Her (21 page)

I snatched my arms away and hid them in my lap. “I’m fine. It’s okay, Lexus.”

“Okay,” she said in her sincere voice. “I have to go now. I told my mom that I would be back in thirty minutes. I will try to come visit you again next week. Get better soon, Kristen. See you later.”

She gave me one last hug and then she said goodbye to Mom. Geoffrey walked her out. When Lexus was gone, I couldn’t look at Mom.

“Hopefully you will be out of here in no more than two weeks,” she said. “Your boss knows that you are in the hospital. She called because you hadn't shown up for work. I told her that you are in the hospital, and she said that she hopes you get better. Thank goodness, you still have a job. I brought you some deodorant, some clothes, and,” she paused and reached into her purse and pulled out two small folded pieces of paper, “Nicholas and Alison wrote you letters.”

She placed the two folded sheets of paper on the table, and I quickly grabbed them.

“I’ll be back on Monday,” she told me. “Do you need me to bring you anything else when I come?”

I shook my head, but then I thought about it. “Will you bring me a blanket?” I made myself ask her.

“Okay,” she said. “And I’ll bring your school work so that you can finish getting that done. I want you to graduate from that home schooling program.” She gathered up her belongings and began to leave.

Before she got completely out of her chair, I stopped her by touching her arm. “I’m sorry I messed up,” I said.

She looked at me with the most serious eyes. She said, “Whatever it is that you are going through, I can honestly say I do not understand. I guess that’s why I am so upset. Just get better and get out of here. We need you at home.”

I stood up and we hugged.

“I will bring you a hair brush, too,” she said as we pulled away.

We said goodbye, and she walked to the exit, waved to me, and then disappeared with Geoffrey. It was like I wasn’t even there. Mr. Sharp screamed loudly to get out, but there was nowhere for me to go and let him out. The earth seemed to be shaking in my head. I felt exhausted, alone, angry, sad, confused, and empty-everything but dead.

CHAPTER 18

When Dr. Cuvo came for me, I was alone in my bedroom with my head buried in my pillow. I heard Dr. Cuvo calling out my name from the hallway. I was able to dry my tears and pull my hair back into a ponytail before he entered my room. He knocked and then entered. When he came in, I pretended I was asleep in case my eyes were red from crying. He would think that they were red because I was tired.
                                                       

I felt a tender hand brush my back. His touch made me open my eyes suddenly.

“Did I scare you, Kristen?” he asked in a gentle voice.

I wiped my eyes and sat up, shaking my head.

“Sorry to wake you up,” he said as he pulled a chair over beside my bed. “It’s time for your session.”

“Are we going to your office?” I asked him.

Dr. Cuvo looked around, and then he looked back at me. His eyes sparkled. He said with a smile, “This can be my office for now.”

Irritated, I tried to smile back at him because I knew he was trying to be funny.

“It’s good to see you. You look good today.” He smiled at me kindly.

I tried not to blush. I knew he was thinking about our last session and my huge embarrassment. Still embarrassed, I thanked him for the compliment.

“So, you had some visitors today. Was it nice to see your family?”

“Yes.” I wasn’t feeling chatty.

Dr. Cuvo crossed his legs in the chair and rested my chart on his knee. “Was it your Mom and a cousin of yours?”

“Mom and my—Lexus,” I said.

“Who is Lexus?” he asked.

“She’s a friend of our family.”

“A visit from a friend is always good,” Dr. Cuvo said with a smile.

“I thought that the order was only for my Mom to come here and visit me.”

“I wrote an order for adult visitors. Meaning you can only have visitors who are over the age of eighteen. Which, in most cases, are only parental visits, but in your case, your Mom brought your friend. Besides, wasn’t it nice to see your friend?”

I hesitated and stuttered out, “Yes.”

The look on his face told me that he wasn’t buying it.

“Are you sure about that?” he asked.

I was tired. I didn’t feel like talking. I felt like I was being badgered.

“What do you know?” I snapped at him.

Being Dr. Cuvo, he didn’t get angry with me for yelling at him.

He leaned forward and said, “I don’t know anything unless you talk to me, Kristen.”

I hated when he did that. I was already in a bad mood when he’d come in. Now, he wouldn’t leave me alone. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. Dr. Cuvo got up out of his chair and sat my chart down on the seat. He sat down next to me on my bed and placed his hands on my shoulders to make me face him. I buried my face in my hands.

“Kristen, what’s going on? Please talk to me,” he said. “Let me help you.”

I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. My chest was pounding in pain, and breathing became heavy.

“Please calm down, Kristen. Breathe slowly,” Dr. Cuvo said as he squeezed my shoulders.

My insides felt like they were trying to pour out of my eyes. My heart was racing as fast as my mind. My mind filled with thoughts of what had brought me here, the pills, when I’d picked up that knife, and what had made me cut deeper. I had seen Mr. Sharp so clear that night. I knew why I had done it, and I knew what had made me cut deeper. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him so badly. That was the hardest thing I that I had to do, and I tried.

I opened my mouth and cried, “She shut it off! She didn’t pick it up! I thought that I could—but no! No! And Mr. Sharp—she didn’t do it! I…” My words were just mumbles and rants. I saw Dr. Cuvo looking into my eyes helplessly, trying to understand what I was trying to say.

“He said, ‘You’re a loser! Loser! Cut
deeper
!’ I cut
deep
!”

“Kristen,” said Dr. Cuvo. “Who’s calling you a loser?”

“Sharp! Sharp!” I screamed while crying, wishing he could understand.

“Yes, I know. Who called you a loser, and told you to cut deep?” He sighed heavily as he squeezed my shoulders.

He didn’t understand what I was trying to say. I needed him to understand, so I kept trying through the tears.

“It was Sh...Sh...Sharp,” I cried as I struggled to breathe.

Dr. Cuvo gave up and he pressed his finger to my lips to hush me. “Please, Kristen, just try to breathe.” He made me look into his eyes.

I felt myself get light-headed as I panted and sobbed. I closed my eyes so that the room would stop spinning.

“If you don’t calm down and breathe more slowly, you are going to hyperventilate. Please, Kristen,” he begged.

I opened my eyes, and his eyes caught mine. His eyes were very gentle. I tried to look away from him.

“No!” I cried.

The pain of the metal ball beginning to turn in my chest made it harder for me to breathe. The pain grew sharper with each pant. “I’m going to die,” I admitted to Dr. Cuvo. My eyes rolled back and I shut them.

Dr. Cuvo grabbed my hands. My head jerked back. He caught my head in his left hand and he placed his right hand on my cheek. He turned my face towards his. I tried to turn away, but he wouldn’t let me.

“Open your eyes, Kristen,” he said in a gentle voice.

I was afraid to open my eyes, because I still felt his warm hand caressing my face. I felt his breath on my skin.

I slowly opened my eyes, confused. I wanted him to let me go. When my eyes were open, I saw his deep, dark eyes still staring at me.

“Kristen,” he said softly. “Breathe.”

My breathing and the spinning, metal ball in my chest began to slow down.

“No,” he said. “You’re not going to die.”

“But it hurts,” I cried softly.

He said, “I know. That’s the only way we can get through the pain. It’s going to hurt before it gets better. You have to get it out of you.”

I sighed.

“Come here,” he said as he suddenly pulled me closer towards him. His hand went from my cheek to my shoulder down to my back. Then his arms wrapped around me, and he squeezed me gently. I realized he was hugging me. “It is okay, Kristen. Put your arms around me.”

Confused, and suddenly feeling awkward, I did as he told me to. When my arms were wrapped around him, he pulled me even closer, making our torsos touch. Dr. Cuvo stroked my back with his hands. This quickly began to calm me, but when I realized I was breathing normally again, I began to feel awkward.

Scared, I called out to him softly, “Dr. Cuvo?”

“Kristen,” he moaned in a soft and deep voice. “It’s okay.”

“Dr. Cuvo, I am sorry to interrupt, but I was looking for you because--” the familiar voice burst through the door.

Suddenly there was complete silence. Dr. Cuvo and I were not wrapped in each other’s arms any longer. Dr. Cuvo was now standing with his back turned to Geoffrey and me. He stood up and walked over to the window. He shuffled around with his clothes and wiped his face.

“What? What is it?” Dr. Cuvo asked Geoffrey without looking at him.

Geoffrey cocked his head and looked at Dr. Cuvo’s backside, then looked at me, and then back at Dr. Cuvo. He stared at Dr. Cuvo suspiciously and said, “I’m sorry I didn’t knock. Karen told me that you were going to bring Kristen to your office for her session. I went to your office, and you weren’t there, so I came here to see if by chance we’d catch up with each other.” Geoffrey paused and looked at me. “Uh—I just wanted to let you know that Kristen needs to come to the gym when she’s finished. That’s where everyone is. Sorry to disturb you.”

“Thank you, Geoffrey,” Dr. Cuvo said. “We were just finishing up. I’ll bring her.”

Geoffrey nodded. He turned away, but he spun back around and looked at me. “Are you okay, Kristen?”

I nodded and looked away from him.

He looked over at Dr. Cuvo, who still seemed to be pretending to look out of the window. “Okay,” Geoffrey said. He exited the room.

Dr. Cuvo turned around and looked at me. He hurried over to the door, opened it, and stuck his head out. He came back inside and closed the door. He picked up my chart and sat down in the chair facing me. He began writing in my chart.

I sat still, not knowing what to do. I was confused, and I felt awkward. I looked down at my hands and tried to concentrate on picking at my nails.

“Kristen,” Dr. Cuvo called out to me.

I looked up at him.

“I’m going to increase your Risperdol to two milligrams. You’ll start that dosage tonight. I am going to keep a close watch with this increase. I want to eventually get you up to three milligrams to stabilize your mood swings.”

He wrote a few more things in my chart, and then he closed it, stood up, and stretched his hand out. It was the end of the session, and it was time for the end-of-session handshake.

I shook his hand. With my hand in his, he tightened his grip and helped me get up and off the bed by giving me a yank.

He smiled and said, “Come on. I’ll take you to the gym.”

“I thought I had to be Level Three to go to the gym,” I said as we left the room.

“If the whole unit is in the gym, those who are not Level Three may go to the gym, too.”

“When can I go to Level Three?” I asked.

“We’ll see. I need to see more improvement in your session with me and in your group therapy. Do you see this chart? Your counselors and the other doctors who run the groups write notes on your behavior and your participation after every group.”

Dr. Cuvo stuck his key in the door that led us out of the Adolescent Unit. He opened the door for me and let me out first. He followed behind.

“They write in all of our charts?” I asked.

“Yes, everyone’s charts,” he assured me.

“That’s a lot of work,” I said.

“And it takes a lot of time,” he admitted to me.

“Why don’t you moderate any groups?” I asked.

“This is the gym,” he said as we came to a stop at a large, wooden door with a sign that read GYM. “Goodbye, Kristen.”

“Bye, Dr. Cuvo,” I said.

He started to walk away, but he stopped and came back over to me. He kept walking closer to me, and I backed up and hit the wall. He shocked me with how close he was standing to me. He put his hand on my shoulder and squeezed it hard, practically pinning me to the wall. He looked around and then turned his attention to me. He leaned his face close to mine. “Whatever we do and whatever we say in our sessions together are to be kept confidential, Kristen. Remember that. Okay?”