Heartbeat (22 page)

I would have cried as I watched them take Lake away. But I was completely out of tears. I’d been crying so much, for so long, that tears no longer came. I hugged Lake long and hard as guilt ripped me apart. How couldn’t I have seen what was going on with her? Everything and everyone that meant so much to me, now seemed to be getting torn from my life. I felt defeated.

I watched them as they took her away, not knowing where they were going to take her. They wanted to take Destiny too, but I gave them a look filled with so much venom that the police officers decided to just let Child Protective Services deal with me.

I needed to call Kesha and tell her everything, but decided to wait. She had so much on her plate now, how would she deal with all of this? How was I going to deal with all of this?

I felt like I was on auto pilot as I bundled Destiny’s small body up, placed her in her car seat, and headed to the hospital.

The hospital had become my second home. It was where I spent most of my time now. I’d delegated most of the shop’s day to day operations to my manager and canceled all of my clients’ appointments for the rest of the month. Only one thing mattered to me, and that was Amir.

He was dying. I knew that but I couldn’t accept that. So I’d convinced myself if I spent as much time with him in the hospital, he would get better. He needed me there so I stayed there. But now, I needed him. After everything that had just happened with Lake, I needed Amir more than anything in my life.

I arrived at the hospital and made the familiar route to his room. I held on to Destiny for dear life as she bustled in my arms. Looking at her precious face broke my heart into millions of pieces. Everything was a mess now. Everything.

I entered Amir’s room and it was like he sensed my presence because he opened his eyes. And then he gave me a smile.

“Is that Destiny?” His voice was weak. Weaker than I remembered it being yesterday.

I nodded.

“She getting big,” he said. He was still smiling as he struggled to sit up in the hospital bed.

“Yeah, she is,” I said. I placed her in the detachable stroller seat and stared at her as she fought to stay awake.

“What’s wrong?” Amir asked. He was staring at me and I knew I couldn’t lie to him even if I tried. He knew my emotions as if they were his own.

I sighed as I tried to gather my thoughts. All of today’s events were taking a toll on my body and I shuddered at the thought of retelling them to Amir.

He moved over in his bed allowing room for me to crawl in. I did so, just like I’d done every day for the last week. I cuddled close to his thin body and he wrapped his arm around me. I laid my head on his chest and listened to his tired heartbeat. I cursed it for not beating stronger, for not fighting harder.

“You alright, Charlie?”

I surprised myself when I didn’t burst into tears. No, there were no more tears left in me. I told him everything that had happened and he was silent for a while afterwards.

“Wow,” he finally said. “What’s going to happen to Lake, now?”

I shrugged. “Only God knows.”

There was more silence between us. My visits were usually lighthearted, filled with kisses, and optimism…no matter how forced. But not today. There was a gloom that had followed me into the room and it rested on us, making us both heavy and desolate.

“I’m going to adopt Destiny,” I blurted, breaking the silence. I hadn’t really given it much thought so I wasn’t sure why I’d just said that. But as soon as I’d said it, I realized it was true.

I didn’t have to look up at Amir to know that he was smiling. I could hear it in his voice. “You’re going to be a wonderful mother, Charlie. I know it’s something you’ve been wanting for a long time.”

Although I fought hard, I couldn’t control my mind as it traveled to a cruel place. Yes, I wanted to be a mother almost more than anything. And I’d led myself to believe in fairy tales that I would be the mother of Amir’s children one day.

I felt something in me break as I laid there listening to the feeble heartbeat of the man I loved, who would never get to experience the joys of parenthood. I fell asleep listening to his heartbeat but was awakened to the sound of someone picking Destiny up and shooing her.

My eyes jolted open but fear quickly left as I recognized the person was Rick. He was bouncing her up and down trying to settle her fussiness. I looked up at Amir who was still asleep. I climbed out of his hospital bed as quietly as I could and Rick and I walked out of the room.

“She is getting to be a big girl, huh?” Rick said once we were outside of Amir’s room.

I nodded and gave him a weak smile.

“What is she doing here?”

“Long story,” I said.

He looked at me with a raised eyebrow and then handed Destiny to me. He ran his hand over his head and took a deep breath. When he looked back at me, his eyes were sad. “Can you come to my office for a second?”

I didn’t have the energy to deal with Rick today. All fight had left my body and I just couldn’t fight with him today of all days.

He seemed to be able to read my mind because he threw up both of his hands and said, “It’s friendly, I promise.”

I sighed and followed him down the long corridor and on a silent elevator ride to his office. Once inside, I stood in the corner.

He reached inside of one of his desk drawers and handed me a piece of paper. He took Destiny from me and sat down.

I looked over the papers and silently gasped. When I looked up at him, he was staring at me.

“I’m not going to contest the divorce anymore, Charlie.”

I felt a weight lift off me. Although, I hadn’t thought about the divorce in weeks, this made me feel like there was one less battle I would have to fight.

I whispered, “Thank you.”

He gave me a drained smile and returned his attention to Destiny. “I wanna be in her life, though.”

Shock made my eyes widen.

“If that’s okay with Lake…and you.”

I nodded, “Of course it’s okay.” I decided I would tell him about Lake another day.

He looked at his watch and handed Destiny back to me. “I gotta go make a few rounds.”

I nodded and was about to follow him out of the office when he turned around and gave me a look I couldn’t describe. He looked like he was struggling to find the right words and finally said, “You love him, don’t you? I mean, really, really love him?”

Amir. I stared Rick directly in his eyes when I said, “I do.”

He gave me another smile that didn’t look completely like a smile and nodded, “I know you do.” Then he walked out of the office.

❤❤❤❤❤

Amir’s hospital room hadn’t been filled with this much laughter since he’d been admitted. But his father was cracking everyone up. He was a comical old man and almost everything that came out his mouth made everyone laugh. And man, did we need that laughter.

Miss Rosie sat on the side of him slapping his knee trying to get him to stop, but he was on a roll. Cher stood in the corner of the room, and even she was laughing.

Harris and Kesha were seated across the room with Destiny in Harris’ lap. And I was laying in Amir’s bed, with his arms wrapped around me.

It was the first time in the long time that no one in the room looked depressed, and everyone had genuine smiles on their faces, even Cher.

“Pops, you can’t be coming in here embarrassing me, man!” Amir said.

“It’s true, though,” Luther laughed. “He fell square on his ass and then had the nerve to look around trying to see if anyone saw it.”

We all burst into more laughter before a silence fell on the room. I knew it wouldn’t take long before the thoughts of cancer came back and stole everyone’s laughter.

“Well, we gotta’ get up outta’ here,” Kesha said as she stood up. She stretched and took Destiny from Harris who was now standing also. “I’ll call you tonight, girl.”

Harris reached out and shook Amir’s hand. “Stay up, my boy.”

“Fa’ sho,” Amir said.

“Can I hold her?” Miss Rosie said, reaching for Destiny.

Kesha handed her the baby and I turned my attention to Amir. I kissed his lips and closed my eyes. I wanted to remember how this moment felt. I wished I could have bottled it up and took it home with me. It was such a freeing moment. Everyone he loved was in one room and he was happy, it was all over his face.

Everyone followed Harris and Kesha out of the room and left us alone together. As soon as the door closed, he looked at me and said, “You think we could sneak a quickie before they come back?”

I lightly punched him and giggled, “No, we cannot.”

He licked his lips and shocked me by saying, “I love you, Charlie.”

I almost stopped smiling due to the seriousness of his tone. “I love you too, Amir.”

“I’m gon always love you. I want you to remember that. You came into my life and changed everything. You made me feel things I didn’t think I would ever get the chance to feel. I didn’t think I was ever gonna fall in love and shit. But falling in love with you, Charlie, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. No matter what happens, Amir is going to love Charlie. I’m gon’ be sittin’ up in Heaven still loving you.”

“Stop it,” I said. “Don’t.”

“But I’m serious,” he said. “I need you to know how much I love you.”

I nodded and smiled although I didn’t like the mood that had taken over. “I know that, Amir. And I love you, too.”

“Always?” He asked but he knew the answer.

“Always,” I said.

He moved and placed my head on his chest. “I want you to always remember how my heartbeat sounds, not because you used to always say how much you loved the sound of my heartbeat. But because my heartbeat belongs to you. Even when it can’t beat anymore.”

I squeezed my eyes shut but it was too late. A tear had already fell. But I did as he asked. I ignored every other sound around me; the loud chatter outside of the hospital room, the monitor beside him that beeped incessantly, and concentrated on the sound of his heartbeat. I cemented the sound to my memory. I would always remember it.

It felt like hours that I lay there listening to the sound of Amir’s heartbeat…it was beautiful…even when it stopped.

The machines went haywire, nurses ran into the room with his parents right behind them. But my head was glued to his chest. I could feel them pulling me off him but I didn’t let go. I couldn’t let go.

Thump, thump, thump.
I could still hear it in my ears.

Even once I was pulled from his lifeless body, I heard it.

Even through his mother’s cries, I heard it.

Even through my numbing pain, I heard it.

And I still hear it…