Heavy Metal (A Badboy Rockstar Romance) (18 page)

As time went on, I fell into a comfortable routine – or was it a rut? 

My days were spent working at the diner or walking the streets in search of my cat.  My nights were spent binge eating in an attempt to push all the old feelings that had resurfaced back down inside me.  In some ways, it felt like nothing had changed. 

Brandon was far, far away and our respective schedules made it difficult to find time to talk.  Sometimes I wondered if all that had been a dream.  What if Brandon wasn’t even real and I had imagined the whole thing?  What if I had been stuck living my mundane, sad little life the entire time and the sexy musician was only a figment of my imagination?

Of course Brandon was real, but oh God, I was so lonely.  I missed him so much it hurt.  Phone calls weren’t enough.  They weren’t nearly enough.  I longed for his touch.

I tried my best to eat my feelings.

I ate like a champ, stuffing myself like I had never stuffed myself before.  It made me feel sick and sluggish, but I didn’t care.  The beast within me had been unleashed, and it was insatiable.  So I filled up the void inside me with pasta, pastries and anything else I could get my hands on.

Everyone at the diner kept staring at me.  In fact, Cesar was pretty much the only person who treated me normally.  I felt like I got a reaction of either pity or disdain from basically everyone who knew me, and I didn’t understand why.

At least Carl had been tolerable.  He had never been one for working at the diner.  In fact, he had never been one for working in general.  He preferred to hire people to do that for him so he could tend to more important matters, like watching porn and getting drunk before noon.  But when he did show up, he wasn’t a jerk to me.  In fact, he mostly ignored me.  It suited me just fine.

In the beginning, I didn’t even really notice I was gaining weight.  I reasoned that if I was, Carl would certainly call it to my attention in the most humiliating and degrading manner possible.  Since he hadn’t uttered a word about it, I assumed all was well and any notions of me being fat were in my head.

Then my clothes stopped fitting.

I bought new ones with some of the money I had saved from tips.

I kept eating. 

It was one of the few joys I had while I waited for my life to get exciting again.

It wasn’t even excitement that I craved, not really.  It was a sense of normalcy, a sense of hope.  It was Brandon.  When I was with him, I felt alive inside, like I was seeing the whole world for the very first time.  It didn’t matter what we were doing – even just hanging out watching bad movies felt every bit as thrilling as riding that roller coaster with him had been.  He made me happy.

Without him, I merely existed, a mess of a girl who couldn’t escape the demons of her ugly past.  I had no desire to be that girl whose joy was dependent on a man, but I couldn’t help the way I felt.  Brandon was my soulmate, the missing piece of the puzzle.  Without him, I felt incomplete, unfinished and unable to function properly.  So I existed, and I waited.  And I ate.

*****

“Are you okay, Hayley?” Cesar asked one weekday afternoon. 

He probably had every reason to ask.  To be honest, I probably looked like a total nutcase.  Instead of doing my job, I was standing in the kitchen examining my reflection in a frying pan, a look of utter despair on my face.  I was probably only seconds away from bursting in tears.

“Sorry,” I mumbled, setting the frying pan down.  I had been caught in the act of checking myself out in horror and I was rather mortified about it.  Thankfully, Cesar wisely – and compassionately – didn’t say a word about it.  Instead, he simply looked at me with an expression of concern on his face.  Maybe in a way that was even worse.

“You can take a break if you want,” he offered.  “I’ve got you covered.”

“No, no, I’m fine,” I insisted, unwilling to admit that I was actually falling apart inside.  “I’ll take these out right now,” I added, moving to grab the orders Cesar had filled. 

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve got them,” he told me.  “But seriously, are you alright Hayley?”

Normally I would never, ever discuss my weight – except maybe with Angie and then only because she was in the same boat as me, overweight and unhappy with her figure.  But Cesar was a kind person and, truth be told, I needed someone to talk to.  So I sighed and said, “I was just thinking I don’t know when I got so fat.”

He smiled sympathetically.  “I hear that happens sometimes after, you know, recovery.  Don’t sweat it, I’m sure you’ll get it all figured out.  And hey, you’re a pretty girl no matter what.  Don’t forget it, okay?”

“Wait...what?”  I looked at Cesar quizzically.  “What did you say about recovery?”

“Oh, am I not supposed to know?” he asked apologetically.  “Sorry.  Forget I said anything.”

Cocking my head to the side, I struggled to figure out what on earth he was talking about.  “Cesar, what exactly is it that you think you know?”

He shrugged.  “Only what Carl told me,” he replied, looking uncomfortable.  “He said you left because you had some substance abuse problems.  He said you...struggled before you got help.  I get it, Hayley,” he added quickly.

“Huh?”

“Carl told me about your mom’s issues with pills and I know addiction can be hereditary sometimes.  I’m not judging you for it or for anything you’ve done, promise.  I’m just happy you went to rehab and got the help you needed.”

Dumbfounded, I stared at Cesar as I let his words sink in.  “I’ve never been to rehab in my life,” I told him.  “And I’ve never had a drug addiction, either.  I’m sure that’s probably what lots of addicts say.  God knows my mother would lie about her addiction if asked.  But I swear to you I’m being completely honest.”

It was Cesar’s turn to look confused.  “I believe you, Hayley,” he assured me.  “But I’m confused.  If it isn’t true, then why would Carl tell us that?”

“Good question,” I replied, equally perturbed.  “And who’s us?” I demanded once I realized what Cesar had said.  “Who else did Carl tell?”

“Uh, everyone, I think,” he said apologetically. 

“You’re kidding me,” I groaned, dismayed but not particularly surprised.

“I’m pretty sure he gave the whole town a heads up – he said it was out of concern for you.  He wanted everyone to understand what was going on with you.  He said you’d refused his help and had gone to the city.  He said you were living on the street, prostituting yourself to get money for drugs.  I thought it was kind of weird at the time that he was airing your dirty laundry like that, but I figured it was a misguided attempt to help.”

“That’s so weird.  And Carl is a liar, by the way.  None of that happened!” I exclaimed vehemently as I began to understand why pretty much everyone in town had been giving me strange looks. 

Was Carl really so pathetic that he’d set out to ruin my reputation, deliberately humiliating me in the town I’d once called home?  Actually, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised.  Carl managed to sink to new lows on a pretty regular basis.

“I believe you, Hayley,” Cesar assured me.  “If you say it’s not true, then it’s not true.  I’ve worked here long enough to know that Carl shouldn’t be trusted any further than he can be thrown.  But,” he added with a grin, “I think that might be changing.  I’ve been job hunting.”

“Oh you have?  There’s sure not much work here in town right now, is there?” I commented.

“What do you mean?  I applied at half a dozen different places and they all offered me jobs,” Cesar told me.  Then, suddenly, his face fell.  “Oh.  Shit.  I just remembered, one of the guys who interviewed me offhandedly mentioned the only other applicant had been a drug addict.”

I slapped my palm to my forehead.  “Carl spread that rumor about me all over town so no one would be willing to hire me!” I exclaimed.  “He did it to make sure I had no other option but to work for him!”  I was indignant but not totally shocked.  It was classic Carl.

Cesar scowled, obviously angry on my behalf.  “You know, I wouldn’t put it past him.  In fact, I wouldn’t put
anything
past him.  He really is a piece of work, Hayley.”

“You’re telling me,” I muttered, seething.  “When I see him I’m going to rip him a new one.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Cesar asked sensibly.  “I mean, I can for sure understand why you would want to!  But this Friday is payday, and you know Carl has a reputation for unfairly docking pay anytime he has an issue with an employee.  Maybe it would be smarter to wait to call him out on his lies?  Get all your ducks in a row first, and then shoot?”

I sighed.  “As much as I hate to admit it, you’re probably right.”

“I should take this food out before it gets cold,” Cesar said, nodding to the plates on the counter.  “Are you sure you’re alright, Hayley?”

Numbly, I nodded.  “I will be,” I assured him. 

But as I stood there in the kitchen alone, I wondered if I truly was alright.  Brandon was too far away to offer the kind of companionship I craved with every fiber of my being.  Cesar was a work acquaintance, but not really someone I had ever confided in.  Angie was busy being a new mom.  Carl had driven a wedge between me and everyone else in my life, so there was no one else to call on.

Feeling abandoned, angry and sad, I tried my best to go about my work.  As I served customers, wiped down tables and cleared dirty plates, I daydreamed about a life far away from there.  I let my mind wander to a place where there was a cottage with pink shutters...a house I could actually call home.  There, Brandon would be by my side and we would live a quiet, happy little life filled with love, laughter and joy.

But it was only a dream.  So when my shift ended, I tried my damnedest to stuff the void inside me with chocolate cake and strawberry tarts.

When the phone rang, I lunged for it.  I managed to knock my drink onto the floor in the process, but I didn’t care.  All I cared about was getting to talk to Brandon.  I had been counting down the minutes until he called.  I had been planning my entire day around it.

“Hello?” I said, sounding overly eager as I clutched the phone so hard my knuckles turned white.

“Hey!” Brandon’s husky voice greeted me. 

Immediately, I felt myself tear up.  He sounded so close and yet he was so far away.  He was an entire ocean away, in fact.  But we still had the phone.  It wasn’t as satisfying as being in his arms, of course, but it was something.  These days, it was everything.

“How’s my girl?” he asked.

I brightened at his words, relishing in the idea of being his.  “I’m much better now that I’m talking to you!” I chirped.  Then I lowered my voice and tried my best to make it all seductive and lustful.  “I’ve been thinking about you.”

“I’ve been thinking about you too, believe me.  Hayley, I have great news!”

“What is it?”

“Well, maybe great was an overstatement.  It’s not so great for Mike, but it’s pretty damn great for me,” Brandon babbled, sounding the happiest he’d been since our relationship had been reduced to middle of the night phone calls. 

“What’s the good news?” I asked again, fully prepared to celebrate with him.  I didn’t even care what the news was – as long as Brandon was happy, so was I.  In fact, I already had a smile on my face.  Or at least I did until he spoke next.

“Mike has bronchitis.”

“That’s your good news?” I asked, confused.

“Yes, because we’ve had to cancel the rest of our tour dates!” Brandon explained.  “Mike is fine by the way...he’s enjoying all the attention from his girlfriend.  But canceling the rest of the tour means I’m coming home a whole six weeks early, Hayley!  I fly in tomorrow night – I guess it will be tomorrow afternoon for you.  I can’t wait to see you!”

My heart felt like it had dropped out of my stomach.  Brandon was flying back to the United States tomorrow?  He was going to see me tomorrow?  He couldn’t!  I was supposed to have six more weeks to pull a rabbit out of my hat and somehow lose a big chunk of the weight I had packed on during our time apart.

Now there was no time.

How would Brandon react when he saw me?  I wasn’t thin anymore – far from it.  In fact, I had packed on a startling amount of weight in a very short time.

“Hayley, are you still there?”

Swallowing hard, I tried to speak but could only manage a pitiful croak. 

“Hello?”

“I – I’m in shock,” I managed to sputter.

Brandon laughed happily.  “I have to go Hayley, but I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.”

That’s what he thought, but if he knew what awaited him he might feel very differently.

I stood up and looked at my reflection in the mirror, hating what I saw.  My face was swollen and puffy and my skin had the sickly greyish pallor it took on when I binged on all the wrong foods.  None of my clothes fit properly and I felt sluggish, like all my energy had been stolen.

How much weight had I gained while Brandon and I were apart? 

I wasn’t sure because I hadn’t dared face the scale, but I knew it was a lot.  I must have destroyed my metabolism with my drastic crash diet, because once I had reverted to my old eating habits I had started packing on the pounds almost immediately.  It seemed like I was blowing up at an alarming rate, my ankles swollen and my belly protruding. 

How would I explain my appearance to Brandon?

How would he react when he saw me?  Oh God, the thought was almost too much to bear.

I wanted to cry. 

I was completely crazy about Brandon, and he had made it very clear that he felt the same way about me.  But I knew he wouldn’t be attracted to me anymore...not after he saw what I had done to myself.  If he laid eyes on me tomorrow, I was afraid he would take one look and break up with me.  Worse yet, he wouldn’t say a word but would secretly be disappointed and disgusted.

What had I done to myself?  What had I been thinking?  Brandon was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I was about to throw our relationship away for what, donuts and pizza?  Late night runs to fast food joints?  I was so ashamed of myself.

Slumping to the floor, I buried my head in my hands and started to sob.  What was I going to do?  I couldn’t let Brandon see me tomorrow.  I just couldn’t!  Frantically, I began to wrack my brain, trying to come up with a way out.