He Comes Next (10 page)

T
HE WHITE TIGRESS
is the Chinese term for a woman who practices disciplined sexual practices for the purpose of fostering her own health, youthfulness, and rejuvenation. The sexual principles of the White Tigress were developed in Ancient China by female Taoists, a secret society of women sexual warriors, and have been scantily documented in western culture.

Taoist author and historian Hsi Lai was given the opportunity to observe one of the last remaining White Tigresses and learn many of the secretive practices with the intention of communicating her wisdom to Western women. He writes in his book,
The Sexual Teachings of the White Tigress: Secrets of the Female Taoist Masters,
“A White Tigress may appear and function in any walk of life. She is not restricted by either her social environment or religious beliefs.”

While some of the principles of the White Tigress run counter to modern western thinking and empirical knowledge, such as the idea that absorption of male sperm by a woman (mainly through oral sex and contact with the skin) can lead to physical rejuvenation and spiritual immortality, the general approach to sex is empowered and emboldened. A woman after Samantha’s heart, think of the White Tigress as a character from
Sex and the Ancient City
.

White Tigresses were trained in “Absorption of the Male Sexual Energy,” also known as “the Dragon’s Breath:”

White Tigresses traditionally maintained sexual relationships with two categories of men, Green Dragons and Jade Dragons. The former were men who were seduced by a White Tigress purely for their semen and sexual energy. Learn to treat your guy as your Green Dragon. Use him for the pleasure he gives you. Use him for your own sexual contentment. Trust me; he won’t mind. Your willingness to initiate and your boldness in taking and making him your personal sex toy will drive him to new levels of ecstasy. He won’t know what hit him, and you don’t have to tell him. Remember, the White Tigresses were a secretive bunch, and you can keep your new identity to yourself.

The latter category of male consort, the Jade Dragon, was an equal partner to the White Tigress in sexual practices. Their sexual relationship was mutually beneficial.

So I’m telling you now to think about your guy as the Jade Dragon, at least sometimes, too. Your willingness to give and take, to initiate and receive, to communicate, express, learn, and share, will make for a sexual relationship that never stops growing, never stops venturing into unexplored avenues of secret pleasures.

As a modern White Tigress, you must learn how to find the Green Dragon and Jade Dragon in the same guy, from moment to moment and moon to moon, depending on your ever-evolving individual and mutual desires.

At the heart of the teachings of the White Tigress, however, is a willingness to make sex a critical and essential component of your life. It is allotting plenty of time and a revered place in your busy, hectic lives solely for exploring and experiencing sexual pleasure together. It’s making a conscious decision not to relegate sex to a quickie on Wednesday nights and a romp on Saturday afternoons before dinner. It is according your sexual relationship with your partner the vital importance it deserves as the life blood of emotional intimacy.

But before you can do as a White Tigress, you have to start thinking and acting like one.

So, how do you acquire this mindset? By going back and moving forward:

When it comes to sex with a monogamous partner, it’s too easy to sink into our adult mind-sets and routines, where we are no longer open to learning or experiencing anew. We become focused on our emotional needs, using sex to express those needs, to gauge our compatibility and desirability, instead of allowing sex to release us from the daily rigors of adult concerns, fears, and obligations: In her practice, the Tigress allows for periods of engaging in mild exhibitionism, periods for flirting and showing off to acquire men, and periods for secret sexual interludes. She does all this, obviously, within the context of being an adult, but attempts to be childlike in her energy and actions.

So go ahead and jump into new and secret worlds of sexual exploration. Give yourself permission to make the leap. Learn to listen without judging and take chances. Let yourself be the subject of desire, and have the confidence to know that you can give through taking, without gauging yourself through a man’s eyes or erection. Be the Tigress on the shaky bridge.

Speaking of erections, the ancient Taoist texts have a saying about the male member: “When the Tigress plays, the dragon whips its tail.”

So get playing….

I
WANT YOU
to close your eyes for a moment and try to visualize yourself as the Tigress on the shaky bridge (for all you film buffs out there, think Orson Welles’s
Lady from Shanghai
). Now I ask you to join me in taking a glorious trip back in time, back to the tumultuous days of youth when sex was still naughty—fraught with mystery, peril, excitement, danger, intensity, and above all else, newness. I want you to dig into the recesses of your memory and rediscover the inimitable joys of pleasuring and being pleasured. I want you to recall the indescribable sense of surprise, exhilaration, and passion that first time you felt, heard, smelled, watched, tasted a lover gripped in the throes of orgasm; the first time you yielded to the power of another person’s touch.

We will begin our journey where passion is born: in the mind. Because desire is the overarching framework in which the physical mechanics of arousal and release reside, it is important not to get side-tracked by attempting to memorize an encyclopedic list of sex tips and techniques. Great sex, as we discussed earlier, is like a favorite book: It’s not about speed-reading or getting to the end, it’s about cherishing everything in between. It’s about nuance, detail, surprise, adventure, suspense, mystery, tragedy, comedy, beauty, insight, and, maybe sometimes, a lick of pain. So rather than open with a description of the physiological hydraulics of arousal and orgasm, i.e., the “start” and “end” points of an interaction, I want to focus your attention on the broader landscape. Like the Tigress on the shaky bridge, I want you to go back in time and collect all those late-night longings and wicked fantasies you’ve been hiding in the attic trunk and spread them all over your bed, your couch, your shower, your kitchen counter, your taxi, your movie theater seat, your boss’ desk (hell, we’ll never tell). I want you to get ready to whisper in your lover’s ear all the dirty little secrets you’ve never dared to share with anyone else before and reignite that extraordinary sense of youthful wonder and surprise that embodies truly great sex.

These Pleasures Which We Lightly Call Physical

The French novelist Colette understood that by labeling our erotic lives as essentially physical, we greatly underestimate the significance of other personal and societal forces—from psychological to aesthetic—that influence and define our desires and liberate sex from the generic sphere, to give it lasting meaning. While taking sex out of the bedroom is an important part of integrating our sexual identities into our everyday lives, there are other ways we can keep our desire from growing stagnant. By exploring fantasies with our partners—sometimes through words, sometimes through actions—we make our erotic lives dynamic, unpredictable, as forever evolving as we are, creating an endless spectrum of possibilities for mutual discovery, pleasure, and intimacy. Redefining the locus of sex beyond the physical rudiments of arousal and orgasm also alleviates performance anxiety and can help men, in particular, truly relax and enjoy a richer, sensual out-of-body experience. So in homage to Colette’s poetic justice,

I Had a Dream

Says Jenny, a thirty-two-year-old investment banker: “I have a very creative sex life, and I owe it all to Dr. Martin Luther King. No kidding. I used to get really nervous talking about sex and fantasies with my boyfriend, Bill, and he’s also really shy about that sort of stuff, so we never said much of anything. We’re basically sexual introverts, but there was so much I wanted to explore with him, and I knew we weren’t fulfilling our sexual potential.

“Then one day I was home from work for Martin Luther King Day and I heard part of his famous historic speech on television—that whole ‘I have a dream’ mantra really stuck with me. The next morning I turned to Bill and said shyly, ‘I had a dream.’ He wasn’t really listening to me, so I said it again: ‘I had a dream—a sexy dream.’ That’s when Bill got curious and said, ‘Oh, yeah?’ and I made up this fantasy about watching him have sex with another woman.

“At first I was nervous describing it to him, but because I was supposedly ‘recounting a dream,’ it was easier than I thought it would be. I mean we’re not responsible for our dreams, right, at least not consciously? Anyway, it really turned us both on, and he couldn’t stop asking me about it. He even called me several times from work, and I let myself get more and more explicit.

“Of course it was only a matter of time before he asked if watching him get it on with another woman was something I
actually
wanted to try. I thought about it for a moment. Then I said no; it was just a sexy dream that I wanted to share with him. And we left it at that.

“But sometimes there are sexual things I
do
want to try and my ‘sexy dreams’ have become our way of breaking the ice. And Bill has suddenly begun having ‘sexy dreams’ of his own.”

Says Ian: Jenny’s “I had a dream” approach to sharing a sexy fantasy is brilliant because it gives her the freedom to express her secret desires and fantasies without feeling judged. Even when Jenny and Bill don’t act on the dreams, which is most of the time, Jenny and Bill love to talk about them before and during an encounter: And that invariably leads to great sex. Jenny’s habit of sharing her sexy dreams in the morning gives them something to think about all day and creates a strong sense of sexual anticipation.

On those occasions when there is something new that Jenny wants to try with Bill, her “dreams” are a great way of getting the ball rolling. For example, Jenny was interested in trying anal sex for the first time, but she wasn’t sure if Bill shared her curiosity, so she made up a sexy dream about it. When Bill asked her if that was something she may want to try, she said it was. And they went on to explore it together.

Jenny has definitely noticed a change in Bill’s libido, and his newfound sense of desire is no doubt tied to his increased sense of excitement for Jenny in general. Through sharing her dreams, Jenny has become unpredictable, bold, adventurous, desirous, and even a little dangerous. In short, Jenny has become the woman, maybe even the Tigress, on the shaky bridge.

As a postscript, the “I had a sexy dream” technique is also a great way to initiate a dialogue about a sexual issue that may be troubling a relationship. As an example, one woman I counseled was frustrated by her husband’s less than stellar oral sex techniques. Like many men, he was too rough and impatient. She didn’t know how to raise the subject without hurting his feelings or making him defensive, so I suggested she express her desire for change as a positive fantasy. She told her husband that she had a sexy dream that he kissed her tenderly all over her body and then slowly teased her to orgasm with his mouth. He didn’t even need to ask if that was something she wanted to try. He just did it. And it was a happy ending, indeed.

All the World’s a Stage

“In a car, at a bar, in a store, by the door”—sounds like the makings of a Dr. Seuss story. And with a little bit of imagination, there’s no end to all the fun places we can play our naughty games. So pack your toothbrush, your camera, and your favorite lacy thong because we’re off to explore the vast sexual amusement park we call desire.

Let me put it simply: For most guys, a little playful exhibitionism—being sexual in public, or semi-public where there’s a risk of being caught or observed—is like a jolt of sexual adrenaline. Not to be confused with public sex, which could get you arrested or at least seriously embarrassed, playful exhibitionism is about making the most of quick moments to stimulate the mind and get the heart pounding. Following are some noteworthy public moments that later, in private, led to momentous sex.

In a dressing room
Says Jeff, twenty-nine, “I used to hate going shopping, until I met Tammy. She turns every dressing room into our own personal peep show. She’s definitely an exhibitionist. She goes in to try something on, and then she calls me to come in and help her. Sometimes the dressing room has a door, but sometimes it’s just a thin curtain that barely shuts all the way. And Tammy likes to go shopping on weekends, when there’s always a crowd of people waiting. So she calls me in, and she’s usually half-dressed or just in her panties and bra, or in the middle of taking something off. (One time she was totally naked, and I’m sure people could see in.) But she doesn’t care, it just makes her bolder, and it totally gets me juiced. Sometimes she makes a play for my pants, but I don’t let her. I love the feeling that she just can’t wait to get me into bed with her. It drives us both so wild that we usually wind up hopping in a cab to rush home and get it on.”

In a restaurant
Says Sharon, thirty-six, “Peter’s an SVP of sales for a technology company, so we go out to a lot of restaurants with his clients and their wives. I used to get bored and annoyed during those dinners. But then I found a way to keep it more interesting and pick up the pace. I like to put my hand on Peter’s crotch under the table and give his cock a firm squeeze. Then I whisper something
really
filthy in his ear about what I’m going to do him when we get home. A couple of times, I told him I had to go rub myself in the bathroom to relieve some of the tension. Then I came back and surreptitiously brushed my fingers over his lips, so he could taste and smell my need. That definitely got the meal moving faster.”

For his friends
Says Chloe, twenty-six, “Jake’s always having ‘the guys’ over for Sunday afternoon football, and I like to wear something casual, but sexy, whenever they’re here—like a tank-top and a pair of cut-off jeans. His friends are always checking me out, and I know it turns him on to know that his friends think I’m hot. I always make sure to kiss him and hang on him. And I think it gives him a sense of power to be wanted like that in front of all his buddies.”

In a taxi
Says Sara, thirty-one, “Come on, is there
anything
better in the whole world than fooling around in the backseat of a cab on the way home? There’s something about the eyes of the cab driver in the rearview mirror that’s a real turn on. I love to kiss and snuggle in cabs or unzip my boyfriend’s fly and put my hands down his pants. Sometimes I’ll pull my skirt up high above my legs and close my eyes and let him touch me. One time I took my panties off in the bathroom before getting into the cab and handed them to Jake. It made him crazy. I know the cabbie was probably getting an eyeful, but hey isn’t that one of the perks of the job?”

In nothing but a coat
Says Leslie, thirty-four, “Last year I bought this old fur coat and felt hat at a vintage store in the East Village. Whenever I wear them, I feel like a flapper from the 1920s—I want to go dancing on tabletops. The coat falls just below my knees, and it makes me feel sexy and wild, which is saying a lot, since ordinarily I am self-conscious about my body. I’m the kind of person that likes to have sex with the lights off, or at least I used to be. So, one night my boyfriend and I went to do some midnight shopping at the supermarket, and, without telling him, I wore
nothing
but the coat and the hat. And pointy pumps of course. When I suddenly flashed him halfway down the cereal aisle, he was totally shocked and turned on. Then, as I was pushing the cart down the aisle, I kept lifting the coat to show him a little bit of this and that, and he couldn’t keep his hands off me. We went home and had sex on the floor, with the lights on, and I never took off the coat. It was definitely the best sex we’d ever had…until I found this red-hooded rain slicker and yellow galoshes at a second-hand store a few weeks later.”

With the blinds up
Says Ken, forty-two, “We live in brownstone that overlooks a courtyard—it’s straight out of Hitchcock’s
Rear Window,
with a view into everyone’s apartments. Sometimes Candace walks around naked after getting out of the shower, and I know people can see right into our bedroom. I always tell her people are watching, but instead of shutting the blinds, she shrugs it off and says she doesn’t care. Once, she pushed me onto the bed and climbed on top of me. I told her I could see strangers peering in, but that just made her bolder and more passionate. You know what? As it turns out, I’m a big fan of having sex with the blinds up, too.”

In silence
Says Howard, thirty, “Actually, this may sound crazy, but one of my favorite places to have sex with my wife is at my in-laws.’ We sleep in her old bedroom, which is right next to her parents’ room, so we have to be super quiet. If the bed even creaks once or if I grunt, my wife puts her hand over my mouth and whispers ‘Shhhhh.’ Sometimes I’ll start laughing, and she’ll cover my mouth with her hands, and then we wind up giggling hysterically. The struggle to stay quiet makes the sex super hot, and it’s an extra turn-on because she feels like a rebellious teen all over again, sneaking a guy into her bed with the lights out after dark.”

Mission possible—lingerie
Says Pam, thirty-five, “My husband’s office is right around the corner from Victoria’s Secret, and every now and then I’ll call him up before he goes to lunch and tell him to stop off and pick me out something special for later. By the time he gets home, he can’t wait for me to open the box. It’s always something super sexy, like a mesh thong or a lacy v-string. And I think it gets him extra turned-on to know that he picked it out. He can’t wait to see me try it on, and trust me, it isn’t on for very long.”