Heart Like Mine (38 page)

He felt his mouth fall open.
What
?

“I'm sorry to be crass, but I can't help it. Dr. Mackenzie, if you think for one second that Delaney would have, in any capacity, used you or your department like this, to somehow fortify her own career goals, then you don't know her at all.” She pointed to the cart. “Her mission, since she arrived here at Mercy, has been to
find
you money, not take it away.”

“Then why in the world did she deliver a proposal that sliced out programming she knows is vital? Why did she tell me she was going to recommend level funding this department, then go before the board and push for the opposite?”

“She
did
recommend level funding. She was shut down and asked to leave the meeting once Kevin started delivering what he called
his
proposal, which—by the way—he stole from my desk.”

“Please.” Josh rolled his eyes.

She raised her eyebrows. “Have you
met
Kevin McConnell?”

Oh, yes.
He sure had. “Yes.”

“The one thing that man wants is Gregory's job. He's frighteningly unqualified, but the only thing bigger than his hair-gel collection is his ego. He has no qualms throwing somebody under the bus if it helps him pave that path to the corner office. He
had
no qualms doing it to Delaney.”

She handed a folder to him. “
This
was her proposal. It looks
nothing
like what Kevin presented, or got voted through.”

Josh took the folder, then sat back, blowing out a long breath. After he read through it, he squeezed his eyes shut. Was this really true? Or just another layer of deception?

Megan gathered the folders, placing them back in the file boxes. “If you're wondering, she has barely slept or eaten all week. I couldn't even get her to eat a donut this morning, and I have a feeling even you know how much she loves donuts.”

He swallowed, remembering her laughing in the passenger seat of his truck, powdered sugar on her chin.

“I'm just saying. You've ruined donuts for her.” Megan shrugged. “This is not a small thing.”

She was silent for a long moment, then stood up to go. “She wasn't using you, Dr. Mackenzie. And she wasn't lying to you. That's what I thought you needed to know—what she's been trying to tell you, but you haven't let her.”

Josh stood up and paced toward the wall, his head spinning. His eyes caught on a photo he'd added to his little gallery just days ago—one of Delaney and Charlotte grinning in matching goofy braids.

He thought back to the first day Delaney had arrived on the floor, looking more like a scared kitten than a hospital executive, and then he stared at the picture. He thought of the brave face she'd tried to put on after Ian's emergency, the terror Millie had reported had been in her eyes as she'd hung on to Ian's bed, the way she'd melted in his arms at the lake.

He swallowed, turning around. Megan stood quietly, looking at the floor, arms crossed. Then he cleared his throat. “Have I—been an idiot?”

“Yes.” She smiled sadly.

“How is she—generally … with idiots?”

Megan's face sobered. “She has limited experience.”

He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “Is she here today?”

“No. She decided to take the rest of the day off—get some space.”

“Any idea where she might be?”

“I'm not sure.” Megan shrugged. “The lake is always a good guess.”

“Megan, the lake is twenty miles around.”

She raised her eyebrows in challenge. “Then I guess you'd better get going.”

Josh glanced into the hallway, where normal chaos had resumed. The floor was crazy busy. He couldn't just—leave. He had patients—a full floor of them. And yet, for the first time ever, he knew they weren't his first priority.

They couldn't be.

“I need to go find her.”

Megan nodded. “Agreed.”

Just then Millie poked her head in. “Hey. Dr. Hart's at the nurses' station. She says Therese called her in to cover for you, but Therese says she did no such thing. You know anything about this?”

Josh felt his eyebrows come together, and then he noticed Megan was looking suddenly very interested in her manicure.

He pointed to her. “Do
you
know anything about this?”

“Why would I know anything about this?” She smiled, rolling her eyes, her impression of Therese's Boston accent dead-on.

Millie turned on her. “Did
you
call Dr. Hart? Why?” Then she seemed to notice the cart full of files. “What in the world is all this stuff?”

Josh sent a look Megan's way. “Paperwork I needed to see.”

“Looks like a fire hazard waiting to happen.”

“Maybe, but I need to look through it.” He fingered the folders. “All of it. Millie, tell Dr. Hart we need her for the rest of the day. I need to—go.”

Millie backed into the hallway, her eyebrows high. “Go?”

“Yeah. Go.” He grabbed his keys, kissing her on the cheek as he sidled past her. “I don't want to be a lonely old man when I grow up.”

 

Chapter 34

“Has anybody ever told you why they named this Kizilla Mountain?”

Joshua's voice came from behind Delaney, startling her so much that she almost fell off the giant boulder she was sitting on. She hadn't seen another human the entire time she'd hiked up the mountain. What in the world was he doing
here
?

Before she could answer—or even snap her jaw back to its normal position—he'd slid his backpack off and hefted himself up beside her. She eyed him warily while he pulled out his water bottle and took a long swallow as he looked out over the tops of the firs toward Echo Lake down below.

She closed her eyes, trying to tamp down a spark of possibility that had ignited at the sound of his voice. It was three o'clock on a Friday afternoon, he had a full floor of patients, and yet—he was here, on top of a mountain … with her.

She took a breath. “Why
do
they call it Kizilla Mountain?”

He smiled. “Comes from the Abenaki. It means
maybe
.”

“Maybe Mountain?” She felt her eyebrows furrow. “I don't get it.”

“Because it's not
really
big enough to be a mountain, but it's too big to call a hill. So?” He shrugged. “Maybe Mountain.”

Delaney smiled. She'd been climbing Kizilla since she'd moved here, but had never known what it meant. Apparently the ancient Abenaki had a sense of humor.

“Nice day for a hike.” Joshua nodded, looking her way. “Much better than being at work.”

She eyed him suspiciously. “You're never—not at work.”

“I know.” He was silent for a long moment, and then he turned to her. “Maybe I've never had a good-enough reason not to be.”

The spark sputtered into a teeny-tiny flame.

“I owe you an apology, Delaney.” He shifted his body so he was looking straight at her, but he didn't move to touch her. “I hope that you'll hear me out, and I
really
hope you won't push me off this giant rock at least till after I have a chance to say what I need to.”

She smiled feebly and rolled her eyes. “Pretty sure I have enough to think about without adding murder to the list.”

“Thank you.” He looked down. “I might have preferred to have this conversation at sea level, though. Just saying.”

“How did you find me?”

“I had a little help. Megan pointed me to the lake.”

Her eyebrows furrowed. “The lake is kind of big. How'd you find me
here
?”

“I remembered you pointing up here when we were canoeing. Took a chance.” He smiled. “Lucked out when I saw your car.”

“Does Millie know you're gone?”

“Yes.” He took a deep breath. “Can I get to the apologizing part?”

“Carry on.” She couldn't help letting a tiny smile erupt. He looked so gorgeously forlorn sitting there that she was hard-pressed not to just put her arms around him and make her own apologies first.

“What is it you're sorry
for
, Joshua?”

He smiled ruefully. “The list is kind of long.”

They sat in silence for a few moments, and Delaney could practically hear the words flying around inside his head, trying to organize themselves into some semblance of order. She had a feeling they resembled the chaos inside her own brain right now.

She'd hiked up the mountain faster than her best-ever time, and the entire way up, she'd known her speed was fueled by fury and disappointment, which had somehow replaced the abject sadness that had attacked her throughout the night.

Since then, she'd been sitting here in the sun, a mountain breeze playing with her hair, her thoughts warring with one another inside her head. She'd expected answers to be clearer up here where there were no distractions, but as hard as she tried, she still couldn't figure out what to do.

For most of her childhood, she'd watched her parents build walls in a vain attempt to protect their hearts from further destruction, and she'd internalized that technique, to an extreme degree. When med school had bombed, she'd been lost. She'd had plans, dammit. Her research was going to cure the kind of heart problem Parker had died from. Or her new surgical technique was going to have families crying in relief, rather than grief. Her mission had been to do something big enough to prevent
other
families from ripping apart at the seams.

And she'd failed.

But then she'd discovered finance, and had realized that it was a different way to effect change—a better way, maybe, at least for her. If she couldn't
do
the work, at least she could help figure out how to fund it.

Two years and a fresh MBA degree later, she'd headed into her first executive office, intent on changing the world. She'd dress in nice clothes, she'd decorate a nice office, and she'd make her difference on a daily basis, without ever touching the pain that went along with working directly with patients. It was perfect.

But now, here she was, after two weeks on a patient floor, wondering if she'd missed the boat this entire time. Here she was, after three weeks of knowing Joshua Mackenzie, wondering if she'd
ever
really known her own heart.

A breeze came up, sending her hair flying over her face, and he reached up to brush it gently back over her ear. She closed her eyes, fighting not to melt into his hand.

“I'm sorry I didn't call you back, Delaney. I'm sorry I didn't have the decency to hear you out. And I'm insanely sorry that I let somebody like Kevin McConnell fill my head with lies I knew couldn't possibly be true.”

“I never lied to you, Joshua.”

“I know. I knew. I just didn't … know … that I knew.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “That doesn't make sense.”

“It does.” She took a deep breath. “I'm sorry I hurt you. The qualities I admire in you are the same ones I threw in your face. It was despicable.”

“It was honest. You were just being dead honest.” He shook his head, looking out over the trees. “And scared, I imagine.”

She didn't answer.

“I never wanted you to be scared, Delaney.”

“I know,” she whispered. “It's not your fault.”

“Do you think there's any chance we could rescind Tuesday's conversation and—I don't know—maybe find our footing again?”

She wanted to say yes—wanted it more than anything in the world right now, but if she did, they'd be right back in the same place. She had no idea what her life might look like a year from now, but she knew that in order for her to make a go of whatever her next step was, she needed to do it for the right reasons … not because it worked for somebody else.

“I don't know, Joshua. Part of me—a big part—wants to just fall into your arms, kiss you, and drag you back to Millie's cabin for the weekend. But the smaller part of me says, ‘Whoa. Hang on there, Nellie. Let's talk reality here.'” She sighed. “And for all the reasons I gave the other night, I just don't think in the end, we'd … work.”

She sighed. “I keep trying to fall for a pharmacist, or a teacher—a hardware-store guy, even. I'm looking for the nine-to-five guy, not the five-to-nine one.”

A smile played at his lips. “I'm pretty good with a hammer.”

She laughed and pointed at his thumb, which was still purple from his ill-fated attempt to dismantle the tree fort.

“Evidence says otherwise, doc.”

He raised his hand and slid it along her jaw, and she couldn't help but lean into it, closing her eyes. It just felt so … perfect.

“I'm maybe never going to be a nine-to-five guy, Delaney. But I could work toward eight to six, if you'd have me.”

She smiled. “You say that—and I appreciate it—but it's not your reality. You're at the hospital at the crack of dawn, and you don't leave till dark, unless you're needed at Avery's House.”

“Maybe I've never had a reason to stay in bed in the morning.” He raised his eyebrows, and she felt heat travel downward. “Maybe I've never had a good reason to come home at night. Right now, I come home to a big, lonely house that's populated only by memories.”

He shrugged slowly. “They're good ones, but they're just—memories. I once thought I could never picture someone sharing that space with me—this life with me. But I was wrong. Dead wrong. Did you know I haven't been able to sleep in my bed all week?”

“Why not?”

“Because it smells like you—your shampoo, your lotion, just … you.” He caressed his thumb along her jaw. “And thinking I've lost you before I ever really had you is killing me.”