Heartfelt (21 page)

She, on the other hand, did not know how to go on.

The things she’d learned yesterday sent quakes trembling through her still. The fingers of TNG and Phoenix Biosciences had already reached places and done things she would never have imagined anyone would do.

In the space of less than a week, the colony had temporarily lost its leader and Casey had come close to being forever changed. She’d found her mother, but her mother was drugged and unconscious. She’d learned she had a father, but he was a killer involved with TNG.

And Shaun had been killed. Tears trickled down her cheeks and she didn’t bother to wipe them away.

How could she, how could any of them—in particular, Booker—go on?

After the huge fight yesterday, they’d all gathered at Casey’s house. In her mind’s eye she saw images of each were-cat and each human, bloodied and bruised and cut. Exhausted, they’d each allowed Lara to offer her healing touch for their wounds. With Lara’s help and their own physiology, the physical wounds would heal quickly. The emotional wounds were another matter.

The door behind her opened and she knew without looking that Conrad was joining her. He’d brought her home last night. They’d showered and gone to bed early, each exhausted from the turmoil.

“You’re up early. Are you starting to make a habit of it?” His voice was raspy from sleep, but its smooth baritone wrapped around her, warming the numbness.

She turned to him and he startled. “You’ve been crying.”

“I’m stuck, Conrad. I look around and see that everything looks the same. Where is the pause that acknowledges our loss? How do I go on living when Shaun is dead and everything is changing?”

He pulled her close. “I know. It’s too much.”

“My insides are screaming. It’s a nightmare that keeps replaying. I know life is always changing but the changes we have knowledge of are not good. They are exactly what TNG have planned for the world. And we can’t stop them. You were right. Humans are dangerous. They can’t be trusted.”

“Oh, Asia.” Conrad pulled her down to the grass with him and sat her in his lap. “Yesterday was beyond terrible. I don’t know how we keep going with all the rage and sorrow we experienced yesterday. I think we have to wait to move on. You’re right. We need a pause, but the way forward will come to us when it’s time.”

She rested her head on him, letting his words live in her. She’d dress and meet at Casey’s, then sit with the colony cats and take stock. It wasn’t natural for her to wait to see what was next. She’d always had to be prepared, just to avoid major problems, like starving and keeping her mother going. Even as an adult, her mother’s choices exerted an impact on Asia’s way of living.

She was pulled into unpleasant situations of her mother’s doing and having to rescue her over and over again. Maybe it was time for her to let her mother live with her choices. The idea of it overwhelmed Asia. She couldn’t trust her mother to do the right thing.

“What are you thinking about?” Conrad pulled her chin to face him, as if he could read her eyes.

“I’m thinking about my weaknesses. I’ve tried very hard to heal from my past and be strong. I’m not, though.”

“You are strong, Asia. You are sensitive and unsure sometimes. But you have a spine of strength despite all you’ve been through. You are fierce.”

She climbed off his lap and sat cross-legged beside him. “Thank you.”

“You know I’m right.” His brow knitted and he stared out into the fields behind the house. “Not to bring up a sore subject, but I think I’ve figured out why your telepathy has expanded and why it’s been so challenging.”

Asia’s defenses instantly appeared. But she was too bone and heart weary to act them out. “Go on.”

“You asked for it.” A sly grin slipped across his face.

“Excuse me?”

“When you set your intention on becoming seriously involved with a human, you opened up to accepting their ways and understanding them better. You needed to separate into two parts. One part a were-lynx, the other a human part. It was the only way you could imagine having a normal life, as you wanted, with a normal man.”

Asia rolled her eyes. “You don’t always have to have solutions to every problem, you know.”

He chuckled. “I know. But hear me out.”

She gestured for him to continue. Admittedly, she was more than curious about his theory. It might explain her weird awareness the other day of feeling a film over her human perceptions and a vivid sense of everything as a were-lynx.

“You can’t thrive living in two separated parts, Asia. You are a were-lynx, not a human.”

“So you’re saying a human relationship is impossible? What about Casey and Michelle? They make it work.” He was making sense. A noticeable shift inside her helped her see his point.

“They each accept who they are. Casey is a were-lynx seeking a relationship with a woman he loves. He’s accepted himself as one being with the needs and skills of a were-lynx and the nuances of who he is in totality. You can get serious about a human, but I believe you need to first accept all your parts and bring them together as one you. You are not, quote, normal.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

“You deserved a chance to find out for yourself if Gavin was the one for you. Besides, you wouldn’t have accepted my theory until you were ready.”

The concept rumbled around inside her, challenging her beliefs. “So I’ve been trying so hard for a normal life, I’ve repressed my natural interface with the world. Being a were-lynx and having that beautiful connection to everything is important to me. You’re probably right about this.” She pursed her lips. It was a lot to process on top of everything else.

He grabbed her gaze. “But I was wrong about humans.”

“What? Have you been paying attention? Humans run TNG. They’re doing unimaginable, horrifying things. It’s not the animals or were-cats holding guns and shooting people who can’t escape. It’s not animals who are making illegal and harmful drugs.” She stopped, the thoughts of it all stretching her heart to a breaking point. “It’s humans who are doing all that and more.”

“I know. Human activity is hard to grasp. But it isn’t limited to inflicting pain and needless death.”

“I don’t care anymore about the minor good in humans. It doesn’t balance out the bad humans do.”

Conrad’s eyes glimmered. Asia could sense the emotions stirring inside him. “See, that’s what TNG wants you to feel. That there’s no good in humans and that you should give up on them. Don’t let them take away your spirit, your hope.”

“Who are you, Buddha?”

He chuckled. “No, far from it. I saw human kindness and vulnerability and compassion yesterday. You and I were facing many forms of danger and death. The humans, people who had been brutalized, drugged, then were about to be fed to wild animals, cared about our problems. They assisted us. Despite everything, they had spirit and strength. That is who humans are. I was wrong to believe otherwise. You said it before. You’ve said it to me many times. There are people who are mostly bad and there are people who are mostly good. I just didn’t get it before.”

“So you’ve had a don’t-throw-out-the-baby-with-the-bathwater moment?”

He slanted a grin at her. “That’s one way to put it.”

Sunshine filled the sky now. Sounds of the day beginning filtered to her ears. “Could we walk?”

Conrad stood and reached out to help her to her feet. “I would like that. Do you want to get dressed first?”

“Oh, I forgot I’m still in my pajamas.” She looked out toward the landscape beyond her yard, then turned to the house, then squared Conrad. “No. Let’s just go.”

His hand still holding hers, they walked out into the grassy field. The feel of the grasses against her feet sent sensations of pleasure and peace throughout her body. She breathed in the morning air, letting it cleanse her thoughts.

The scent of Conrad, warm and musky, tempted her senses. The rift that had come between them when he proclaimed his hatred for humans seemed almost mended. She’d gone to that dark place where fear and hatred blackened reason and insight, just the place Conrad had been living in. Only this time Conrad had been the one to reject the concept of hatred of humans.

He broke the silence. “I’m sorry for detaching the other day. I felt misunderstood and judged, the things my parents’ actions always triggered in me. Even now, I struggle to maintain my individuality and self-determination. Detaching has been a pattern of self-preservation.”

“I understand. I think we’ve both gone to those places. It’s something that brought us together as friends and kept us together, as friends.”

He stopped and stared down at her with those gorgeous honey brown eyes that pierced her heart. “We’ve always agreed we didn’t want to lose our friendship by falling in love. It scares me how close we came to that happening.”

Conrad was right again. As his lover, Asia couldn’t tolerate his prejudice. She couldn’t trust her heart to him.

“I know.” She couldn’t tell him that now that she’d shared the dark place with him, she understood they were not very different. It would lay her wide open and vulnerable.

“And then with Shaun’s death, I saw up close how fleeting life is. I don’t want to let anything prevent me from being with you.”

“Booker and Shaun never saw this coming. They expected to be together forever.” A lump in her throat made it difficult for Asia to talk.

“Did I lose you?” His expression earnest, he took her to the same place of uncertainty. When he’d detached, she’d suffered the pain of losing him.

“Let me admit something.” She put her hand on his chest, grasping at the feel of him for strength. “What happened with TNG made me drop into blind hatred. I got lost there, and you met me there, helping me find a better way. And just now, in this moment, I find you with me again in confusion and fear.”

“Asia, what are you saying? Have I lost you?”

“We have our differences. But we’re also very alike. I know that now. How could you lose me when I want you so much? We haven’t lost our friendship.” She stopped talking, holding her breath for a response.

He grabbed her up close. “I have my best friend. But I’ve found my lover for life.” His lips came to hers, hard and intense. “I love you, Asia. My sweet, hardcore, delicious Asia.”

“And I love you, Conrad. My crazy-making, sexy, strong Conrad.”

He kissed her again, sliding his lips lazily over hers and pressing hers to open. His tongue darted in and languished, drawing her in to a mindless, fearless love.

He pulled back, smiling dreamily at her. Thoughts of everything, her life with her mother, her work at the newspaper, her longtime friendship with Conrad and all that he’d suffered, her longing for a normal life, and the agony of yesterday’s confrontation with TNG, swirled around her. She hugged Conrad with a grip that melded her to him. They stood there among nature and lingered in the embrace.

Moments passed, and finally she felt refilled. She let go and slanted a smile at him. “I think you’re right about another thing. We’re damned awesome.”

His laughter filled the air and she savored his glee as if it were her own. “Yes, we are.”

She looked in his eyes and knew the acknowledgment was bitter sweet. Life had been hard for both of them. They were awesome because they’d made it through the challenges, not because he was rich, the pure son of wealthy parents or because she was a good person.

“Geez, life is so complex.” She grabbed him and hugged him again.

“Yes, it is. And probably more than we know.”

Asia, where are you? Asia?

“Oh my God!” Asia jumped back. “I think my mother just called for me and I heard it as her thought.”

“But she’s far away. Are you sure?”

“I’ve heard things at a distance before, remember? We talked about that how thoughts are energy and distance could be irrelevant.”

Conrad grabbed her hand. “Let’s go.”

• • •

Dressed in minutes and in Conrad’s Rover heading toward Casey’s house, Asia didn’t know what to think. The thoughts from her mother had been brief. Was she going to be too late getting to her mother’s side?

Conrad ignored the speed limit and made the drive to Casey’s house brief. Vehicles in the driveway let her know the others were already gathered inside, but all she could think of was her mother.

Inside the house, Asia breathed shallow, pensive breaths as she walked down the hall to the room where her mother was recuperating. She stepped into the bedroom and saw her mother still lying quietly in bed. She pulled up a chair and sat beside the bed.

She knew Conrad had joined the others in the kitchen for breakfast. He would make sure no one interrupted her time with her mother.

“Mom, I’m here.” She caressed her mother’s face. Her drinking and drug abuse plus her life on the streets wore on her skin. “It’s Asia.”

Silence enveloped them. Asia tried to open a connection with her mother. She quieted her mind and waited for the rich sensations she’d experienced the last time she’d tried.

She glanced around the room. Waiting was hard. She hadn’t seen Casey yet or Booker. Was Booker even here? she wondered.

Wait a minute. Mine is not a quiet mind.
The connection she’d had before with her mother was a subtle thing.

She emptied her mind again and listened. And listened. Nothing.

She checked her mother’s pulse. It seemed slow, but it was detectable. She checked her mother’s breathing. Shallow.

Fear laced Asia’s determination to reach her mother. “Mom, this is Asia.” She caressed her mother’s face again, tears blurring her vision. She picked up her mother’s hand. “Mom, I love you.”

Her mother’s eyes fluttered, then closed.

“Mom, I’m here.”

Her mother’s lips moved. Her eyes opened. Her lips moved again. Confusion colored her mother’s eyes. She cleared her throat. “Asia?” Her voice came out breathless and low.

“Yes, Mom. I’m here.”

Her eyes lit up. “Oh, Asia. You found me.” She spoke slowly, deliberately, taking a breath between words.

“Yes, Mom. You’re here with me now. You’re safe.”

Her mom’s eyes closed. She patted Asia’s hand. “I’m clean. I have been.”