Heart on a Shoestring (20 page)

He stood in the doorway. “You know that scene from Titantic?” 

I shook my head.

“Come on, you’ve made me watch it six times.”

“Which scene?”

“The one.”

“Please don’t, James.”

“I’ve been by your side since this happened. You almost died twice and that kind of thing makes you realize a lot. Made me realize that I may be able to go on living without you, but I don’t want to.” He closed the door. His footsteps trailed off. I heard the car door close and the engine rumble.

The door opened again.

Ella sat a few scones and a steaming cup of tea on the table beside me.

“I know what you’re going to say,” I said. “Don’t say it.”

She smiled. “What am I going to say?”

“That I need to be nice to him, but you don’t understand. I need him to let go. For his own good. If I’m nice he’ll hang on.”

“I don’t know what’s going on between you two. You never say anything and he’s as private as you are.” She handed me a blueberry-orange scone. “I was going to reprimand you for not eating. You have to if you want to get better.”

I picked off a piece and chewed it. Pretty good actually. “Change of pace, huh?”

“What do you mean?”

“Me, depressed. You, cheery.” I laughed. “Tables have turned.”

“You remember what you said to me once?” She tapped my foot. “My dream is every day. When I wake up, I want to find something new. Something beautiful about each day I’m given. I want to take the cards I’m given and play them with a smile, not to win, just to play.”

“Yeah. I said that when life’s biggest disappointment was losing a job or being single.”

“Well, try it.” She stood, left, and returned with the baby. “Find something beautiful.”

“It’s hard, Ella. I see negative in everything. There you are holding a baby and instead of seeing her beauty and your happiness all I see is my inability to have children and it makes me not want to be around either of you.”

“Doctor never said you can’t have children.”

“What kind of man wants to marry a woman with a shriveled up chest?”

“The man you have.” She glanced at the glistening ring on my night stand. “He wants you.”

I closed my eyes and remembered the first time I opened them after the accident. I didn’t know where I was and when I did I wished I had died. For months after that, wrapped up like a mummy, I kept wishing I’d close my eyes and die of an infection. People came in and out of my room. Checked my catheter. Did my excruciating physical therapy. Had conversations about their boyfriends and girlfriends and lives outside of the hospital. The life I wanted to crawl back to.

I should’ve never went camping. Should’ve made him put the fire out. Shouldn’t have fallen asleep. Endless regrets always ran through my head.

I tried to remain positive. That’s what people expected of me. Always the sunshine in the room. I didn’t want to let people down. Or maybe I didn’t want to let myself down. Why is being fake easier than being real?

I opened my eyes. Ella smiled, sat in the chair across the room, and nursed Adelaide.

Knife in my non-existent chest.

I winced. “When you’re finished could you give me some pain medication?”

She nodded.

“And do you mind not nursing her in front of me?”

A tear slipped down her face. “Sarah, I love you, but I’m not going to hide life from you. Yes, I can nurse a baby and you may never be able to, but there are many things you can do that I will never do. Think about who you are and how this can be turned into something good. So, you can’t nurse a child. Adopt one. Do something. Think of others. Count your blessings.”

My phone made a sound. I picked it up with the hand that didn’t get burned. The hand I could still type and write with. A notification. Physical therapy in two hours. Great.

Ella already knew. She nodded when I looked at her and said, “Let’s get you ready to go.”

“Where’s Gavin?”

“In the studio. Today’s homeschooler day. He’s teaching a few art classes and I have a few private violin lessons later. It’s fine. I can take Adelaide.”

“I can get Cheyenne.”

“Sarah Jordan, I’m taking you. Soon you won’t need help anymore and you’ll be so busy that you won’t have time to read. Enjoy this while it lasts.”

I inched myself into a sitting position and sat on the edge of the bed. “Maybe I’d enjoy it a little more if I wasn’t in constant pain.”

“You’ve made it this far.”

“This is so hard, Ella. It’s so hard. I felt okay until I came home. Or to your home. Now life is going on all around me and every time I look in the mirror I want to cry.”

She placed Adelaide in a baby wrap and put her arm around me. “I’ve always admired you, Sarah. And I still do. Throughout all of this you still manage to laugh and smile. You don’t tell everyone how hard it is and you put on this positive mask, but underneath you really are that person. These moments of sadness are normal. What I admire is that you still smile more than you cry.”

“Thank you for that.” I smiled. “Let’s go.”

Coming May 2014

Q. What made you decide to write romance novels over other genres?

A. I think because I’m a huge romantic at heart and it comes so natural for me. I do have a love for conspiracy books and I think I might do that at some point. Also a dystopian idea, but that wouldn’t fit into a series. The Unspoken Series was inspired by Downton Abbey. I wanted to write something that I would like to read. Something beautiful and not sex, sex, sex. So, I created this series to be my ideal little romantic world and I was inspired by Downton Abbey’s brilliant way of incorporating so many lives and stories into one big story. So, here I am! I love doing it and this series is an absolute joy to write.

Q. If you had to pick someone to play Ella and Gavin for a movie, who would you pick?

A. What a fun question! That’s tough. My favorite actors are too old for those roles or wouldn’t work. I love Benedict Cumberbatch, Dan Stevens, Kate Winslet, and Joaquin Phoenix. I think they are truly the best actors of our time. But they aren’t Ella and Gavin. Ahhh, I really don’t know! 

Q. What books inspire your stories?

A. All kinds. It really depends on the book. As a whole, Charles Martin is incredibly gifted (in my opinion) and he has shaped my desire to write from the heart. I can’t sing his praises enough. As for books that specifically inspire stories, it depends. For Mwenye’s story I’ve watched a lot of movies about slavery. Amistad is a favorite. The Green Mile is an inspiration in his story. Also, Maya Angelou and others who have spoken up for the beauty and strength of those with darker skin. Heart on a Shoestring was inspired by Big Fish, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and other oddities. I read a lot of non-fiction and believe it or not ... that inspires me the most. Real life is what provokes me to write. So that’s what I like to read too.

Q. What inspires you to write? I love your emotional scenes, like the simple beauty of Gavin’s wedding and their first night as husband and wife. How do you make them so realistic?

A. Life inspires me. I base a lot of these character’s off of my own life or people I know, but of course they become their own person. I just analyze life around me, try to soak it in and let it come out in the written word. Gavin’s wedding and scenes like that just come out naturally. I really have no idea how. I’m glad they seem realistic and people often say they feel like they know my characters. I consider them friends, so I’m glad others do as well! I just write from the heart so I guess the heart is what people get. 

Q. This book was intense and somewhat controversial. Did something in your life inspire it?

A. Not really. I’ve known people who’ve had abortions, but nothing really inspired. These people jump out of the page and into my head ... I just help them get onto the page. I didn’t really have an agenda with this or antyhing, just kind of happened and quite honestly, it gripped me and held me there. These two characters made me think!

Q. How can I get free books? I’m obsessed with this series!

A. Apply for my street team. Details are on my website!

Q. What’s next?

A.
Bloom
is in its final stages and will be released in May. Publisher is still deciding whether to get Mwenye’s story out after that or Nora’s first. Guess we’ll see!

Q. What’s your favorite thing about books?

A. The smell. The feeling as you turn a page. I don’t like to crease my books or bend corners. I don’t idolize them or anything, but there’s something about a smooth page. I could never trade my lovely paperback books for an electronic device. I love the feeling too much. Nothing like opening a new book and sniffing those pages. Am I the only weird one?

If you have any questions you’d like to see answered in the next book, please email them to Marilyn at [email protected] and we’ll select some to answer. You will also receive an answer from her via email. She adores her fans and responds to every email she receives. 

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