Having Hope (The Blow Hole Boys Book 4) (20 page)

I stood outside the ladies’ room ready to go in regardless of who was in there, but then the door opened, and a lady stepped out. With the door open, I could hear someone heaving inside the first stall, and I knew without seeing her that it was Hope.

I went into the bathroom and checked to make sure no other women were in the room. Peeking under the stall, I could see Hope’s black tights and boots. I jumped when she gagged, and I could hear her getting sick again.

“Hope?”

The room went silent, and then I heard her sigh.

“Go away, Chet,” she croaked.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. Please just go away.”

And then she was puking again, the disgusting sound echoing throughout the bathroom.

“Do you want me to go get one of the girls?”

She coughed. “No. Please, just leave.”

Her voice was rough and broken as she choked and gagged. And then there was a loud thump. I bent over to look under the stall again and found her lying on the floor.

She’d passed out.

I went into freak-out mode, pulling at the stall door until I heard it crack and give way. Scooping her up, I rushed out of the bathroom and toward the exit of the restaurant.

“Finn!” I called out in the direction of where we were seated. “Something’s wrong with Hope!”

I didn’t wait for a response.

Once outside, I pulled out my phone and called nine-one-one.

“What’s going on?” Lena appeared at my side, breathing hard with wide, shocked eyes.

“She passed out,” I said out of breath.

It was then that I realized everyone was circling around me. I held Hope close as I yelled into the phone that my girlfriend had passed out, and we needed an ambulance.

I was sure I was overreacting, but I didn’t care. Something was wrong. First, she was sick, and then, she’d passed out. I hadn’t even realized I’d referred to her as my girlfriend until I saw Finn grinning down at me.

I was definitely overreacting.

No sooner than the operator told me the EMS was on the way did she come to. Her eyes skimmed my face in confusion.

“You scared me, Little Bird,” I whispered so only she could hear me.

I wanted to touch my face to hers—feel her skin against mine—to know she was okay, but everyone was staring down at us.

It was then that she realized what was going on. Her nails dug into my skin as she began clawing at my chest to get free. I held her close, refusing to relinquish my hold on her.

“Let me go, Chet. I’m fine.”

But I couldn’t let her go. It didn’t matter how much she ripped at my skin, I needed to feel her close to me. I needed to know she was alive and okay.

The ambulance pulled in five minutes later. The parking lot filled with nosy people watching, prompting Hope to cuss me out even more. She had no problem playing on a stage in front of thousands, yet she hated all the attention on her.

“I’m not going to the hospital,” she said adamantly. “Nothing is wrong with me.”

“You are,” I said.

Her eyes narrowed at me.

“I think you should, Hope,” Mia said at her side as she patted her shoulder.

“I agree,” Finn said.

It was only after Finn stated his opinion that Hope finally gave in. She stood, with a little help from Tiny and one of the EMTs, and slowly walked to the back of the ambulance.

Lena was at her side, climbing into the back of the ambulance before Hope had a chance to object. I moved to follow, fully planning to go with her, but she placed her palm against my chest and stopped me.

“No,” she spat. “Stay away from me, Chet. Remember?”

She threw my words back in my face, effectively gouging out my heart and tossing it to the ground at her feet.

I opened my mouth to speak, to tell her I was an idiot for even suggesting that, but the words lodged in my throat.

Standing there, I watched as the EMT closed the back doors and the ambulance pulled away from the curb.

“They’ll take her to Medical University. Let’s head that way,” Tiny said, grabbing Constance’s hand and walking toward the SUVs.

I followed, the rest of the Sirens and Zeke and Finn right behind me. I didn’t speak. I couldn’t. The worry was paralyzing, even though I was sure she was probably just dehydrated or overworked. I couldn’t get the vision of her lying on the floor out of my head.

The waiting room was packed with broken bones, busted heads, and sick kids. My eyes scanned the space as the desire to run through the back rooms and find Hope sickened me.

My migraine cut through my brain, slicing at my nervous system and making me feel like I was seconds away from falling apart completely.

I rubbed at my temples in an attempt to gain some relief.

“Chet, I think it’s time you tell me what’s going on, man,” Finn said at my side.

I looked around to make sure everyone else was occupied and not listening, and then I nodded, keeping my eyes on the doors separating the waiting room from the emergency rooms.

“I’m in love,” I blurted. “And everything’s fucked up.”

Finn chuckled softly at my side.

“I figured as much. Love’ll do that do you, bro. I’m assuming by your actions at the restaurant that Hope’s the one who finally hooked you?”

I turned his way and took in his friendly expression.

I nodded.

“Yes, but I could never be with her.”

He reached out and grabbed my shoulder, giving it a shake.

“Why not, man? I think it’s great that you finally found a woman that can fuck you up. We all have. It’s scary at first, but it’s worth it, man. I’d love to see you settled down with a few kids. Living the minivan life and going to baseball games. Don’t run from it. It’ll catch you every time.” He laughed.

It was time I came clean with Finn. It was time he understood all my reasons for everything. I could no longer hide behind jokes and the lies of drinking and drugs. I didn’t want to lie to my best friends anymore. I just wanted to end the tour, find a quiet place in South Carolina, and die peacefully.

“I’m dying, Finn,” I whispered so the rest of the group wouldn’t hear me.

I wasn’t ready to confess to everyone all at once.

Finn’s shoulders stiffened, and he turned in his seat.

“Excuse me?”

I reached up and smoothed my forehead, hoping to soothe the terrible migraine. I hadn’t had a pain pill in hours, and I couldn’t take one with the entire crew watching my every move.

“I said I’m dying,” I repeated. “It’s a brain tumor, and it’s the reason I’ve been so crazy lately.”

“How long have you known this?” he asked.

I shook my head, knowing when I told him he was going to be upset.

“I’ve known for a while.”

Finn sighed at my side, running his hands over his shaved head.

“Why didn’t you tell us, man? We’re your brothers, and we’d do anything in the fucking world for you. You know that.” He sighed and shook his head. “No. We’ll go to the best doctors money can buy. You can beat this. I’m not worried.” He shrugged.

He sat back in his chair and rested his hands in his lap.

I closed my eyes, feeling sick that I had to tell him the rest, but knowing it was important to get it all out.

“I’ve already gone to the best, Finn. They’ve given me six months to live. I’m sorry, man.”

I couldn’t look at him, but I felt the tension in his body. I felt the sadness, and it sickened me knowing I was causing my brother so much pain.

“Six months? Have you discussed chemo? What about surgery? There have to be options, Chet. I refuse to believe the best doctors in the fucking world would just sit back and let you die!”

His voice was getting louder, drawing the attention of the rest of the group.

“It’s complicated. I just know if I only have a little bit of time left on this Earth, I want to live it happy. Chemo makes you sick and weak, and surgery has its risks. I won’t do anything to keep me away from playing the drums.”

“Fuck the drums!” he bellowed.

Zeke and Tiny stood and started our way.

“Stop, Finn. Don’t do this now, man. We’ll talk about this later.” I tried to calm him.

“Later? There isn’t much of a later now is there, Chet?”

I didn’t answer.

I couldn’t because he was right. I didn’t have a ton of time left, but I would make everything better before my grand exit.

I didn’t look at him as I stood and left the waiting room. I could feel Tiny and Zeke’s eyes on me as I left, but I needed to get out of there before Finn exploded. I understood him, and I knew he was hurting and scared. Hell, I was too. I understood he was lashing out, and I understood that it was out of fear.

The automatic doors opened for me, and fresh air moved in. I stepped outside, sucking in as much oxygen as I could, but I didn’t make it far before I leaned into the closest bush and got sick.

I thought I’d feel better once I came clean to my boys, but as it turned out, telling your best friend that you’re dying didn’t bring much relief. Instead, it made my headache worse and the guilt in my gut thicken.

The ride to the hospital was short. I felt ridiculous for even going since I was sure I’d just eaten something bad, but I was willing to do anything to get away from Chet. I hated that it felt so good when he held me, and I wanted to be away from everything involving him.

More than anything, I despised him when he acted like he cared about me since I knew he didn’t. Waking up in his arms was too much, but looking up into his face and seeing his worried expression pushed me over the edge.

I wanted to scream at him for pretending. I was sick and tired of his back and forth games, and I was done playing them. I didn’t want him near me, even if his touch made me feel better than I had since the last time he’d left my room. I was exhausted with the heartache and the never-ending thoughts, but I couldn’t make them stop.

So I climbed on the ambulance and let them take me away.

It didn’t take long for them to put me in a room, and once I settled, they sent me to the bathroom to piss in a cup. When I returned, they checked my vitals. My blood pressure was a bit high, but the nurses didn’t seem concerned. I knew it was because I was under so much stress. 

“So what happened?” Lena asked once the room cleared and we finally found ourselves alone.

“I’m not sure. I just got sick. Next thing I knew, I was waking up in Chet’s arms. He was probably just trying to cop a feel.”

“I don’t think so. He obviously cares about you, Hope. You should have seen him running through the restaurant with you in his arms. I’ve never seen a man so scared.”

I shook my head. “No, he doesn’t. Trust me, I know.”

She opened her mouth to speak again, but the doctor entered with a friendly smile.

“How are you feeling, Ms. Iverson?”

She was older but not by very much. Her brown hair was pulled back in a neat bun, and her green eyes scanned my face in an honest manner.

“I’m feeling much better. I think I might have eaten something bad.”

The doctor laughed. “I think it might be a little more than that.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“I mean there’s something in your stomach making you sick, but it’s not food,” she answered.

Still, I wasn’t getting it. I sat there staring back at her confused.

“You’re pregnant, Hope.”

The room shifted around me, and even though I was sitting, I felt like I was going to fall to the floor. Lena turned my way, her eyes clashing with mine.

“Oh, my God, Hope,” Lena said, a tiny smile tilting her lips. “First Constance, and now you. Holy shit.”

Holy shit indeed.

She was smiling, but there was absolutely nothing to smile about. This was the worst possible thing ever.

Silently, I prayed that the doctor would tell me that she was wrong and really I was dying from the West Nile virus or something equally fucked up. Anything … anything but a baby. I couldn’t make it. I’d never survive it again.

No.

“It’s Chet’s, isn’t it?” Lena asked.

Again, the room shifted.

He could never know.

Never.

The doctor, realizing that my pregnancy was not a happy surprise, picked up her clipboard and started toward the door.

“I’ll put together your discharge papers.”

I nodded, too afraid to speak.

“Lena,” I choked out once the doctor had left the room. “You can’t tell anyone. Chet can’t find out.”

“But …” she started.

“Don’t speak a word of this,” I interrupted her. “Promise me, Lena. Promise you won’t say anything.”

She nodded, biting her bottom lip nervously. “I won’t say anything. Promise.”

I sat back on the bed to stop the room from spinning, and it was then that the tears started. I never cried in front of anyone, but I couldn’t stop them. Lena stared down at me in shock, and I swiped at the tears pouring down my cheeks to try to hide them.

Pregnant.

I was pregnant.

How could I let this happen?

Hadn’t I learned my lesson five years ago?

Consequences.

I’d known the consequences, and still, I’d let him enter me. I’d let him fuck me senseless without even thinking about protection.

I was on the pill, but being on tour meant missing some on occasion.

How could I be so stupid?

How could I make the same mistake twice?

The doctor returned thirty minutes later with my discharge papers, and I listened quietly as she went over a list of things I could do to help with my morning sickness. I zoned out as I signed my discharge papers and walked out of the room.

I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t go through this again.

I closed my eyes and memories rammed into me like a bull. Memories that struck fear deep in my conscience, making my stomach roil with guilt and loss.

I was so young—so clueless—and I had no one to talk me through it. My mother was no kind of mother and called me a whore when I’d finally started to show and could no longer hide it.

My father had kicked me out for three weeks before getting drunk and welcoming me home again. Still, for months, I’d been alone in the world, feeling a baby move in my stomach and knowing I had no way to care for it and no one to help me.

I’d pushed for so long, after months of issues—high blood pressure—that required bed rest, which was hard considering my home life wasn’t the best. I stayed with friends on the nights my parents were fucked up. I’d even slept in the back of my mom’s shitty car once or twice.

I’d done all this while being pregnant. I’d done all this when I was supposed to be on bed rest with my feet up without a worry in the world. That didn’t happen, though, and after two hours of pushing, I’d delivered a sleeping baby.

Stillborn.

Lifeless.

Dead.

There were no happy cries … no wiggly bundle of joy in my arms. Instead, I’d held her, and she was still. No breathing. No sound. I had cried for an hour before the nurses took her away. And at that moment, when I set my baby—my heart—in the arms of a stranger and watched them walk away, I died. I changed forever, and I’d never been the same.

I couldn’t go through that again.

I wouldn’t.

Needless to say, I panicked inside while trying to remain as completely composed as possible on the outside. I wouldn’t break in front of everyone, but the second I was in my hotel room alone, I could let it all out. I was a wreck. I’d always been a wreck.

Everyone was waiting in the waiting room when I was released. Except Chet. I went to the group and accepted their hugs before telling them a lie.

“I had some bad chicken or something. The doctor says it will pass soon, and I should be well enough to play at our next show.”

Lena shook her head at me, knowing that I was lying, but I knew I could trust her to keep my secret for a little while. At least until I figured out what I was going to do.

Finn wrapped his arm around my shoulders and kissed my temple. It was kind of strange and out of character for Finn, but I tried not to think too much into it. He was usually a nice guy, always making sure everyone was taken care of, and it felt good to be included in his group of people he gave a shit about.

“Quit putting strange things in your mouth, girl,” Twiggy said, making the group and myself laugh.

“I will.” I grinned. 

We left the hospital and went into the parking lot. That was where we found Chet, leaning against one of the SUVs and looking pale and sick. He looked up when we got close, and his eyes connected with mine.

“Everything okay?” he asked.

I nodded. “Fucking awesome.” Blowing him off, I turned to the girls. “Can we please go back to the hotel now?”

The ride back to the hotel was quiet, but I could tell that Twiggy was dying to talk. She usually was, which meant the girls must have asked her to give me space.

“Girls, we’ll talk later,” I said to soothe over the tension. “I just want to go to my room, get a shower, and sleep for a bit.”

“That’s completely understandable,” Mia said as she patted my knee. “I bet you’re exhausted, babe.”

Panic ran through me, and my eyes flashed to Lena.

Had she told the girls?

She shook her head as if knowing what I was thinking, and I relaxed against the seat.

I couldn’t get to my room fast enough. I practically ran down the hall from the elevator and shut the door behind me once I was inside my room. The lock caught, not allowing the door to close all the way, but I didn’t care. Within seconds, the tears came, wracking me with sobs that hurt my chest. I fell to my bed and tucked my face against my knees. My tears dripped from my cheeks and ran down the front of my legs.

How was I going to do this?

Should I tell Chet?

Things were different. I wasn’t young and stupid anymore. I was an adult … one with a good job and plenty money to take care of myself. I didn’t need anything from Chet. Nothing was expected from him. I’d have to make sure he knew that before I told him …
if
I told him.

As if I summoned him, my door opened, and he walked in.

“Don’t you know how to knock?”

He stood in the doorway for a bit before moving toward me, shutting the door behind him.

I held my hand out to stop him. “No, Chet, not now. I can’t right now.”

I couldn’t be near him at the moment. I was already breaking. If he touched me, I’d crumple.

But he didn’t listen to my request. Instead, he sat beside me and pulled me into his arms, holding me to his chest as I cried harder than I had in five years.

I was so weak when it came to him. So instead of pulling away, I buried myself in his chest and let it all go. I cried over the past and the loss of my baby. I cried over my current predicament, and then I cried even harder for how bleak my future was looking. 

“Whatever it is, it’s going to be okay, Blackbird. Everything’s going to be okay,” he whispered against my hair.

He didn’t know what he was talking about. I didn’t blame him for my last loss. He didn’t even know about it. I blamed myself. I could have done more. I could have been healthier. If only I’d had a place to live and healthy food to eat, then maybe my baby would have lived, but she didn’t, and now, I was scared to death I’d deliver another sleeping baby.

“It won’t.” I shook my head. “Nothing’s ever going to be okay again.”

He wiped at my tears, making me cry even harder with his attentiveness. I couldn’t seem to stop them. The memories were hurting—the pain from all those years ago adding to my emotions—and the shock that I’d done it to myself all over again knocking my sadness out of the park.

I’d gotten pregnant by a man who wanted nothing to do with me. We’d slept together several times, but already twice, he’d told me to go away. I knew if I told him about the pregnancy, he’d make a run for it.

Maybe that was the best way to rid myself of him and all the things he was capable of doing to me physically and emotionally.

“I need to tell you something,” I said, leaning back and swiping at my tears.

He tucked wet strands behind my ears and let his thumbs linger over my cheeks.

“You can tell me anything.”

How was it possible that Chet could be two men at once?

One minute, he was telling me to leave him alone, and the next, he was caressing me and telling me to trust him.

It was time to end this. It was time to blow him away. After pushing me away so much, it was time I returned the favor. Chet needed to leave me alone, and the best way to ensure that was to scare him with responsibility.

“I’m pregnant,” I blurted.

His eyes went wide and his mouth popped open. His fingertips, which were soft and caressing just seconds before, fell from my face. He was pale, and I could see the anxiety slamming into him.

“Are … are you sure?” he stuttered.

I nodded. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

I should have known before the emergency room visit. My period was late, but I just figured I was overworking myself on the tour. I knew I was starting to feel sick, but I just assumed I’d eaten something bad. With my first pregnancy, I never threw up once. It was different this time.