Hearts in Harmony (17 page)

But Adrian wouldn't have known that.

“I can't believe you took that kind of risk.” Her voice dropped to a hoarse whisper. “…for me.”

“Jesus calls on us to lay down our lives for our friends. Not that I was anywhere close to laying down my life. But I couldn't let this continue to happen, because I was worried that Zac might lose it again, and the next time, what if you didn't get away? I couldn't live with that.”

Celeste's heart pounded, waiting for Adrian to expound on his reasoning…that there was no greater love than for someone to lay down his life for his friends, for her…because he loved her.

But he didn't.

It only made sense. The more she came to know Adrian, the more she saw how self-sacrificing he was, and how much he would give of himself for other people. His selflessness was one of the reasons she loved him so much.

He was such a good, godly person.

And she was…not.

She knew that she wasn't worthy of him, of anything he did for her, especially this latest risk. It was for the best that he didn't love her. It was wrong for someone with a history like hers to fall in love with someone who had probably never done a bad thing in his life.

She shuffled back a step. “You know, I'm not hungry after all. I think I'll go back to the office. I'm kind of behind in my work. I think I'm going to have to stay late and finish up a bunch of things. In fact, I don't think I'll be able to go to the library tonight, even though it's Friday.”

“Well…. What about tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday.”

“I don't know what I'm doing. I guess I'll see you Sunday, then?”

Adrian rammed his hands into his pockets and nodded. “I guess.”

Celeste waited for him to say more, but he didn't. In a way, it was a relief.

What he had done only served to widen the gap between them. Now, more than ever, she didn't know what he could possibly see in someone like her, someone who had never done a good thing for anyone in her whole entire life.

If she had any doubts before, she was sure now that the hopes and dreams she had for a future with Adrian were exactly that—dreams. Reality had landed with a harsh thump. She didn't have it in her to be the kind of person Adrian needed to spend the rest of his life with. She was only fooling herself to think it could be any other way.

If Celeste had any doubts before, she was sure now. Adrian's valiant work to rid her of Zac's menace had only
proved one thing. They were too different to have any kind of future together. Whatever she hoped to have happen between them, it was over.

C
eleste played an arpeggio, slowing as she reached the high end of the keyboard, then let the resonance of the chord fade away. On cue, all in unison, Adrian strummed one final gentle chord, Paul played one solid but soft low E, and Bob tapped the high-hat cymbal gently, to end the worship time.

They all stepped back from the microphones, but did not leave the stage. Today, Pastor Ron had instructed them to stay at the front. A guest from the ministry board had brought a slide show about overseas missions for the congregation to see. As the presentation ended, he wanted the worship team to play softly while their guest led everyone in prayer, and took up a collection. Then Pastor Ron would continue on with the weekly service.

Randy wasn't able to put the audio clip through the monitors, and they couldn't see the view screen from the stage. However, they had to stay up front because they had to be ready and watch the speaker for the cue to start playing again.

When the lights dimmed, instead of standing center-front on the stage, Celeste tiptoed to the side to wait. Adrian joined her a few seconds later, but Bob and Paul shuffled to the rear, beside the drums, where they leaned against the back wall and started to talk softly.

Not more than a minute passed, and Adrian leaned toward her to whisper in her ear. “You didn't call me yesterday.”

Celeste bit her bottom lip. It wasn't that she didn't want to call him. She wanted to be with him more than words could say. After what he did with Zac, she loved him more than ever. However, she could no longer hang on to hopeless possibilities. She'd avoided admitting the inevitable truth for too long, and it was her own fault.

She had no future to share with Adrian. He deserved someone with a background similar to his own, not someone like her. It was because of her that he'd gone to a bar, something he'd never done in his entire life. He'd gone because of her, so it was her fault that Adrian had been tainted once again. He'd only been trying to do a good deed, but because of her, he'd been exposed to something he shouldn't have.

She didn't even want to think of how she'd tempted him physically. She'd done more than simply kiss him, and being selfish, she didn't think of the effect it would have on him until it was too late and she hadn't wanted to stop. Adrian, however, maintained control, and came through victorious, no thanks to her.

“I was busy. I still had a lot of stuff to go through.”

“I understand.” Adrian looked up at the wall, squinted in the dark, then lifted his wrist and checked his watch. “Pastor Ron said this would take approximately six minutes. That doesn't give me much time, but I want to say
this to you now. I have a feeling you're going to run off after the service, and not go out for lunch with the rest of us.”

“Well…I…”

“That's what I thought. I wanted to tell you that I sat down with Pastor Ron yesterday and had a good, long talk with him. He helped me sort something out that's been bothering me, and I think you know what it is.”

Celeste held her breath. She did know. It was the same thing she'd been fighting herself over. Again, she was a coward. Adrian was going to be the one to say it first. It served her right, but it was better for Adrian this way, that he be the one to tell her it wasn't going to work.

Adrian picked up her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Her eyes began to burn. Even in breaking up with her, he was going to do it gently.

He leaned down, closer, but not close enough to raise anyone's attention if they weren't watching the slide show as closely as they should have been.

“I don't know if I've ever talked to Pastor Ron like that. He actually surprised me. Instead of just listening, he really set me straight. I told him what I was struggling with, and of course he knew who I was talking about. He reminded me that whatever you've done, and no matter how wrong it was, that as long as you've asked God for forgiveness, and you're doing your best to listen to Him and follow His guidance and will for your life now, then you're forgiven. And if God has forgiven you, then I have no right to hold it against you. I'm so sorry, Celeste. I didn't mean to hurt you. I hope you'll let me try to make it up to you.”

Celeste had to force herself to breathe. “Wait.
You're
apologizing to
me?
”

Adrian gave a short, very humorless laugh. “Yeah. Pastor Ron told me I was being judgmental, even self-righteous, and it really hit me between the eyes. He was right. It's not up to me to judge. That's God's job, not mine. I knew that, of course, but it didn't seem to sink in until Pastor Ron said it. Since you've accepted Christ's sacrifice for your sins, they're gone. God isn't going to judge you. So how can I?”

“But I've done so many bad things.”

Adrian gave her hand another gentle squeeze. “All of which have been washed away. It's me that keeps bringing them back, and I have to deal with it. But God forgave you, so, as Pastor Ron so bluntly asked me, who am I to supercede God? I'm so sorry.”

“I…”

Paul's whispered voice broke into her thoughts, which were so mixed up she couldn't put two words together anyway.

“Psssttt…. Celeste. Adrian. Come on.”

Celeste suddenly realized that Paul and Bob had already taken their places. Celeste and Adrian quickly resumed their positions and watched for the signal to start playing.

The guest speaker's voice droned on while they played in the background, but Celeste couldn't listen to his words. Instead Adrian's apology repeated over and over in her head, to music, while she tried to make sense of it.

She played numbly until it was time to stop, and they all took their seats.

Celeste really tried to pay attention to Pastor Ron's sermon, which according to the notes on the back of the bul
letin, was about Moses obeying God, even though Moses didn't think he was the right man for the job.

Moses, who had committed murder, then had run away from all he knew to hide, yet later had become one of the greatest men of God in history.

Celeste's hands began to shake. God had forgiven Moses. Then He had used Moses greatly.

She wasn't Moses. She was a nobody. Less than a nobody.

But she was God's child, just like Moses.

God forgave Moses. And through the blood of Jesus, He forgave her, too.

Just as she had said she would, when the service was over, Celeste went home, but she didn't finish the last of the cleanup.

Instead, she sat in the corner of her living room, and closed her eyes. This time, instead of begging God for guidance, she just sat there and prayed, and listened.

Like the new creation God told her she was.

 

Celeste pushed the door open and waited for her mother to pass through.

“It's been years since I've been to the library,” her mother mumbled. “Why are we coming here, on my first day home?”

“I'm really sorry, I didn't get your e-mail that you were going to be home today. I've had, uh, problems with my computer recently. I have some books that I didn't get returned on the weekend, and now they're overdue. The library closes at six o'clock, so we have to do this before dinner. It won't take long. I hate paying a late fee.”

She couldn't believe how much she resented paying the late fee. Not only had Adrian's late-fee obsession rubbed
off on her, but he'd also pointed out that when she was late returning a book, that meant that if someone had it reserved after her, they would have to wait even longer to read something she had enjoyed. Since she'd met Adrian, she'd never been late returning a book.

Until now.

Celeste's mother walked past her, through the door and into the lobby. Going to the library with Adrian on Friday night had become a major part of her life. She'd missed two Fridays in a row, and she couldn't believe the void. It wasn't necessarily their long-established routine that she missed. She missed Adrian. Both times, the reason they hadn't gone was because she had been afraid to face him, to hear what she didn't want him to say.

Automatically, she glanced toward the table where they usually sat. Someone else was there, and she almost wanted to ask them to leave, except that it was a public location, open for anyone to use. As well, today was Monday.

The door swooshed closed behind her. The quiet library loomed ahead.

She took care of the fines with the librarian at the desk, then turned around to tell her mother that she was going to take just a minute to pick up something new, but her words caught in her throat.

Instead of seeing her mother browsing at the shelf of new releases, she saw Adrian.

All she could do was stare. Below the hemline of his overcoat she saw tailored slacks that were part of a suit, and leather shoes, meaning that he was on his way home from work.

He reached up to straighten his glasses, then leaned closer to look at something in smaller print on the top shelf.

Even in profile, he looked dashing.

He hadn't called her to ask if she wanted to go to the library with him, but in reality, going to the library wasn't a special event. The only thing that made it special was being together.

After the evening service, she had promised that she would call him when she was ready to talk, and she hadn't.

She continued to watch him. He pulled out a new book he'd been anxious to read. It was a mystery-romance they'd both wanted, and they'd playfully argued about who would get to read it first.

For a few seconds he read the back cover, then opened the book and read the first paragraph. Instead of tucking the book under his arm as he usually did when he picked up something that promised to be a good read, he sighed and in slow motion he pushed it back onto the shelf.

She wanted to talk to him, but she was too afraid. Yesterday, he'd apologized, but he hadn't said anything more. He hadn't said he still wanted her, either in friendship or in any other way. Despite his apology, she knew he was still dealing with how he felt about the way she'd lived before.

As if he felt her eyes on him, he turned his head.

Celeste stiffened.

Their eyes met. Celeste had to force herself to breathe.

“Hi,” Celeste mumbled.

“Hi,” he muttered, not smiling.

Celeste sucked in a deep breath and stepped closer.

He glanced to the next aisle. “Can we talk?”

No, she thought. She'd spent hours and hours in prayer
since they last talked. After all this time, she'd finally come to terms with the full forgiveness of God. After a tremendous burst of energy, she'd cleaned up every last remnant of Zac's existence in her life, and she was truly ready for a brand-new start. She'd fallen asleep Sunday night in a state of joy and relief such as she'd never known. God had picked her up out of the pit of darkness, and through the sacrifice of Jesus, He'd washed away the blame for everything bad and evil that she'd ever done. She finally could accept that, in every way, fully. She truly was a new creation in God's sight.

But then had come Monday.

She'd had problems at work all day.

When she arrived home, she found her long-overdue car parked in her driveway, and her mother on her doorstep.

When she'd stepped inside her living room, she'd found the note she'd written for herself to return her overdue books.

And now, here was Adrian, at the library. She knew God had truly forgiven her for everything, but as far as Adrian was concerned, she wasn't sure she was quite ready to deal with how he felt. Even though her past was forgiven and she could now put it behind her, it was washed, but not erased. Her past had made her the way she was, and both good and bad, it would still shape her future.

She didn't want to hear that even though he didn't hold it against her, Adrian couldn't live with it, but his past shaped his future, too. He'd only lived a good, Christian life, and she hadn't.

But she needed to put everything of her past behind her. To let it linger would only make it worse. If that meant in
cluding what she had shared with Adrian, then that was the way it had to be.

“Yes,” she said, “you're right. We should talk. But I can't be long. My mother's here somewhere, and she's waiting for me.”

He looked up and over her shoulder and scanned the lobby behind her, but didn't comment.

When his eyes again met hers, Celeste nearly forgot to breathe.

God had pulled her out of the pit, and when she broke free to start living the way God wanted her to, the first person He put in her path was Adrian. Adrian had become the best friend she'd ever had. He picked her up when she was weak, he made her laugh when she was sad and protected her when she needed help. She liked to think she did something good for him, even if it was only to shake up his neat and tidy world and make his life more interesting. They had their differences, and he wasn't perfect, but he was perfect for her. She couldn't help but love him.

But could he really love her?

Adrian shuffled his feet, something very unusual for him. He glanced from side to side, then jerked his head toward the first aisle. “Can we move to someplace a little more private than this?”

Celeste peeked over her shoulder to confirm that her mother wasn't behind her somewhere, then followed Adrian to the first aisle, which was currently free of other people.

Adrian cleared his throat. “I need to know if you're ready to stop avoiding me and tell me what's really bothering you.”

A million thoughts cascaded through her mind. She
needed to know if he saw her the way she used to be, or the way she was now. She needed to know if it mattered to him what people would think of her, what would happen when she saw people she used to know, or people who had seen her on stage. Did it matter to him that she had nothing—no career, no marketable skills, no nest egg and no friends except her new ones.