Here at Last (41 page)

“I don’t want to leave you,” I whispered. I felt like crying but couldn’t, and he wrapped both arms around me.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he said, kissing my forehead.

“But what if I have to?” I asked.

“Then, we’ll find a way to make it work,” he said sounding both tired and resolute.

Chapter
3
7

The next several days of work were depressing. Some people had decided to use up their vacation
time
or sick days and didn't even come back after clearing out their desks. I stayed through to the bitter end. Although Hastings had agreed to close down our office as part of its negotiations, I still felt some sense of responsibility to the company that had employed me for most of my career.

Hastings’ human resources personnel
worked
diligently to
try to
help identify jobs
with other companies
for
all of us being laid off; however, t
here was no way that they could accommodate everyone's needs.
Few people were hiring.
I asked about opportunities with ECM, but there was nothing available.

Meanwhile, I updated my resume and sent it to Jack. On Thursday evening, I received an e-mail from him stating that they had negotiated terms with their client and that they wanted to hire me.
The pay would be slightly
more
than I was making at Hastings, and they would cover the cost of my move back to New Jersey
, an offer that was nearly unheard of at the time
.
I would begin working on August
8
t
h
, which was only
two
week
s
away.

With a mix of great reluctance and relief, I accepted the job and notified
Neelie
and Rhonda that I would be moving back home.
They were ecstatic. However, t
his
would
give
me very little time with Nicholas
, who
had
just
finished teaching
his
summer school courses and had a few weeks off. Hannah was
out of town with Lydia’s family for a few days. Then, Lydia planned to drop Hannah off at a residential
music camp
with her own kids.
I wouldn't even get a chance to
say goodbye
to her
before I left
.

When I called Nicholas to tell him that I’d accepted the job, he tried to be supportive and encouraging. Although I could hear resignation in his voice, he never indicated that he thought I
’d
made the wrong decision. Instead, he told me that he was proud of me because, while everyone else was getting laid off, I had a great new job
in a place that I loved
.

We spent
much of
our last week together
taking walks around town and along Lake
Michigan
and
at Nicholas’s townhouse
.
I wanted to be anywhere but home given that
the movers had come to pack my things
,
and their presence was too much of a reminder that I would soon be leaving
both
Chicago
and Nicholas
behind.

Rather than having my car moved, I decided to make the drive from Chicago to Morristown. It would only take about 12 hours and would give me
some time
to process everything that was going on. When I told Nicholas that I had decided to drive, he said that he wanted to come with me
. We could drive to New Jersey
and
spend
several
days with me
before
fly
ing
back home
. Since Hannah was away,
the timing was good,
and
it
would give us some additional time together.
H
e
also told me
that he hoped
that
he would
finally
be able to meet my family and friends.





My last evening
in Chicago
was spent at Nicholas's
place
.
We were both in the mood to escape and
had watched old movies all day, cuddling on the
sofa
and holding hands.
He insisted on making dinner for me, including my favorite peanut butter brownies, which
we w
ould take on the road the following day.

Since we
were going to New Jersey
together, I kept telling myself that we didn't have to say goodbye yet. Still, knowing that it was my last night in his townhouse
– at least as a resident of Chicago – cast a pall over our dinner, and I
wasn’t very hungry
.

I glanced up
to see
Nicholas looking at me as he moved a forkful of yellow corn to his mouth. Somehow, it made him laugh, and all of the corn fell off of his fork and onto his plate, the table, and the floor.
We
both
laughed,
then,
and it lighten
ed
our moods
. I reached down to pick a few kernels u
p off the floor
while
he
gathered the ones off the table and put them in the compost bin.
We washed our hands at the s
ink
.

“Come on
,
"
he said
sounding a little more cheerful
.

I followed him down the hallway to
his
bedroom where we had first made love. As we walked past his bathroom, I glanced up at the mirror and remembered the
following
morning
when
I
’d
been filled with remorse and regret.
Of course, that reminded me
of the day before New Year's when
I had called
Nicholas
to apologize and ask if we could try again.

Ever since that time, he had never disappointed me. He
ha
d
always been strong for me
–
even
in the midst of my grief over JT and
that night when he had
cried
after making love because he’d been terrified that he might lose me. His ability to be that open
and
vulnerable gave me strength and faith in our relationship
and in him
.

W
hen he led me to his bed once again, I was overcome with a
fleeting but
powerful
sense
of
calm
. I had an abiding faith that this man would do everything that he could to ensure that we would have time together and that he would love me more deeply and fiercely than anyone ever had or could.

We stood facing one another as the late evening sun
cast
its final rays over the city. “I don't want to leave,” I told him.

He reached up
and
touch
ed
my face. "I believe in us, Sophia,” he said lovingly.
“Everything's going to
be alright
."

"I don't want to leave you behind. I can't stand the thought of being so far away from you.
And h
ow’s Hannah going to deal with this?"

He shook his head. "Hannah's resilient. She'll be okay. I'll tell her that this is part of our new life now.”

"I'll try to fly back
a
couple
of
times
each
month," I told him.

“We’ll come to see you, too.
We can stay longer during school vacations and summertime, but you'll be working.
"

“Maybe Hannah can go to music camp in New York next year," I
joked half-heartedly
.

Nicholas took me in his arms and held me for a few minutes. "This is all going to work out. You'll see."

I nodded, and he kissed me
gently
.
Both of us
were
sad
dened
by
my upcoming move
but
found solace in one another.
Very tenderly, he reached down and pulled my shirt off ove
r my head. He led me to the bed
where I lay down
and took off the rest of my clothes. Then, he
un
dressed and lay down beside me, pulling the sheet up over both of us. It was warm o
utside, and anything else would ha
ve been too
much
.

Nicholas slid his arm under my neck as we faced each other and kissed. He reached down and fingered me until I was wet enough
for him to enter.
I
rolled onto my back, and he pushed into me. Holding himself up on both arms, he began to rock into me gently.
I
felt
his perspiration against my
body on this warm summer night
and
w
hispered,
"
I love you
."
We
looked into
one another’s
eyes the entire time
and
were connected in every way
.
I
knew
everything that he was feeling
–
an overwhelming sense of
love
, sadness,
concern
, and
tenderness
.

As I bega
n to reach up toward him, Nicholas lowered his head and
kissed me
,
and
I could feel his tears fall onto my cheeks. I wrapped my arms around him and held him as he continued to
slowly
push
into me.

“
It's okay," I whispered.

He didn't say anything.

"Nicholas," I said. "Look at me."

He
lifted his head
, and his eyes were wet. He stopped moving.

“I may be
going
back to New Jersey for now, but I'm not leaving you.”

"I know." He shook his head.
“
I'm sorry. I just can't do this tonight."

"It's all right. It doesn't matter if we make love or not.
I just really want to be together
tonight
.
"

He nodded. After a few minutes, though, he was experiencing
acute
pain
and was in a modified fetal position.

“Let me help you," I said.

He shook his head.
“No. I’ll be okay.”

I looked into his eyes. I already
felt responsible for causing his
emotional pain
and hated to see him with physical pain
.
I moved
down his body and
drew
him into
my mouth
until h
e reached for me and pulled me on top of him. Laying low over him, I moved quickly
and watched as his eyes rolled back and his breathing quickened. His hands slid around my bottom, bringing me closer to him on each thrust. My heart raced, and he finally opened his eyes to look at me. Sliding his hand up my back, he rolled us over
quickly so that he was on top. He was stronger than I was and could maintain his speed and position better
, and I never minded being under
him.

He thrust into me deeply. I had already b
een aroused before
so this second round had me on the edge.
With his final thrusts, I contracted tightly around him, and he cried out. I came right after he did, and he collapsed in an exhausted heap be
side
me and wrapped his arms around me. "Thank you," he said
, kissing me on the face and
falling asleep
a few minutes later
.

I lay in bed for a while
remembering
all of the times that we had made love
and how it had been
–
tentative, passionate, fearful, strong, and, tonight, sad.
When we’d been in
St. Barts
,
Nicholas
had
been happy and unencumbered by the weight of the world.
He ha
d done
everything that
he could to make
our relationship
work.
Now, I felt terrible for having brought
more
stress into his life and would do whatever I could to see him happy again.