Her (52 page)

She got up off the couch and headed towards her bedroom. I got up and followed her.

“Shut up,” I repeated back to her. “That’s all you have
ever
wanted me to do. You wanted me to shut up when Jack was put away and people asked questions. Even when Jack was hurting Nick and I knew and tried to tell you, you told me to shut up.”

“Shut up, Kristen,” she said.

Tears poured out of her eyes. Her face was red and she pulled at her hair. We were in her bedroom and I stood by the door. There was nowhere else for her to go.

“I swear, Kristen. If you don’t get out of my face...”

“You wanted me to shut up because...” I hesitated, but I got out the last words I had said to her that night.

“
You knew, Mom
,” I told her. “You knew everything! You wanted me to shut up because you can’t admit to yourself that Nick continued to get hurt because you didn’t do anything about it. You wanted to live in your perfect, little, naive world. That’s why you wanted me to shut up. And now you want me to shut up because you can’t take it. You can’t take the fact that I could have died last month, and it would have been your fault!”

That was the last straw. Mom gasped. Her eyes grew big in shock. I choked back more words that I could have shot at her, but I kept quiet. She came towards me and grabbed my arm so tight that it felt like I was losing circulation.

“Why don’t you just go down to your room and cut your wrists again!” she yelled at me. “If I’m such a terrible mother, why don’t you just go do it and make sure you do it right? Or just get out of my house!”

She wasn’t crying anymore. Her eyes were red and puffy. She was certainly angry and she was not holding back. She pushed me out of her bedroom with full force. I didn’t fight back. I knew what I’d said, and I expected it to make her angry.

“I’m the bad mother because you tried to kill yourself and because of everything that happened years ago. I can’t fix it. What’s done is done. So, your poor, little, victimized, weak and jaded, teenage self who can’t make it on her own will have to settle for a kitchen knife. If you want to kill yourself, you’ll have to use that because I sold all of those fancy little knives you wasted your money on. Just do me one favor, Kristen. Don’t use my good cleaver knife.” She gave me one last push to make sure I was out of her way, and then she thrashed shut her bedroom door.

I went down to my bedroom and I sat on the bed, not sure what to feel. It felt good to get out what I had been holding in all those years, but I had never imagined she would be so angry to the point of actually
telling
me to die. I didn’t think she was wrong for feeling the way she did about me, because I was a problem for her, and I had only made things worse. What I'd said to her was true, she knew, and she needed to know that I was aware of it, even if it did kill one of us in the end.

CHAPTER 55

I didn’t kill myself by cutting my wrists. In fact, I didn’t even call out to Mr. Sharp that night. Mom and I didn’t say much to each other over the next few days. I was glad when Monday came around because I was going back to work. Mom was glad too, because she didn’t have to work as many hours at her job as she had been working when I had been in Bent Creek.

My boss was glad to have me back at work. I made sure to wear long sleeves. It wasn’t too bad, because summer was nearing its end, and the chill of fall was starting to rise into the air. When I entered work, my boss gave me a warm hug. After I settled in, she showed me the new product and had me begin inventory and stocking the shelves with new merchandise. She didn’t waste any time on getting me back to laboring.

The morning was slow with customers in the store. There were mostly homemakers coming in, shopping for new clothes and shoes for their children. I was ringing up the last customer in the store for the morning when my stomach growled. It was nearly afternoon, which meant I had a lunch break coming soon.

The customer was leaving the store with her new merchandise and pushing a baby stroller, and as she walked out of the door, I noticed Lexus holding the door open. The woman passed by Lexus and thanked her as she exited the store. I had to blink twice to make sure I was really seeing Lexus. Sure enough, it was Lexus. She was dressed in a blue and white, satin camisole and a pair of low-riding blue jeans. Lexus walked into the store looking beautiful and glowing with happiness. She approached me at the counter with an Abercrombie and Fitch bag in her hand.

She smiled a warm smile and asked me, “Are you hungry?”

I looked over at the clock on the wall, trying not to let her smile get to me. It was too late. I was hungry and I missed her a lot. I felt guilty because I hadn’t bothered to call her to tell her that I was home from Bent Creek, even though I knew that she would find out from her parents. And, worst of all, I hadn’t bothered to try to reach out to her and apologize for the way I had behaved the last time we had seen each other.

“Give me a minute?” I asked.

“Sure,” she said.

Lexus kept that smile on her face that made me feel guilty.

I walked to the back room and opened the door labeled: EMPLOYEES ONLY. Beyond that door was a storage room that connected to the manager’s office. There was a cozy couch and a nineteen-inch, flat-screen television. The television sat on top of an orange milk crate near the manager’s office.

My boss looked up at me as she lay on the couch. She was watching a talk show on the television.

She said, “What’s going on? Did it get busy out there?”

The audience from the daytime talk show cheered as an angry woman pummeled a man on the stage. The studio audience seemed to be extraordinarily excited over this woman’s apparent rage from whatever injuries this man had caused her.

I looked away from the television and frowned at my boss.

“No,” I told her. “It’s time for me to take my lunch break.”

“Oh, Kristen,” she whined. “Can’t you go on your break in fifteen minutes? At least let me watch the rest of this part. I have to see if he fails the lie detector test, and I need to know if he is father of her baby, or if it's his younger brother.”

“No,” I denied her. “I have to go. I’m starving.”

Before she could get out another plea, I went over to the time clock and punched in the time on my card.

“I’m clocked out.” I told her, “I’ll be back in an hour.”

I walked back into the front of the store and my boss dragged herself behind. She had a childish scowl on her face. She couldn’t keep me from going to lunch just because she wanted to finish watching some sleazy talk show.

As Lexus and I walked to the food court, she kept looking over at me as if she was waiting for me to say something to her. I knew what she wanted to hear. I just wasn’t too sure if it was the right time to say it.

When I didn’t say anything, she decided to begin with, “Are we okay, Kristen?”

I nodded. “I think so.”

She clasped her hands together with a big smile on her face.

“Good,” she said. “There’s just so much to tell you.”

Of course we were okay again. Lexus didn’t hold grudges, and she didn’t keep anger built up inside of her. I had always known Lexus to be confident and a sincerely admirable person. Those were just a few of the qualities that I envied about her. She had other friends, too. Friends that were genuinely happy, and they were like her, including John. I was the only negative person in her life whom she considered a best friend. I had always wondered why this girl was my friend, because I was nothing like her.

CHAPTER 56

Lexus and I sat at a small, square table in the food court of the mall. We both decided to settle for sushi from the Japanese restaurant. They were handing out samples of California Rolls and had a special on the Yum Yum rolls. We couldn’t resist.

Lexus did most of the talking. I didn’t mind, because I didn’t want to talk about Bent Creek or anything that was really going on with me. It would have been too much, and it probably would have ruined her good mood. Lexus liked to be happy and she liked to hear good things. I wanted her to be that way. I didn’t want to be the cause of distress once again.

Lexus talked about her family and everyone’s involvement in her wedding. She insisted on paying for her own wedding dress because she felt bad that her father was paying for everything else, including the engagement party that was coming up.

“It is
my
wedding dress,” she said. “I can’t believe how much it cost! Can you believe it was almost three thousand dollars?”

I nodded.

“Well,” Lexus said with a sigh, “let’s not talk about the cost. That doesn’t matter. I guess what really matters is that it is finally going to happen.”

She was glowing with happiness, and I secretly envied her. I tried to push that unloved feeling away. I wanted to listen to her, and keep the focus and attention on her. This was my best friend. This was Lexus. She deserved to be this happy.

“John proposed to me at a party my parents were having. When he and Dad stepped away to talk, I kind of had a feeling that he was going to ask my Dad if he could propose, but, then again, I had my doubts.”

“Why did you doubt?”

“I don’t know,” she said. “That night was-”

Her voice trailed off as if she had to think about what she was going to say next. I looked at her silently as I waited. She looked away from me and shook her head.

“It’s okay,” I said, “I know that was the night when I messed up. I know that’s why you didn’t answer your phone. It was a perfect night, just like you said.”

I smiled at her. She had to know that I was not angry at her for being happy.

She wiped a single tear that rolled out the corner of her eye. She sucked back more tears in a deep breath. She cut her eyes back at me for a second, most likely expecting me to be looking sad. When she saw that I was smiling, she looked back at me. She let out a sigh and then began to chuckle.

“Why am I crying?” She continued laughing.

“I don’t know.” I let out a laugh.

“Kristen,” she called out to me. “I am really sorry.”

“No,” I told her. “You did the right thing. I’m glad you didn’t answer your phone that night, because then things would not have gone as they should have for you. Now, everything is as it should be.”

Lexus’ smile disappeared when I finished speaking. A look came over her. I had never seen the look from her before. It was a look of wonder and amazement. Her eyes narrowed and the color seemed to warm her face. Her cheeks relaxed as her mouth slightly opened. She cocked her head slightly to the left side while staring at me.

“There’s something different,” Lexus realized aloud.

“What?” The new expression that graced her caught me by surprise.

“I don’t know.”

As she spoke, her eyes warmed me ever more.

“I’m looking at you,” she said, “and I’m listening to you, and you...you’re...”

When her voice trailed off again so that she could think about what she wanted to say, I took the opportunity to cut the topic short. I wasn’t ready for what Lexus might have said to me. In fact, it scared me to think of what may have been coming next.

She opened her mouth to let out the words that had come to her when I reached across the table and grabbed her left hand. This made her quickly close her mouth.

“Can I see?” I asked her.

“Yes,” she said. “It just worked out perfectly. Look at it!”

Lexus stretched out the fingers on her left hand and dazzled her gorgeous, teardrop, white diamond.

I couldn’t help but touch it. It was beautiful. I told her that I was very happy for her and that she deserved it more than anyone did.

Lexus smiled and said, “Thank you so much. That means the world to hear you say that.”

“I’m sure everyone’s told you that,” I told her.

“Yes,” she said. “But I appreciate it so much more from you.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re my best friend. And I want you to be one of my bridesmaids.”

I unintentionally rolled my eyes.

Lexus caught me.

She explained, “I want to share this happiness with you. You are the reason I know John. We all grew up together. So you, more than any of my other friends, know how special this is. I need you to help me set things up and get ready for my big day. It wouldn’t be right without you there beside us.”

The sparkle and gleam in her eyes made me say yes.

She reached across the table, and her long arms grabbed me. We both stood up and we hugged each other. I quickly wiped away the painful tear that shot out of my right eye before we pulled away so that she wouldn’t see me crying.

As I sat back down in my seat, I felt the metal ball turn in my chest. I ignored it, picked up a Yum Yum sushi roll with my chopsticks, and then ate it.

Lexus was still smiling.

I kept my eyes focused on the food. I knew that if I looked at her she’d see that I wasn’t smiling and that rottenness inside of me would somehow seep out and ruin the moment.

“So,” she said as she ate a California Roll. “What color should the bridesmaids’ dresses be?”

“Oh, I know,” I started to answer, but she cut me off.

“Black is not an option,” she said.

“Well, I’ll have to think about it some more,” I told her.

CHAPTER 57

Lexus and John’s engagement party was the main event that everyone had been looking forward to. I had to spend most of my check paying off the late tuition from my home schooling program, along with the steep late fee. Mom and I had to split a gift for Lexus and John. The gift didn’t turn out to be as elegant as most of the gifts we saw in the piles of gifts from their family and friends who were at the party. We got them a gift card for the store IKEA. At least they would be able to get a few nice things to decorate their new home together.

The event was held at the Marriott Marquis. When I entered the event hall, a man greeted us and took my summer jacket and purse. He asked if we had brought a gift for the soon-to-be newlyweds, and I held up a white envelope that contained the gift card and something witty from Hallmark. The man pointed me in the direction of the gift table that was being guarded by two formally-dressed women. When we approached them, they smiled and greeted us warmly.

“Hi,” the one with the biggest smile said. “Do you have a gift for Lexus and John?”

“Yes,” I said as I handed over the envelope.

She frowned as she took it from me. “Okay, well,” she said. “Enjoy the party. You can go right through those doors there.”

She sat the envelope on top of a pile of smaller gift boxes and quickly waved us off to move on to the next pair of guests that were behind Mom, Ally, Nick, and me.

At first, I didn’t understand why I had gotten such a snotty response from that woman, but as I passed the next four tables that were covered in oversized and elegantly wrapped and bowed boxes, it all began to sink in. I shook off the minor upset, seeing that it didn’t seem to bother Mom or the twins, and we approached the large, dark, double doors to the ballroom. Two professionally-dressed men standing at each side reverently opened the doors. As the men held the doors open for us, we entered the ballroom in complete astonishment.

Lexus’ parents had hired a party planner for the engagement party, and it looked like it was money well spent. I immediately noticed the high, hanging chandeliers that rose from the ceiling. Dim, romantic light made the crystals in the chandeliers sparkle like stars in a creamy, vanilla sky. The way the room lit up made everything from the tablecloths to the champagne glasses look like gold. A woman held a wine glass in her hand. When she pressed the glass to her lips and began to drink, it looked like she was drinking pure atomic number 79.

There were tables and bars set up. Servers hurried through the crowds in the most professional attire and manner. They walked from the tables to the kitchen in a maze of party guests. Some of them were going to the bars to collect drinks to take back to tables. They stood tall with their chins and noses up while they were still. When moving, they were swift and traveled with perfect balance in a synchronized rhythm. They didn’t seem to spill a drop.

There was a large stage at the front of the hall. Before the stage was a modest-sized dance floor. The crowd of people dancing looked like they were having the time of their lives. The middle-aged and thirty-something-year-old dancers were being serenaded by a jazz band that was conducted by a maestro. The jazz band looked down at the entertained dancers from the large stage as they played instrumental, upbeat music.