Heart on a Shoestring (17 page)

“When is his birthday?”

“March 22nd. He would be three years old next spring.” I stood. “Anyway, here I am.”

She stood in front of me and searched my face. I let her.

“I love you, Lizzy.” I brushed her hair behind her ear. “But I have to be honest, I fear having children. I don’t know if I can and I can’t ask that of you.”

“Whoa, whoa, don’t jump too far ahead. I refuse to speak of children until there’s a ring on my finger, and you know how difficult it would be for me to allow someone to slip a ring on this finger.”

I smiled. “How reassuring.”

She rocked on her heels and smirked up at me. “I’m glad I know you. All of you.”

Yes. I was too. Felt good to come out of my shell and feel the warmth of life on my skin again, albeit painfully hot compared to the hypothermic life I was used to. She reached into her pocket and handed me a piece of pink construction paper shaped like a heart with a red shoe string looped through it. I turned it over in my hands and read her note. 

My Gift to You.

My chest throbbed with a feeling I’d never felt before. A feeling I can’t describe. 

She smiled and wrapped her arms under mine and around my back, then looked up at me. “Let me love you.”

“Only if you let me love you.”

She leaned her lips close to mine. “Someone once told me that you know you’ve found the right one when both people feel like they don’t deserve each other.” She closed her eyes, then leaned back and looked at me. “Let’s love each other because we can’t help it, not because we deserve it.”

“The magnetic force is unstoppable, I guess.”

“I don’t guess. I know.”

She laid the paper heart against my chest and kissed me. Her gentle, soft lips on mine. I pulled her into me and kissed her back. And somehow, at some point in the midst of that kiss, I became a man.

They say two people become one when they get married. I don’t know. All I know is that kiss and that paper heart on a shoestring made me feel whole for the first time in my life. And that wholeness took me from my cowardice boyhood to a manhood I couldn’t deny. The best part of me, the part of me I needed, lived inside the little woman in my arms.

My true and honest better half.

We held hands all the way to Lancaster for Sarah’s welcome home party. Ella opened the door and gave me the biggest hug I think I’d ever experienced in my life. Well, as big as possible considering her pregnant belly. She scooted toward Derek and wrapped her arms around him too. “So glad you guys are finally together. I watched you hold hands from the car to the house.” She hugged me again. “I’m just so happy for you two.”

Gavin touched her belly from behind. “You sure you’re okay?”

She nodded. “Come in, come in. Sarah should be here soon. Want to see the room I made for her?”

We followed her up the creaky wood stairs and down the long hallway. She opened a bedroom door. Slivers of light danced on the floor and the white-clothed bed. Ella pointed to the art on the walls. “These are all photographs she took. And this”—she stopped in front of a beautiful portrait of a blonde woman in a field, her back to the artist—“is a painting Gavin recently made of her.” The room was bright and happy. A book shelf filled to the brim with books and picture frames of Sarah’s friends and family. A closet overflowing with clothes. And a neatly wrapped gift on the bed next to a bowl of candies.

Ella touched the candy. “I made these. Since Sarah’s cancer scare she refuses to eat sugar. So these are her favorite chocolate candies made with stevia. Took my forever to get it right.”

Derek smiled and put his arm around her. “You’re a good friend. No doubt about it.”

She tapped his chest. “What about a good sister?”

“Eh, debatable.”

She smiled. “Thank you for telling me about your past. Your baby.” She held her stomach. “I can’t imagine, but I’m here for you. And I love you.”

“I think I hear Matt downstairs,” he said, and walked out of the room.

“What you’re doing for Sarah is beautiful,” I said. “It really is.”

“I’m not doing anything more than any other person would do.”

“And thank you for always believing in Derek. He’s been through a lot, but I’ve seen a change in him since he let the truth out. I think it even changed my dad. For the first time in my entire life he called me just to ask how I was doing. I thought someone paid him to do it.”

She winced and leaned on the bed.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” she said. “Braxton Hicks contractions. Nothing serious yet. Let’s go downstairs. Don’t want to miss Sarah.”

We walked down the steps. I noticed Ella walked much slower down them than when she walked up a few minutes before. She went over to Gavin by the front door. I hugged Matt and Lydia, kissed the little one, and pulled Derek aside. “Is Ella in labor?”

“Huh? How am I supposed to know?”

“Weren’t you trained in this stuff?”

“Well, yeah. That’s what I was going to do originally, but I don’t know. She seems fine to me.”

“She’s kinda waddling and walking slow.”

“If she was in labor, we’d know it. Women in labor don’t walk around their houses entertaining guests.”

He had a point. A few seconds later everyone stood on the big wraparound porch as James and Abby escorted Sarah up to the house. She didn’t look as bad as I imagined, but definitely not her old self. The left side of her face was mostly scarred, including the skin around her eye and lips. Each step she took was labored and deliberate. From a distance, she could’ve been mistaken for her old self. But there was no mistaking the enormous smile stretched across her face.

Tears in her eyes, she embraced Ella, then looked around at the rest of us. “Thank you all for doing this. I’m so thankful to be home.”

My eyes filled up. She hugged Gavin, then Matt, Lydia, Dee, and her cousin Cheyenne. Finally she made her way to Derek and me.

“Look at you two.” She smiled and hugged me. “You look so good together.”

Derek hugged her. “You’ve always been another sister to me, even though I’ve been distant the last few years. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“It hurts a lot.” She leaned back into James for support. “Still a lot of pain and I’ll need more work done.”

“Come inside,” Ella said to everyone. “Sarah, your parents said they’ll be here a little late. They got stuck in traffic.”

Ella beamed as she led Sarah and James into the house. Abby, James’ little girl, followed behind. I tapped her on the shoulder. “Doing okay there, little lady?”

She looked up at me and half-smiled. “Yeah. Daddy says now that Ms. Sarah is back I will get to see her more.”

I smiled. We all sat in the living room talking as though none of us ever suffered. Everyone laughed and joked like friends do. The beauty of true friends, I thought. Ups and downs are all the same with friends like this. Almost as though the love is so much stronger than the circumstances that it melts the good and the bad into one big ball of life to be savored, together.

At some point in our conversations, someone screamed upstairs and Gavin dropped his glass of water all over the living room floor and ran up the steps. I scanned the room. Ella was the only one missing.

Before any of us could react, Gavin ran back down the stairs. “Derek, I need your help.”

“Me?” Derek said.

“You’re the only doctor here. Get up here.” He ran back up the steps.

Everyone stared at Derek. I nudged him. He gave me the what-am-I-supposed-to-do look.

“She’s your sister, Derek,” I said. “Go.”

He kissed my cheek and whispered in my ear, “I love you.”

I smiled as he jogged up the stairs, then stopped and motioned for me to follow. We found Ella in their bedroom. She arched her body like a rainbow and scrunched her face in pain. After a few seconds she looked at us.

“I was trying to hold off for Sarah. My contractions got really bad in the last two hours and then while everyone was talking downstairs I came up here and the contractions got really intense. I was trying to hide it, thinking they’d pass. I don’t think the baby wants to wait.” She sat on the edge of the bed and braced herself.

“We need to get you to the hospital,” Derek said.

Gavin knelt on the ground beside her and held her calves. “We called the midwife. Ella was planning on giving birth at a local birth center. Midwife said all the pressure and pain she’s having means she’s too close to get in the car. So she’s on her way here, but there’s a ton of traffic on Route 30 right now and she’s stuck in it.”

Ella arched her back again and screamed. 

Gavin stood, helpless. “What can I do, love?”

She shoved his arms away and reached for a pillow, then squeezed it as hard as she could. 

I sat beside her. “Ella, dear, try to stay calm. I’m sure your midwife will be here soon. We’ll help you until then.”

She rode out another contraction. Derek stood in the doorway, pale as a snowy morning. Gavin and I helped Ella get on her side on the bed, but the next contraction threw her into a frenzy and she ended up on all fours on the bed.

“The pressure,” she yelled. “It’s too much pressure.”

Gavin moved her skirt and peeked inside. “Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. What do we do?” He grabbed Derek. “Do something. I see blood.”

Derek swallowed so hard his entire chest quaked. He helped Ella roll onto her side, then her back, and asked me to take her underwear off and roll her skirt up. I did. He spread her legs and looked at Gavin. “That’s not blood, man. That’s your daughters head.” He tapped my hand. “Get me towels. Tons of them.”

Derek’s hand trembled as he placed it on the baby’s head. “Ella, push, nice and long, with your next contraction.”

“I can’t.” She screamed and cried as she twisted her arms behind her and gripped the headboard. “It hurts so bad. I can’t do it.”

Gavin sat beside her and looked to Derek for reassurance. They nodded to each other, which made me feel better. I gave Derek the towels and he managed to slip them under Ella during her next contraction. She closed her legs and lifted her body up, moaning in pain. If Derek ever wanted children, I think I definitely wanted the epidural.

Gavin held her right leg and I held her left. During her next contraction Derek told her to push. She squeezed Gavin’s hand until it turned red and pushed. The baby’s head looked like a bowling ball inside of her. I couldn’t imagine it coming out. Next contraction, she pushed again. The head came out along with a little blue face. I held my mouth and cried. Ella relaxed and sighed. “Is she out?”

“Her head is out.” Derek held the head in his right hand. “Next contraction, I want you to push again. Her shoulders will come out next then she’ll slip right out.”

Ella squeezed Gavin’s hand again. “It hurts so bad. I can’t push again.”

“You’re doing good, love. One more push. Try one more time.”

She lifted her back and bore down again. A shoulder popped out. Ella screamed and pushed again. Another shoulder.

“Almost there.” Derek held the baby in both hands under her shoulders. “One more.”

She closed her eyes and pushed with everything left in her. Adelaide slipped into the world. Right into Derek’s arms. Ella flopped back on the pillows, crying and kissing Gavin. My eyes were on my love, hugging the infant to his chest, blood all over his shirt. I smiled and wiped away my own tears as his tears shined on his face. His smile reminded me of a little boy. Genuine joy written across his features. Ella smiled as Derek kissed the new life in his hands, pressed his cheek against hers, whispered something, then handed her to Gavin.

Gavin placed her on Ella’s chest. She cuddled the little one, never taking her eyes off. “Can someone bring Sarah up?”

“You might want to call the midwife too,” Derek said. “See how close she is.” His voice vibrated. “You need to deliver the placenta and I’m a little apprehensive to go that far.”

I held his hand. “Let’s go get Sarah and we can call the midwife. Let these two soak up this moment.”

He followed me into the bathroom down the hall. I poured soap on his hands and rinsed them off, then turned off the water and looked at him. My eyes said two things.
I’m proud of you
and
I love you
. He must’ve read my mind because he pulled me into him and held me there. When he stepped back he kissed me and said, “That was one of the best moments of my life and I’m so thankful you were by my side.”

“It was quite beautiful.”

“It was.” He nodded and smiled. “It really was.”

The next few weeks were a blur. The rush of new love and excitement. After the initial whirlwind, Miranda and I settled into a relationship. A normal, functional relationship. Our constant bickering from the early days ceased. We read books on science and life and discussed them for hours afterward, enjoying every second of each other. Every conversation between us sparked an interesting idea and a brand new conversation. We seemed to talk forever, like we needed to catch up after all the years without each other. And I loved every second of it. Never had I met a woman as intellectually engaging as Miranda. She challenged my thoughts and opinions because she never thought inside the box. I loved it. I loved her.

I moved into the city, three blocks away from her. After we unpacked my apartment she flopped onto the bed, her pink-streaked hair falling with her. I smiled inside and sat by her feet, scanning the room and grazing her body with my eyes.

“Well,” she said. “What are you going to do with all the money?”

“I don’t know. You keep asking about that.”

“I think we should do something with it. Don’t know what.”

“I like keeping the envelopes in the car. I’d rather help a lot of people in small ways then do something big. I don’t want any spotlight if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“You should speak up about this, Derek. Write a book. I can help.”

“No way.”

“After all you’ve been through, do you honestly still believe abortion is okay?”

“Let’s not talk about that.”

“I’m serious. I want to know if you would still endorse it. What about a raped child? Fourteen years old and pregnant. Do you believe in abortion for her?”