Heartbreak Trail (13 page)

It all seemed so incredible. One minute he’d been greasing a wheel and the next, gone forever.

Her tears flowed freely until, after a time, she made herself stop, resolving in the future she’d never put herself and her own feelings first again. She would return to her father’s home with Noah, bear her child in the safety and comfort of her own bedroom, cope with Pernelia, and lead a virtuous life filled with good works. Strange, but the thought of going home didn’t fill her with the joy she thought it would. How she would miss all these dear friends she’d made! Despite the hardships, she’d miss the day-to-day adventure of this journey, as well as ...
Clint
. How she’d miss him! But he was behind her now, as was this entire insane journey. It was over. Done. She should feel ecstatic that soon she’d be back in Boston where life was dull but safe. Somehow she didn’t, and she didn’t know why.

She remembered Jacob’s bag of gold coins safely stashed at the bottom of the flour barrel. It was hers now. She drifted off to sleep comforted in the knowledge she wouldn’t be entirely destitute and dependent. Did Abner know about the coins? She wasn’t sure, but if he did, he’d better not try to take them away from her.

* * *

A sharp cramp in her lower abdomen awoke her in the middle of the night, almost immediately followed by another. For a few moments, she lay paralyzed, knowing what she must do but afraid to do it. Finally, feeling as if her breath had been cut off, she reached under the covers and between her legs. The wetness told her all she needed to know.

What should she do? If Noah were here, she’d send him to fetch Inez Helmick, but Noah was spending the night with Hannah. She was all alone. Another pain ripped through her, sharper this time.
Must get help
. She threw a blanket around her shoulders and crawled from the tent. On unsteady feet, she walked to the Helmick wagon and rapped on the back. When Inez stuck her head out, her words poured out in a desperate whisper, “I need help.”

Had not Inez quickly climbed from the wagon and grabbed her, Lucy would have collapsed on the ground.

Far from Boston, at dawn in the middle of nowhere, a boy was born to Lucy Parker Schneider, so premature he had no chance of surviving. With a grief beyond words, Lucy named him after his father and requested he be laid to rest next to Jacob in the hastily dug grave.

Later that morning, she dragged herself to the graveside services held for her husband and son, so weak she could hardly stand. Grief and despair tore at her heart. Her mind worked endlessly, trying to absorb the shock of losing first her husband, then her precious baby. Beyond tears, she stoically listened to Reverend Helmick deliver a short sermon. Abner followed. Attired in his usual black, ministerial garb, tall-crowned, stiff-brimmed hat atop his head, he launched into a fire and brimstone eulogy for his brother. She remembered how Jacob’s blue eyes could occasionally hold a bit of warmth. Abner’s dark eyes constantly blazed, as if he must devote every moment to bringing the word of God to those many sinners headed straight to Hell. Would he never stop talking? Abner’s eulogy lasted so long Lucy suspected even in his grief he couldn’t forgo the opportunity to preach to a captive audience.

After the graveside service, Abner, with Martha beside him, came to talk to Lucy. Still in preaching mode, Abner loudly declared, “Lucy my dear, I want to reassure you you’ll have my protection for the rest of the journey.”

Lucy squeezed her eyes shut. As if she cared what Abner did! As if she cared about anything right now except her devastating loss. To her surprise, Martha spoke up. “Abner, I don’t believe this is either the time or place to discuss Lucy’s plans.”

Lucy nodded in agreement. “Martha’s right. I’m not in the mood right now to discuss my future.”

Abner seemed not to have heard. “From now on, you and Noah will take your meals with us. You can help Martha with the cooking and other chores. I plan to join our herds together, so either Henry or Benjamin will be free to drive your wagon. When we arrive, you’ll always have a home with us ...”

Abner rambled on, extolling the fine life Lucy would lead under his care and supervision. Her uneasiness grew as she listened. She could think of no worse fate than living with Abner and Martha for a day, let alone a week or possibly months, possibly
forever
. Worse, even, than living with Pernelia. In her grief, she found it difficult to talk, but she had better speak up. She raised a protesting hand. “Wait. I apologize for interrupting, but you must know I have no intention of carrying on with this journey. We shall be going back to Boston as soon as we meet a returning wagon that’s willing to take us along.”

Abner’s bushy brows raised in surprise. “
We
?”

“
Noah and I. Rest assured, he’ll have the best care in Boston. We’ll stay at my father’s home where I know we’ll be more than welcome. Noah will have every advantage.”

Abner returned an indulgent smile. “I understand how shocked you are at Jacob’s sudden death, and the baby, too. Obviously, you haven’t thought things through. You must realize Noah is mine now.”

Alarm shot through her. She never dreamed Abner might object. “I realize no such thing. I love Noah. You know how close we are. He just lost his father. Are you saying he must lose his mother, too?”

“
Martha will make an excellent mother.” Abner threw a look of approval at his wife who wore a worried frown and was twisting her apron, a habit that appeared at the least bit of stress. “She’s his aunt, don’t forget. I am his uncle, his closest relative now that Jacob has gone to his reward.” The remnant of his indulgent smile disappeared. “Did you honestly think I’d let you take Noah away? From now on, he’ll be like my own son.”

Abner had never paid the slightest attention to Noah, so it’d never occurred to her ... she could hardly believe what she was hearing. “I do think the child will be better off in Boston where it’s civilized, and there are good schools—”

“
Enough.” Abner used a quiet but forceful voice. “I have spoken on the matter, and there’s no more to be said. You’d best not forget you’re only his stepmother. You have no legal right to the boy. As a matter of fact, Jacob and I bought the wagons—oxen—cattle—all the supplies in both our names, so whatever was his is now mine.” His expression softened. He reached and patted the top of her head as if she were a child. “Poor Lucy, you’ve had a terrible shock—two terrible shocks, actually. But don’t fret. If you decide to stay, you have my assurance you’ll be under my care and protection. If you wish to return to Boston, then I’ll find you safe transportation, but bear in mind, you’ll return alone.”

In an uncharacteristic move, Martha laid her hand on Lucy’s arm. “I do hope you’ll stay with us.” Her voice was so meek she could scarce be heard. “Noah will miss you terribly if you leave, and so will I.”

“
Thank you. I ...” A swell of desperation rose in Lucy’s throat. She couldn’t continue this conversation, let Abner see her lose her composure. She must get away. Must think what to do. “Excuse me, I must go now. We’ll talk later.” She turned on her heel and walked toward her wagon through the hustle and bustle of a wagon train about to depart for another day on the trail. Vaguely, through her inner turmoil, she heard the lowing of the cattle, the excited barking of the dogs mixed with the oaths of men hitching the oxen and the chatter of women packing the wagons.
How ironic.
Lucy trudged along. At home, several days would have been devoted to solemn mourning for the deceased. Grief didn’t last long on a wagon train. Now all thoughts were turned to another day’s trek.

She’d almost reached her wagon when she sensed someone come up beside her. A familiar voice said, “Mrs. Schneider?”

She stopped. “Good morning.” She hadn’t had a chance to talk to Clint but had seen him standing quietly, hat in hand, while Abner ranted over Jacob’s grave.

Clint looked down at her, sympathy brimming in his warm brown eyes. “I’m sorry about your husband. He didn’t deserve to die like that.”

“
No, he didn’t. Thank you.”

“
You lost your baby, too. It’s beyond me how life can be so unfair to a woman as fine as you.”

His voice was so full of sympathy and understanding she almost cried. “Thank you again. It was a little boy, you know.”

“
I know.” There was a silence. “I suppose you’ll return to Boston?”

“
Yes ... or at least I thought I was, but now ...” Her confusion showed, but with Clint, she didn’t care. When he stood looking at her like that, all warmth and sympathy, she wanted to open up, tell him everything. “I planned on returning home, but now ...” She bit her lip. “Now I don’t know what to do.”

“
Why not?” He crossed his arms and regarded her quizzically.

“
I planned to take Noah with me, but Abner says he won’t let him go.”

“
Bastard,” Clint muttered under his breath. “No surprise there. Abner’s the kind of man who’d want a dozen sons simply to boost his ego. So will you go back without Noah?”

“
I love that little boy.” She paused and continued in a sinking tone. “It’s true Abner’s his uncle, but I don’t care. Noah’s a bright, happy child. I can’t bear the thought of what sort of man he’ll become if he’s raised by that mirthless zealot. If I stay, I can at least make sure Noah doesn’t fall under his influence, but ...” She clutched her fists in frustration. “Can you imagine living under Abner’s supervision?”

“
No, I can’t, but let’s be practical. Do you really want to go home?”

“
Of course. I do so miss my family, especially now.”

“
A sound argument, but is that all?” He paused, as if to carefully choose his words. “Look me in the eye and tell me you’ll have no regrets if you return to Boston. Tell me you won’t miss the friends you’ve made, the excitement of each day’s journey.”

She nodded reluctantly. “I can’t deny I’d miss the dear friends I’ve made, and yes, even the journey itself. When I wake up each morning, I look forward to the day, despite all the hardships.”

“
Of course you do.” Clint’s eyes lit up. “Just think what you’ve seen already. Mountains, valleys, rivers, green forests—all the beauty that makes up this land. Birds and animals you’ll never see if you return to Boston. The best is yet to come.” In his enthusiasm, his voice had risen. He gave a rueful smile. “Sorry, you’re in no mood for this. I’ve said too much.”

“
That’s the most I ever heard you say.” She smiled for the first time that day.

“
I love this land. I wanted you to see it. If you go back to Boston now, I wonder, as the years go by, if you’ll grow to regret the choice you made. Something tells me you will.”

“
You could be right.”

“
You have a big decision to make, one that will affect the rest of your life.”

She gave him a rueful smile. “East or west, which way do I go? Well, you’ve given me something to think about. It’s just that the thought of Abner—”

“
You’re a strong woman. You can handle the likes of Abner. Think about it. Look into your heart. What do
you
want to do? I’ve said enough.” Clint touched a finger to the brim of his hat and walked away.

Speechless, she watched after him, her mind spinning. Clint so intrigued her. He would be part of the reason she stayed, but how foolish was that? At the end of the journey, he’d disappear, off to guide another wagon train. Still ... how she hated the thought of never seeing him again.

“
Mother?”

She felt a tug at her skirt and looked down. Noah, his little face pale and strained, looked up at her with pleading eyes. “Uncle Abner said you’re going to leave me. Are you?”

She knelt beside Noah, putting her arms around him, and in that moment made up her mind. “No, Son, Uncle Abner was wrong. You and I are going to California, and everything is going to be fine.”

I’m a widow
.
I lost the baby
.
I’m
a
lone in the world
. As the day progressed, Lucy lay in the back of her wagon, gathering her strength, slowly coming to grips with her new circumstances. Occasionally, when she had the strength to get out and walk, friends came to keep her company as she kept pace with the slow gait of the oxen. They expressed their sympathy at her loss and their pleasure that she’d chosen to remain. Some were amazed at her choice.

“
You’re completely out of your mind,” said Agnes.

“
I just can’t understand why you chose to stay,” said Bessie. “If I had the chance to go home, I’d surely take it.”

Lucy kept her own council. As far as she knew, no one other than Clint even suspected that her concern for Noah was her real reason for not going home. She had to give special thought as to how best to cope with Abner and Martha. So far, except for Jacob being gone, it appeared nothing would change. She and Noah would sleep in their wagon, just as before. She’d watch over Noah, just as before. She disliked the thought of taking her meals with Abner and Martha—those long, long graces before they got to the food—but she’d manage. At least afterwards she could join the others at the nightly campfire, which she always enjoyed.

Maybe living under Abner’s thumb would be endurable after all.

All that day, the Schneider wagon train headed due west, following the south side of the Platte River. The barren wastes of the great river valley stretched before them—level plains measureless to the eye, occasional clumps of woods through which coursed winding streams. That day death became even more real when she saw her second grave alongside the dusty trail. She had been walking alongside Abner’s wagon. She called for him to stop while she and Martha went to read the inscriptions printed on a pine board at the head of the grave. One read, “Harriet Susan Welsh, born January 4, 1829, died May 8, 1851.” The other, “Catherine Amanda Welsh, born May 8, 1851, died May 9, 1851.”