Heal The Abuse - Recover Your Life (25 page)

5. I deserve good relationships.

6. I am ready to work through my issues.

7. People love me just the way I am.

8. I am ready to build a healthy
relationship.

Entry #3: What I Want In a Relationship

1. We are trustworthy.

2. We are supportive of each other.

3. We have a spiritual connection.

4. We are intelligent.

6. We are idealistic and want the best for
everyone.

7. We have big hearts and show our love for
one another by behaving in a loving manner.

8. We are willing to work through our issues
and stay together.

9. Our relationship is meant to be.

Chapter 28
–
Respect in Relationships

“To respect others is always an option, to disrespect
is always a mistake.”

-Jason Goodwin

Respect happens in relationships when we
honor one another, respect each other’s boundaries, and treat each
other in the way we want to be treated. Respect is an essential
component of a good relationship.

To respect others is always an option, to
disrespect is always a mistake.

The most obvious measure of a person’s moral
development is their actions. How do people behave when they are
experiencing hard times, feeling powerless, or difficult things are
happening in their lives?

A less morally developed person disrespects
others regardless of the way they are treated in return. Our
perpetrators fall into this category. They abused us. We may have
begged them to stop. We may have tried to please them sexually or
comply with their wishes, hoping they would leave us alone or stop
hurting us.

Someone at a moderate level of moral
development respects others only when they receive it in return.
This is the kind of mutual, two-way respect most of us expect from
our relationships.

People at the highest level of moral
development respect others, even when they do not receive it in
return. Great figures in history who exhibited exceptional
character include Jesus Christ, Mahatma Gandhi, and Martin Luther
King Jr.

It’s important to recognize that these men
were not afraid of confrontation. Gandhi organized peaceful
protests that resulted in the end of British rule in India. Martin
Luther King organized peace marches that put pressure on congress
to sign the Civil Rights Act. This landmark piece of legislation
helped move our country in the direction of ending racial
discrimination. Jesus defied the rulers of his day and questioned
the morality of the Pharisees. People of exceptional character
often inspire us to greater heights.

The three levels of moral development
correspond with three different types of relationships. The first
is a broken relationship. These relationships are characterized by
mutual disrespect. In a broken relationship, both partners
criticize and abuse one-another. Broken relationships often end in
divorce, prolonged legal battles, or even violence.

The second is a one-sided relationship. In
one-sided relationships, one partner offers respect, encouragement,
and support to the other, but receives only criticism and abuse in
return. People will only stay in a one-sided relationship for as
long as they are willing to tolerate their partner’s cruelty.

The third is a balanced relationship.
Balanced relationships tend to last, because they are built on a
solid foundation of mutual respect.

Less morally developed people often fail to
love others in a genuine way. The only time they give respect is
when they want something. Their public life as a pastor, lawyer,
doctor, or politician is the show they put on to gain public
approval. But behind closed doors, they may be very angry or
abusive.

Less morally developed people may pretend to
be the kind of person you want them to be. One of my clients told
me, “The first six months of a relationship is all an act. You
don’t usually find out who someone is until after that.”

Less morally developed people put on an act
for personal gain. In contrast, a person who loves others genuinely
wants to give of themselves. They aim to improve the health,
happiness, and welfare of another human being.

There are ways to determine whether a
partner’s love is genuine. Do they continue to love others freely,
even when they have nothing to gain? Do they become increasingly
disrespectful over time? Do they often behave selfishly or
criticize others?

It’s important to be cautious about how
quickly we give our trust in a relationship. We need to move slowly
and carefully. We need to really watch people and get to know them
first before jumping into a potentially dangerous situation with an
acquaintance, friend, or lover.

When we find partners who continue to love
freely, even when they have nothing to gain, we have probably found
someone we can trust.

Respectful people are capable of compromise.
They don’t always have to get their way. Someone who desperately
holds on to what he/she wants will eventually have to lie, cheat,
or steal to get it.

Healthy relationships are not about winning.
Winning or losing is only important when we are playing games, and
relationships are not a game. They are about growing together and
supporting one another through the good times and the bad.

The truth is that we can’t always get what we
want. Sometimes we have to delay or even sacrifice things we want
in favor of mutual goals.

How can we identify people who have
difficulty letting go? One sign is frequent arguing. If someone has
to be right all the time, or they are willing to treat others in a
cruel or demeaning way, they probably have a hard time letting
go.

Do they obsess about the way the house is
kept? Do they pick at you about your mannerisms or characteristics?
Do they frequently try to control or manipulate you? Do they often
get jealous or hostile? Do they try to keep you away from healthy
family and friends?

Controlling partners can become dangerous.
They need to have things their way and may be unwilling to respect
our choices. They will manipulate us, criticize us, or abuse us
when we disagree with them.

Sometimes controllers can learn how to let
go. They may come to realize when they are being too controlling
and decide to share power equally in their relationships. Others
are so obsessed, so manipulative, and so blind to what they are
doing that they will never stop trying to control everyone and
everything around them. We need to remember that it is not within
our power to change someone else.

Abusive people criticize us or treat us
poorly in an attempt to break down our self-esteem. One way to
evaluate our relationships is to ask, “Do I usually feel better or
worse about myself after spending time with him/her?” The answer to
this question may help us determine whether our partner is usually
supportive or usually abusive.

Abusive people say or imply that we’re not
good enough. Given enough time, they discover our weaknesses and
learn how to attack us in the ways that hurt the most. Eventually,
we begin to agree with their criticism. We start to believe that we
must be terrible, awful, worthless people.

It’s impossible to maintain our self-esteem
when we are constantly under attack. We’re only human. We’ll never
be perfect. None of us can stand up to a barrage of criticism about
all of our faults and weaknesses.

It’s important to learn the difference
between constructive and abusive criticism. The difference
generally lies with a person’s intentions. We need to ask
ourselves, “Are they trying to help me grow as a person, or are
they just trying to cut me down?” We should always accept
constructive criticism, and always reject the abusive kind.

Another way to recognize abusive criticism is
if it’s very frequent. If you get hit with a barrage of criticism
on a daily basis, there’s a good chance that your partner’s
criticism is designed to abuse you. When criticism is directed at
characteristics of your body, mind, or personality that you cannot
change, it is always abuse.

During wartime, a soldier tries to discover
and exploit his enemy’s weaknesses. In this way, abusive
relationships are like a war. Abusers try to attack and exploit our
vulnerabilities so they can break us down and control us.

Don’t believe you can win this war.
Eventually, the only ones left on a battlefield are the dead and
the injured.

In the past, I stayed in abusive
relationships because I believed that my partners would change. For
some reason, I kept making excuses for them.

I no longer accept abuse and I will never
stay in an abusive relationship again. Abuse and disrespect are not
an accident. They are intentional. When we have tried to stand up
to a partner who abuses or disrespects us and they refuse to
change, we need to end it. Our self-respect is too important.

Sometimes others fail to respect us until we
learn to respect ourselves. There are times when we need to remove
ourselves from an unhealthy work environment. We may need to cut
off contact with an abusive family member or friend. Ultimately, we
have no control over the way others choose to act. We can only
stand our ground and enforce our boundaries.

Some of us are more likely to tolerate abuse
or disrespect when we feel afraid of losing love, money, security,
or stability. But how valuable are those things when we have to pay
for them with our self-respect?

Some partners can never learn to be
supportive. They will continue to criticize us, distance
themselves, be unreliable, or maintain multiple affections.

A partner who engages in unrelenting
criticism is clearly unsupportive. Instead of building us up or
making us feel better about ourselves, they try to break us down in
an attempt to manipulate or control us.

People who distance themselves often decrease
the amount of time they spend with us or fail to return phone
calls. They say things like, “I just need some space.” Partners
like this often have issues with commitment. They may be incapable
of giving us the love and support we need.

Supportive partners want to be close to us.
Though it is healthy for each partner to maintain his/her own
interests and activities, intimacy is an important part of a strong
relationship.

People who fail to follow through on their
commitments are unsupportive. These people have a hard time taking
responsibility. It’s difficult to trust them, because you never
know what they’re going to do. They lack consistency with the way
they act and the way they feel.

Finally, a person who maintains multiple
affections is afraid of commitment. Being put on a waiting list of
potential suitors often feels demeaning and degrading. Competing
for a partner’s affections is not the kind of game most of us are
willing to play.

In summary, what are the characteristics of a
respectful partner?

They genuinely care about others, even when
they have nothing to gain. They are able to let go and consider
other people’s needs.

They help to bolster our self-esteem. They
are willing to compromise and learn. They genuinely care about our
welfare, and are willing to change their negative behaviors. We
must also be willing to change any behaviors that are hurtful or
disrespectful to them.

The best way to attract healthy partners is
to become the person we want to meet. When we have personal flaws
that make it hard for us to be faithful, honest, or respectful in
our relationships, we need to work on ourselves. As our behavior
improves, we begin to demand better from others.

Chapter 29
–
Healthy Relationships

“Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose
your neighborhood.”

-Louise Beal

We need to strive to create good
relationships. Healthy relationships build us up, support us when
we’re feeling down, and improve the quality of our lives. Unhealthy
relationships are a drain on our self-esteem, our finances, and can
end up making our lives worse than if we had simply remained
alone.

Unfortunately, there are more unhealthy
relationships in this world than healthy ones. More people get
divorced than stay together. More families argue and disrespect one
another than get along. More bosses are selfish and unsupportive
than helpful and generous. It’s important to try and surround
ourselves with healthy people.

Sometimes we don’t have good relationships
with members of our immediate family, so we need to find healthy
relationships with pastors or teachers. We need to find friends we
can trust.

No relationship is perfect, but some
marriages are stronger than others. Some friends are very
trustworthy. When we find most of what we are looking for in a
relationship, we should consider ourselves truly blessed.

People who are willing to work on themselves
and change their negative behaviors can often make their
relationships work. Some people are willing to examine their
actions, recognize their mistakes, and work to fix the
problems.

If we are unwilling to look realistically at
our own faults and do the work necessary to improve our behavior,
our relationships can quickly become one-sided. It is not enough to
admit that we have a problem. We have to be willing to make a
change. We have to be willing to learn and grow.

People with the willingness to change may be
rare, but they do exist. Have you ever known someone who truly
supported and respected others? Someone who was open to
constructive criticism and willing to work on him/herself? Someone
you really liked and admired?

Can we measure up to these standards
ourselves? Are we respectful, trustworthy, loving, and supportive?
If not, how can we work to overcome our shortcomings? What can we
do to cultivate these positive traits within ourselves?