Have a New Husband by Friday (23 page)

C. Ask a girlfriend or his boss’s wife what she thinks he’d say.

D. Wait until after he’s come home from work, had his dinner, gone potty, looked through the mail, and vegged out a little in front of the TV, and then tell him about the situation and ask for his input.

Answers:
If you chose A, not a good idea. Your husband isn’t a Johnny-on-the-spot thinker, nor is he good at multitasking. When he’s at work, he’s at work, and when he’s home, he should be at home. Putting him on the spot will only frustrate and irritate him.

If you chose B, you’re going to start World War III. No guy likes being interrupted in his work with a demand for a “now” answer. You’re also likely to embarrass him in front of his co-workers.

If you chose C, look out. No self-respecting guy wants you to ask someone else what he would think. He wants the skinny from you—and straight from you—without you going to anyone else for their opinions first.

If you chose D, what a smart woman you are. You might even ramp up the interest in the conversation by making him his favorite dessert and touching him to get his attention.

2. Your husband won a trip to Hawaii at work because he met his sales quota this quarter, and you’re invited to come along. You’ve been married 25 years. Neither of you has been to Hawaii before. What do you do?

A. Go along and just enjoy being with your husband and seeing what he does.

B. Ask your sister or a friend to join you on the trip so you can shop instead of being bored while your husband is in all those business meetings.

C. Use this as a unique opportunity to take along two of your three grown children, who live in California and whom you see only four or five times a year.

D. Refuse to go on the trip and stay home because you have responsibilities to tend to and can’t leave them.

Answers:
If you chose B, guess what you’re really saying to your husband? “You have to be the most boring man I know, and what you do is boring too. I have to have someone to keep me entertained while you do your thing. Who wants to be stuck in a stuffy old business meeting when there’s beautiful Hawaii to discover? Beaches to enjoy? Shopping to do?”

If you chose C, you’re thinking relationally, as a woman is wired to do. You’re thinking,
Wow, what a great opportunity. The kids would just love this, and we’d have a free room. This is our only chance to get to do something like this as a family.
But think about it from your man’s perspective. He has shared you with those children all these years. Now is his chance to receive a pat on the back for work well done, with the woman he loves right by his side. What could get better than that?

He’s also thinking,
Boy, I can’t wait. Just the two of us alone in beautiful Hawaii, with a room all to ourselves. The things we could do together in that room. . . . Hey, I bet she’d look beautiful in a red nightie. I better check into that . . . and I’ll call ahead to have her favorite flowers in the room and some Godiva dark chocolates on the pillow too. This is going to be INCREDIBLE.
See what I mean? Behind the scenes, your big boy is working hard to please you, so don’t dash his hopes. Isn’t your marriage worth spending time with just him?

If you chose D, you might as well march yourself into a divorce court now, because that’s where you’re going to end up. No guy can take being second fiddle (or third or fourth) for long. So you have responsibilities. Everyone does. But would the world cave in if you took a respite from them for a few days to enjoy your husband? It would mean the world to him, and it would do a world of good in your relationship to get away together.

If you chose A, you certainly have your priorities straight. Chances are pretty high that, in another 25 years, you and your husband will be sitting on the porch swing, holding hands and still looking googly-eyed at each other. Now that’s love. Putting each other’s interests first and spending time together as a top priority is the glue that holds marriage together—and makes for a lot of fun along the way.

3. You woke up late, hit the showers fast, got the kids out the door to school, and are dressed and ready to whiz out the door when you notice . . .
Uh-oh.
Your husband is looking at you like he’s Bullwinkle the Moose’s first cousin, and he’s one interested fella. But you have ten things to do before 9:00 and an appointment across town at 10:00, then you’re heading to your part-time job. Sure, your husband may have the day off after working seven days straight, but you don’t. You can’t believe the look he’s giving you. The look that says,
Hey, baby, let’s have some fun.
And you know he wants the whole enchilada. What do you do?

A. Glare at him and say, “Do I look like I want to fool around? Can’t you see I’m dressed already and I need to get out the door?”

B. Cajole him by saying, “Honey, not now. But if you’re patient, I have some time in early March available.”

C. Walk up to him, grab his antlers in a very affirming manner, and then use your creativity. Then lean over and whisper in his ear, “And there will be more where that came from—a whole lot more—when I get home tonight.” End your little session with a passionate kiss before you walk out the door.

D. Just ignore him and whiz out the door. After all, you’ve been married 12 years. He can wait.

Answers:
If you chose A, you just told your husband that he’s the last priority on your to-do list, and you just shut down any romantic notions he’s going to have toward you for a while. Is that really worth it? Couldn’t some of those errands wait? If you skipped one or two and had a roll in the sack with your husband, I bet both he and you would go about your day a lot happier.

If you chose B, it’s because you, as a woman, are the schedule queen of the universe. You’re the multitasking genius who somehow makes all of life work not only for yourself but for everyone in the family. Maybe you’re saying “not now” because you know there’s no time to take another shower. So why not use your creativity? What you could accomplish in five minutes or less probably wouldn’t cramp your schedule too much. And your husband would be grinning ear to ear like a cross-eyed Siamese cat as he even does some of your errands for the day.

If you chose D, simply said, your marriage is in trouble. If you ignore your man, he’ll find someone else who’ll listen to him, respect him, and fulfill his needs. Is that really what you want?

If you chose C, you know what your man needs—and you’ll still step out the door looking like you could be on the cover of
Glamour
magazine. Even better, you’ve left behind an emotionally satisfied man who is glad you can be the flexible woman you are. And guess what? When you get home that night, he might even have the house cleaned and dinner made—and he’ll be all too willing to help you pack the kids off to bed just a little early. That ought to put a smile on both of your faces.

4. You find a note your husband wrote at 6:00 in the morning to your daughter, who’s going away that day for a retreat. It’s the sweetest, kindest, most touching note a dad could write to a daughter. What do you do?

A. Show your girlfriends the note over lunch.

B. Wait until you see your husband that night, give him a warm hug and a passionate kiss, and look him in the eye. Say, “That was an awesome note you wrote our daughter. I know she really appreciated that. I can’t believe how lucky I am to be married to a man like you!”

C. Frame it and hang it in your daughter’s room so when she comes home it will be on her wall.

D. Call your husband at work and tell him how sweet the note is, and that it made you cry.

Answers:
If you chose A, you just might embarrass your guy. Sure, it’s good to pass on good gossip about what your husband does (that will make him puff up happily when he hears about it), but that note revealed a sensitive side of your husband that he’s comfortable showing only to you and your daughter. Some things are best not shared, even with good girlfriends.

If you chose C, you’re majorly overdoing it. That note is a special correspondence between dad and daughter. Let your daughter decide what she wants to do with it. It doesn’t need to be emblazoned on the wall for the world to see.

If you chose D, you’re interrupting your man’s workday with an emotional tidbit—something he, as a guy, is not comfortable dealing with at home, much less at work, where he has to be on task and focused.

If you chose B, you hit the nail on the head. You’re meeting your husband’s top needs of being respected, needed, and fulfilled just in that little interlude. And I bet he’ll think,
And I’m pretty lucky to be married to a woman like you too.

5. Planning family vacations is important to you, and you have something very special in mind for this summer. You want to get it scheduled. You asked your husband two days ago but haven’t gotten anything even remotely resembling an answer out of him. What do you say?

A. “Hey, bucko, I asked you a question two days ago, and I expect an answer.”

B. “I feel very hurt and disrespected that you haven’t shared with me any of your thoughts about our trip.”

C. “Hey, honey, could we revisit that question I asked you the other day? About our possible vacation? Could you give me a little idea of what you’re thinking? I’d really appreciate it.”

D. “Now listen, buddy. I don’t know if you realize it, but that trip is seven and a half months away, and I need to make plans. I have to get going to get the best plane reservations.”

Answers:
If you chose A, then “buckette,” you’re in trouble. Would you want him to approach you that way? The golden rule applies: treat others as you yourself would want to be treated.

If you chose B, you play a good martyr, don’t you? In playing the role of the hurt and offended one, all you’ll succeed in doing is shutting down your husband. You’re not going to get anything out of your guy. No way, Jose.

If you chose D, then you’re not your husband’s partner, you’re his worst enemy. You’re treating him like he’s the one stopping all your best-laid plans. Then again, are you sure they’re your bestlaid plans? Have you thought them all the way through, as your husband is probably doing?

If you chose C, you’re right on the money. When your husband receives information from you, it goes in the computer between his ears. He then needs to process that information, and that will take time. That’s the nature of the male beast you married. If you approach him with respect, in this way, you’ll find out he truly has been mulling it over—and I bet he has some good ideas.

6. You want to show your husband you really care about him. What do you do?

A. Give him a 20-minute dissertation during the middle of Monday Night Football about how important he is to you.

B. Make him his favorite meal with his favorite dessert.

C. Send the kids to Grandma’s for the night as a surprise and plan a hot rendezvous.

D. Show that you respect him, need him, and enjoy fulfilling him as your lifelong partner.

Answers:
If you chose A, I have two things to say to you: you need to learn the importance of timing, and you need to shorten your word count. Monday Night Football is sacred to most guys, so don’t mess with it. You’ll just irritate him by talking during the play-by-plays (even if you’re saying wonderful things) or obscuring his view of the big screen. You might get a word in edgewise during commercials or halftime, but then those times are usually his potty and snack breaks. So why not pick a time when you can have his full attention, without football competing? Then touch him gently and you’ll get his attention. Limit your words to about a tenth of what you’d usually say, and I guarantee you he’ll hear every one.

If you chose B, you’re right. The old adage is true: the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. There’s nothing better to a guy than coming home and smelling dinner cooking and cookies baking, and having a wife who’s welcoming. No, you don’t have to be Susie Homemaker. Some women love to cook; others hate it. I know a woman who can’t bake a lick, but she can whip up a mean batch of chocolate chip cookies from those little tubes from the grocery store. But putting yourself out a little for your guy will reap big dividends for you and your relationship. You’ll have a man who’s willing to do anything for you.

If you chose C, you’re right. There’s nothing like a little one-on-one time with the man you’ve chosen for a lifetime. Everything else—dusting, reports for work, and walking the dog—can wait. Put on that little number that’s been waiting in the back of your closet and see how much fun you and your spouse can pack into an evening.

If you chose D, you’re right. You truly understand the top three needs of your man—to be respected, to be needed, and to be fulfilled. That’s the recipe for a lifetime of marital bliss.

If you don’t get 5 out of 6 right on this quiz, go back and read the book again.

Notes

Monday: Secrets Revealed

1
. Paul Candon, “Brain Structure May Influence Male-Female Behavior Differences,” New York Times Syndicate, December 15, 1999,
http://nytsyn.com.

2
. Jane Everhart, “Male, Female Differences Can Impact Treatment Regimens,” New York Times Syndicate, December 28, 1999,
http://nytsyn.com.

3
. Ibid.

4
. Jennifer Cox, ed., “Understanding the Human Brain,”
Children’s Britannica
, Encyclopedia Britannica, Inc., 1996, 136–41, December 7, 2008,
http://www.sfu
.ca/~dkimura/articles/britan.htm.

5
. “Left Brain Memory Activity Stronger in Women, Right Brain in Men,” OBGYN .net, August 7, 2004,
http://www.obgyn.net/newsheadlines/womens_health-
Neurology-20040807-77.asp.

6
. “Right Brain v. Left Brain,”
Herald Sun
, October 9, 2007,
http://www.news.com
.au/heraldsun/story/0,,22556281-5006123,00.html.

7
. Ibid. For a fun test of whether you’re right-brain or left-brain dominant, go to
http://www.news.com.au/dailytelegraph/story/0,,22744841-5012895,00.html.

8
. Dr. Lena Sun, “Gender Differences in Pain Sensitivity and Responses to Analgesia,”
Journal of Gender-Specific Medicine
1 (September 1998): 28–30.