Heart of the Nebula (37 page)

Kyla had no idea where the bridge was
supposed to be. He might as well have told her that James was on
the other side of the universe.

“
You’re safe now, dear,”
said Jessica, rubbing her back. “It’s okay.”

“
Are you sure?” Kyla
asked.

“
Positive,
dear.”

“
The pirates can’t get to
us anymore,” said Adam. “We left them far, far behind us. Soon,
we’ll be safe in the nebula.”

“
The nebula?”

“
That’s right,” Adam
continued. “The only ships that can travel through the nebula at
all are sublight ramjets like ours. No one can jump in, and no one
can jump out.”

Once again, his words went right over Kyla’s
head. At least Jessica’s touch gave her some comfort, though. She
sat perfectly still, listening to the hum of the ship.

“
It was a brave thing you
did, dear,” said Jessica. “Offering yourself up like
that.”

Kyla shrugged. “It seemed like the right
thing to do.”

“
A lot of people wonder if
James did the right thing by going back for you,” Adam grunted.
“Many lives were lost in the rescue attempt.”

“
Kyla is safe now, and
that’s all that matters,” Jessica snapped at him.

Did I deserve to be
rescued more than those people deserved to live?
Kyla wondered. The question made her
shudder.

“
It’s not your fault that
those people died,” Jessica said, as if reading her mind. “You’re
our future, dear. Of course it was right to rescue you.”

The absurdity made Kyla laugh. Only a couple
of months ago, she wouldn’t have batted an eye at the fact that so
many people had died. Back then, survival was the only thing that
had mattered to her. Then James had given her a second chance, and
everything had changed. It wasn’t just about survival anymore. Now,
things like love and self-worth mattered far more, and she couldn’t
give them up even if she had to.

Jessica gave her a hug, dispelling her
darkest thoughts. It was good to feel loved—good to know that she
was valued.

“
We’re safe now,” Jessica
said. “James will see to that.”

Yes,
Kyla thought silently.
I’m sure he
will.

* * * * *

“
How long until we know
that we’ll make it?” James asked.

Sterling sighed and shrugged his shoulders.
His eyes were droopy and bloodshot with dark bags beneath them.

“
I don’t know, Commander.
We’re working as hard as we can.”

“
The fuel problem isn’t
going to kill us, is it?” James asked, ignoring his own exhaustion.
“I mean, if you can process collected hydrogen for the thrusters,
we should be able to make our own fuel.”

“
That depends,” said
Sterling. “There’s not going to be much hydrogen until we pass
through the termination shock, and we don’t have enough fuel to
carry us through. If the drag slows us down before we’ve collected
enough, we could end up drifting without a way to jump start the
ramjets.”

James groaned. “What about the oxygen
levels? Are the life support systems fully operational yet?”

“
Almost. There are still
some problems, but nothing we can’t fix.”

“
And the fabber? If our
parts inventory is all but nonexistent, we’re going to need to get
that up and running right away.”

“
That’s going to be
tricky,” said Sterling, rubbing his eyes. “The fabber’s been
completely cannibalized. I might be able to rig something with what
we have, but for the next few months our production options are
going to be extremely limited.”

James frowned. “Limited how?”

“
Well, complex electronics
are out of the question. Unless we manage to—”

“
Never mind that, what
about the aquaponics modules? Can you get them online?”

“
I don’t know. Not for the
next month, at least.”

James clenched his fist and slammed it
against the wall. He turned and looked out the porthole window. The
starfield shimmered with the hazy purple hues of the nebula,
tantalizing them with the promise of plentiful hydrogen. Even with
the ship’s hyperfusion engines running at full throttle, it would
take weeks before they crossed Zeta Nabat’s termination shock into
that hydrogen-rich area of space—and by then they’d already be out
of food and fuel, with over eight hundred hungry mouths to
feed.

“
At least the cryotanks are
operational,” he muttered. “We should put as many people into
cryofreeze as we can, and then—”

“
And then make it easier
for you to control the rest of them,” came a voice from behind.
James turned and saw Lars standing in the doorway, his face a
picture of barely-controlled rage.

“
What are you talking
about?” said James. “I would never—”

“
You play with our lives as
if we’re pawns on a chess board,” said Lars, folding his arms. “Do
you realize that rescue attempt of yours could have all gotten us
all killed?”

“
But it didn’t. We’re
here.”

“
Yeah, and fifty-five
people are dead because of you—not to speak of all the people at
Zeta Nabat who will die at the hands of that super-intelligence you
released.”

James took a deep breath before answering.
“I did what I had to do, Lars. Did you expect me to just sit by
while the Nabattans kidnapped those girls? As captain of this ship,
it’s my obligation to see that everyone is safe.”

“
You have an obligation to
preserve our freedom, too,” said Lars. “Those girls willingly
sacrificed themselves so that the rest of us could live. It was
their choice—and you took that away from them.”

James narrowed his eyes.
“No one gets left behind on my watch.
No
one.
”

“
You speak as if this is a
military ship,” said Lars, his eyes dark with rage. “As if your
fellow citizens are your troops, here to follow your every command.
That’s not democracy, James—that’s despotism. And if you don’t step
down and start letting the people govern themselves, you’re going
to destroy everything that we stand for.”

“
I can’t do
that.”

“
Why the hell
not?”

“
Because we’re in the
middle of a crisis right now!” said James. “We barely have enough
fuel to get the ramjets running, our food stores are critically
low, the life support systems are in disrepair, and the fabbers
can’t even make a damn wrench!”

“
Then maybe we shouldn’t
make this voyage,” said Lars. “Maybe we should turn around and go
somewhere else.”

“
Like where?” James asked.
“Do you think the Nabattans would—”

“
Put it to a vote. Let the
people decide.”

James drew in a sharp breath through his
teeth. The stress was making his whole body shake—any more, and he
wouldn’t be able to think straight.

“
Are you with me or not,
Lars?”

“
I am and always have been
a servant of the people. If you truly side with the people, then
I’m your friend. But if you try to set up a dictatorship, you’ll
quickly find that I’m your worst enemy.”

“
I’m not going to ‘set up a
dictatorship,’ Lars,” James said, his voice hoarse with exhaustion.
“As soon as this crisis has passed, I’ll go straight into
cryo.”

“
And while you’re in cryo,
you know what I’ll do?” said Lars. “I’ll take this godforsaken
derelict and build the strongest democracy in the history of
humanity—so strong that when you awake, you won’t find a single
soul to support your authoritarian schemes.”

As James listened, a wave of unbearable
sadness washed over him. From the passionate light in Lars’s face,
he knew that even if they survived this crisis, their friendship
would never be what it had once been.

“
I’ll take that under
consideration,” he muttered, not able to look Lars in the eye.
“Thank you.”

Lars glared at him, as if contemplating his
final barb. Instead, he turned and left without another word.
Somehow, that was even worse.

* * * * *

Sara couldn’t sleep. The drab, empty room
that served as her sleeping quarters felt lonelier than she could
bear. Through the tiny porthole window, the ghostly orange light of
the nebula cast eerie shadows across the floor. The incessant hum
through the ship’s narrow bulkheads made her feel as if she were in
a medical bay, and the stiffness of her cot didn’t help.

I can’t stand another
minute of this,
she decided, sitting up on
her tiny fold-out cot.
I have to get out—I
have to know that I’m not alone.

James.

All at once, the longing hit her like a
knife wound in the gut. They’d been together for more than a month
now, but the only real moments of intimacy that they’d shared had
been those short, brief kisses between other pressing engagements.
What if the colony ship failed, and they both died before they
could take the relationship any further? What if she only had days
before she was separated from him forever?

She rose from her bed and pulled a shawl
over her loose nightgown. Her feet pattered on the cold tile floor
as she raced down the corridor to James’s quarters. The lights on
the ship had been dimmed to help the colonists sleep, so she guided
herself by running her fingers along the wall. The moment she found
his door, she pounded on it with her fist.

The door hissed open, revealing a
bleary-eyed James. He blinked, and the edge of his mouth curled up
in a grin.

“
Couldn’t sleep,
eh?”

She rushed in and threw her arms around him.
“James,” she said, pressing her cheek against his shoulder. Behind
her, the door hissed shut.

At first, he seemed startled, but then he
gently stroked her back. His touch felt like the first rays of dawn
creeping up over the horizon of a barren planet, bringing
life-giving warmth to displace the cold of night. She gripped the
fabric of his shirt tightly with both fists, holding on as if never
to let go.

“
Are you all right?” he
asked, his voice tinged with genuine concern.

“
Hold me,” she said
simply.

They stood in a tender embrace for several
moments, until the longing was silenced and the loneliness
numbed.

“
Here,” said James, “let’s
sit down.” He motioned to his cot, guiding her gingerly in the
darkness. The soft light of the nebula gave his skin a sensual
reddish glow. It made her want to run her hand through his hair and
feel his lips caress her neck.

“
What’s wrong, Sara? Tell
me.”

“
I couldn’t spend the
nightshift alone,” she told him. “I just… I needed
someone.”

I needed you.

He reached a hand behind her back and rubbed
her shoulder. She tilted back her head, and he kissed her ever so
lightly on the cheek. His breath was short, and his arms
trembled.

“
I’m here,” he
whispered.

She took his hand and slipped it down her
side until his arm was wrapped around her waist. With her other
hand, she ran her fingers through his hair and pulled him down,
pressing his lips against hers. He hesitated ever so slightly, as
if something were holding him back.

The shawl fell to the floor, leaving her
shoulders bare. She slipped a hand beneath his shirt and gently
tugged it upward. He kissed her again, more passionately than
before, but not as passionately as she wanted him to.

“
I don’t know, Sara. I
don’t think I’m ready.”

The yearning of her body grew to a fevered
pitch. She tried again to pull off his shirt, but he resisted.

“
Why?” she asked, panting
with desire.

“
I just…”

She ran her hands up across his shoulders
and kissed him on the neck. Her body throbbed with a passion that
refused to be denied.

“
If not now, when?” she
asked between kisses. “If not here, where?”

He took a deep breath, still holding back
but not releasing her. She pulled his head down and pressed it
against her bosom, the nightgown slipping as one of the straps fell
off her shoulder. She made no move to pull it back on.

“
Am I a monster, Sara?” he
whispered as he gently caressed her.

“
A monster?”

He lifted his head to look at her with his
sad eyes. “Countless people are dead because of me: fifty-five
colonists and God knows how many Nabattans. I—”

She silenced him by pressing a finger
against his lips. It didn’t seem to help.

“
What am I,
Sara?”

Words failed her in that moment. She knew
that he needed someone to console him, but what could she possibly
say? If he was a monster, then what did that make her?

Instead, she pulled her nightgown over her
head and tossed it on the floor. The look in his eyes as he gazed
upon her naked breasts filled her with heady anticipation.

“
Life is so short,” she
said softly. “I want every second with you to count.”

She pulled his hands up to caress her,
pressing them against her breasts. As she leaned forward for a
kiss, his passion suddenly broke. He pulled off his shirt and laid
her on her back, guiding her legs around him. The last of their
clothes came off in a tangle by their feet as every inhibition
broke down.