Hell Bent (8 page)

I
watch
from the window as Bryce’s Explorer pulls away from the curb. I am dancing on tiptoes with happiness; nothing can pull me down from this high. I feel warm again at the thought of his hands and mouth on me. I want to do things for him that will make him want me all the more.

I wonder what his favorite dish is? Color? TV show? This is all so new to me. I don’t let people get this close to me, and the thought of it scares me. What if something happens? What if I’m just a casual fling for him? I can’t bear to let myself think these thoughts so I head for the shower and turn the water on as hot as I can stand it.

My hands soap my body and trace the imprints of his fingers. Odd, but my own hands don’t feel anywhere as good as his do. I catch myself and blush, shutting off the water and standing there for a bit, letting the drops run down my body before I reach for the towel.

For some reason, everything about me seems suddenly sensual. The water feels like caresses, the towel feels like his hairy, strong chest. The colors out the window are bright, and I can see patterns, like the outlines of his tattoos. I hear his voice in the music on the radio and suddenly want to have an “our song” like the kids in high school. What in the hell is the matter with me?

The annoying tone of the phone startles me, and I make a mental note to change the ringtone. For some reason I no longer have the desire to make the world an acidic place. In fact, I really can only think of one person, and his name is Bryce.

“Hello?”

“My-my, you sound chipper,” Milly says.

I blush and decide I need to be careful, or else she will guess what is happening. She knows me as well as I know her.

“Are you there?” she is asking.

“Yes,” I answer after a moment, although I am lost in the reverie of my life at the moment.

“What’s going on?” Milly is intrigued and can tell something is changed.

“What do you mean?”

“You sound different…oh, my god! I get it! It’s a man!” Her voice is on fire with suspicion.

“So?” I decide there is no point in hiding it. She will only figure it out eventually, and then I will have to hear about it.

“Who?”

I refuse to answer, and this sends her imagination into overtime.

“Oh, my god! It’s him, isn’t it? It’s Bryce!”

“What makes you think that?” I try to steer her a bit sideways.

“He’s the only new man in your life, silly. He’s hot on your trail, and he’s the sort of guy who gets what he wants. What happened? Tell me! Did you sleep together? Where is he? Is he still there now?”

She is alive with questions, and it is grating on me. I want to live in the cocoon of memory for a bit longer before it becomes Milly’s front page news.

“Milly, there are some things I prefer to keep to myself.” I know this is a weak attempt, and I’m only buying time, but I can’t listen to her squeal one minute more.

“Oh, my God! I’m right! And you slept together! His place or yours? Or a hotel? I can’t wait to tell Cam!” she prattles on.

“No!” I stop her abruptly. “Milly, leave it for now, will you? Don’t say anything…please.”

“Why not?”

I ask myself the same question. I know there is a reason, but I can’t put my finger on it. “Just not yet, okay? I don’t know where things stand, and maybe it’s something he doesn’t want known.”

“Are you crazy? He called here all night to get to you. If he didn’t want anyone to know, he would have found you another way. Of course he wants us to know, silly! Oh, this is so romantic. The best man and the maid of honor!”

“Enough!” I’m beginning to lose my temper. I feel instantly sorry for shouting. “Look, Milly, this is about you and your wedding. Don’t mix me into it. Leave it be for now, would you? Just focus on all the wonderful things going on in your life, and let me deal with my own by myself. Can you do that for me? Please?” I hope she hears the need in my voice to be left alone.

She is silent for a moment and then answers, “I get it…sure, Susie…you’re entitled to your wishes. I won’t say a word, not even to Cam. But if Bryce brings it up, all bets are off, okay?”

“Okay,” I agree, knowing there’s nothing I can do about it anyway. But at least it will be Bryce who opens the can of worms.

There is so much here to sort out, I need a bit of time. Milly doesn’t realize all the ramifications of what is going on, and the longer she is ignorant, the longer she will be happy. I get a déjà vu reaction, momentarily. Why does this feel so familiar?

“Why are you calling?”

“Oh, yeah, I wanted to ask you to meet me for lunch tomorrow, if you can. Before I start my shift at noon. Are you still doing the first shift this week? Can you get off long enough to meet in the cafeteria? I’d like to talk wedding stuff, and we’re both so busy…” her voice trails off in my consciousness.

I cannot get Bryce off my mind.

“Sure, no problem,” I respond from somewhere in the automatic part of my brain. “Just pop up to my floor and grab me when you get there,” I add, thinking of muscled arms and tattooed pecs.

“See you then!” she says cheerily. “Behave yourself!” are the parting words and I tap the phone off.

Jesus
, I have so much to think about.

I
can’t seem
to keep my mind on the road, even though the traffic is heavy and littered with idiots. I leave a strategic gap between myself and the car in front of me, a safer advantage when the guy ahead of me slams his brakes, but it only seems to leave room for more idiots to cut in the lane.

I am feeling totally out of control, and this is not a common feeling for me. I relish my self-control: I’m actually known for it. People know when I am involved, they can trust me.

So what the fuck is going on in my head? I don’t have to go too far before I recognize it’s Susie. She has me turned upside down. She is so unlike the women I dated before, so unlike anyone. I realize that I’ve thought of her as a cream-puff, and this holds true—her exterior is tough and thorny in the effort to protect herself. But on the inside, she’s soft and oh-so-delectable.

I know drunks, have quite a few buddies that spend too much time with a bottle in their mouths. They can be mean, unpredictable, unreliable, and completely selfish. I am blown away by the idea that Susie thinks she has the power to protect those she loves from this kind of addiction. I imagine the guy probably was not a model character to begin with, and then I realize that I don’t even know if he’s still alive or not. Odd—she speaks of him in the past but there is a certain lack of explanation to account for where he is today.

A car cuts me off, and I resist the temptation to lay on the horn, as though it’s going to make a difference anyway. Sometimes the streets here are more dangerous than the war zones. At least over there, you’re wearing some protection and carrying a gun. Here, the only thing that can save you is being alert and knowing how to out-maneuver people who should not have a license.

There’s more to my mental state than Susie, though, but I can’t go there. The code is prompting me to sit down with Cam and let him know what Milly’s mother is hiding. It’s not right to just stand by and watch while the senator screws up his life. Milly is a great gal, granted, but she comes with the potential risk that she won’t be celebrating any golden anniversaries or making trips to a delivery room.

Damn!
Why did I promise Susie I would keep it quiet? I know why, my gut tells me. I’m in love with the cream-puff, and I will do whatever she asks me to do. Is this part of the deal? Do I have to sacrifice everything I believe in to accommodate someone else’s problems?

I know I will have to resolve this, and soon. The wedding is coming up, and after that, there is no way out for Cam. He won’t leave her afterwards: he has too much honor for that. He loves her, anyway. But he damned well should know what he’s in for. Cam isn’t like the rest of us, he has a name that must be passed down and a family reputation that he is responsible to uphold. Not that he would bail on Milly, but he needs to think about that farther. Milly’s mother is a piece of work, that’s for sure; she thinks that her official government title is translated into a sense of entitlement.

My thoughts go back to Susie and the promise I made. I’m a man of my word, but there has to be some kind of compromise. I need to talk to her about this. Her loyalty is to Milly—I get it. Does that mean she will choose Milly over me? Is it fair to expect her to make a choice? Is it even an ‘either/or’ situation? I pound my fist on the steering wheel. This whole thing between the cream-puff and me is too new to stand up to this practiced regimen of Milly-protection Susie has assigned to herself.

I turn off onto a side street and head into a carwash. The attendant collects my money and waves me through, brushing off the windows with a soap-filled wand. I take a minute to think about this guy and the job he has. Would I be content to do something like this for the rest of my life? For even an hour? I don’t count my blessings that while I might have lost part of a foot and some skin, I still function as I always did, and this car wash is not my fate…or the cemetery down the street. I thank God that I’ve gotten this far and that the cream-puff is nearby.
Damn,
though…there has to be some kind of compromise.

As I pull out of the carwash, I’m amazed to see Cam sitting in his car at the edge of the lot. It’s idling, and apparently he is waiting for me. I pull alongside and roll down the wet window. “Hey!”

Cam is grinning, but I can see he has something to say. “Fuck, man, are you deaf? I’ve been following you for the last five miles and honking, and you ignored me! I even tried calling you!”

I look at my cell and see the message of a missed call. What was I thinking? Was I that into my own head?

“Sorry, buddy, things on my mind,” I say.

“Like what?” Cam isn’t usually this persistent. He is a take it or leave it kind of guy.

I decide to be truthful. “A broad.”

“Oh? Who?”

I should have been able to predict this would be his next question and prepare for it, but I have not.

“Anyone I know?” he prompts me, smiling.

I roll my eyes and head, searching for something oblique to say but nothing comes to mind. “Yeah.”

“Say it,” he orders.

“What?”

“Say her name,” he repeats his order.

“It’s Susie, okay?”

“Okay? Hell, that’s great! I couldn’t say anything until you brought it up—I was sworn to secrecy.” Cam is excited, even animated.

“What? By whom?” I’m puzzled and now a bit alarmed at what his answer will be.

“Milly, of course…who else?” Cam is grinning.

Who else, indeed? Did I think the senator would run over and tell him? Risk being unmasked? Would Susie grab her phone and let Cam know? Of course not! It was Milly, and in some way it will always be Milly who will be behind so many things to come. I know this as surely as I know my name. Cam misses that I even questioned who it could be, and I will let that go by him.

I don’t like that I’m suddenly in collusion with the girls in keeping Milly’s health status from him. At least before, there was some possibility of denial—but not now. I need to talk to Susie, and maybe even Milly. This is getting serious.

Cam’s head is cocked, waiting for an answer, and I realize I’ve been battling within my head. “Hey buddy, I gotta run right now, but let’s grab a beer soon, okay?”

“Yeah, sure, Bryce. Everything all right?” He knows me well and can tell I’m stalling.

“It will be, Cam, buddy…comin’ up roses!” I smile broadly, and he seems reassured by this.

He taps his forehead with his hand in a mock salute and pulls out of the carwash lot.

I exhale outward and up over my bottom lip, thinking that was a close call. It could have gone so many ways. Before I leave the lot, I pick up my cell and dial Susie’s number. She answers on the second ring. This is a good sign.

“Hi!” her voice is cheery and friendly.

“Hey, cream-puff,” I answer.

“Cream-puff?” She laughs as though this is the most ridiculous thing she has ever heard. She is positively giddy. This makes me feel elated.

“Oh, yeah…well, I sort of tagged you with that before we even met. I didn’t expect you to be…well, you know…you.”

“Oh? What did you expect?”

I put my own foot in the trap. “Well, just no one as great as you, that’s for sure,” I try to save myself.

She laughs again. “Okay, I’ll let you get away with that excuse, but someday you will have to tell me what you really expected.”

“So, Susie, we need to talk,” I begin.

“Hmmmm…okay…now?” Her voice is instantly cautious, and I hate myself for not being a little more open in my approach. She is only just now coming to trust me.

“How about lunch tomorrow?” I ask, thinking this will give me time to do a bit of research and be prepared.

“Can’t. I’m having lunch at the hospital with Milly tomorrow. What’s up?” She needs to know, and I can hear this in her voice.

“How about a late supper this evening? Or maybe a coffee?” I don’t want to give my hand away until I’ve prepared.

“Can I know what this is about? Are you dumping me already?” Her voice is trying to be playful but I can hear undertones of insecurity.

“No, no, honey, nothing like that,” I answer, realizing I’ve just used terms of familiarity.

“Well, okay then, sure. There’s a coffee shop on the corner. Maybe about eight o’clock?”

“See you then, cream-puff. Oh, and Susie,” I feel it necessary to add, “Don’t worry, it’s really not about us.”

“Okay…” her voice sounds hesitant and guarded. “See you there.”

B
ryce is waiting
for me when I arrive at the coffee shop. It’s a nice place, cozy, with checkered curtains, nature music, and a bank of deli cases where you can order custom sandwiches or baked goods. I often come here to escape the solitude of my apartment and work on my computer. The proprietor, Dave, smiles as I walk past him. I think he’s sort of interested in me, but flirting is the last thing on my mind at the moment.

“Hey,” I say as I slide into the booth opposite Bryce. “I like that shirt,” I point at his camel-colored sport shirt with black edging, smiling.

“Hey, cream-puff,” he stands enough to lean over and kiss me on the lips, and I can feel that warm gush. I don’t even mind his playful nickname for me. “You look beautiful,” he says, and I look down in surprise at my casual outfit. “You shine from the inside,” he adds. I’m really touched.

We order, and once the drinks are sitting before us, I ask, “So, what’s up?”

He doesn’t waste time—I can tell he is used to carrying out assignments, and whatever he wants to talk about sort of falls into that classification.

“Funny thing happened earlier today,” he begins. “Cam saw me on the road and followed me to the car wash.”

“Oh?”

“He sort of prodded me until I let him know that you and I are together,” he goes on.

“Oh, really?” I am holding my breath, not knowing where this is leading.

Bryce lowers his head and looks up at me, shielding the lower part of his face. “Suze, Cam is a good guy. He has a lot of responsibilities to his family. It’s not right that he is being kept in the dark about Milly. I have to tell you, cream-puff, this isn’t sitting well with me.”

I draw in my breath. “I thought I could trust you!”

“You can, you can…Susie, I won’t say a word about it. But…I want you to talk to Milly. She needs to tell him.”

I lean back in the booth, my heart hammering. I am wishing Bryce didn’t know and that I could learn how to keep my mouth shut. I’ve always been lousy at this. I should know that Bryce would feel a loyalty to Cam, just as I do to Milly…even if it is for different reasons. Well, whatever, it is too late now.

“She doesn’t know,” I whisper.

“Doesn’t know? Doesn’t know what?” Bryce is puzzled.

“She doesn’t know what Sabrina knows,” I admit.

“What? How did that happen?”

“Sabrina had her tested back when she was first sick, when we were teenagers, and she didn’t tell her,” I squirm as I share the news.

“How do you know that? How could you know that?”

“Sabrina as much as admitted it the night she came to my apartment. She has told Milly to hold off being tested because it’s just inviting trouble. I think in her heart of hearts, Milly is trying to pretend there is no chance her lymphoma could ever come back. But Sabrina used words that let me know she already knows…and she tested her for infertility too.”

“Are you sure?” Bryce is aghast.

“Think about it. Not only did she slip in her wording, but why would she threaten me or care if Milly told Cam unless she knew for certain it would mean the end of the engagement and their future together? Sabrina knows she will be stuck with a daughter she thinks is un-marriable. She’s proud…she will see that as a black mark against her, an embarrassment, a social scandal. Milly’s disease was an embarrassment to her. I saw it, Bryce. I was there.”

Bryce is speechless. He is sitting across from me, a look of disgust on his face while he is staring out the window. His hand is tapping the cup, and I can’t help myself. I am feeling those fingers upon my most tender flesh. His eyebrows rise.

“That’s why you protect her,” his voice summarizes.

I nod.

“It’s not your responsibility, cream-puff. She’s a friend, but not your kid. She is the senator’s responsibility.”

“I can’t do that to her,” I say.

“You’re not doing anything to her, Suze. It’s just a matter of damned bad luck.”

“I can’t do that to her!” I cry out louder this time.

“Susie? Susie! What is it, honey? Tell me where this comes from,” Bryce is standing, sliding around to sit next to me and putting his arm over my shoulders.

I lay my head on his chest, and the tears begin.

“My father didn’t look after my mom. He just left her to the system, and they killed her. I didn’t know…I was away at school. They never told me. She died alone. He just abandoned her!”

Bryce’s head falls backward, and he looks up as the truth behind everything I do and say finally dawns on him. He lets me cry for a bit and motions away the proprietor when he comes to refill our cups.

“Susie…is this what you feel? You feel responsible because your dad didn’t care for your mother? You think it’s your fault she died?”

I nod.

“What did she die from, Susie?”

“Breast cancer,” I whisper.

Bryce nods in acknowledgment. “Where was he while she was sick?”

I shrug. “In one bar and out the other. He didn’t take care of her, and she couldn’t take care of herself. Eventually, the state put her in a nursing home, and he quickly sold the house and left town. The state is still looking for him—they want their share of the money for mom’s care. She died alone, Bryce. I wasn’t even there, because no one told me. It happened so quickly. I think she had known for a very long time and never told anyone, not even me.”

Bryce hugs me against him, throws a twenty-dollar bill on the table, and walks me out of the restaurant and down the street to my apartment. He takes my keys and opens the door, sliding off my coat, and then lifts me in his arms and gently lays me on my bed.

I am no longer crying, but I can’t talk without the tears starting again.

“Shhhh….” Bryce says. “Just lie here and let me hold you. It’s time that you go off duty, cream-puff. Let me carry the world for you for a while, will you do that?”

I give this some thought and I have to admit that I’m exhausted. I really
would
like if I could just enjoy my life and this new relationship. Can I trust him? I think I can.

I nod.

“Good. Now, it’s getting late and you need to sleep. I’m leaving, or you won’t get that sleep,” he chuckles. “I will turn out the lights and lock the door behind me. We will talk about Milly’s situation another time. You rest.”

With that, he pulls off the jeans I am wearing and takes off my t-shirt. He lifts me enough to pull back the covers and then slides me beneath. Bending low, he kisses me tenderly but passionately and cups my cheek in the palm of his hand.

“Goodnight, cream-puff,” he whispers.

I hear him move through the apartment, shutting off lights and checking locks. As the door closes behind him, I steal out from beneath the covers and scamper to the window, parting the drapes in the darkness and watching him disappear down the street to the coffee shop where he had parked. My sadness is wrapped with a longing for his strength, for his arms, and for the reassurance of his voice.

I will trust this man until the day I die.