Heart in Wire: A by a Thread Companion Novel (35 page)

“I pay for a hunting plantation in Aiken, South Carolina, and some other investments,” Jesse answered, “so I just need to work everything out to make sure all my other deals will allow me to continue my lifestyle and pay for those investments.”

“Do you want to keep playing?”

“Of course. I love football, but my recovery time from each game is getting longer and longer.”

“You’re scared,” Patrick stated.

“I’m not scared, but it’s reality that I’ll get hit one last time and it’d be over. I’m nervous that in a few years after I quit playing, I’ll lose cognitive functioning and fall into a depression. There are so many players that happens to.”

Patrick gave Jesse his full attention. “What’re the doctors saying?”

“I’m on the cusp of it being an issue,” Jesse admitted, then turned back to his computer.

“Then retire, become a broadcaster and we’ll watch you on TV every Sunday.”

Jesse laughed. “That, my friend, is very rare.”

“I bet you could make it happen,” Patrick challenged.

“Oh, and you know everything about NFL broadcasting?”

“I do watch it every week,” Patrick retorted. “You don’t because you’re playing. You’d be better than a lot of the guys they have on TV. Get you some pimp suits and you’re good to go. Get your agent on it.”

Jesse grinned at Patrick. “You don’t know me like that.”

“I’m afraid I do,” Patrick muttered, putting his earbuds back in his ears.

They’d flown into National, and Jimmy, Jesse’s driver in DC, took them directly to the hospital. Patrick was uneasy about seeing El. He hadn’t seen her since they’d had their very uncomfortable discussion about the baby.

Jesse led the way into El’s room, carrying a gigantic blue stuffed football. George, Miranda, and Frank were all in the room. El was in the bed, looking completely out of it.

“Stella, congratulations!” Jesse boomed as he walked into the room. “I heard he’s got everything he needs.”

Patrick knew Jesse was trying to comfort her with the knowledge that the baby was normal…healthy. According to Jesse, this had been a huge concern during the pregnancy. Patrick, of course, hadn’t known any of this until Jesse finally slapped him across the face with it, which made him feel like an even bigger douchebag.

“Thanks, J,” El said, giggling hysterically. “I’ve just been given narcotics, but I really appreciate you being here. Can you believe it? I’m going to be a really bad mom.” Real laughter from her caused Patrick to chuckle.

“You’ll be a great mom,” Patrick said without thinking.

“Patrick?” she asked, looking around the room like she couldn’t see him.

“Yeah, El.” He walked around Jesse and stood looking at her in the bed. Forgetting who all was in the room, he moved to her and cradled her head to his chest.
Fuck, it felt perfect there.
“I’m so proud of you.”

“Proud?”

“Fucking proud,” he whispered into her ear, ignoring everyone else in the room. “You’re amazing.”

El had tears searing down her cheeks. “Do you forgive me?”

He heard a throat clear and Patrick looked up to find Miranda staring at him from a chair, holding the baby. He finally snapped out of it and realized that he wasn’t alone in the room with El. When she was around, he developed a sort of tunnel vision. He cocked his head to the side, still looking at Miranda, hoping she would get that they needed to be alone. George stood next to Miranda, taking in the exchange.

Instead, Frank cleared his throat again. “Let’s get out of here for a few minutes.”

Miranda got up and smoothed her skirt down. “Yes, George, let’s get you some coffee. I want to take Liam down and show him off. Jesse? Would you like coffee?”

“Of course,” Jesse agreed, giving Patrick a sidelong glance as they walked out the door. “So George, did you pass out or what?” he asked as they closed the door to the hospital room, leaving Patrick and El alone.

“You came,” she whispered and it shattered every defense he’d been building against her since he’d left in December.

“Of course I did.” Patrick stepped back, trying to separate himself from her.

“Thank you,” she said genuinely. She reached out and grabbed his hand, pulling it into hers, making him move closer.

“El,” Patrick sighed, avoiding her eyes. He didn’t know what she wanted from him, but was pretty sure he couldn’t give it to her.

“Please forgive me,” she begged. “I want us to be right. I
need
us to be right.”

Oh fuck, she needed this from him
. She needed something else from him, and he wasn’t sure this was something he could give her. “I want to,” he admitted, and he did. He wanted to forgive them both. “I’m just as guilty as you are, El. I love you and I’m trying to get through it. I have to get through it because there’s nothing there for me. You picked him.”

“Please forgive me,” she continued to beg. “I love you too; we just need to know what that means. Loving you is the easiest thing that I’ve ever done. Just love me back. Be my person. I would do anything for you. Tell me what you need me to do.”

She loved him too? What was he supposed to do with that bullshit? She’s on narcotics. Should he even believe what she’s saying? She’s high as a fucking kite.

“I need you to let me go,” he said, and his voice cracked with so much emotion he had to clear his throat. Patrick knew that was what he needed, but he didn’t know if that was something she could give him. Patrick felt like he was moving in the right direction in Atlanta; maybe this discussion would help him further.

“Whatever that means, I’ll do it. Please tell me how to let you go…that’s what I thought I’ve been doing.” Tears fell down her cheeks and he wanted to kiss them away.

Patrick finally met her gaze, intensity filling his blue eyes. “I need to know you love me.”

“Done. I love you,” she said, her words slurring.

He chuckled. “I wanted to believe that you and I could figure out a way for us to be together, but now I know that’s impossible. Can we love each other and not be with each other?”

“I don’t know. You want to try?”

He looked down and shook his head. “You’re the most amazing, fucked up person. You’re the one I need to stop comparing everyone else to.”

“I’m sure I lose in every comparison.” She fake laughed and he hated it.

“Nope, you and your fucked up shit always rank higher. I must need therapy.”

“Patrick, you’re my person. Nothing else matters.”

“Everything else matters, El. You’re married. You have a son. This is where you belong.” His voice broke a little and El looked in his eyes again. He was letting her go. Could he let her go? He needed to, but he didn’t know if he could actually do it.

“It doesn’t matter. You tell me what you need and I’ll do it,” she implored.

“El, let’s take baby steps,” he encouraged. “I’m glad you’re okay. I love you, but I’ll deny it if you bring it up. Let me try to figure out how we can be okay.”

“Okay,” she agreed.

Patrick kissed her forehead and wished things were different, that she’d stayed with him instead of going to George, but that didn’t happen.

“I think I’m going to take a shit on the neighbor’s toilet,” she murmured.

Patrick laughed. “What? How much of the good stuff did they
give
you?!”

“Some of my favorite times are just me and you.” El raised her hand from the bed and pressed her hand against his chest. “You and me.”

He was silent. He couldn’t allow her to make him feel this way anymore, there was no more him and her. There never was.

“I’m so sorry,” she whispered before she fell asleep.

He sat down next to her and watched her chest rise and fall with even breaths, a stray wave falling across her face.

She was never mine
.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

FULL CIRCLE

Marly came into his office and sat in the chair, crossing her bare legs. They’d been friendly at the office, nothing overt, but the sexual tension was making his dick so hard it was like it was made of iron. The more he got to know her, the more he wanted to be around her and the harder it was to hide that at work.

“Hey, Patrick,” she greeted. “Jim wanted me to let you know that DC wants an update of the operation down here and because they know you, they requested you come.”

They hadn’t defined their relationship yet, but he wasn’t seeing anyone else and he was pretty sure she didn’t have time to.

“When do I leave?”

“Um, let me see…” She uncrossed her legs and he could see up her skirt a bit as she put her iPad on her lap and started tapping the screen. “It looks like Thursday.”

“Okay. I’m in the office all week anyway, so it’ll work.” He got up and came around the desk. Patrick sat on the edge of his desk, his leg brushing hers. “I like it when I can see up your skirt. Can you open your legs a little wider for me?”

Marly looked toward the door and inched her knees apart. “In your absence, let me know if there is anything I can do.” She winked at him and got up, leaving his office.

He was so fucking lucky. She was a dirty little thing and no one knew it but him.

Walking in his old office building, his brain began flashing images of Jamie. He shut it down; he had to make it through this week without having a total meltdown. He rode the elevator up and got off on his old floor, smiling sincerely when he saw some of his colleagues.

“Hey, Patrick.” David, one of the agents he’d worked with for years came over and shook his hand. “How’s Atlanta treating you?”

“Pretty good, man.” Patrick walked along the corridor with him until he turned off to meet with Kevin.

“Well, the recruits are a little softer without you around.” David slapped Patrick’s back.

“You’re missed.”

Patrick stopped in the doorway and looked at David. He was a little older than Patrick, but they’d come up in the agency together. David was one of Patrick’s favorite people in the building, he was real and honest to a fault. “Thanks, man. How about dinner or drinks this week? I’m here for the entire week.”

“Yeah, man. Just let me know what works for you. I’ll need to let Stacy know I’ll be late.” David pulled out his phone and scrolled through his calendar. “How about tomorrow?”

“Sure,” Patrick agreed. “It’s good to see you.”

David shook Patrick’s hand again and smiled. “It looks like Atlanta may be good for you.”

Patrick paused, thinking about what David said. He agreed that Atlanta was the best decision he’d made in a long time, a decision that helped him take steps away from who and what he was before. A necessary evil, he’d decided in the beginning, but now Atlanta was really starting to feel like home, or maybe it was Marly. He cleared his throat and stepped into Kevin’s office, shutting the door behind him.

Kevin looked up from some documents he was reading and smiled at Patrick. “I hear Atlanta’s going well,” he said as he got up and extended his hand toward Patrick.

They shook hands and Patrick sat in one of the chairs closest to Kevin’s desk, still unsure why he was here.

“So as you’re aware, one of our agents was shot at your house several months ago.”

Patrick nodded, his stomach getting queasy.

“Well, undoubtedly, Jamie had a little present for us if he were to die.”

All the blood drained from Patrick’s face. “What do you mean?”

“It means that your friend Jamie had someone send an entire fucking box of evidence to the FBI in the event of his death.” Kevin was looking at him as if Patrick had some sort of clue what he was talking about.

“Evidence?” Patrick was pretty sure he couldn’t come up with complete sentences.

“Yes. Audio, photos and piles of handwritten notes.”

Patrick stared at Kevin’s hands, which were clasped in front of him on the desk.

“Burns will be brought up on charges,” Kevin continued. “Based on the evidence we received, he totally fucked this kid over, time and time again. Also, the kid got evidence that Burns was the one that was selling confiscated weapons, not just in Montana, but all over the West Coast as well. This is a fucking shitstorm.”

“Why?”

“Because then the questions will come up—who is this Jamie kid? Oh, he doesn’t exist? Oh, that makes sense. Oh, he’s dead, that makes even more sense. Oh, he died twice?”