Hear Me Now (11 page)

I meant what I said in the letter, I want to be her friend.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I say, making light of the fact that she caught me flinching in pain. Always the tough guy, even when tough is the last thing I’m feeling.

Liar.

There she is. Calling me on my shit again. Exactly what I want her to do.

“Yeah, you caught me. I’m not okay.”

That’s better.

Not knowing what to say back to that, I just smile awkwardly and hope that she’ll say something else that can kick start this conversation. Now that she’s here, getting both of my messages, the last thing I want to happen is for it all to end before we’ve had a real chance to talk.  This is the point where I should bring up the letter that’s still sitting in the middle of her desk, sticking out just under her elbow, but I don’t because for some reason, I’m a total pussy and don’t wanna bring it up first.

Run into any more trucks lately?

She smiles as she holds up the paper and I laugh, this time doing it just loud enough so only the two of us are able to hear. The last thing I need is for her mom to catch on. I’ve got a feeling that there’d be another warning coming and this time, not because of skipping class. I don’t need to call even more attention to the way I’m acting with her daughter lately. I’m doing it enough on my own as it is.

“Not lately, no. Still healing from the last one.”

She smiles again and that’s when she lowers her head to the paper in front of her, looking back at me and then pointing down to it, her eyes zeroing in on it intently. Scribbling something on another post it note, she holds it up and this time, there’s a crinkle in her eyes, a brightness that I haven’t seen since she came here. It’s only when I see the words on the paper that I realize why.

You’re forgiven, Dillon.

Seeing those words on the paper, knowing what it means, for both of us, it hits me. The one thing I haven’t wanted to admit to, but that I’ve felt for the past four days despite my best attempt not to.

Amy was right yesterday.

I like this girl.

For the first time since I moved here, maybe even before that, admitting something like this, it doesn’t get to me the way it normally would. I’m completely okay with the admission despite knowing that liking her means shit in the long run because when her school is up and running she’ll be gone and I’d still be here going it alone.

It also doesn’t mean anything with the way her mom feels about me. I’ve made quite the name for myself and there’s no way that the woman standing at the front of the room now doesn’t hate me. I’ve more than earned everyone’s hate and I’m sure the teacher is no different.

Knowing all of this, it doesn’t stop me from what I’ve got to do next. It’s because of the way I feel, what I’m realizing that I’m not going to be able to move ahead until I do it. So instead of sitting here and going over it a hundred times and talking myself out of it, I turn to her and do the one thing I’ve wanted to do since I sat down.

“I
know it’s a long shot, but um—will you let me take you out for lunch?”

Her head lowers to the desk and I instantly think the worst. The light I saw in her eyes a second ago is gone and there’s something there in its place. Indecision. She’s not sure what the right step to take is even though she’s read my words and interacted with me the way we did from the beginning. Where I would have been pissed at that before, not getting what I wanted from a girl, this time, it makes sense.

If I were her, I wouldn’t know what to do either. I wouldn’t trust a word that’s coming out of my mouth. I want her to trust me though and if she would just say yes, I’ll do whatever I have to in order to earn it, because Cadence, she’s different.

She’s worth it.

Chapter Twelve

Cadence

If my mom gets wind of what I’m about to do and with who, I’m pretty sure she’s gonna lock me in the classroom and not let me leave until she’s ready to go home. Despite knowing that, I know what my answer is going to be to his question. I just hope that in the end, it doesn’t turn out to be the wrong one.

The last time he asked me to spend lunch with him, I ended up in the girl’s bathroom with three crazy girls attempting to attack me. That’s the last thing I want this time.  I’ve already written out my answer, which is why I turned to the paper in front of me and away from him, but looking back now, ready to answer and seeing him staring a hole into the desk, I’m not sure what to do.

Do I reach out to him and show him my answer or do I just leave it alone? Knowing the way that Dillon acts and the way he’s been with me is what makes all of this confusing. It’s like I’m dealing with two different people, so at any given time, I have no idea how to respond to him because I can never tell which one is asking or will answer.

Against my better judgment, I reach across and brush his arm with my fingers, causing him to look up. Holding up the paper, high enough so he can read my words, I watch as I’m rewarded for my move with a smile and this time, it’s one that rises all the way from his lips, past his cheeks and straight up into his eyes.

Where’d you have in mind?

Wanting nothing more than for this moment to freeze right now, so that I never have to see the smile he’s wearing disappear, I prepare myself for the disappointment that’s sure to follow the minute he responds to me. Where I’m hoping the look won’t entirely go away, I know that it can’t stay forever. The way he is; the way we are, it can’t last. It never does even though it feels pretty awesome while it’s there.

“The ravine.”

I try really hard not to do it, but I can’t help it. The minute I hear that he wants to take me to the ravine, I laugh. It’s the first move vocally I’ve made around him since I met him and just as I realize it and go to cover my mouth, his hand flies out across the space between us and holds mine in place.

“Why are you laughing?” he asks, though I’m pretty sure with the look in his eye now, he wants to call me on what I was about to do in order to silence the obvious slip up I’d done laughing at all.

I motion with my free hand down to the paper and he releases the hold, letting me write him, though I get the feeling he wants to hear me actually say the words this time instead, something that while I can do, I’m still not ready for.

The ravine has the grossest water in Wexfield. It’s brown and murky.

“Sounds like the perfect place to me.”

His words, while confusing, intr
igue me.

Why’s that?

“Never mind, it’s stupid.”

He’s not getting off that easy. Now that he’s got my mind working, trying to sort out exactly what it might mean, there is no way I’m going to let him back track and act as though he never said it at all. He should know this by now with the amount of times I’ve gotten on him during our time here.

Just tell me. I’ll get it out of you some other way if you don’t.

This is dang
erous territory for me. I’m basically flirting with the enemy and I don’t have the first clue how he’s gonna respond to it, much less what to follow it up with if he does.

“I wanna know what those other ways are later, bu
t when you said brown and murky I thought about us.”

What about us?

“We both have brown eyes and well, at least for me, all of this, it’s awkward and murky seems like another word for awkward. See? I told you it was stupid.”

It’s not stupid. It’s perfect.

There it is again. The smile from before, the one that I didn’t want to go away. What I’ve said, it’s made him happy and I’m being rewarded. He has no idea, but the way he looks right now, it’s a look that he needs to keep. It suits him.

“So you’ll go with me?”

I nod my head and hold up the paper with the word yes on it at the same time and if it’s possible, the smile gets even brighter. This might not be a smart move and if my mom found out, she might decide to keep me home for the duration after all, but with the way he’s smiling at me right now, I’m willing to take the risk.

There’s more to Dillon than everyon
e sees and despite knowing it could end badly for me in the end, I’m determined to see it through. I want to get to know the real Dillon and nothing is going to stand in my way.

Not even my mom.

Dillon

Brown and murky.

I haven’t been able to get those words out of my head since she wrote them to me and standing here now, looking at the water and seeing the familiar shade of brown, the water so clogged with dirt and garbage from years of mistreatment, they’re even more important.  She was right about the water and I was right about it reminding me of us or at least me.

There is nothing murky about her. Cadence has been the same person the entire time I’ve known her. She puts me in my place, she answers my smart ass
remarks with ones of her own and is genuinely nice while she’s doing it. Where I’m conflicted, confused and a general mess, she’s as put together as a person can be. I’m definitely the murky one here.

The first day I met her, I couldn’t get over the wa
y she looked, but I swear I haven’t thought about her or that body once in the last two days. It’s like whatever hooked me to her in the beginning is gone and it’s the parts of her that I’m left with that keep me here. The way she is makes me like the person I am when I’m with her, something I haven’t felt in forever.

It also makes me want to get to know her better, so motioning to the first bench I see after we’ve been
walking for a while, I decide that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Starting with getting her to tell me she’s deaf. If I’m lucky, once I get past that barrier, the one thing she still hasn’t admitted to, I can get to the other thing I want from her.

Hearing her speak.

Armed with the little notebook I used with Isabelle, I pass it to her the second we’re both seated and wait while she opens it and starts writing along the pages.

Why did you wanna stop walking?

Not willing to speak until her eyes are on me, knowing that anything I say will go unnoticed unless she’s watching my lips move, I think over my answer to her question. It’s a pretty simple answer, but I hope it’s not one she’s gonna hate because I really do want to get her to open up to me.

“I wanted to talk.  I need to tell you something.”

Tell me what?

“I know why you don’t talk. Well,
I know why you hate talking.”

Two things happen the minute I speak. At first she looks confused, like what I said doesn’t make any sense and when I see it, I want to try and word it the right way again, but before I can
think of a better way, I see recognition in her eyes. She knows that I know.

You know.

I nod, but instead of speaking, I look down at her hands and before I can question it, I slide my hand across until it’s resting on top of hers, barely touching but a connection all the same. I don’t have the first clue what I’m doing, never having been this close to a girl without having her doing something for me before, but I do know that I like the way it feels and I’m definitely not pulling away unless she does it first.

“I know, but I want you to tell me.”

Why? If you already know, what’s the point?

Another question with an easy answer.

“Because until you tell me, I won’t believe it.”

It’s pretty obvious it’s true.

That’s where she’s wrong. Not wanting to talk, hating the sound of her own voice the way she said, even though I know she can’t even hear it, it’s something I would expect a girl to say. Girls, even though they don’t need to be, are insecure about things like that, especially when it comes to the way a guy looks at them. It’s a pretty normal thing. At least it’s normal to me.

Every move she’s made before I found out the truth could easily be explained away as anything other than her being deaf and I’m pretty sure if she thinks about it, she’ll see that I’m right.

“That’s not true. I didn’t have a clue before Kayden told me. So, until you tell me, I’m going to pretend I don’t know.”

She frowns and despite hating the way it looks, I laugh. I’m not trying to
laugh at her, or make fun, but the way she hates what I said enough to frown is what makes me find it funny. Even now, alone with me like this she isn’t letting up. It’s actually kinda cute.

I’m deaf. Happy now?

“Yes. Well, happier anyway.”

I don’t understand.

I’ve been happy as hell since she returned my smile this morning, but I’m not sure I’m ready to let her know that yet. I’m still having a hard time dealing with the way I feel when I’m around her, so until I can come to terms with it, I’m gonna keep my mouth shut. The last thing I want to do is say anything that will end up ruining whatever’s going on here.

“I’m just happy today. There i
s something that would make me happier though.”

Her eyes raise and the minute she slides the notebook over to me, I see the question marks on the page and prepare myself for what I’m about to do. I want to hear her speak and if the way she still hasn’t pulled her hand out from under mine is any indication, I think she’s comfortable enough with me to do it. At least I hope she is, otherwise this is going to blow up in my face pretty damn quick.

“What’s the real reason you don’t talk?”

I told you the real reason.

“Maybe you told me part of it, but you didn’t tell me all of it.”

The way people look at me when I
speak; it’s why I don’t like to talk out loud. I can do it, I guess you know that too, but I hate it.

“Are you afraid I’m going to do the same thing?”

She nods this time instead of using the pad to write and my chest starts aching the second she does. She has every right to worry about that because I know I would have done it before. If I can call out and exploit weaknesses I see in people that aren’t deaf, then it’s not a stretch that she thinks I would do it to her.  I want to say that I wouldn’t judge her like that and she can say anything she wants to me, because I really do want to hear her speak, but the more time I spend thinking about it, the more I realize I can’t do that.

She wouldn’t believe me and I’m not sure I believe me either.

Words mean shit to this girl, I can tell. She knows the way I am, experiencing it herself so anything I could say right now would just go straight through her, not affecting her at all. I don’t want that. When I say or do something with Cadence, I want her to know it’s for real and it’s the truth and not just me playing a part.

I don’t want her to think I’m playing her even though that’s how this entire thing started.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

Sure.

“I wanted to stop and talk because I wanted to hear you speak. I was going to ask you to talk to me even though I know how you feel about it. I don’t think I want that anymore.”

What do you want?

This, is an easy answer, but it’s not easy the way everything else has been. It’s harder than all of that because what I’m about to say, it’s not something anyone would expect to ever hear from me. It’s going to sound unbelievable, but I want her to believe in it despite that.

“I want you to talk to me when you’re ready. I don’t want to push you into it or make you think that you have to do it in order for me to stick around. I meant what I wrote you this morning. I want to be your friend even though I’m starting to think I don’t have the fi
rst clue what a real friend is or how to be one.”

Can I ask you something?

“You can ask me anything.”

What if I said I didn’t want to be your friend?

I’m not sure what to do with this. I know where my mind goes the second she says it, but with this girl, I don’t think that anything I come up with is going to be exactly what she means. It hurts though. Her not wanting to be my friend, it hurts on a level I haven’t felt in a very long time and I don’t want to feel ever again.

“Um—that would suck, I guess. Is that what you’re saying?”

Yes Dillon, that’s exactly what I’m saying,

Right now, seeing those words on the paper, I want to get up and walk away. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking wasting my time the way I did. Sure, she’s beautiful and her attitude, the way she is makes me want to be around her and I feel things I haven’t allowed myself to feel in a long time when I’m with her, but that means shit really.

I don’t need to be feeling this stuff. I don’t need to feel at all. It’s exactly like my dad says. Emotions and feelings only turn you weak and right now, I’m the weakest I’ve ever been because her not wanting to be friends with me is killing me inside. This girl, with all her fucking issues has made me weak and it makes me sick.