Hear Me Now (14 page)

Chapter Fifteen

Dillon

I’ve been searching for one thing since right before my twelfth birthday and it might have taken a really long time, but I think I found it.

I noticed it that day in Daniels office. The way my mom kept trying to make excuses for me despite knowing I did what I was being accused of. She might be completely out of it, but she knows the way I am and she knows a lot of the reason why I am this way. Sure, it’s not all my old man’s fault, but if he hadn’t decided that my underlying anger could be used
in an underground fight club that he could make a profit from, it might never have happened at all.

She sweeps what she knows under the rug and does everything in her power to defend me even though I’m not someone that can be defended. I might have been back when I was like ten or eleven, but now, definitely not. It’s because of the way she was in the office and the way everything has played out since that I see exactly what it is that I’ve wanted for so long but have never been able to have.

I want to be put in my place. I want someone to see the stupid way I act, the shitty things I do and deal with me in a deserving way because I’m not strong enough to penetrate my thick head with the truth on my own. Someone needs to show me the way; push me to see the wrong in what I’ve been doing and not let up until I do whatever I need to in order to change it.

Cadence did that for me. She’s the strong one. The one that can get through to me when I can’t get through to myself. Flicking me for rolling my eyes at her mom, smacking me when I moan or bitch about things that aren’t all that important, she’s pushing me to see the person that’s buried underneath all the bullshit. The kid I used to be.

It’s because of her not letting me off the way my mom does, the way even my dad does when he does get wind of something I’ve done that I’m able to do what I am now. I thought about it Friday night after I went home and I didn’t stop thinking about it until I’d written the letter to her and ended up on their doorstep.  If I’m going to make her believe in me, in her own view of me then I have to do it all the way through. I have to make starting fresh a whole experience and not just one part that centers on her.

What Kayden tried to get me to see, the person that he said he remembered me being, I don’t want to run from that kid anymore, even though he might not be the coolest and most exciting person on the planet. I want to go back to him and knock some sense into him now before he turns into something even darker in the future. I want to own the shit I did, the horror I created for four years and I want to do ev
erything in my power to fix it.

Does that mean that I don’t still feel the urge to push people that are weaker than me around? No. I mean I’m still the same guy, at least that way. There are some things about me that even though I don’t entirely agree with anymore, I can’t entirely get away from. I’m still a pretty angry guy and the urge to take that out on kids that are different than me, it’s so
damn strong, but I’ve got to push it down if I want this change to stick.

I wasn’t always such a
douche. I like to think I was a pretty decent kid before everything blew up in my face. I didn’t have the social standing then that I do now, but I did have one or two people in my life, kids like me that made life pretty damn fun. I didn’t hate people, hate wasn’t even a word I understood back then. I would hang out with anyone as long as they smiled, liked the same things as I did and didn’t mind that sometimes I seemed a little spacey.

My mom used to call me a dreamer. I was always caught up in my own thoughts, staring off into space and imagining what life would be like when I was older. All the awesome things I would do, people I would meet and things I would do to change the world. Yeah, I know, it seems like a bullshit story to me too, but it’s the truth. I saw everything in color instead of the way I am now with everything being so damn black and white.

Something happened when I was eight or nine and the color got all distorted and not long after I changed. My mom and dad were always fighting, he started drinking and she started drowning herself in the pills in order to cope with the way everything changed with them. I pulled away from all of that, the friends I had and preferred being alone to being around people. A few months before my twelfth birthday, my dad was taking me out for dinner and instead of going to get food, he took me to get my ass beat instead.

Nothing was ever the same after that and for the last six years I’ve just gone along with it, riding the wave because it’s easier than stopping, standing in place and going against the norm. I allowed myself to become more twisted with each passing day until the kid that hung out and played hockey and soccer with his friends was gone and a monster who beat the shit out of people was left in his place.

Kayden, he thinks that he made me the way I am. He actually told me that once, before he started hanging with Isabelle. It was such a random thing that at the time, I blew off but the more changes I’m trying to make, the more focus I put on it. He didn’t turn me into what I became, I did that on my own and the truth is, I think I’m the one that made him the way he was.

Talking to Cadence’s mom, I went in with no expectations. I had a lot of shit to make up for with her and the one thing I was sure of going into the talk was that she wasn’t going to believe a word of what I had to say. I was going to have to show her, the same way I have to with her daughter and well, I’ve been spending every waking moment doing exactly that.

It’s no secret that I don’t care a whole lot for authority figures. The way I feel about Daniels is proof of that. I think the guy is a total joke and I enjoy doing things that I know will piss him off. I mean the way he dealt with everything at Homecoming shows what a joke he is. It’s something that I’m pretty sure me and Kayden see eye to eye on. Instead of shutting the machine off the minute the shit storm I created started, he let it go right until the end. I mean if you want someone to take you seriously as an authority figure, shouldn’t you do things that inspire it instead of making yourself look like a joke?

Ms. Taylor though, she’s different than Daniels and I knew it before I took one step through her front door. She
wasn’t going to go easy on me. She was going to do exactly what her daughter did the first day and give me back everything I gave out. She just might be the first adult in a very long time that I can look to and actually respect and it has nothing to do with how I feel about her daughter.

~*~*~

“Alright Dillon, you have my attention. What brings you here?”

“If I told you that I’m
here because I want to change; what would you say?”

“I would say
I don’t believe that. I think you’re just looking for a way to get out of my class.”

“That’s fair.”

“Are you telling me what I believe is wrong?”

“No—well, maybe a little. When I first got thrown into your class, I saw it as a death sentence. I even told Cadence that exact thing the first day. I knew I was going to hate every minute of it. I also knew that because I didn’t give a shit what Daniels did to me, I would end up being in your class for the rest of the year because I wasn’t planning on changing.”

“And now?”

“Now, as much as I hate even admitting it because it makes me sound like such a chump, I think I’m starting to see what the point was.”

“What does that mean?”

“When Amy threw Cadence on the floor Monday, it bothered me. That’s when I started changing, but I wasn’t ready to admit it. I blew it off the same way I always do and just went back to doing the same thing the next day. I asked her to lunch because I thought that if she got to know my friends, I could get her away from the freaks. Deep down I knew that Amy and
her weren’t going to get along, but because of the way she was in class with me, I wanted to give her another option. She was somehow better than Eric, ya know?”

“I’m not sure I do
. She’s my daughter and I can get behind you telling me that you saw something in her that was great, but as far as seeing her as better than Eric or any of the others in my class, I can’t agree.”

“I didn’t think you would. I was just saying what I thought. What happened to her, what Amy did to her or tried to do in the bathroom, that’s when I knew for sure that things had to change. I had
to change, all of it just had to change. She never should have been in that bathroom or even in Amy’s line of fire. I was the one that put her there and that day, I made a decision to fix it.”

“Dillon, before you go on, can I ask you something?”

“You can ask me anything.” I answer easily. I’m standing here in her kitchen, opening up in a way that I haven’t done in years because I want to start fixing things that I’ve spent years breaking, the least I can do for being allowed this chance is to answer whatever questions she has.

“Did you tell Amy to do that to Cadence? The reason I ask is because you seem awfully guilty for someone that didn’t have a hand in what took place.”

“After Amy ran her off, I took off too. I didn’t know Amy was going to do that though I should have seen it coming knowing her the way I do. You see guilt because I’m the one that threw her into it. Even if I didn’t do it, I’m the reason it happened. I’m going to feel bad about that because it’s not right.”

“Well, I have to say, it all makes sense now.”

Now she has me stumped. I’m not sure what makes sense to her, but I’m definitely curious.

“What does?”

“My daughter. She saw something that I just couldn’t allow myself to see because of history.”

“I still don’t understand.”

“Dillon; right from the first day, she has done nothing but defend you at every turn. Even when I told her last night to stay away from you or I would force her hand and keep her in the class with me during breaks, she didn’t back down. It makes sense now. She was defending you because for the first time, you’re worthy of it.”

Cadence has been defending me the entire time? I know that I came here with no expectations, but I can’t deny that I also came with a small hope I’d be able to get through to the woman and have this work in my favor. I just had no idea that I’d be getting this too.

“Is this change in you because of Cadence? Are you doing this so that you can get close to her the way you did with Isabelle and hurt her?”

“No. Not at all.”

“I am aware of Eric and the way he feels for Cadence, so if this is your attempt at attacking that because you believe he is the reason you were punished to begin with, it needs to stop.”

“Ms. T, what I’m doing here, what I’m trying to tell you; it has to do with Cadence, but it’s not because I’m trying to use her. It’s because being around her, it makes me want to be better.”

“You mean that don’t you?”

“Yes ma’am.”

That may have been the first time I ever called an adult ma’am and I can tell by the look on her face that it was the last thing she was expecting to hear.

“Until Kayden told me, I didn’t even know Cadence was deaf. I had no idea that she was your daughter. All I knew was that there was this gorgeous girl in your class that no matter what I did, wouldn’t stop busting my balls. Um—I’m sorry about the language.”

She laughs and I let myself relax. If she’s not going to ride me about my language that I’m not gonna spend so much time stressing out about it. It’s not really what’s important anyway.

“Here’s what you need to realize, Dillon. I am fiercely protective of my students, but even more so with Cadence. I’m sure you can understand why that is. I will not allow you to hurt her or get close enough to even try. I believe what you’ve told me. I think that for whatever reason, my daughter has somehow gotten to you, made you see something that until now you haven’t been willing to, but that does not mean I trust you. Actions speak much louder than words and if you mean what you’re saying to me now, then this is your one chance to prove it.”

“Does that mean what I think it means?”

“Yes. Cadence sees something in you, something that
honestly, I just can’t see. I’m going to trust my daughter and take a step back. It doesn’t mean I’m not watching you because son, I won’t ever stop watching you, but I am willing to give you a chance.”

~*~*~

I’m pretty sure in giving me a chance, she wasn’t giving me her blessing to do what I’m about to do when class lets out, but that’s something I’m just going to have to deal with when the times comes and not focus so much on right now.

I want Cadence to be mine.

Hearing her mom talk about Eric and the way he feels about her, it got me thinking about what I would do if he somehow got close enough during this fresh start to ask her out and she accepted. I’m pretty sure I’d lose it and not in a good way. I would end up doing something stupid since it’s what I’m good at and wanting to make things right with her would be completely blown to shit.

I can’t risk that happening, which means I’ve got to jump a few steps ahead in this
new beginning and do the one thing that I’ve secretly wanted to do since she put her lips on mine at the ravine a few days before.