Heartless (28 page)

He released my taut nipples, lifted up on his arms so that he could see my face. Did he see the deep desire in my half-lidded eyes? Did he feel me vibrating beneath him? I was quivering and ready to wrap my legs around his waist and guide him into me. His eyes were questioning, but he must have seen the answer in my look of dazed passion. Yes, yes, I said with my eyes. Yes. Now.

He opened a condom he had pulled from the pocket of his shorts. After slipping it over his length, he lowered himself so that his chest rested against my chest. Then he lifted his hips back and up so that he could angle into me, between my soft thighs, my softer folds, into the dark heat at my center. He was there, the head of his cock nudging, parting me…

I felt a tiny wave of the fear. A tiny pinch, a small pain. The pressure of him parting his way into me. I told myself to relax. Beach girl concurred.
You know how to do this
, she purrs in my inner ear.
You know how to let him in. He’s already living inside you as spirit and feeling. Now let his body enter. Give yourself to him completely.

Beach girl disappeared after that and it was just me… And Josh, and he moved slowly, incrementally, until my back arched with a body-beg for more. And more, and more. It hurt just a little. It hurt the way I needed it to, so that I knew that it was real, and it was now, and it was him and it was me and he was pushing my last boundary so that we could truly, physically be together, as close as it was possible on this Earth and in these bodies.

He kept sliding, pushing, going even deeper than I thought I was and I clung to him, buried my fingers in his back, pressed my mouth into his shoulder and then his cheek, and then his lips found mine and his tongue filled my mouth as his cock filled my pussy and I felt more whole than whole. I felt replete; I felt divine.

Josh

She is velvet, she is silk, she is warm milk and honey! My inner world explodes into some other realm. With my dick as the key, I open the lock on her heart and break down the doors that hold back her passion. I move slowly, as hard as that is, because I want to be gentle, and I want to savor every second, every millimetre of her sweet, hot pussy, but I also want to drive in, to thrust and buck and possess her thoroughly. I ride this balance as if I’m surfing a wave, a part of the sky and the sea but dependent on this act of balance. As if I’m speeding along the highway, the wheels on my bike spinning such a friction as to make me feel as if I’m flying above the Earth. Heather clings to me, and maybe I am flying and she’s holding on, letting me carry her to this remote landscape of our union. Oh, God, yes. My dick is on fire. The velvet skin of her pussy is soothing and electrifying at the same time. I pull out, slide in, with a gentle rhythm, working her up to her threshold. Can she come this way? Will she? I thought she was going to with my mouth on her but she pulled me up. She wanted to wait, I think. But can I? It’s taking all my nerve not to drive into her fast and furious. Her fingers dig into the skin of my back, her mouth sucks my shoulder. I have to taste that mouth again. I want to fuck her mouth with my tongue the way my dick is fucking her pussy. I’m torn between making love to this angel and fucking her like the devil. She’s open and trusting in my arms. She’d let me do anything right now. I feel her body vibrating and spasming under me. She can’t get enough and that turns me on like nothing else. My mouth finds hers and I drive my tongue deep, probe and explore and thrust. I let my hips find their natural rhythm. I speed up, I can’t help it. I’m riding but I’m being ridden, too. And my dick is fucking on fire and I need to drive it home to its release. But Heather, Heather, where is she?… Her hands have moved to my ass and she’s pulling and pushing, forcing her own rhythm. I find it, match it with my deep thrusts. She sighs into my mouth between little pants and gasps. She writhes and shudders. She calls my name. A sigh, a gasp a whimper, and now she’s trembling beneath me, slowing down, holding on, but less desperately. She’s so slippery now. I slide in and out effortlessly. I am bathed in wet silk. I thrust faster and faster, tensing as my speed builds until I reach full throttle, pause at the wave’s crest, hold my breath, and then let go, allowing everything to burst through me and flow out in a rush of sweet relief. Sweet slippery satiation.

Heather

After, I laid limp as the wilted rose petals stuck to my skin. My breathing evened out and I felt a calm, sweet warmth surround me. Josh held me against his chest, his fingers lightly stroking my back.

“You are divine,” he whispered.

That’s exactly how I felt. Otherworldly and ethereal, above the clouds, beyond the possibility of pain or sadness. I felt cleansed and completely new. I listened for beach-girl to say I told you so, but our storm of passion had drowned her out.

“This is the best birthday ever,” I murmured into Josh’s chest.

“Is it really?”

I nodded against his chest now, and as my lips rubbed along his skin, I moistened them with my tongue and kissed him from one nipple to the other. Then I rested my chin on his chest and looked across the slope of his chest up to his face. My heart felt as wide as the sky.

“I love you, Josh.”

I saw his eyes close and felt his whole body soften. He held his breath for a second.

“Josh?”

He opened his eyes and looked at me with such tenderness. His eyes glistened, as if they were wet.

“That’s all I ever wanted to hear,” he said, and his voice sounded kind of choked up. “It’s all I ever want to hear
from now on
.”

I propped up on one elbow and looked deep into his eyes. Smiling, I said. “I love you, Josh. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you,” and I kept on going as I crawled up to lay my head on the pillow next to him.

He was grinning from ear to ear. “You really mean it?”

“Truly, I do.” I winked at him. His smile was infectious and I was soon grinning like a fool, too.

He turned over onto his side and propped his head up with his hand and his elbow.

“I love you, too, Heather.” But his smile had disappeared and he looked so serious now. “I love you more than anything in the world,” he said. “More than
anything
. Do you understand?”

Why was he so serious now? I nodded. “Okay. I love you, too. More than anything, too.”

He closed his eyes for a brief moment and then he let out a deep breath. “I just want you to know that. No matter what. I love you no matter what happens, or what
has
happened.”

I propped myself up on my elbow and looked at him. “What are you talking about? Why are you acting weird?”

“Am I?” He furrowed his brow and then, quickly, he smiled again. For a moment he looked like his relaxed sexy self, the gorgeous man I had just given my whole heart and body to. But my body didn’t feel so relaxed anymore. I sensed something odd, only I couldn’t sort out what it could be. Right now, everything seemed perfect.

He cupped my cheek in his hand and kept looking at me. “You are so beautiful,” he said. “I bet you were a cute kid.”

“Um, I don’t know. I don’t have any baby pictures.”

Not that they hadn't once existed. It’s just that I’d left everything in Wisconsin, and when the house sold, I’m sure all that personal stuff ended up in a landfill somewhere. I certainly didn’t have any baby pictures to share with Josh, and for the tiniest second, I felt some regret. But then I caught myself. I didn’t want to be thinking about my old life and baby pictures. I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest.

“You’ll just have love me like this. Without pictures.” I tried to say this lightly.

He was still smiling as he sat up with me. He put his arm around me.

“That’s okay. I have a few of me. I’ll show them to you one day.” I shrugged in his arms. I had no reason to reject Josh’s past, but walking away from mine had some kind of effect of taking everyone else’s pasts off the map, too. But I didn’t want to do that. I bet his mom, Geena, had some really cute photos stashed somewhere.

“Hey,” said Josh nudging me. “I haven’t given you your birthday present yet.”

“You sure have,” I said. “This place. Everything you just did…” To me and for me, I thought.

He jumped out of bed. My breath caught as I watched him stride around the bed naked. He was so crazy-sexy-handsome with his semi-hard cock bouncing against his thighs I swear I started drooling in a very stalkerish kind of way.

He unzipped his bag and stared into it.

“You actually got me a
present
on top of everything else?” I said, beginning to feel a little excited about another surprise. What would he have gotten me?

He reached into his bag but then seemed to hesitate.

“Josh? What is it?”

When he turned around I saw he held two things: a long gift-wrapped box and a thick manila envelope. I pulled the sheet up around me—without Josh right next to me I was beginning to cool off.

He sat down on my side of the bed and faced me. He was still naked and he looked so natural and beautiful and trusting and so… so
mine
.

Looking a bit anxious, he put both items in front of me.

I had no idea what was in the gift box—it was heavy—but I was even more intrigued by the envelope, which seemed oddly business-like and out of place here, at this time, between the two of us.

Josh reached for my hand. “Before you open anything, remember what I said about loving you no matter what. And you love me the same way, right?”

“Of course.”

“I still believe Fate brought us together, Heather.”

“Stars,” I said, deciding in that moment to save the pretty gift-wrapped box for my second surprise. I opened the envelope, which wasn’t actually sealed. It was full of papers. I dumped them out of the bed.

And then I froze.

Pastor Guthrie charged with
…
Entire families burned
…
Survivors distraught
…
Community in Shock
….

Black and white images swam before me. Photographs, police reports, doctors’ test results, and obituaries nestled against our sex-scented sheets. The papers slid and shifted into position but I remained paralyzed, holding the upturned envelope above all my secrets. Only my eyes moved. They widened, dilated, and my peripheral vision fanned into a blur while my pupils honed in on Josh’s eyes, and my look cried out ‘why?’, and then ‘no!’ Then my emotions went blank and I heard Josh speaking but my ears seemed dead. His words were jumbled sounds in my brain.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s over now. I love you.”

I felt something on my cheeks. Tears. Josh’s hand reached for my wrist, took the envelope from my fingers.

“I know now,” he said. “It’s okay. I knew I’d seen you before. Your eyes. Those haunted eyes stared up at me from the paper after the fire.”

Was the bed shaking or was it me? I heard my own voice now.

“No,” I said in a quivery voice. “This wasn’t supposed to happen.” I shook my head side to side. “This wasn’t supposed to happen, Josh.”

He held both my hands.

“Look at me, Heather.
Look
at me. Yes, it
was
supposed to happen.”

My mind was racing some of the time and then clouding up into a blur. In a racing moment, I realized something that shocked me. “You went through my trash?” I felt angry now. Betrayed.

Josh shook his head. “It was an accident. I was cleaning up after the job. But that part doesn’t matter. It’s the truth, Heather. You don’t have to run from the truth anymore.”

My legs were twitching as if I really did want to run. All of my muscles were tensed and ready to flee.

“
Look
at me, Heather.”

I did.

“I
love
you. Can you see that?”

I blinked. Yes. I could. I could see that he loved me in spite of the horrible facts strewn around us. “None of this matters because I love you,” he said. “Do you understand? Our love is
stronger
than this.”

I nodded. “Yes.” My tears were streaming and I was still trembling but I felt Josh’s love for me, and I felt my love for him. I kept nodding.

“We’re strong enough for this, right?”