Heartbreaker (20 page)

I throw some papers on the floor. I have papers and books everywhere. Bennett won’t study with me because he says I’m too messy. I love it. I love having piles of articles and notes scattered around, makes me feel like an academic. I’m sitting in my favorite Scooby doo pj’s, I haven’t showered, and I feel a bit nauseated. I haven’t felt like eating much, and I’ve lost a bit of weight. I tried having a piece of toast, but couldn’t stomach it, so I’m sipping on some orange juice.

I check my calendar for the umpteenth time to make sure that I’ve got the date of my exam correct. That’s my worst fear, to do all this work, then miss the exam. I’ve scribbled the time on the calendar, six o’clock, it’s only ten, so I’ve got at least six hours before I have to leave. I’m about to divert my eyes away when I notice another little red x on the calendar. Its two weeks ago, that I put it there.

Two weeks. That’s weird. I put my pen in my mouth and think back. I can’t remember. That’s also weird. I’m regular as clockwork with my cycle. I try to place the last time I had that bloated feeling. I always know when my periods are coming. And they haven’t come in over six weeks.

Shit. Shit, and shit again.

I must have had one of those things where you get stressed and it affects you. Yeah, that’s all it is. Surely. I mean it was only the two times and we used protection. Didn’t we? I’m sure we did. Hell, I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything. Crap.

It can’t be. It really can’t be. My heart is racing, and I run to the bathroom and throw up.

I sit on the cold floor and lean back against the basin.

No. No. No. This is not happening. Don’t panic, Bailey, it’s just one of those things.

It happens to all girls, doesn’t it?
...
All girls who are pregnant.

No. No. Don’t. I can’t think that.

I bang my head back against the basin. I’m so stupid. I have to know. I can’t not know. I’ll get one of those test thingy’s and it will be negative, then I can go to the doctor and they’ll tell me it’s just one of those stress things. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. Panic attack averted. For now. Until. Shhhh ... stop it brain. Stop thinking right now.

I get off the floor and grab some track pants and a sweat shirt and run to the drug store. If I stop and let myself think I won’t do it, I’ll chicken out. I rush down the aisle and find five shelves full of pregnancy tests. Crap. I have no idea which one is the best one. Or if there is a best one. But I don’t want a faulty one. Or do I?

Shit. Shit. I’ll just go. No. I can do this. Pick the most expensive that’s bound to be the best. So I do.

I grab it and make it to the checkout counter. The girl serving gives me a big smile, like she thinks it’s the best thing in the world to be buying one of these. Maybe for some people. Maybe even for me one day, but not today. Never today.

She takes her time, and I want to kick her ass or jump over the counter and do it myself. Finally she hands me the receipt and the thing in a little brown bag. God, I hope I don’t run into anyone I know.

The gods of mercy smile on me today, because I make it back to my apartment without seeing a soul. I rip open the box and pull out the small bit of white paper with the instructions. Must be simple seeing as it only has a little instruction sheet. Then I unfold it, and keep unfolding it, to find that it’s got reams of information on it. Shit. I don’t have time to read all that. Then I see a simple diagram explaining it all. Ew… I’ve got to pee on that, and then hold it for two minutes. Ew … I don’t want to do that. That’s gross.

I pull out the tester from the plastic packaging and stare at it, like it’s my enemy. “You have to give me one strip, one strip only, do you hear?” I yell at it.

I suck in one big
breath and take it to the toilet. I sit and hold the tester. Terrific I can’t go. I get up and take a huge gulp of water from the faucet and sit again. I sit for a good while. Then I’m ready. I do what I have to do, and then hold onto the tester thingy. I close my eyes, and pray like I’ve never prayed before. I don’t want to think about what this could mean for me and my life. I can’t go there just yet. I won’t have to.

I’ll be fine.

I am fine.

I am
so
not pregnant.

I look at the tester.

Shit.

I
so
am.

I’m sitting in the waiting room. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for the confirmation that my life is over. Well, the life I thought I’d have. My mind won’t stop ticking with everything. I can’t imagine how I'm ever going to make this work. I can’t imagine walking into Andy’s office and telling him. I can’t imagine telling Bennett or telling my Dad. I can’t imagine never getting the chance to try with Cam. I don’t know what I’m going to do.

“Ms Bailey Ryan,” the receptionist calls in her polite voice. I rise from my chair and walk on unsteady legs to the doctor’s room.

“The doctor will be in shortly,” she says and shuts the door.

I swallow hard. My hands are shaking. They rang earlier to say they had the results for me, but wouldn’t tell me over the phone.

The door opens, and I gulp down the sudden urge to cry. My heart is pounding and my palms are sweaty.

“Ah, Miss Ryan, so nice to see you again.”

I give a small smile.
No it isn’t
, I want to say.

The doctor takes a seat and
opens a blue folder on her desk. “So, we have your test results. You’re about five weeks pregnant.”

Five weeks. Pregnant. Five weeks. Pregnant.

Those words keep on replaying over and over.

“We won’t need to give you a scan until closer to twelve weeks, but you can have one beforehand if you like.”

“No. No scan.” I don't want a scan. I can’t breathe. I just want out of here.

“Okay. So we’ll book you an appointment for…” she goes on and on about vitamins and scans and not smoking and blah blah. But I can’t think of all that. All I can think about is …
five weeks and pregnant
.

“Bailey ...”

“Um … yeah, um sorry.”

The doctor takes off her square rimmed glasses and looks at me intently. I don’t like that look. Reminds me of being in trouble at school.

“Do you have someone to share this news with?”

“Um … yeah. I do.”

I don’t.

I’m not telling her that though, the next thing she’ll do is offer me some sort of counselling.

“What about the father, will he be involved?”

Good question. And father. Wow, just hearing that nearly knocks me off my chair.

“He doesn’t know yet. I wanted to be positive before I told him.”

“Right. Okay then, if you have any other questions or concerns, please make another appointment. Your first pregnancy can be a bit daunting, there’s a lot of horror stories out there, but make sure you get the correct information, and never be afraid to ask, no matter what.”

“Okay. Thanks. I will.”
Can I go now?
I really want out of here.

I get up to leave and the doctor shoves a whole bagful of pamphlets and samples of, goodness knows what, in my hands. “Here, there is some good information in there, and some good, reliable websites that will help.”

I thank her once more and leave, clutching my little bag of goodies. I’m tempted to put it in the trash on the way out, but that wouldn’t be very grown up behavior. Not mother material at all. Oh god, that thought nearly makes me trip over as I rush out the door into the dull windy day. I make my way to the nearest alleyway and I put my head on the cold bricks taking in deep breaths.

This can’t be happening. I can’t deal with this. I was so close to leaving and going home, now there’s no way I can go back. I couldn’t face Cam knowing I was pregnant with another man’s child. And Dad, wow, he would be so disappointed in me. I don’t want to see that look on his face. Then there’s Andy, he’ll probably want to see his son. Or daughter. Shit. I’m really pregnant. I’m really going to have that. A son or a daughter.

Too much. This is too much.

I’m a coward. I’ve been back at work for the past few weeks and I can’t bring myself to tell Andy. Every time I see him flirting with Miss Giggly pants I want to throw up. Bennett thinks I’m jealous from the way I keep shooting them death glares.

I’m going for my scan in less than four weeks, he will have to know by then. Then it will be safe to tell people, or so they say. Anyway not long after that, it’s going to be more than obvious. I already feel fatter and my boobs are definitely bigger. I still haven’t been able to hold down much food, but I’m trying. I’m trying to look after myself and the baby. The baby. I’ve been saying that all week. I can’t bring myself to say my baby or Andy’s baby. Sends a cold shiver down my spine. I can’t believe I’m having a baby with him. That was never in my future albums for sure.

I’ve given myself a date, next Wednesday at eleven o’clock, I’m telling Andy. I’ve checked his schedule and he’ll be in that morning. He’s been away a fair bit these past few weeks, so it’s been bearable at work. I’ve been keeping my mind busy on study and piling on the work here at the office. I’m so glad Bennett thinks I’ve got issues with Andy cheating on me. He doesn’t suspect there’s anything else and I don’t want him to.

I’ve read through my little bag of goodies, twice now, and been on all the websites. I never knew there was so much to know. I’m only in my first trimester and I’m panicking about all the things that can happen. I wonder if Andy will want to be a part of it. I’m guessing he will. He’s an asshole but he’s not that much of an asshole. He’s got a bit of class about him. At least I’m hoping he has. I really don’t know that I can raise a child alone.

I swi
tch off my computer, pick up my purse and look around to see that it’s mostly the executive staff still in their offices. I decide to pick up a pizza on the way home. I’ve been craving salty stuff, and I love the burnt cheese. I wonder for a second if my baby will be a pizza addict. Huh, my baby, first time I’ve thought that way. It’s kind of nice in a weird way. I smile for the first time in a while and make my way to the elevator and down to the foyer. I wave goodbye to Jake and step out into the cold December night. I wrap my coat around me and hurry to the bus stop. Bennett’s been away on a course these past few nights, so I’ve been eating solo. He’s due back tomorrow night. I’ll be glad to see him, I might even tell him. I can’t keep it to myself much longer. I just hope he doesn’t kick Andy’s ass.

I spend the night, watching Big Bang re-runs and tracing a finger over my stomach. It’s still flat, but feels fuller somehow. I’m mesmerized thinking about the tiny life growing inside me. It really is a miracle. Not a miracle I wanted, but now it might be. A baby of my very own. I know I’ll love it. I kind of already do, although it’s taken me a long while to understand that. Whether Andy wants it or not, it’s half mine and I will always want it. I suddenly realize that I can and will do this on my own.

The last episode plays, and I get up taking my new thoughts of lovely baby smells and tiny fingers and toes to bed. I lie down and stare at the ceiling for a little bit, trying to imagine what he or she will look like. Andy is okay looking, so my baby will have a reasonable gene pool to draw from. Not that I’d care, either way. I wrap my arms around my stomach, picturing a tiny baby in my arms. A wave of emotion captures me and a warmth settles in my chest. Then I fall into a deep contented sleep.