Having Hope (The Blow Hole Boys Book 4) (19 page)

“I can’t let that happen, man, sorry,” Chet said, surprising me. 

“Oh, really? And why’s that?” Reed asked.

I shook my head, telling Chet to let it go, but he wasn’t having it.

“The girls sent me to grab you, Hope. They said something about needing to talk to you. You might want to head back to VIP and see what they want.”

I felt like an even bigger idiot. There I was, thinking that Chet might be jealous and that he was stopping me from going with Reed because he wanted me instead, but that wasn’t the case at all. He was merely doing the girls a favor by catching me before I could leave.

Part of me was happy that he had handed me my out. I really didn’t want to go with Reed once I had time to think it over. But the other part of me was upset that Chet hadn’t been upset about me sleeping with another guy. Just thinking about him with another woman made me upset. Life wasn’t fair.

“Another time,” I muttered in Reed’s ear before placing a soft kiss on his cheek.

I turned away without even looking at Chet and made my way back to VIP. I fell onto the couch next to Mia and shook her knee.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Chet said you girls wanted to talk to me.”

She shook her head and took another swig from her drink. “Nope. He was mistaken. I haven’t even talked to Chet.”

I looked across VIP just in time to see Chet enter and take his seat across from me. His angry gaze dug into me from across the room while he nursed his beer.

I didn’t know what the hell his game was, but I was pretty sure from that moment on, I wouldn’t be playing it anymore.

“I’m getting out of here,” I said, standing. “I’ll take a cab. See y’all tomorrow.”

And without even waiting for a reply from Mia, I left VIP and then left the club.

The hotel was ten minutes from the club, and once I was in my room, I stripped down and put on a T-shirt and a pair of shorts. I scrubbed the makeup from my face and piled my hair on top of my head.

I’d had a long day, and all I could think about was climbing into bed and going to sleep so I could stop thinking about all the bullshit. I just wanted to shut down for the night and hopefully wake up refreshed.

But that didn’t happen.

As soon as I turned off the bathroom light, a knock sounded on my door. I sighed loudly, pressing my forehead against the doorframe of the bathroom. I wasn’t sure who was on the other side, but I was hoping it was one of the girls and not Reed or, even worse, Chet.

Another knock sounded, and I moved to the door to look out the peephole, except whoever it was, was blocking the hole.

I rolled my eyes in aggravation before unlocking the door and throwing it open in anger.

Chet stood there, and the second my door opened his expression went from angry to relieved.

“You’re here,” he said.

I crossed my arms, obviously annoyed with him.

“Where else would I be?”

He shrugged. “I thought maybe you’d be with Reed.”

“I don’t have time for this,” I said, shutting the door in his face.

He caught the door with his palm, pushed it open, and strutted into my room slamming my door behind him.

“What’s your fucking problem, Hope?”

I chuckled sarcastically. “What’s my problem? No. What’s your problem?” I could feel my anger spiking. I moved to him and pressed my finger into his hard chest. “You’re nothing to me. We’re just friends, remember? You had no right to stop me from leaving with Reed, and it’s none of your fucking business if I’m with him or not!”

He grabbed my hand and pulled me into him. The liquor on his breath was strong, and his eyes were glassy. I hadn’t realized how drunk he was.

“It’s my business who you fuck,” he said, his voice sounding deadly.

His cheeks went red, and the vein on the side of his neck throbbed, threatening to burst.

“You’re delusional.” I shook my head as I pulled away from him. “I’ll fuck whoever I want.”

“No,” he spat, “you won’t.”

“You’re drunk, Chet. Get out. Go back to your room and pass out.”

He was on a whole other level at this point. I didn’t know who the fuck he thought he was coming into my room and telling me who I could and couldn’t fuck, but that shit didn’t fly with me one bit.

I pushed away from him and turned to open the door, but he moved behind me, pinning me to the wall and pressing his hard body into my back.

“You’re mine,” he growled.

His hand went into the hair at the back of my head and tugged.

“Fuck you,” I snapped.

“Fine.”

He spun me around, the room spinning with the drinks I’d had earlier, and before I could speak, his lips crashed onto mine. It was rough, his teeth nipping at my lips until I was sure I tasted blood. I didn’t kiss him back. I couldn’t keep doing this back and forth shit with him. Instead, I pushed at his chest and fought his hold.

Finally, I was able to push him back. I slapped him. My palm smashed against the side of his face, shifting his head with a loud smack.

His hand went to his wounded cheek, but instead of anger, he grinned.

“Damn, I love it when you get rough.”

Again, he pressed his body into mine, pinning me to the wall and trapping my hands above my head.

“Let me go, Chet. I’m not playing these bullshit games with you anymore.”

His eyes cleared when he looked down at me.

“Playing? You think I’m fucking playing? You think this is fun for me? It’s not. I’m in fucking agony because of you. I know I need to stay away, but I can’t get enough of you. And seeing you with Reed tonight made me fly off the fucking hinges. Just the thought of another man touching you makes me crazy.”

He rested his forehead against mine and took a deep breath.

“I’ve never been this way with a woman before. I’ve never felt jealousy like this. I fucking hate it, but I know one thing.”

I swallowed hard, still not believing the words he was saying.

“And what’s that?”

“I know I need you. You make it all go away, Hope. Please, just make it all go away.”

And then he was kissing me again except this time I couldn’t control myself, and I kissed him back. He released my hands, and I put them around his neck, pulling him to me and taking everything he had to offer.

And when he bent me over the side of the bed, ripped my shorts down my thighs, and fucked me from behind, I didn’t stop him. I knew it was wrong. I knew the following morning I’d hate myself, and I’d despise him, but my white flag was nothing but a tattered thread when it came to Chet, and no matter how many times I told myself no more, I couldn’t get enough of the things he did to me.

I’d never get enough.

I woke the next morning with Hope’s arms wrapped around me. She was warm and soft, and her naked body pressed against mine in all the right places. I could definitely get used to waking up with her every morning, but it wasn’t long before the pressure started building behind my eyes and my headache was making the room spin.

The painful reminder of why I needed to stay away from her began slamming through my mind. I’d set the limits. I’d said no more, yet seeing her with Reed had sent me on a spiral into the black. I’d lost it, and then I’d gone to her room and basically forced myself on her.

Sure, she liked it rough. Sure, we’d had some of the best sex I’d had in my entire life, but my actions were inexcusable … especially since I was the one who had demanded we stop.

But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let her leave with him. Just the thought of his hands on her made me crazy. She was mine, but I couldn’t claim her. I didn’t have the right to keep any other man from claiming her either. It was a fucked-up situation that I was sure was going to drive me insane.

She made a soft noise in her sleep and pressed into me, seeking the heat of my body. I’d never been in this kind of predicament. I’d never felt this way about anyone, and it really sucked that it was happening for me so close to the end of my life.

Part of me wanted to just come clean with Hope. Tell her that the end was near for me and explain that I couldn’t do forever with anyone. Maybe then, she’d be okay with a short-lived situation. One where we could be together physically whenever we wanted but were exclusive to each other because of my irrational jealousy.

But the other part of me, the part who didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or treat me any differently, decided that I wouldn’t be telling her anything. As it was, I was going to have to tell the guys once the tour was over but not Hope. I didn’t want her sympathy. I wanted her nails in my skin and my name on her lips when she came.

My heartbeat slammed pain against my skull with each beat, and suddenly, the dim light spilling into the room began to blur. I blinked, hoping to clear away the sleep that was glazing over my eyes, but the blurriness remained.

I stiffened, realizing that the more I blinked, the blurrier the room became. The darkness moved in, circling until I was looking at light through a very narrow tunnel. The tunnel closed and blurred with every blink until finally everything went black.

I panicked, jumping from the bed and knocking over the bedside lamp with a loud crash. Pieces of glass littered the floor, digging into my bare feet as I paced beside the bed blindly.

“Chet?” Hope’s voice broke through my panic. “Chet, what’s wrong?”

I backed away from her voice until my back slammed into what I could only assume was the wall. It was cold against my spine, making me stiffen even more.

Then I felt her palms on my cheeks, bringing me crashing back down into the darkness.

“Breathe, Chet, just breathe,” she said.

I wasn’t breathing.

I opened my mouth and sucked in a deep pull of oxygen, but still, I was completely blind.

“I can’t …” I started to tell her I couldn’t see, but then there would be so many questions. Questions I didn’t want to answer.

“You can’t what?”

I moved my head from side to side, blinking my eyes rapidly with the hopes that my vision would return.

“Chet?”

“I can’t see!” I blurted out. “I can’t fucking see, Hope, just give me a minute!”

I felt terrible for yelling at her, but I was freaking the fuck out.

She went quiet, but I could still feel her heat next to me. My fingertips touched her soft skin when I reached out, and without even thinking, I pulled her to me and buried my face into the side of her neck as if to hide from the darkness.

Her arms went around me, her palms sliding down my back as she attempted to soothe me.

“Should I call someone?” she asked calmly.

“No. Don’t call anyone. Don’t tell anyone. Just hold me.”

I wanted to pluck the words from the air as soon as they left my lips.

What kind of man was I turning out to be?

What kind of man begged a woman to hold him?

A weak one … that was what kind.

I was weak and blind … completely useless to Hope and everyone else.

I couldn’t do this anymore. This was my reality check. This was the universe telling me it wasn’t meant to be. There I was lying in bed with Hope wrapped sweetly around me, thinking about spending the rest of whatever time I had with her, and then I go blind only seconds later.

No.

This wasn’t happening.

I pulled away, breathing her in as I did, and I pressed the back of my head into the wall and squeezed my lids closed.

“Please tell me what’s wrong with you, Chet. Whatever it is, I can help.”

My head continued to beat. My panic refused to subside, but once I opened my eyes and the darkness was gone, I felt like I could breathe again. Hope stared back at me, her expression full of worry.

She was so beautiful. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman. For the first time in my life, I could see myself settling down the way the guys had, but that wasn’t a possibility. I could never let it happen.

What kind of man would I be to put that on her?

“Nothing’s wrong with me. I need to get out of here,” I said, moving around the room and snatching up my discarded clothes.

“You can see again?” she asked hesitantly.

I nodded. “Yeah. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. Don’t mention this to anyone, okay?”

“Chet, I think …”

“No!” I cut her off. “Don’t think. Just stay away from me, okay?”

She stared back at me with wide, pain-filled eyes, and my heart shattered.

“So now that the sun’s up, we’re back to that again?”

She crossed her arms over her naked breasts and rubbed at her arms.

It was the right thing to do. I was doing it for her. She’d understand that once I was dead, but until then, she’d hate me. I couldn’t think about that, though. I had to think about her, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt her, but there weren’t any other options.

“Yeah, except this time I’m serious. Stay away from me, Hope. Please,” I begged. “Just stay away from me.”

She swallowed hard and nodded, her fingers digging into the skin of her arms. “Fine. I’ll stay away from you. And you stay away from me.”

Then she moved away and covered herself with the sheet from the bed like she was filthy. I hated myself at that moment.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered as I finished pulling my boots on.

She nodded and looked away as she waited for me to leave.

I stood there, willing my feet to move, but I couldn’t. Finally, with a migraine cutting through my skull, blurred vision, and a stomach full of guilt, I left her room.

I didn’t look back. I didn’t want to see the crushed expression on her face. This was the second time I’d pushed her away, and I could only hope that when I found myself in the same weak position pushing myself against her, she’d be hurt enough to kick my ass and make me leave.

*****

I walked around for a week waiting for someone to mention the incident in Hope’s room. I waited for someone to ask why I’d gone blind, but Hope had apparently kept her word because no one said anything. Then again, people weren’t really talking to me much anymore.

Ever since I’d missed the show and Hope had taken my place, the guys had been acting strangely. And now, Constance had joined their ranks. I didn’t know what Hope was doing, but whatever it was, it was working because I didn’t even see her anymore.

Somehow, she’d managed to evade me at every turn. And while that should have pleased me, I missed her. I wanted to see her face—hear her laughter—feel her skin against mine, but I knew she had the right idea and staying away from each other was for the best.

And so that was the way my world was. I walked around with headaches while everyone around me secretly hated me and ignored me. It worked somehow, but I felt like shit for so many things.

We worked our way across Georgia, hit a few spots in Tennessee, and worked our way from Northern South Carolina all the way to the coast. And when I stepped off the bus in North Charleston, South Carolina, the familiar humidity and smell brought back a past I longed for—a past that included my boys and me barely making it but having the time of our lives—a past that didn’t include headaches and deadly tumors. I missed those days and seeing all things familiar took me straight back to those times.

I inhaled a deep pull of Carolina air and felt a sense of home settle over me. Once the tour was over and the guys were filled in, I was definitely running home to South Carolina to die. I wanted to be home when I left the world.

The North Charleston Coliseum was the place where the boys and I had gone to all our big concerts. Coming home and playing at that particular venue meant we’d really made it. I hoped all our old friends and fans who used to watch us play at The Pit would show up for the show. Seeing familiar faces would be amazing. I missed everyone and everything that South Carolina had to offer.

We stayed at the expensive hotel next to the Coliseum. I’d once tried to use the bathroom in the lobby while I camped out for Metallica tickets and was kicked out. Now, I smiled as I walked through the lobby knowing we’d be staying on the top floors of the establishment.

Things had really changed in my world, and while I had more, I couldn’t help but wish for the days when I camped out for tickets with friends and partied until the morning without a care in the world.

I settled in my room, tossing my things on the bed and jumping straight into the shower. I was more excited than I’d been in a while to go out for the night. I only hoped my headaches stayed away so I could enjoy a night in my hometown.

I met the guys in the lobby, and we waited for the Sirens to come down so we could go grab dinner in a group. I was nervous about seeing Hope again, but I think a week away was exactly what I needed to gain the control necessary to stay away from her.

I turned my head when the elevator door opened, and the girls stepped off, but from what I’d seen in the few seconds before I turned away, she looked edible. Her hair was up and messy, rainbow strands falling around her face. She was wearing a sleeveless tee with Marilyn Monroe on the front and black leather tights. She looked beyond amazing.

“Let’s do this shit. I’m starving,” Mia said.

I wanted to look at Hope. I wanted to memorize all the curves of her face and the many dark shades of her eyes, but I didn’t. I kept my head turned and followed the guys out of the hotel.

We took two separate SUVs to the restaurant, and when we were seated, I sat on the same side of the table as her, but a few seats down, which meant I wasn’t able to look at her. I did that on purpose since I didn’t trust myself not to spend the entire meal staring at her.

I was becoming obsessed.

I didn’t like it.

I poked at my food, sipping my sweet tea and missing South Carolina even more now that I was there. I looked around and smiled at the changes that had occurred. Our tour had been spent hanging out in restaurants and VIP sections, but there really was no party left. The guys were settled, and in a way, I was becoming settled, too.

I didn’t have a woman in my life since I refused to let Hope get close to me, but in many ways, I was already a taken man. I hadn’t touched another woman since Hope. I hadn’t even looked at another woman. She was all I thought about, and I knew without a doubt that I was in love with her.

God was funny that way. I’d always known he was a jokester. He had to be, considering some of the crazy shit that had gone down over time in the world, but to make me, of all people, fall in love was too much. The fact that he’d waited until I was almost on my deathbed was what I deserved for all the sins and shit I’d pulled over the years.

Touché, God.

Touché.

Halfway through dinner, Hope stood and went to the bathroom. I nibbled on my chicken and waited for her to come back, but she didn’t. The minutes ticked by, prompting me to go and check on her.