Hell's Geek (2 page)

“If you don’t plan to screw it, then kill it.” Amazon rule coined by The Black Widow.

He’s blushing.

Surely a first in Hell, and definitely a first for Valaska. Most men would have preened at getting caught slick and naked by her. Amazon women were known to be voracious and lusty lovers.

Given their reputation, the boner the naked guy sported was not surprising in the least. What did manage to shock her was his yelled, “There’s a woman in my bathroom!” He then popped back into the shower and hid behind the curtain.

Seriously?

She glanced over at Lucifer, who shrugged. “The boy is modest. Not sure how that happened, what with him being raised in the pit.”

Modesty in Hell. The idea was practically laughable. The pit was a place where inhibitions were waived and hedonistic views prevailed. Nudity did not carry any stigma. Down here, it was clothing required beaches that were in the minority.

“Is he going to hide in there all day?”

“
He
,” said the guy in the shower, “would like a little privacy to get dressed. So could you please get out?”

“Please?” Lucifer grimaced. “Did you seriously just say that to gross me out?”

Naked man peeked around the curtain, brows knit in a frown. He opened his mouth to speak, but instead of words, he yelped, probably because he suddenly lost his footing and scrabbled to hold on to the curtain, which ripped, the tinkling sound of the rings being shaken loose almost musical. Less harmonic was the thump as the guy hit the bottom of the tub, wrapped in plastic, groaning.

“Um, are you all right?” she asked.

“Uhn.”

“Is that a yes or a no?”

A steady handclap from Lucifer stole her attention. “On a clumsy scale of one to ten, I rate that a solid eight point three,” Lucifer announced.

Another groan emerged from the shower curtain heap in the tub. “You are not funny. I need to get dressed, so if you don’t mind, would you get out of my bathroom?”

“What if I do mind?”

“Get the fuck out!” shouted the man, who’d finally lost all patience.

“That’s better. About time you stopped being so bloody polite.” Lucifer slid off the vanity and stalked back into the main living area, which didn’t boast much in ways of décor or furniture, unless the stacks of books counted.

Following the devil, Valaska took notes of some of the titles,
The First Six Books of the Elements of Euclid
by John Casey and
The Evanston Colloquium: Lectures on Mathematics
by Felix Klein.

Sounded dry and boring, but the paperback peeking from under a sofa cushion,
Kodiak’s Claim
, proved an interesting title, especially given the cover featured a bare-chested man and a bear. What an odd choice of reading material for the repressed man in the bathroom. A man she found surprisingly attractive—if a tad skinny.

While not a giant by any means, he at least matched her in height, which put him over six feet. His shoulders were wide, and he didn’t appear to bear an ounce of fat, but neither was he a man who worked out six hours a day or took bulking supplements. His physique was lean, very lean, which made the length and width of his cock jarring.

I don’t know why he’s so shy about showing it off.
He definitely had reason to boast, and yes, she took notice. As a woman of lusty appetite, Valaska wasn’t shy when it came to choosing bed partners.

Perching herself on a barstool in front of the small countertop for his kitchen—an area that bore scorch marks on the ceiling and cupboards as well as the lingering smell of smoke—she leaned her elbows back and perused the man she currently worked for.

Lucifer. Lord of the pit himself. Appearing in his forties, he was currently attired in a suit, a black pin-striped affair with a light pink shirt and a tie that bore—she leaned forward just to be sure—fuchsia-colored flamingoes.

“Nice tie,” she remarked.

“I know. I have a tailor who handcrafts all my outfits and oversees the creation of wonderful accents such as this tie.”

“But what’s up with the footwear?”

Lucifer peered down at his bright red duckie slippers, sporting an ivory set of horns. “Dammit. I meant to change out of those before coming to this meeting.”

“They look…comfortable.”

“They are. Gaia hates them though. Says the duckies give her the willies. She banned my matching onesie from our bedroom.”

“The horror.” And she didn’t mean Gaia’s decision but more the fact that the lord of the pit wore a onesie.

“Not even married yet and already she’s dictating to me. Which reminds me, I need to dick-tate to her later.” Lucifer winked.

Valaska knew better than to reply to his innuendo. There was nothing worse than getting caught by Lucifer when he launched into one of his boastful speeches about his abilities as a lover. Especially since he was off the market so no one could demand he prove his skill.

Speaking of skill, apparently hers were required. Lucifer had requested a capable warrior and since the Amazonian Queen, Thora, owed the guy a favor, and Valaska had lost the arm wrestling match, she now found herself in his employ, but she still had yet to fully grasp in what capacity.

“So what’s up with the prima donna in the bathroom?” Valaska asked, and why had the devil insisted she accompany him to meet the guy? It wasn’t as if Mr. RedCheeks-BigDick posed a threat.

“Adexios is
special.
”

She didn’t miss the inflection. “Hockey helmet special?”

“Not quite.”

“Germaphobe special?”

“Possibly.”

“Going to achieve great things kind of special?” She threw that out there, even if she didn’t quite believe it.

“Very great things. You both are actually going to achieve wondrous things.”

Why did she not trust the smile on Lucifer’s lips and the calculating gleam in his eye?

“What he means to say,” the no-longer-naked guy said exiting the bathroom, “is he’s got some kind of twisted plot, and he’s decided we’re going to play in it.”

“Twisted? I like that.” The devil preened as if given the highest compliment.

“Is he telling the truth? Are you planning to use us in some devious scenario?”

“While I usually try to avoid the T word, in this case”—Lucifer beamed—“indeed I am planning to use you to further my greatness. You’re welcome by the way.”

“Will it involve violence?” she asked, going straight for the important part.

“I should hope so,” Satan answered.

“Awesome. I’m in.”

“You’re in?” the guy sputtered. “But you don’t even know what you’re agreeing to?”

She shrugged. “As long as I get to kill things or smack them around, I’m good. Beats doing beach patrol back home.” Amazons had very simple goals in life. Eat, sleep, fight, and die with glory in battle.

“Aren’t you just the most agreeable girl.” Lucifer grimaced. “I’ll allow it in this instance, but for future reference, I do expect a little bit of back talk. How else am I supposed to keep my dire glare in fine form? Do you think the art of intimidation comes easily? Well, it does for me, but still, a demon should practice it, lest he get rusty.”

“Well, you can practice it on me,” announced the fellow, who’d dressed in, of all things, a pale blue button-down shirt and beige khakis. Add in a pencil protector and glasses and he’d totally rock the nerd look. “I don’t do violence. It’s bad enough I’ve got to deal with those Styx monsters constantly trying to make me look incompetent. I don’t need some steroid-using demon beating the crap out of me to make myself feel good.”

“Perhaps if you didn’t let them beat you up, you wouldn’t feel so bad,” she advised.

He didn’t like her suggestion and shot her a glare. “Who are you anyhow, and why are you here?”

Lucifer clapped his hands and rubbed them together. “Ah, yes, did I forget to make introductions. Adexios, son of Charon, current occupation boatman in charge of ferrying the souls, meet Valaska, Amazon ass-kicking bitch.”

She puffed out her chest—which was quite impressive in her current corset, something both Lucifer and Adexios noticed. A compliment from the big man was a thing to take pride in. And, yes, that meant brownie points, as pride was one of the basic sins. If she kept this up, she might even earn a bonus on this job.

“And why is an Amazon warrior in my living room?” Adexios asked.

“Because she’s going with you on your mission.”

“Mission? No can do. I have a job. You know, ferrying the souls across the Styx. Father and son gig. I can’t let my dad down.”

“Such a good son, it makes me sick.” Lucifer gagged. “You remind me of my boy, Christopher. He’s such a disappointment that way too. But no worries about your father. Charon said I was more than welcome to have you. Actually, his exact words were, ‘Take that clumsy idiot and make a man of him, would you?’ So you see, you’re good to go out into the wilds with Valaska here and count minions.”

“Excuse me?” The geeky fellow blinked a few times and then dug into his pocket, pulling out black-rimmed glasses that he perched on his nose.

Much as she hated to admit it, he kind of rocked the whole academic look, not that she’d let her Amazon sisters know of course. They’d mock her for finding such a weak male specimen cute.

“You are not excused. Forgiveness is for pussies,” Lucifer announced.

“I wasn’t asking for forgiveness, more like a repeat of what you said because I must have misunderstood.  Did you say you wanted me to count minions in the wild?”

“Indeed I did. I need a proper count of all the able bodies that I can conscript in case of a conflict. War is coming,” Lucifer said, his tone low and ominous.

“A war with who?”

“Who cares?” Lucifer rubbed his hands with evident glee. “All I know is it’s about time. The last one was more magic based than violent, and Muriel got most of the glory from it. Damned daughter constantly making me look bad. She does a father proud. But this time, I’m going to be ready. I am really hoping for a bloody battle that I can sink my teeth into. Blood is best when it’s fresh, don’t you know.”

“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Adexios asked.

“According to eighty-nine out of a hundred psychiatrists, yes,” Lucifer replied with evident pride.

“And what about the other eleven?” Adexios asked.

“Had them reassigned to latrine duty for incompetence of course. I have a reputation to maintain after all. Mentally balanced, my hairy ass.”

“Well, you’ll be glad to know that this current scheme of yours is utterly nuts.”

“What are you talking about? Adventure in the wild hunting down reluctant recruits. Sounds like fun to me. Count me in.” Valaska always did enjoy roughing it.

“Would you stop saying you’re in,” Adexios exclaimed with a sharp look in her direction. “Do you have any idea what an impossible task he’s given us? The wilds are uncharted for a reason. They keep growing, which means we’ll never be able to cover them all and document all the demons hiding in them.”

“He does have a point,” Lucifer said, agreeing. “It’s total busy work, but I had to do something. Your dad is too nice”—cue the gagging noise—“to tell you this, but he thinks you’re not cut out for the ferrying souls business.”

“And he’s just now realizing this?” Adexios rolled his eyes. “I could have told him that the first time I capsized the boat in still water. I don’t know why he came to you with his concerns. Dad could have said something to me. He wouldn’t have hurt my feelings. I’m glad the truth is finally out in the open because now I don’t feel obligated to follow in his footsteps—”

“Does he have feet?” Valaska couldn’t help but ask.

“Fine. Follow in his robe, or whatever you want to call it. I can concentrate on another job. No need to find one for me, boss, but thank you. I appreciate you wanting to help me out.”

Smoke began to wisp from Lucifer’s ears. “Would you stop it with the manners? Who the hell says thank you? You know, I was almost ready to let you off the hook, but instead, I think it is time you remembered who the fuck is boss. I’m the boss, and I say you’re going to the wilds to count fucking demons. And that’s final.”

With a poof of brimstone smoke, Lucifer vanished from sight, leaving Adexios with a dropped jaw.

“Way to go, geek boy. Now you’ve pissed off the big guy.”

“Oh, please. Don’t tell me you bought that act. Lucifer is up to something.”

“Yeah, he wants us to find demons. Sounds like fun.”

He glared at her. “Mucking around in the swamps and ash forest is not fun. It’s dirty. Hot. And lacking in all amenities.”

He said that like it was a bad thing. “Exactly. Don’t worry, nerd boy. I’ll make sure none of the big bad monsters hurt you.”

But she didn’t guarantee she’d protect him from herself. Making her negative partner scream yes instead of no was just the kind of challenge she could sink her teeth into.

I wonder how he feels about biting.

“Manners are for pussies. As are dicks.” Lucifer’s unofficial thirteenth commandment.

In the blink of an eye, Lucifer reappeared in his office sporting a wide smile. He had a reason to be well pleased with himself, given the meeting had gone more or less how he expected.

Adexios resented him—which totally meant he was in the running for shittiest boss of the year.

Valaska was looking for violence and trouble—and she’d totally find some, even if Lucifer had to manufacture it.

And was it him or did he detect a spark between the two?

“You look entirely too pleased with yourself.”

The yelp Lucifer let out had nothing to do with the fact that his fiancée had snuck up on him. “Dammit, woman. How many times do I have to tell you to wear that lovely bracelet I got you?”

“You mean the one with bells?” Gaia held up her wrist. “I am. But I’ve charmed it into silence.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because it bothered my roses.”

Liar. She’d silenced it so she could sneak up on him. But he appreciated her verbal sin because he knew she did it just for him. How he loved this woman. He just didn’t like to mention it aloud. Feelings, much like courtesy, were for pussies.

“Well, you shouldn’t just pop in like that. I could have been conducting an important meeting. How would it look if you just sashayed in, whenever you wanted, interrupting shit?”

“Like I was disrespecting you, which, in turn, means I would have required correction.” Gaia shot him a sassy smile, and he almost tossed her on his desk to have his way with her.

“Incorrigible wench.”

“Your wench.”

“Mine.” How he loved coveting and possessing things, especially someone as spectacular as Mother Earth.

In your face, brother
. And God thought he was so hot just because he was dating Diana, that moon goddess chick.

“I love it when you get all growly. Come over here, lover.”

“Wench, put your seductive wiles on hold. I am conducting serious business.”

“Matchmaking again?” she asked dryly.

“Of course. Is it my fault I have a talent for it?” Lucifer had no modesty when it came to admitting his strengths.

“You’re not supposed to force people to fall in love.”

“Why not? It worked with you.” He waggled his brows and leered.

“You didn’t force me. Against my better judgment, and despite all the therapy sessions and spells, I just couldn’t help myself. You’re like crack to my heart.”

His gaze narrowed. “Did you just compare me to a highly addictive, dangerous drug?”

“Yes.”

“
Mon amour
.” He couldn’t help but swoop in for a kiss that went from her wrist, up her bare arm, and to the hollow of her neck.

Gaia giggled. “Luc, you are so bad.”

“The baddest.” And horniest.

Also the most blue balled seeing as how she stepped away from him before he could manage to strip her and sink balls deep into her delicious sex.

“About Adexios, you aren’t seriously sending him out to count demons in the wild? It’s impossible and a waste of his talent,” she said.

Lucifer rolled his eyes in a very duh expression. “I know the boy is too smart for that. However, I couldn’t tell him the real reason I needed him out there.”

“You’re still searching for that thing that popped in from that other dimension, aren’t you? I thought you told me not to worry my pretty pubic curls about it.”

“And I still don’t want you to worry. I will handle it. This is man’s work.” Chauvinism, alive and well in Hell.

“Handle what? Did you find anything out?”

He grimaced. “No, and this despite the fact that I’ve scoured the circles. I’ve had Nefertiti cast her magic. I’ve had all the prophecy makers brought in and questioned. Goats have been sacrificed then barbecued. Tea, drunk by the gallon so we can read the leaves. My people have been scouring the rag sheets and listening to the rumor mills. Nothing has shown up.”

“Maybe because there is nothing to worry about.”

He could tell she didn’t believe that lie either. Something had come out of that interdimensional rift during that fiasco with the mermaids. Something evil. Something that threatened his kingdom.

And he wanted to find it so he could demolish it.

“I know what will help take your mind off things.” Gaia cast him a sassy look as she bent over his desk, presenting her bottom, a creamy bottom that she exposed by having a warm, fragrant breeze lift her filmy green skirt. “I was a bad girl today, lover.”

“How bad?” he asked, his mood, along with his cock, lifting.

“Let’s just say I need you to punish me.”

No one could ever accuse Lucifer of not giving his woman what she needed. And she was right. It did help him forget about everything. Even the fact that he’d forgotten to give his newest matchmaking pair some recent information about the wilds.