Heroine: California Dreamin' (39 page)

“I still have one last question. How will you handle your dream when you’re going home again and then you’ll be all alone? Aren’t you afraid getting depressed when all of that passes by your inner eye all day long?”

“Eva, I’m absolutely sure that I will never retreat into that helplessness again. As bad as it was what I’ve gone through it was also my search for appreciation, love and whatever else. That search finally brought my life in danger. But look at the bright side of it. I survived in one piece if you kinda disregard my dependency. I’ve become stronger and more realistic. I have learned how to fight and know now what I’m capable of. It was tough but in the end it all helped me.”

Eva got up in thoughts to take a shower. I sat there on the bed with knees tugged up to my chin and a seducing smile on my face. A warm feeling flooded my loins.

“Are you coming into the shower”, she asked quietly.

“Oh, I’ve given the wrong signal again”, I replied and turned my head slightly to the side. As my therapist had taught me I changed my body language so I wouldn’t send out erotic signals any longer. I had manipulated Eva long enough. She looked confused.

“Eva, let’s finish that now”, I told her. It was beautiful and I needed that so I could open up to you. Without physical contact I wouldn’t have been able to look back on all of that. But you know as well as I do that this is in the end not what we both really want.”

Around lunchtime we said good bye to one another. Eva stayed for a few more days participating in some debriefing sessions with the professor. The other participants left. Those men and women rolled their suitcases to expecting cabs or they were picked up by acquaintances, friends or alike. Before the iron gate I took Juliane into my arms and we held one another for many minutes.

“I have to go now.”

“Do we see one another again?”

“I insist on it.” I turned around and walked through the high gate. Outside stood a blond tall man with broad shoulders and a handsome open face. I flung myself into his arms. Jan had come to pick me up. He picked up my suitcases with playful ease and stuffed them into his black Volkswagen Golf. Eva waved at me until I was gone.

Back in Cologne I nestled in Jan’s apartment. Only preliminary because he eventually wanted to move with his girlfriend to Holland. During the week Jan had been living in Hamburg and thus I had the small student dig all to myself.

One day my mobile phone rang. I was not only surprised but absolutely happy that it was Eva who called. She asked if she could visit me. Of course I agreed and after she hung up I danced my dance of joy.

Already the next day when I picked her up from the train station we hugged and kissed one another. We took the subway to pass the city some distance underground and then, after a short walk, we arrived at the old house in the suburbs.

“We need to go up to the fourth floor. You can do that, can’t you?” I smirked. After Eva had made herself comfortable I made some Dutch tea that was so strong that you could wake up the dead with it. After some small talk Eva finally addressed me directly.

“Bëat told me that you haven’t been living together with your Dutch boyfriend. But now you are living in his apartment and we drink his tea. Was Bëat wrong or did you guys find together rather slowly?”

“Neither nor. I do not live with Jan together even if it looks like it. The tea recipe is from him. That is correct. He’s living in Hamburg now and makes his apartment available for me during the week. He only comes back for the weekends. Then we share the rooms.”

“That is strange. I thought after our talks he’d be the perfect man for you. And you look like the perfect woman. Together you should have the perfect children, or am I missing something?”

“The desire for perfect children is probably your own dream, isn’t it?” I asked back.

“And if so?” she replied boldly. “Bëat had also asked me that question when he proposed. If I wouldn’t love him that much I would have loved smacking him right across the face. Sometimes this dude is totally not romantic. But he is a good guy.” She looked at the floor with dreamy eyes.

“That is great news! I didn’t know that you guys are together. Congratulations! When is the ‘big day’?” On the inside I sank to my knees and thanked my inspiration that I hadn’t told Eva that I had been to bed with her future husband.

“In three months. We’ll get married in Zurich. It will be fantastic.”

I felt some jealousy bubbling up but also some sadness, as I concluded. My wedding with Daniel wasn’t that long ago that I already had forgotten about it. As if a woman could forget about that day at all. And now Daniel and I have already been divorced. Before sadness could overwhelm me I redirected our conversation to Jan.

“Talking about Jan. You are right. Jan is the perfect man. In bed he is pure bliss, he’s handsome, intelligent and successful. He’ll get a professorship at the University of Rotterdam right after his doctorate, just imagine that. But exactly that is the problem. He’s too perfect for me.” Eva looked as if she didn’t understand a word. To no surprise.

“But Jan is the dream of any mother in law. Oh my Lord, you’ll really let him go despite all of that?” She was shocked.

“Just think about it. The guy is physically and emotionally top. He always knows what he wants; he thinks logically, can cope with emotions and has charisma. That is a power tripper but in a positive sense. And then I come along. Emotionally I am a wreck. Today so, tomorrow this way. I’m constantly stuck in some fantasy worlds. And what is when my body is not perfect any longer? When the boobs and my behind sag and the face shows wrinkles? Jan will still be the same old Jan and the he’s got to take care of somebody who’s headed south and emotionally will be overgrown grassland at best.”

“What a great sentence”, she interrupted. “I must memorize it.”

“Jan really knows about people. So he knew that before I could even think about it. I only started to understand it last year. He loves me, I know that. And I love him. But it is clear to him as well as to me that we can’t have a long-lasting relationship. The day to day life would tear us apart. And by the way he has already found a girlfriend in Hamburg. She also wants kids like he does and very different from me.”

“But what are you doing on the weekends? Are you going perhaps to Erich?” I first became sad but then burst out laughing hysterically.

“No, not at all. Erich’s house is taboo for me. Only my things are left there. When I move away I’ll pick them up together with Jan. I can’t pass by that house without constantly be reminded of the kidnapping. Then I start to shake and break out in sweat. But in regard to the weekends I am happy. I just stay here and wait for the perfect man. I might just enjoy him for another few weeks.” I winked at her. And again she was stupefied.

“You are sleeping here together? Even in the same bed?”

“Yes, we’ll allow us that fun. As long as we stay at this level and as long there are no serious intentions behind it, it is a great game, not much more.”

“But does his girlfriend know about it? She can hardly permit that.”

“Of course she knows nothing about that”, I responded in all seriousness.

“And there is another point. Jan is so convinced of himself and potent that he can give both of us, his girlfriend and me, more than we need or desire. What will be happening when I develop the said wrinkles or he goes on a business trip or … or … As his wife I would always be panicking and be afraid to losing him. That is too complicated for me.” Slowly she seemed to understand. But obviously that subject was somewhat spooky to her and she tried to change it.

“Your ex-husband, this Daniel. Have you established contact with him again?”

“Yes”, I said sadly. “We call one another once in a while. Jan straightened him out after my ‘liberation’ and when Daniel heard what had happened to me he was truly shocked. In the end he started believing me again”

“Does he want to come back to you? Wouldn’t that be great? I already see him kneeling before you with a bouquet of red roses begging for your forgiveness.”

“Eva, I must disappoint you. Daniel is as romantic as your Bëat. This won’t be happening. We are and we remain separated. There is still something that attracts me to him. If he’s asking me I would return to him immediately. But he wouldn’t give up his relationship to his female boss. His job is too important to him.”

“This guy just doesn’t seem to get enough.” She was enraged.

“Exactly. He always wanted to make a career and he’s on the way of doing so. From what I hear he’s already supposed to take over management for a company’s subsidiary. Then he has to move again. Eva, I would only travel around as an attachment to a manager. He would possibly have the idea to use me for his career interests again and I had enough of that. Besides that the movie with the boys from USA is still circulating, the one his female boss has found. Do you want to see it?” I opened my laptop. First Eva appeared to be shocked but then she grew curious.

“I will view that movie purely from a professional point of view. Perhaps as a psychologist I can find some clues in it.” The latter obviously happened because she got all excited. I liked it.

“Oh my goodness, what studs they are. Except for this Hippo. And how you went with it. I don’t know you that way.” She looked nervously at me and I felt that she wanted to sleep with me. For a moment I was uncertain but then I decided against it. I needed to learn how to draw a line.

“So you are not going back to Daniel. I guess you’re finishing your university studies?” she tried to calm the situation.

“Exactly. I’ll be getting my graduation papers in two months and then I only have to find somebody where I can do my internship in order to become a therapist. It won’t work in Germany, however. I’ve got one year with probation in the court hearing because of my shooting Achim. They couldn’t do less said the prosecutor because it wasn’t self-defense any longer at the time of the crime. He could have also represented me in court as my lawyer. They were apparently really happy that I had given them a reason to lock up Igor. But know I have a criminal record.” We then sat together until night and talked about this and that. At some point Eva wanted to go to bed.

“Come with me, I’ll show you where you can sleep tonight.” I led her by the hand up a spiral staircase. When she stood in a mirrored pitched attic room she became restless again.

“Here you may get some rest. I put some fresh sheets on.”

“Together with you?” she asked. I shook my head.

“Jan leaves his spirit here when he goes to Hamburg. There is no room for a third person.” She understood. She grinned at me impishly and I winked at her.

“I’ll be sleeping on the couch downstairs.” The next morning she came down the stairs poorly rested but satisfied and she winked at me again.

“Jan’s spirit is really quite something”, she whispered and gave me a hug. Now I was the one who was confused. At breakfast together we laughed and joked around like two teenagers. Then the cab arrived that was taking her to the train station. At the front door we gave one another a long hug.

“Where will you be going once you finished your education? Perhaps you could come to us to Switzerland? The professor thinks the world of you.” Eva looked at me gingerly. I shook my head.

“No, thank you. I have other plans. As you know I still hang on to the papers I had found in Robert’s cabinet. Therefore I will try to trace back the personal fates that are behind them. And beside that I must still pay back my debts. So I will go to Los Angeles. Bruce will pick me up from the airport.” I didn’t tell her that I also wanted to find out about Kate’s fate. I never had told Eva that story.

Then she drove off and I waved at her. I would write to her and tell her about my adventures. That she had actually conquered some of Kate’s space in my heart, I only felt now. But before I didn’t know what actually had happened with Kate I would not allow Eva to completely replace her. For a while I had tried to learn something about Kate’s whereabouts via the telephone but neither the police in California nor Meggie who I had contacted again knew anything about her. As soon as I had put everything in order around here I would be sitting in a plane. There was nothing here that was worth holding me back. 

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The next book will be different. It  won’t be Julie anymore telling her story, but an independent observer. We’ll follow  Julie into new adventures; many of the relationships and open questions will be understood from a different perspective.

Julie had overlooked something when she finally  received the files her foe had hidden. Returning from Germany to California, she learns that some people want to retaliate  against her. Also, the Department of Justice is still investigating some unresolved issues.

In addition, who will take care  of her now when she returns to the USA? Will she finally meet the man who loves her unconditionally? You must read on to find out what happens to this beautiful femme fatale.

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Elia Mirca