He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships (41 page)

You need to stick to the current reality and let the future unravel in its own time. Today, tomorrow, this weekend—let those be your limits. Keep the fantasies to yourself and spare your partner from future shock.

Don’t Put Others Down for Unfaithful or Insensitive Behavior

We all know people who are insensitive, unfaithful, abusive, calculating or opportunistic. Pointing out the frailties of your fellow humans makes you feel better about your own track record,
and
it also gives you a good way to hide it. But when you turn these people into targets, it makes your partners think that you are different and you will always be different.

Maybe your commitmentphobic behavior isn’t as severe as the
behavior of others you’ve seen, but it is damaging. The problem is that when you point a finger at others, it suggests that you have never and could never hurt anyone. And that’s not true. Best to keep these judgments to yourself. If you must comment on others’ behavior, it’s a lot more honest and fair to acknowledge your own transgressions as well.

Don’t Push for Trust

You’re doing everything you can to earn this person’s trust. Why? Is it because you deserve to be trusted, or because you need to alleviate your own anxiety? When people give you their trust, they don’t believe you will ever hurt them. If you’re not so sure this is true, stop pushing so hard.

Don’t Act as If Sex Is Going to Cement the Relationship

Sexual intimacy is serious business. Some actives, often men, press for physical closeness and use it to get a foothold into their partners’ hearts. Others, often women, hold back from having sex, indicating that once they do, the relationship will be written in cement. Whether it’s meant that way or not, it can be deceptive.

People are very vulnerable when a relationship becomes sexually intimate. Overwhelming desire, however it’s expressed, can easily be misinterpreted as a statement of your profound interest in a committed relationship.

Don’t Push for a Commitment of Any Kind from Your Partner

Maybe you will be ready for a commitment down the road. Maybe not. But it’s way too soon right now even to mention the word. Too soon for you and too soon for your partner. There are different kinds of commitment you might be asking for. Perhaps you are asking for exclusivity; perhaps you are asking to move in together; perhaps you are actually suggesting marriage. You may simply be sounding out how this new partner feels. And you may be asking for nothing more than a commitment to start a sexual relationship or take a vacation together.

Be certain that whatever kind of commitment you might want is
appropriate for your particular relationship stage. If you’ve known someone for two days, don’t insist that he/she come with you to Aruba for three weeks, no matter how appealing that might be. If you’ve known someone two weeks, don’t suggest getting an apartment together. Certainly don’t start talking about marriage until a reasonable time has passed.

There’s something else to keep in mind. If you ask for too much too soon, your partner will probably interpret this as a sign of your commitment. This will only encourage someone to get more serious about you.

THE MIDDLE—WHEN YOUR AMBIVALENCE TRANSLATES INTO ACTION

How does someone with active conflicts know that the relationship has entered a different stage? The middle begins when the first sensations of panic set in. In the beginning it was one hundred percent full speed ahead. But now the mood has changed, and you are expected to deliver on your words and promises. Suddenly you’re beginning to have doubts and regrets. If you pushed really hard in the beginning, you may be in a complete panic right now.

Whether you realize it or not, typically you reach this stage because your partner has given you some form of assurance or commitment that you’ve asked for. You’ve won. Your fantasy is becoming a reality. Problem is, you’re not ready. And your ambivalence is demanding action.

What you need to know at this point is that many of the actions you are contemplating will not help you resolve your conflict. Many of the things that are intended to create distance and give you “breathing” room will have the opposite effect. Your sudden change of heart is going to push all of your partner’s most vulnerable buttons. It will make him/her insecure, confused, frightened, clingy, needy, and nuts. In this kind of emotional state your partner is going to want more from you, not less. Your partner will try to narrow the space between you for reassurance. But being supportive of your partner is the last thing you can handle right now.

Don’t use your partner to work out your ambivalence. If you
are feeling overwhelmed by your conflict, it’s your responsibility. We urge you to consider the following suggestions:

Don’t Assume Anything

You’re constructing worst-case scenarios in your mind. “If we spend this Christmas together, we’ll have to spend every Christmas together from now on.” “If we go on one more date, there’s no way out.” “If we sleep together one more time, we’ll have to get married.” Maybe that’s how you expect your partner to interpret your interaction, but the only person who really knows how your partner feels is your partner. You can’t assume anything. Your partner may be taking this one day at a time while you’re jumping ahead and seeing it as a life sentence.

Don’t Break Dates; Don’t Change Plans; Don’t Break Promises

If you make a commitment to do something or be somewhere, honor it. If you can’t keep promises, don’t make the commitment. Recognize that it’s not the date or the plan that you’re afraid of, it’s the expectations surrounding the event. You need to deal with these expectations separately. Unreliable behavior is confusing and crazy-making for your partner. Keep in mind that sudden, erratic behavior can make your partner worry about you. That concern may cause him or her to behave in a way that you interpret as smothering.

Don’t Create Unreasonable Boundaries

If you’re making passionate love every night you’re together, refusing to have dinner with someone’s family doesn’t serve to make it clear what the limitations of your relationship are. These kinds of boundaries are confusing and hurtful. Nonverbal mixed messages are even more confusing than the ones you articulate. Keep in mind that your partner, who is struggling to hear the hopeful message, isn’t sure how to respond to all the differences in your behavior. If you want to back away, do it in a more forthright fashion.

Don’t Ruin Special Occasions

Special events such as parties or theater tickets and special occasions such as holidays and birthdays can fill you with dread. You see them as powerful symbols of commitment. So to compensate, you sabotage the event, thereby keeping these special occasions from feeling so special. But this is painful for your partner. You need to deal with the feelings and fantasies that these occasions stir in you in a more constructive fashion. Your interpretation of these events may be way out of line. Ditto, your behavior.

Don’t Pick Your Partner Apart in Order to Justify Your Need to Find a Way to Exit

At this time terror at the prospect of commitment may make you picky and unreasonable. This is mean, it’s hurtful, and it’s inappropriate. Everyone has flaws, including you. Your partner’s “flaws” didn’t bother you in the beginning. The only reason they bother you now is because you’re frightened. You need to turn inward and face your fear instead of turning outward. Your ambivalence is your issue; it isn’t about the ways your partner deviates from perfection.

Don’t Use the Phone to Maximize Distance

You’re not ready to end it, but you need to minimize contact, so instead of seeing your partner, you use the telephone to keep the connection alive—but at a distance. You have no idea what your phone calls are doing to your partner. Chances are your telephone behavior has your partner strung out on the other end of the line waiting for a clearer signal. These mixed signals can be making your partner feel paralyzed by confusion.

Don’t Use Sex to Regulate Closeness

Are you withholding sex right now? Are you feeling turned off? Distant? Mechanical? It’s easy for your ambivalence to surface in the bedroom. Are you discussing this honestly, or are you allowing your partner to jump to all kinds of conclusions? The thinking is,
if we’re not as intimate sexually, I can get out of this more easily. But this thinking is flawed. Sexual withholding is going to make your partner more insecure. And that may make your partner crave intimacy even more.

Don’t Use Infidelity to Get Distance

Infidelity is the ultimate cop-out and the ultimate hurtful act. You are having a claustrophobic reaction to a relationship and you see an affair as your “open window.” Well, jumping out this window is certainly one way of escaping from a relationship, but it is a cruel way. This behavior is motivated by fear, not desire, but your partner doesn’t know that. All your partner knows is that you are trying to destroy the relationship. Chances are, your partner is assuming too much responsibility and feeling less desirable and somehow to blame. Your partner deserves more than this. And you’re not doing the third member of this triangle any favors either.

Don’t Cry in Your Partner’s Arms

You may well feel torn apart by your ambivalence. One moment you want the relationship, the next moment you want to run away. You’re in terrible pain, and you’re causing your partner terrible pain. It makes you want to cry.

Don’t throw your emotions out there for someone else to sort out. You may need to cry, but you don’t need to cry in your partner’s presence. You think that crying will show how much you care. Perhaps you’re hoping it will buy you some time to get clearer on whether or not you need to leave. Perhaps you’re not even sure why you’re crying. The problem is that the crying is easily misinterpreted to mean “We’ll work it out.” This kind of drama can only draw your partner closer to you, and that’s probably the last thing you want right now. Cry at home.

Don’t Say You Need More Time If You Don’t Know What You Need

If your behavior changes drastically, sooner or later your partner will ask for an explanation. You are completely confused by your feelings. You can’t move forward and you can’t move back. You don’t know what you need, but you imply or actually say that what you need is more time.

Perhaps you make something up to justify what’s going on—you blame work or family or money or moodiness. You may allude to mysterious psychological distress. You say, “It’s not you; it’s me.” When you say this, you look soulful and worried. It makes your partner feel sympathetic and concerned. The bottom line is you’re not being honest.

Your partner is prepared to believe any plausible explanation you offer. So, if you talk about time, your partner takes you literally. In fact your partner will probably accept whatever you say. Don’t say, “It’s nothing,” if it’s something. Don’t say, “It’s not you,” if you think it is. Don’t say, “I’m just not ready,” if you think you never will be. Your partner can’t be self-protective right now, unless you tell the truth.

Don’t Make Promises You Can’t Keep

Often at this point the passive partner threatens to end the relationship. But even though you are ambivalent, you don’t want to end the relationship. You still have too many feelings, and you’re not prepared to let go. So you promise you’ll change. You promise you’ll stop being so hurtful … you promise you’ll make a commitment … you promise whatever it takes to get your partner back. Your partner will probably accept what you say. But that’s not fair. You may want to change, but you have no idea whether or not you can.

If you want to make a promise, promise yourself you’ll get more insight into your behavior.

Don’t Act Out Your Ambivalence by Moving Back and Forth As Your Emotional State Dictates

You’re like a rubber band, and it’s making your partner crazy. It also makes your partner frightened and wanting to move closer. You need to start managing your commitmentphobia reflex. Stop acting on impulse and start talking yourself through these moments of discomfort.

Don’t Praise Those Things About Your Partner That Make You Feel More Trapped

When she cooks dinner for you, it makes you feel trapped. When he sends flowers, it makes you feel smothered. When your partner reflects solid values such as fidelity, home, and family, it makes you feel tied down. Yet you praise these things. And that only encourages your partner to do more of the same.

You know you should appreciate these things, and you do. Obviously this is a good person who cares for you a great deal, and you are trying to acknowledge that. But at the same time it’s causing a form of claustrophobic anxiety, and that may well make you angry. If there are two voices in your head, it isn’t fair to present only one and then blame your partner for acting on it.

Don’t Take Away Everything You Gave at the Beginning

In the beginning you made the relationship seem so special. But now you’re not so sure. You’re feeling trapped by that specialness. So you start taking things away. You give less time, less emotion, less sex, less everything. You’re trying to make the relationship seem less important through subtraction. There’s one problem: The less you give, the more your partner wants. Your attempts to pull away only draw him or her closer to you. Once again, your attempts to get distance are backfiring. And it’s hurting your partner in the process.

Don’t Turn Your Partner into Your Therapist

The more you feel torn apart by your conflict, the more you feel as though your partner is the only person you can talk to about it. But this kind of conversation is incredibly intimate. You may be trying to express your conflict, but all your partner hears is the intimacy. And that makes the relationship feel closer, not more distant. It gets your partner more involved in your life, not less. Your partner is not supposed to take care of you. Don’t encourage it.