Her Mother's Daughter (19 page)

“Of course. I make it from time to time, but I couldn't for months after she died.”

Tansy folded her arms on the table, laid down her head, and began to weep. Bay stayed quiet; Tansy didn't cry often and Bay knew she needed to.

“I miss her. It's hard to be here.”

“But we're here. You have us.”

Tansy lifted her head. “And what use am I to you? I only cause heartache for this family.”

Bay shook her head. “That's not true. Everything wasn't your fault.”

“Yes it was. It was all my fault.”

“You were a kid, Tansy.”

“Bay, do you know how hard this is?”

“I can't imagine.”

“I'm afraid of what I might say.”

Bay felt a knot in her stomach. “You wouldn't.”

“No. But I'm…”

“You're what?”

Tansy wiped her eyes. “Nothing. I'm sad.”

“Is it better to be with us and be sad than to
not
be with us and be sad?”

“Yes. I'm sorry. I had a lousy sleep.”

Bay got up and put her mug in the sink. Then she walked back to where her sister sat and cradled Tansy's head against her chest. Tansy's arms went around Bay's waist. “As long as we stick together, it'll be all right. As long as we remember who we're doing this for, it'll be okay.”

Tansy nodded.

“I'll see you tonight. Try and get Ashley to eat something.”

“I will.”

Bay left the house and walked to the post office, but her heart was back in that kitchen with her sister. For the first time in a long time, she saw Tansy as someone who wasn't as strong as she let on. What if it did become too hard for her to be here? What would they do then?

All these questions crowded into her mind and she panicked a little. Her first thought was to call Gertie, but she remembered that Gertie was excited about her mystery date, and she didn't want to ruin that. Then she thought of Dermot.

She took the cellphone out of her purse and called Anne, the woman who subbed for her when she was off sick. Anne lived a block away from the post office, which came in mighty handy.

“Anne? It's me. I'm running a little late. Would you mind holding the fort until I get there? Maybe an hour at most…Thanks, you're a doll. See you.”

She wondered if she'd catch Dermot at home. It was still early. She called his number but there was no answer, so she hurried back up the street and jumped in her car. She didn't bother telling Tansy but drove straight to the garage and parked next to Dermot's red truck at the side of the building. She got out of the car and walked through the open garage doors. Dermot had his back to her, writing on a clipboard.

“Dermot?”

He spun around. “Bay? What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

“Well, yes and no. Can I talk to you for a moment?”

He put down the clipboard. “Sure. Come in my…on second thought, let's go in here.” He pointed to the chairs by the cash register in the other room.

“Thanks.” She went ahead of him and sat down. He sat beside her and waited.

“I'm not sure why I'm here,” she confessed. “I got a little panicky and needed to talk to someone.”

“Sure.”

“I'm worried about Tansy.”

“Oh?”

“I'm afraid it's very hard for her to be here without Mom. It might be so hard that she'll leave and I'm not sure I'll be able to cope if that happens.”

“She said she was leaving?”

“No. But she was crying this morning and she hardly ever cries.”

Dermot glanced away.

“I'm not feeling strong at the moment and it hit me that if Tansy leaves I may fall apart. And that scares me to death.”

He looked at her. “You won't fall apart, Bay, because you're a mother and Ashley needs you. If you feel this way, you should go to the doctor and let him help you with this anxiety. Believe me, I know how it feels.”

“Yes, I'd forgotten that. Did you have to go on pills when Jane… left?”

“As a matter of fact, I did. No one knows that, but they saved my life.”

She gave a big sigh. “I'd better go to the doctor. This past year I've been lost in a fog. I'm only realizing now that I need help to find my way out.”

He smiled at her. “You're a strong woman, Bay. You'll be able to overcome this. I know you will.”

She reached for his hand. “Thank you. I wasn't sure where to turn.”

“You can always talk to me.”

“I know that.”

They looked at each other.

“I've missed you these past few days. Are you still mad at me? I'm sorry I've been childish.”

“I'm not mad at you, Bay. I've done a lot of thinking, and you're right. We shouldn't rush anything. If it's meant to be, it'll happen.”

“Okay. But am I allowed a kiss?”

He leaned over and kissed her. It was nice. They both got up and Bay reached for him again. “One more, please.” She kissed him harder but he pulled away first. “Sorry, company's here.”

His assistant mechanic Jason was arriving for work.

“I'd better go.”

“Okay.”

“Would you like to come to dinner tonight?”

Dermot hesitated. “Sorry, I've got plans. A friend from out of town is coming over. I haven't seen him in a while.”

“Oh, sure. Another time, then.”

“Yeah.”

Bay waved and said hi to Jason as she walked back to the car. She got in and started it up. Then it was back to the post office, where she parked her vehicle at the back of the building and went in the side door. Flo was talking to Anne out front, and when Bay heard Tansy's name, she stood still.

“I'm going to murder that Tansy Gillis, I swear to God.”

“What did she do now?” Anne asked.

“She was only sittin' in Dermot's truck last night, so she was, necking up a storm with him for everyone to see. Has she no shame? And there's dear little Bay, runnin' around oblivious to all of it. I tried to warn her, but I guess blood's thicker than water, because she can't see her sister for what she is. A no-good tramp.”

Bay went ice cold. She couldn't move. The longer she stood there the colder she got. Then she was aware of her heart pounding. She was sure Anne and Flo would hear it. It took all her willpower to move to the side door and slip out, closing it gently behind her. She got back in her car and fought the urge to vomit.

And then she started the engine.

When Ashley came downstairs that morning, Tansy was sitting on the swing by the vegetable garden. She wanted to run outside and fling herself into her aunt's arms. The only reason she didn't was that she knew she had to tell her mother first. And she was going to do it today, when her mother came home for supper.

She and Matt had talked about it endlessly, both on the computer and face to face. They decided they'd tell their mothers at exactly the same moment, so one couldn't get on the phone with the other and spill the beans.

Ashley poured herself a bowl of corn flakes and filled it with milk. She had to drink lots of milk, she told herself. There were so many rules now. She wouldn't be able to have a cooler or a beer at a party, she wouldn't be able to have the odd cigarette or toke of someone's joint. She'd have to eat vegetables, and she hated vegetables. What if she got stretch marks? What would Matt think of that?

And what about sex? Was she allowed to have it? She couldn't bear to think about not being with him for nine months. It was all too difficult. She took the bowl and poured it into Merlin's dish. Let him have soggy corn flakes for breakfast.

As she went out the door and down the steps, Merlin ran to greet her. She stopped to give his big old head a kiss. “Morning, Merly.” He licked her hands.

Tansy called to her. “Hi, honey, did you sleep okay?”

Ashley walked over to her aunt and sat beside her. They pushed the swing with their feet.

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Are you feeling better?”

“Not really.”

“That's too bad. Maybe your blood work will tell us something.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“What are your plans for today?”

Ashley looked at her fingernails and pushed the cuticles back. “Nothing.”

“You and Maribeth aren't doing anything?”

“Maribeth has a job. She's working at the mall.”

“Did you put an application in any of the stores there?”

“No. I should have.”

Tansy didn't say anything, and because she didn't, Ashley began to talk. “It's like I couldn't get my act together this year. I was late for everything. I didn't try out for basketball. I was supposed to join the drama club but I never did. I didn't send out any applications for September either. What's the point? I don't want to go to university here.”

“What would you like to do?”

Ashley kept her head down and stared at her hands. “Maybe take a cosmetology course in North Sydney. It's less than a year and at least you can get a job.”

“That sounds fun.”

“Yeah,” she said quietly. “It does.”

“Talk to your mother about it. If she knows you're interested, she'll help you.”

Ashley nodded but didn't say anything.

“I always wanted to do something like that,” Tansy confessed. “At one point I thought I'd like to be a hairdresser, but Mom and Dad didn't think that was good enough.”

“What did they want you to do?”

“Become a brain surgeon.”

Ashley looked up quickly and Tansy laughed at her expression. “I'm kidding. They wanted me to be something boring like a teacher or a nurse. I'd rather be boiled alive.”

“So what did you do?”

Tansy looked out at the water. “That was around the time Dad and Bobby died, and none of us could do anything then. It was like a bad dream. We went and stayed with Mom's cousin in Fredericton for a while, to get away from the heartache. You were born there. And then it was time to go home, but I couldn't face it. I knew my heart would break if I had to stare out at this water day after day. I don't know how your mother did it.”

“She was busy with me.”

Tansy smiled at her. “You're right.”

“She was lucky I came along, wasn't she?”

Tansy put her arms around her niece and kissed the top of her head. “She was the luckiest woman in the world. Still is.”

“I'm glad you're here.”

“Me too.”

They continued to rock the swing back and forth, content in each other's company. They listened to the crows cawing to each other from atop the fir trees on the other side of the field. Tansy looked at them. “Is it my imagination or do they sound like Flo?”

“Well, she is an old buzzard,” Ashley said.

They laughed together.