Her Ideal Man (16 page)

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Authors: Ruth Wind

BOOK: Her Ideal Man
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She swallowed, struggling to keep her voice even. “I already told you, I understand.” She pulled against him, but he held her firm, his arms around her, his chest against her back.
“Anna,” he said quietly, and kissed her shoulder. “Let's take it easy on each other for a while. Let's just find out where we are, before we try to patch the gaps with sex.”
She turned to look at him. Gently, he touched her face. ‘The only struggles we're having are about sex. It seems o me that maybe we're just not ready for that.”
Anna realized it was true. The only awkwardness that existed between them came about because of sex—whether to indulge or not, when and how, and who was ready and who was not. She nodded.
His hand rested easily against her face, and now he ouched her cheekbone with his thumb, smiling gently. “I think you know it has nothing to do with how much I want you.” He cast a regretful glance downward, over her body. ‘Because God knows, I do. But we're going to hurt each if we keep this up.”
She lifted a hand and brushed his hair back from his orehead. “You're right. We'll just take it one day at a ime.” She smiled. “And aren't you glad yesterday is ver?”
He grinned. “Yeah. What do you say we get dressed and go have a ridiculously expensive brunch on my brother, then get Curtis and go home.”
A weight dropped from her. “Great idea.”
Chapter 15
W
inter waned in the valley over the next few weeks, an Anna didn't know if it was the promise of spring in the air, or the simple agreement she'd made with Tyler tha Sunday morning at the hotel, but things were surprisingl smooth and peaceful. Anna settled in with no fuss at th cabin, and a routine quickly developed between her an Tyler and Curtis. She learned to cook on the potbellied stove after a few disasters that benefited only the dog Charley. She got used to the drive up and down the moun tain very quickly, too, and learned to make lists so tha she wouldn't forget anything important on a trip to town
Tyler had a major renovation job to do, for an old hous purchased by a wealthy Denverite, and Anna gladly con densed her workweek to spend more time with Curti while Tyler worked.
Nights were the most difficult. Tyler worked on finish ing the loft so that they could move the bed upstairs, bu until it was done, there was nowhere for them to slee except together in the same bed. Tyler never made a mov oward her, and never seemed to have the trouble Anna lid falling asleep. She coped.
In general, it was like living with a good friend, or a brother. Their relationship was utterly chaste, without a tingle external hint of the things boiling beneath the sur ace, but Anna found she enjoyed being with him tremen lously. He had a quick, bawdy sense of humor, and a frank way of speaking that she found refreshing. In the evenings, hey played games with Curtis, or read, or talked. They lidn't play cards.
Meanwhile, the baby within Anna grew astonishingly asL It amazed her how well she felt as the baby grew. Her initial exam had indicated nothing at all awry, as she'd tnown it would. As she passed from the first trimester to he second, she stopped needing so much sleep, as well, although her appetite slowed down not at all.
And the phenomenon she'd observed in her sisters was rue for Anna, as well. She had never in her life been the ort of woman to cause a stir when she went out, but now en stopped in the streets to look after her. She got honked at by boys way too young for her. Clerks and baggers at he grocery store flirted outrageously.
Anna was fairly sure she could get used to it.
One Sunday afternoon, as Anna cooked a big pot of her trandmother's spaghetti for supper, she felt the baby kick. was a tiny, fluttering sensation, but she cried out in sur rise. Tyler dropped the wood he was whittling and rushed ver. “What is it?” he demanded.
Anna smiled and reached for his hand. “I felt the aby,” she said, awed, and put his palm over the place. “There!“
He pressed his hand close, looking first at her tummy, hen at Anna. “I felt it.”
And for the first time since the wedding, they fell adrift the magic of their own special world, a world no one but the two of them could enter. Anna saw a silvery shine light his pale eyes, a glow of wonder and true joy, and swell of painful love swept through her.
Curtis ran into the room. “What? My brother?”
Anna laughed. “It might be a sister, you know.”
“I wanna feel, too.”
“Sure you do.” She reached for the little hand. “Yo have to be very still, and wait for a minute.”
“I don't feel nothin'.”
Beside her, Tyler chuckled. “Hang on, kiddo. Just wait.”
Suddenly, Anna felt the flutter come again, and Curtis' mouth dropped open. “There's really a baby in there!” He put both hands on her tummy, his eyes wide as saucers “I feel him!”
Anna laughed, and next to her, Tyler laughed softly, too one hand falling on her shoulder in silent adult commu nication. “Can you tell if it's a brother or sister yet?”
Seriously, Curtis frowned. “Nope.” He backed off an wiped his hands on his legs. “Doesn't that hurt?”
“No, not even a little bit.”
“Okay.”
“Go wash up, kiddo,” Tyler said, his hand still on he shoulder. “We're going to eat.”
As he bustled off, Anna put her hand on her belly agairl still charmed by the wonder. Very softly, Tyler pressed kiss to her temple and let her go. “I'll set the table.”
. Anna hurriedly bent her head to hide the swell of tea the tender gesture gave her, and only nodded.
 
“I'm ready, Daddy!” Curtis called.
Tyler put aside the stair spoke he was carving. “Com ing!”
Since Anna had come, she had largely taken over th duty of putting Curtis to bed, a job Tyler hadn't minde relinquishing. But he was always there to tuck his son in too, and it had become a treasured time for all of them
Anna had instituted prayers, which she heard very sol emnly, kneeling at his bedside while Tyler checked the tove. Then Anna and Tyler each gave Curtis a hug and tiss, and he loved to say, “Night, Mommy. Night, Daddy.”
It had been difficult at first, but Tyler had found it im possible to resist the unrivaled pleasure Curtis took in hav ng a mother to call his own. Tyler knew Kara's place in er son's life would become clear to the boy as he grew, and for now, having a flesh-and-blood woman to love ade him deeply happy.
Anna shot him a warning glance when he entered the zy, yellow-lit room and, alert, Tyler settled beside Curtis n the bed. “Ready for a kiss, champ?”
Kneeling beside the bed, Anna smoothed the hair from Curtis's face, and Tyler realized he was weeping silently. “Hey, come here.” He gathered his son, smelling of baby tion, into his lap. “What's wrong?”
Curtis lifted his head. “How does the baby get out, Daddy? Cody tol' me hith kitties came out his cat's bottom and there was lots of blood.”
Tyler glanced at Anna and raised his eyebrows.
She sat next to them on the bed and put her hand on urtis's back. “Well, it isn't exactly easy,” she said, mak ng it sound like something simple. “But it isn't as bad as sounds.” She bit her lip, and with a glance at Tyler gave im the ball.
Tyler had always been as open with his son as he was le, but this was a little different. “There's a special slide side a woman, and the baby comes out between her egs.”
“Oh.” He sounded much relieved. “Will it hurt?”
“A little. But then it's over, and you get a baby, so it's worth it.”
Curtis said nothing for a long time, and Tyler waited, ensing this wasn't quite finished. The boy folded and unfolded his fingers, seemingly absorbed in the fit. Finall he said, in a very quiet voice, “Can't you send the bab back?”
“I thought you were happy.”
“My first mommy died when I was borned.” He burs into tears. “I don't want my new mommy to die, too.”
The knife sliced straight through Tyler's gut, and fo one moment, he couldn't breathe. Anna touched his wris but he couldn't look at her, overwhelmed as he was with a strange sense of dread and grief that took him totally b surprise.
“Curtis,” Manna said softly, “come here, honey, and l me hold you. I want to tell you about something.”
He went willingly, and Tyler stood up and turned away trying to regain his breath so that Curtis would not be eve more frightened.
“What?” Curtis said. “Are you going to die, too?”
“No,” she said clearly, firmly. “You know how man babies my mommy has?”
“Three?”
She chuckled. “Eight. So she had plenty of babies an she's still alive. Sometimes, a woman is sick, and her bo doesn't feel good when she has a baby inside of it. You mommy was sick, but she wanted you so much that she had to have you.”
Tyler struggled to listen calmly, to find some rock the spinning world to cling to, but his vision blurred, sen ing the stars in the black sky into long slashes of white.
“Is she sad now?” Curtis asked.
Tyler braced an elbow against the windowsill, and be his head into his hand.
Anna's voice, too, sounded a little unsteady, but sh said, “No. I'm sure that she is with you every minute every day, making sure you're safe, and that you ha people who will take care of you.”
“She's an angel.”
“Right.”
“Can she see me right now?”
“Yes.” The word was a whisper.
Tyler wiped his face on his sleeve. Emotions clogged his throat, but he urgently felt the need to turn. Anna sat on the bed, her face streaming with tears, the yellow light from the stove catching the edges of her hair so that she looked as if she were an Italian Renaissance painting of the Madonna. In her arms, Curtis was as blond as a cherub. His face wore a sober, wondrous expression, his eyes cast heavenward.
“Thank you, Mommy,” Curtis said to the air.
A wash of tears blurred the picture again and, struggling to keep them from spilling over, Tyler did not dare blink. He crossed his arms hard and willed them away. The black of Anna's hair and the gold of the fire and Curtis's hair formed bands of smeared light. Rigidly, Tyler stared, trying to keep his emotions in check.
And for one, fleeting, endless second, it seemed there was a pale shadow moving around Curtis and over Anna and somehow obscuring his view of them. At that moment, Charley whined softly from his post at the foot of the bed, and a strange terror bolted through Tyler. He blinked, and felt tears spill, but there was only Anna and Curtis, heads bent together. Anna murmured something and began to sing softly, rocking back and forth with his son in her arms.
On puppet legs, Tyler forced himself to move across the small space between them. He pressed a kiss to Curtis's crown. “Good night, son,” he said.
And fled.
 
 
Anna tucked Curtis in and sang a lullaby. “I love you, sweetie,” she whispered, pressing a kiss to his forehead.
A gleam lit the bright blue eyes. “I love you more.”
“I love you most.”
“You're bigger!” he cried, and giggled.
“Night.”
Quietly, Anna went into the other room. Tyler sat on the couch, staring at the fire. His long back was rigid, his hands were folded and pressed to his mouth. For a moment, Anna paused, wondering what his thoughts were, and if he'd be willing to share them.
She had worried about this, about the moment when everything sank in. He'd been too calm, which meant his feelings were buried. It wasn't natural for a man who had lost so much to absorb the new marriage and impending birth without at least a little worry or angst or
something.
Especially a man like Tyler, who felt things deeply, and who had been taught by his father that such feelings were unmanly.
Anna thought he'd probably hidden his feelings even from himself, but the conversation with Curtis had dragged everything into the open. His expression had been one of panic.
Taking a breath, she crossed the room to sit down beside him, and put a hand on his back. “Are you all right?”
His head fell forward, as if weighted by dark thoughts. “No.”
Instinctively, Anna simply rubbed the long muscles in his back, over and over. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He jumped up, pulling away from her, and put one arm on the mantel. “I don't think I can do this, Anna. I can't stand it. I can't stand to think about it.”
A breathless panic dripped from the words. Anna had pegged it right. Still, she wasn't quite sure how to respond. Did he really mean he couldn't face it at all, or was this just the first, brutal realization of the fact that he was going to be facing another pregnancy and birth? She frowned. “Tyler, come sit down, please.”
He shook his head, his jaw hard. “Please, it's not you. I just can't breathe.”
“Okay. Can you listen?”
“Yeah.”
“I mean really listen.”
With visible effort, he straightened and looked at her. Anna wanted to weep at the expression she saw there—a combination of panic and sorrow and genuine confusion. “Yeah.”
“I'm not sure what's scaring you the most, but I'm guessing you're just now realizing that I have to have the baby sometime.”
A curt nod. “It's not rational. I know that. But it doesn't seem to matter. It makes me feel sick to my stomach.”
“Given what you've been through, that's not surprising. And we both know there are no guarantees. I wish there were.” She gave him a rueful smile. “If you think it's scary from your side, you should be in my shoes.”
“Are you afraid?” He asked the question as if the possibility had never occurred to him.
Anna laughed. “Well, of course I am. All new mothers are. It's normal. You hear stories.” She rolled her eyes. “When my female relatives got together after one of them had a baby, you would not believe the birth stories they told. I remember I was in a hospital waiting for my sister Catherine's baby to be born, and there was some woman screaming bloody murder at the top of her voice the whole time. I was sure she was dying, but my mother just sat there next to me, reading the newspaper like it was nothing.”

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