Heartfelt (11 page)

Tangled in a web of her churning thoughts and needs, she was slow to answer. More than ever she wanted to be with someone who loved her and would care for her in this moment of not knowing if she would ever see her mother again.

“Surprise me.” Her voice came out flat to her own ears, but she didn’t have to mask anything for Conrad.

“I’d say your place or mine.”

“That was a surprise.” Was he making a suggestion about intimacy?

“I don’t know about you but a shower is the next thing on my agenda.” He wriggled and made a face. “I can feel bugs crawling in all kinds of places. So, I suggest we go to your place or mine and clean up ASAP. Then we talk.”

“My place is closer,” she said.

“Your place it is.”

“Ahh … that’s better.” Conrad walked into the living room and found Asia around the corner in the kitchen. “Thanks for loaning me a shower and towel.” Dressed in jeans and a white T-shirt that clung pleasantly to her body, Asia seemed oblivious to his acute awareness of her. That was good. He could go into his head and attempt to find out why he’d been reacting to her in this new way. Figuring things out was his thing.

Instead, he just let the sensations of pleasure live in his body while he headed to the living room.

“You’re welcome.” She walked into the living room carrying two mugs of fresh coffee. She handed one to Conrad and set the other one on the end table for herself. “There’s more.”

He eased onto the couch and grinned. “I smell bacon. A woman after my own heart.”

Asia set a plate of bacon strips and toast on the end table and plopped into the upholstered chair next to the couch. An early morning sunrise painted the sky outside the window with wisps of pinks and blues. Though it had been less than an hour since he and Asia were in the darkness of the downtown, it seemed like much longer.

“That was quite an experience this morning.” He grabbed a piece of toast. “Humans. They do the darnedest things. Were-cats would never—”

“Stop right there. Don’t presume to know what those humans have been through or that simply poor choices brought them to that low spot.”

He held up his hands. “Okay, you’re right. But I have observed plenty of human behavior. It seems to me that as a general rule, they don’t manage their lives very well. They don’t plan well, they mistreat one another, and they don’t learn from their mistakes.”

“As opposed to were-cats, who have everything under control? Is that what you’re suggesting?”

He knew she would never admit that his observations of human behavior were spot on. It was a point they’d always differed on. Asia was a bleeding heart and he was, well, not.

“I’m sorry I offended you. Forgive me?”

Asia sighed. “Yes. But this discussion isn’t over yet.”

“Oh, I know.” He watched outside as the sun spread more light into the morning. Birds twitted and the sounds of cars on the nearby street meant the day had officially begun. He glanced into Asia’s face and caught her staring at him. “What?”

“I was thinking about how helpful you were this morning. You treated Candy with genuine kindness. It made her trust us and I got the information I wanted. Thank you.” She reached out to him and patted his leg.

Her touch sent lightning up and down his body. He cleared his throat. “I told you I’d be there for you. And she seemed decent. Not completely mental.”

“You can try to fool me but I know you too well. You were touched by her situation as much as I was.”

Had he been moved? By a human? He swirled the idea around in his head, testing it out. “She was useful.”

Asia grabbed a couch pillow and threw it in his face. “Liar.”

“Shouldn’t we be discussing what we learned?”

She dropped a heavy sigh. “Yes, you’re right. We probably should let Casey know. My main concern, though, is finding my mom. Besides, Michelle promised to tell Casey about what we’d learned. I’m surprised he hasn’t called a meeting yet.”

“Kennedy and I did some research yesterday afternoon that we need to discuss with the colony.”

Asia perked up, her eyes intensifying her gaze on him. “What did you find out? I can’t believe you haven’t said something already.”

He ran his fingers through his hair. “Why haven’t I? Oh, that’s right. You were on a date with Gavin.” Jealousy grumbled around in his stomach, but he quickly tamped it down. He rubbed his hands over his eyes.
Jealousy
? The idea stuttered in his brain.
Oh my God
. It was an emotion he hadn’t felt before, especially not with Asia.

He studied her, hoping she didn’t suspect anything amiss. She stared at the floor and twisted a lock of her hair.

“Yes. I was on a date with Gavin.” She directed her dark eyes to him and he caught his breath. He saw so much pain in her eyes, but he kept quiet. “I don’t understand why you have a problem with him.”

“I don’t want you to get hurt. I mean that, Asia. You’re my best friend. When you hurt, I hurt.”

She straightened her back and faced him directly. “So, it’s about you.”

He shook his head. “No, that didn’t come our right. I meant, your pain is my pain. I want you to be happy.”

“Again, you’re thinking only of yourself. She stood up tall in front him, her eyes like daggers aimed at his face. “If you truly cared about me, as you say you do, you would support my dreams. Me being happy with a human, having a normal life, that is what would bring you happiness, not me dropping my dreams and settling for a life I don’t want.”

Conrad stretched his legs and stood tall above her. The pain in her voice and on her face plucked at his agonized heart. But her assertion was all wrong, and it was starting to make his blood boil. “You don’t get it. I know being a were-lynx has its challenges. Belonging to Casey’s colony has brought us all into the crosshairs of truly evil people. But to me, it’s all nothing compared to what I experience as a were-lynx.”

“Oh really?” She spit out the words as though she hated him. “If you’re so happy as a were-lynx, why do you date, no, bed human women? If you’re so complete as a were-lynx, why do you seek human companionship and then drop them as soon as they attempt to get close to you?”

She stood under his chin, her face, full of emotion, tilted up close to his. Heat emanated from her body. Her eyes blazed.

“I’m a mess. I admit it. We both have issues. You’re trying to make up for a past you should never have had. Gavin will never understand you as a lover should. He won’t make up for the terrible things that happened to you.”

“Oh you say so!”

“I do.”

Her face still inches from his, Asia didn’t back down. “You think you know so much.”

The strain pulling at his heart made it hard for him to hold his stance. “No. No, I don’t, Asia. But what I do know is you deserve a life in which you can be direct and forthright with your love. He should be someone you can tell everything and share everything with.”

“You think I can’t have that with a human male?”

“Have you told Gavin you’re a were-lynx? Do you have plans to tell him?”

“I don’t have to. I can make it work without him knowing.”

“No. You would be squelching your true self. And, Asia, you are amazing. You need to be you, no holding back.”

Her eyes softened and her shoulders went slack. Tears began tripping down her cheeks.

“What is this? I’m sorry … I’m just trying to save you from heartache.”
Geez, what I rat I am
.
I’ve made her cry.

“Don’t be sorry. I’m just a little sad. Gavin dumped me.”

“Oh, honey.” He pulled her close and kissed the top of her head, just as he often had over the years of their friendship. But this time his heart faltered. He had been jealous of Gavin. He was in love with Asia.

Tentatively, he kissed one tear away, then another. He couldn’t help himself. But he had to stop. She didn’t want this kind of stuff from him. He was ruining everything.

His hands firmly grasping her upper arms, Conrad shoved her apart from their embrace. “I’m so sorry. Gavin should be whipped a thousand times. He’s a fool to let you go.”

She slanted her head and stared. Her lips parted. Apparently she was speechless. He shifted on his feet, wishing the awkward moment could be retracted.

Then she smiled. “Well, maybe only a few lashes of a whip.”

She rested her head against his chest, not knowing the agony she brought to him. How could this be? He loved her. And there was nothing to be done about it.

She pulled back and walked to the kitchen. “Want a warm up of your coffee?”

“Yeah, sure, if you’ve got enough.” He paced the floor while she was in the next room. The awareness of his feeling for her washed over him and saturated his every cell. Everything about her now teased his senses like some exotic dance. He had to stop this, but he didn’t want to. Not one bit.

“Here you go.” She handed Conrad his coffee and they both sat back down in their respective seats. Silence stretched between them.

“You know, you’re right. You should do whatever you feel is right for you. I just don’t agree that a human will be a good match.”

She dropped her gaze. “Why is everything so complicated? I tried with Gavin; it just didn’t work. I didn’t feel any connection. No spark. I liked him and I wanted it to work, but that wasn’t enough. He felt it, too. The lack of spark. I don’t blame him for ditching me.” She sniffed, and Conrad knew she was going for a stiff upper lip. “I thought I was done with all the inner work. I thought I just needed a change now. But if you’re right, then I am looking at the whole life thing in the wrong way.”

He sipped his coffee and let her talk.

“Thanks for being there for me, even though you don’t see things my way.” Her eyes got distant and she sat quietly for more minutes than was comfortable.

He fingered the grain of the fabric that covered his chair and watched her process the breakup. The way her mind worked fascinated him. He’d always appreciated it but in this moment she seemed so precious, so vulnerable.

“You’ve always been there for me, Conrad.” She focused bright and glistening eyes on him. “Remember how you used to sneak out extra food for me and my mom from the soup kitchen you worked at? I knew at the time it was wrong, but I really appreciated the food.”

He traced the rim of the coffee mug with his finger. “I didn’t steal it from the kitchen. I got it from my parents’ kitchen.”

She sat upright. “What? You never told me that. You handed me bags of food when I saw you at the kitchen. I just assumed you snuck it out from there.”

“I wouldn’t steal from a soup kitchen, Asia. Good grief. I’m not a louse.” No, he’d never told her where the food came from. But it had quickly become a priority to make sure his friend had enough food. “What, you think I would let my BFF go hungry when my parents have so much?”

“I didn’t think. We lived in completely different worlds. I was so grateful for your contributions and your friendship. I don’t want to get all sappy on you here, but seriously, Conrad, you’ve done so much for me. And I’ve done nothing for you.”

Discomfort at this attention sent Conrad twisting in his seat. “You’ve been my friend. You’ve been there when my life was bottoming out. I was a rich kid, what right did I have to know sorrow and pain?” Frustration and bitterness colored his words. “But you understood. People don’t take rich kids seriously. We don’t have anything to be pained about or any reason to feel depressed and lonely. But it’s a big façade. The children of affluent parents live distressed lives, expected to be perfect: perfectively beautiful, perfectively fashionable, perfectively eloquent, perfectively successful, perfectively social. And of course, perfectly happy. I’m not saying every wealthy family is dysfunctional, but a rich kid’s life isn’t unencumbered. If it weren’t true, why would so many of us commit crimes and get away with them? If we’re so fortunate why do we have eating disorders and substance abuse, even depression?”

“Too much pressure and too many things versus a lot of unconditional love makes for acting out and higher suicide rates.” Her voice went low at the mention of suicide.

Conrad’s attempt at suicide in the early years of their friendship was something neither of them wanted to remember. But it would always be in his soul that Asia befriended him at the point where he just needed to stop the pain. He’d been so weary of trying and not getting any relief that he had made preparations. It was an easy play. Just overdose on his mother’s anxiety meds and go to sleep. Relief was near.

Then relief of a different sort came into his life and it was named Asia. She’d been the were-lynx he clung to when he just couldn’t see a way out. She’d stayed with him when he was consumed in sorrow over lack of meaning and unconditional love. And she’d been at his side when he’d needed grounding in a new way of living.

Their gazes collided, each knowing the journey they’d been on together but still willing to stick together.

“I guess we’ve both been through tough times. And the battle for finding true happiness and meaning isn’t done.” Her lips came together in a perfect little pout. “Darn it.”

Her quip split open the mood and sunshine entered Conrad’s heart. He unleashed a hearty laugh and adored her even more.

Simultaneously, each of their cellphones vibrated. “I’m betting this is Casey,” Conrad said.

“Yup, an emergency colony meeting at Casey’s parents’ house.” Asia smiled. “Cool. I like Jerry and Camille’s house and property. Think we’ll get a chance for a run while we’re there?” She jumped up and headed down the hall, while Conrad stood and watched her, mesmerized by her lovely behind.

He turned away before she caught him. The realization that he loved her more than as a friend would remain the ache in his heart. He wouldn’t trouble her with that complication or risk losing her friendship.

“I don’t know. It is the weekend.”

“Perfect.” The smile on her face as she walked back up the hallway tripped his heart. “Let’s go. We don’t want to be late.”

Conrad drove up the long driveway leading back to the house owned by Casey's and Kennedy’s parents, Jerry and Camille Mitchell. Following behind in the Volkswagen, Asia slitted her eyes to better appreciate the moment. She stuck her head out the window and breathed in the musty scent of forest, wild grasses, and dirt. The lovely scents and sounds of the spot quivered through her as they always had, reminding her of the benefit of being part lynx. Her senses were heightened and she readily sank into the healing powers of nature.