He Comes Next (11 page)

Says Ian: Pam hit a home-run out of the park because 1) men love lingerie and can’t get enough of the stuff (need I say more?), and 2) men are very task focused. By sending your guy on a solo lingerie mission, you’re not only getting him turned-on by browsing at all the different possibilities and imagining you wearing them, but you’re also building sexual anticipation and postponing gratification.

Mission possible—sex toys
Says Janice, thirty-three, “My husband I and were never into sex toys, until I got a gift certificate to www.GoodVibrations.com at my friend’s bachelorette party. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but when I showed the gift certificate to my husband, he got really curious and eager. He asked me what I wanted, but the whole thing sort of embarrassed me, so I told him to go online and pick something—anything. ‘Anything?’ He asked. ‘Sure,’ I said: ‘I trust you. So yes, anything, whatever turns you on.’ Later that week, when I asked him what he ordered, he said it was going to be a surprise. To be honest, I was more than a little nervous. I mean, I’m not a kinky person. What if it was whips and chains or some kind of crazy four foot-long dildo? When the box finally came, I was more excited than a six-year-old on Christmas morning. I didn’t know what was going to be in there. But it turned me on to think that I was going to be at his sexual disposal and that I was going to submit to whatever he had ordered in that box. Do you want to know what was in the box? Well, I’m not going to tell you. But I will tell you this: We’ve since gone through that gift certificate and many, many more. And now we take turns surprising each other. And remember how I said I wasn’t a kinky person? Well, I guess that depends on your definition of kinky.”

Says Ian: By giving each other the license to explore their personal fantasies, Janice and her husband have opened up new realms of mutual pleasure and possibility! Sometimes a little naughty surprise can be the beginning of a whole lot more giving and getting every day.

Selecting and watching porn together
Says Nicole, thirty-one, “It always pissed me off that my boyfriends were into porn, and I had this idea from college that porn was basically for sexually immature frat boys. Then one evening my boyfriend and I were at the local video store, and we found ourselves in the porn section. He kind of gave me this ‘What do you think?’ look, and, on a whim, I said, ‘Sure, let’s go for it.’ We picked up a couple of funny titles—one was called
Hannah Does Her Sisters
—and I have to say it was sort of fun just browsing all the titles with my boyfriend, since it made me feel less alienated from the whole thing. And it turned out, watching it was actually sort of fun. The video was really cheesy, and it made us laugh. But it was also pretty hot, and my boyfriend definitely got turned on that I was turned on. And we wound up trying some of the positions they were doing on the screen, just for fun.

Says Ian: Nicole is dead on the money shot. In addition to turning a guy’s interest in porn from an auto-erotic experience to a shared one, watching porn together is also a great way to get comfortable talking about sex with your partner. After watching Hannah do her sisters, talking about, well, pretty much anything, doesn’t seem like such a big deal. But ladies, it’s important to make sure you address any concerns or reservations you may have from the outset, so the experience proves to be a positive and mutually gratifying adventure for both of you, rather than a potential source of contention. If you’re worried, for instance, that he may ignore you in lieu of the women on screen or think you may prefer completing your sexual journey unaccompanied by visual aids, discuss these possibilities ahead of time. Remember to use this as an opportunity to get to know each other’s fantasies, so it brings you closer together long after the movie ends.

Planning your own porn film, but not necessarily shooting it
Says Kim, thirty-four, “I’ve always been the type of woman who craves sexual stimulation and gets bored easily. I’m completely comfortable with sex toys, and I enjoy watching porn, both with my man and on my own. I have no problem taking charge of my own sexuality, but I’ve definitely wanted to get, shall we say, more theatrical with my boyfriend. I wanted to role play and explore some domination and submission themes, but I couldn’t get my man to open up and go there. So one day, when we were watching a porn film together, I turned it off and said we could do better. That’s when he got interested. He bought an old video camera off eBay because I didn’t want anything digital that could somehow find its way onto the Internet, and we planned the whole scene. It was really hot, a kidnapper/hostage scenario: Basically he kidnaps me, ties me up, and turns me into his sex slave. Then, when he’s sleeping, I break free, tie him up, and exact sexual revenge. Can I be honest? Just planning the movie was really hot. We even bought props and a costume for me—I wanted to play a prissy heiress. And I got really excited. I got off on the idea of tying him up and doing him, something we’d never done before. When it finally came time to make the movie, I got nervous about the actual filming. So we decided to rehearse it without a tape in the camera. We’ve since done two more films, one of which we actually put on tape. But, to me, the best part was planning and, especially, rehearsing and, of course, working out ‘the dramatic kinks.’”

Says Ian: Like the “I had a sexy dream” tip, making your own porn film is an exciting way to explore your fantasies without feeling judged. After all, if you’re making a film about a kidnapper/ hostage scenario, then you’re just exploring those themes, without having to deal with whether you really have domination/submission fantasies. Your own sense of identity or how your partner perceives you aren’t on the line. And like Kim said, so much of the fun is in the preparation. Some couples really do enjoy making sex tapes. But you shouldn’t do it if winds up making you feel self-conscious or pressured. A dress rehearsal (make that
un-dress
rehearsal) can be just as fun.

Webcam
Says Lila, twenty-seven, “I caught my fiancé downloading porn twice, and it made me angry, especially since I thought we had a great sex life. We’re very open and affectionate with each other, and it bothered me that he felt like he needed porn. Then I bought a new Mac, and I received this e-mail from Apple about how easy it was to set up a webcam. That’s when I got an idea: I decided to make my own Internet porn for my fiancé. I set up the camera and the web page in our bedroom and called him at work and told him he had to check out this website. Anyway, he went onto the webpage, and I have to tell you, my heart was pounding. I came out of the bathroom in a towel like I had just come out the shower and sat at the edge of the bed and pretended to dry off. Then I put on a pair of panties and one of his pajama tops and got into bed. I never once looked into the camera, but pretended to go about my business as usual, which just happened to include a vibrator. I had never done anything like that before, and it was exhilarating. After I was done, my fiancé called and told me not to move; he was on his way home. Later, he confessed that watching me do that was the biggest turn-on he’d ever experienced, and he made me promise I’d do it again.”

Says Ian: Kudos to Kim for making the most of technology and one-upping the Internet porn stars. Something else that Kim tapped into is the thrill of exhibitionism and voyeurism, which figure dominantly in more than 80 percent of sexual fantasies. In fact, they’re half of the big four: exhibitionism, voyeurism, domination, and submission. With those four poles to navigate, the possibilities for creative sexual exploration are virtually limitless.

Cell phone photos
Says Hank, thirty-six, “Julie’s always using my cell phone to take photos—mostly of our friends and us. But one day I got to work, and she called me to see if I had checked out the new photo series yet. I was in the middle of a meeting, but decided to give it a quick gander. Man, I couldn’t believe what I saw. I was floored: a whole striptease. I don’t know what got into her, but it was amazing. She asked me to erase them, and I said, only if you promise to send me more. Several times. I totally love the photos she takes because the angles are all funny, and she’s laughing all the way through, making silly faces…. The photos capture that combination of beauty, boldness, and shyness that makes me love and crave her all the more. Sometimes when I’m at work and feeling stressed out of my skull, all I need to do is look at those photos of my little stripper, and I feel like the luckiest guy in the world.”

Says Ian: Another winning way to make technology work for you! Hank’s Tigress excited him by building new levels of surprise and novelty into their sex lives and taking sex out of the bedroom and into the office, creating a broader landscape of desire.

Chat room fantasies
Says Amy, twenty-four, “I saw that movie
Closer
with Julia Roberts, and there’s that whole chat-room scene between Jude Law and Clive Owen, where Jude Law’s pretending to be a chick. I thought it was hilarious, and I told my boyfriend, Brian, that we should try it—we’re big pranksters, needless to say. Anyway, we signed up on a couple of chat-rooms and started creating these Internet personas—there’s Wild Blondie, Cowboy Marcos, King Cream, African Queen, and a bunch of others. It’s sort of a goof, but we have a blast, and letting our digital alter egos go wild is a real turn-on. It’s all typing, but there are chat rooms where you can actually put up a webcam and be seen while you have sex. We’re not sure if we’re ready to go that far, but we’re talking about letting Cowboy Marcos and Wild Blondie make their on-screen debut and do some ‘digital swinging.’ ”

Says Ian: Hats off, once again, to Amy and her boyfriend for using technology to bring them closer together rather than pushing them apart. And the best part of what they’re doing is not the sex simulation, but the fun and laughter they’re having along the way, allowing them to explore their fantasies safely together.

Erotic chores
Says Steve, thirty-seven, “Lisa’s always on me to wait until after dinner to start the dishes. I’m always up and washing plates, in a half-assed way, just to get it over with as quickly as possible, usually while she’s still eating. I tried to tell her that most women would be thrilled to have a guy who wants to do the dishes, but not Lisa. On top of it, it drove me crazy when she would inspect the dishes afterward. Then she told me she was going to give me a lesson in dish-washing etiquette. And I told her there was only one way in hell I’d listen: If she did it naked. Well, would you believe it? There I was doing the dishes, and she comes in wearing only a thong, bra, and high heels and says it’s time for my lesson. And, well, let me say, I listened. I scrubbed. I waited. I took my sweet old time and got that job done right. In fact, I’ve asked for a few follow-up lessons, just to make sure.”

Says Ian: Couples spend too much time quibbling about chores and not nearly enough time eroticizing the mundane and making things fun. From doing the dishes to taking the trash out in a trench coat to washing the car (hey, there’s nothing like soap and a hose, not to mention an occasional hot wax treatment, to get his engine roaring and his machine buffed), there’s erotic potential everywhere. I can’t tell you how many women have complained about guys who seem to want to have sex at the strangest times, “Like when I’m ironing or vacuuming and looking my worst!” The truth is that sometimes when you think you look like your worst, you actually look your best to us. So, make the most of it. And you’ll be surprised how extremely happy we are to lend a helping hand (and tongue).

Trimming/shaving each other’s privates
Says Cheryl, twenty-eight, “One day I was in the bathroom shaving my legs, and my boyfriend, Carl, asked me if he could shave them for me. It was really gentle and tender, and then he looked at me and asked me if he could shave more. I said, ‘Sure, if you let me shave yours.’ That was the start of a really beautiful (and sexy) ritual for us. We don’t actually shave each other because it’s too itchy, and I prefer to get waxed, but we do trim each other down there with a little pair of scissors. It’s a total turn on for both of us. Carl gets totally hot being so up close to me and carefully trimming everywhere. I sit on the edge of a chair, and he likes to go down on me and finger me too, while he’s doing it. And then he stands up, and I do him. It makes me crazy when I’m trimming him, and he’s getting harder and harder right there in my hands. We usually hop in the shower right after and have really hot, steamy shower sex.”

Says Ian: Sounds like a plan! Shaving or, in many cases, just trimming each other’s genital hair is a sexy, intimate experience. It requires trust and patience. Washing, drying, soaping, shaving are all extremely personal, private, yet nurturing acts, which are perfect for a sexy encounter. So why not make getting clean a little dirty, too?

The model
Says Cheryl, thirty, “My fiancé, Simon, is a ‘painter,’ and lately I’ve been posing nude for him. He’s done a beautiful series of charcoal sketches, and it creates a very powerful erotic bond between us. I even let him hang one on the wall, and it’s a turn-on to know that people know it’s me up there. He said I was so good at posing that I should sign up to model nude in an art class he takes on Wednesday nights. When he said it, he got this mischievous look in his eye, and I asked him if that was something that would turn him on—all those eyes on my body. He said it was, so I figured why not. Personally I thought it was a turn-on, too. If you’ve never posed nude in front of a group of twenty strangers, I say go for it. It was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done, but also the most exciting. Simon didn’t tell anybody he knew me, so it was like this sexy secret just between us.”