Harmony (17 page)

       I hung up the phone and averted my eyes from Ian’s amused ones. “That was painful,” I muttered to myself.

       We drove that morning to the next town to pick up a few essentials for me since I was planning on staying for at least another day. I appreciated Ian’s things, but I couldn’t see lounging around in his sweatpants for long. I didn’t want to be alone, and truth be told, I didn’t think Ian was quite ready to leave me alone either; he was still feeling guilty over the attack on me. We found a Sears catalog store, and Ian kindly purchased a pair of pants, shirt, and pajamas for me. It was mildly embarrassing when he paid for the more delicate items for me. I was
mortified.

       On the drive back, Ian said, “I was thinking that I might know of a way to help you control your power. I remember what helped me after I decided to abstain from human blood.”

       “What’s that?” I asked more than ready to break the awkward silence.

       “I practiced the Buddhist form of meditation,” Ian said.

       “How very Zen of you,” I laughed.

       “I’m serious, Sophie. Meditation teaches you the connection between the conscious and unconscious mind,” Ian scolded my lack of seriousness. “I can’t believe I forgot. The Buddhists call it a
state of mindfulness
.”

       Fully chastised after Ian’s gentle rebuke I asked, “Did it help?”

       “Yes, I became more aware of my passions, desires, and their different meanings,” he said.

       “But I thought you were trying to suppress that side of you?” I asked.

       “Yes, but Buddhism teaches you to focus on the present, not the past or future,” Ian stated. “You want to achieve a state of being. Without awareness of my demonic side, there could be no balance in my life.”

        “I guess that makes sense. You seem to walk a thin line though, Ian.”

        “Very thin,” Ian agreed.

       “I’m sorry that I have caused you to stumble—I can see that now.”

        “Hey,” Ian said, grabbing my hand, “don’t be sorry. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Remember what we felt dancing?” he asked. “You give me balance.”

       “Well, your life would be far less complicated,” I mused.

       “I’m finding that I like complicated,” Ian said squeezing my hand tighter.

       We set a blanket down outside the cabin; Ian thought it would be helpful to be outdoors as we explored meditation. I agreed it would probably help me connect better with my surroundings.

       “Is there a particular way I should sit? Hold hands—that sort of thing?” I was clearly out of my comfort range.

       “No,” Ian said, “sit anyway that makes you feel comfortable.” he sat across from me, sensing my uneasiness as we ventured yet again into the unknown. He took both my hands in his. “Sophie, the most important thing about meditation is
belief.
Forget what science tells you, what the world tells you,” Ian stressed. “Your mind is powerful, but it can play tricks on you; obstruct you from your path to enlightenment.” I let out a huge sigh and rolled the sore muscles in my neck. “Can you do that?” Ian asked.

       I nodded my head and entered his mind.
Ian, I want to understand what’s inside of me, what I am, what we are. I have to believe that it all has meaning. I trust you completely.

       “Okay, close your eyes and listen carefully,” Ian said. I closed my eyes. “I want you to inhale and exhale; focus on your breathing. Empty yourself of everything, and let your mind be at peace.”

       I did as he asked, and I could see Ian in my mind’s eye; he was guiding me along a path. We came to a bridge.

       “Good, you can see it too,” Ian said approvingly. “Think of the bridge as a connection between your conscious and unconsciousness. Your unconscious mind is the part of you that governs your desires, impulses, and instincts. Your conscious mind is the
light
; the vehicle by which you reveal the hidden contents.”

       I saw myself hesitating—standing on one side of the bridge and Ian on the other side. He was holding out his hands. I heard the Gaelic melody whispering through the woods.

      
Sophie,
Ian said, switching to telepathy.
You have to cross the bridge. You have to join both together for this to work.

       I was hesitant, not sure if I could or wanted to discover what was locked inside of me.

      
Cross the bridge,
Ian gently, but firmly coaxed me along. I walked slowly, aware of my surroundings with each step I took. I felt a myriad of sensations assault my body. I felt the wind once more against my skin.

      
Good,
Ian said.

       My powers of perception were reaching beyond the bounds of my conscious mind. The old Gaelic song was stronger on this side. It possessed a stronger structure, harmony, and rhythm, unlike any other song I’d known. It was symbolic of the interdependence between all living creatures. It had a deeper meaning than I’d imagined; it was more than just a love song between two forlorn and doomed souls. It was as if all these images, thoughts, and sounds in my mind were communicating using this harmony as a type of universal language.

       Ian, this is amazing! Can you see all this too?
I asked in wonderment.
Am I doing this?

       Focus, Sophie.Use your awareness to connect with the world outside your body.
I saw myself painting.
What are you doing?
Ian asked.

       I’m creating a masterpiece, silly.
I watched myself use broad strokes of vibrant colors.
Isn’t it beautiful?
I said, standing back to admire my work. Something was not quite right. I needed a way to bring all of these elements together. I was obsessed—splashing paint everywhere.

       Be patient, Sophie. You are almost there…I can feel it. Just let go and be.
Ian steered me back. I had so many questions! How did I fit in with all of this? Who was I? With each new sensation and brush stroke, I became more enlightened. I wasn’t really changing; I was freeing who I really was. I was a part of this energy that flowed all around us. I could see clearly now—it was exhilarating. The whole process swept me up, and I had to catch my breath. Ian was right there in the middle of my discovery.
There was light and also darkness.
Nature kept them both in check. It seemed so simple really. I was still an individual, but I was also part of a bigger picture.

       I tentatively reached out to take part of this life energy. I could feel the light surrounding me, coursing through me. I noticed then that Ian didn’t have light surrounding him. It surprised me that I wasn’t alarmed. Ian embraced the darkness just as I embraced the light. I understood in that moment what our different purposes were. We were on opposite ends of the spectrum. Being together was disturbing the fragile balance between good and evil, light and dark. It was the classic scenario.

       I felt the tears streaming down my face and saw the pain in his eyes too.
This is what he didn’t want to tell me.
It seemed hopeless for both of us. I opened my eyes. “Ian?” I was overwhelmed with all that we’d just experienced. “You knew this already, didn’t you?” It was more a statement on my part than a question.

       “Does it make a difference?” Ian asked defeated.

       “It does to me,” I replied sadly.

       “Soph, I was selfish; I’m not ready to give you up.”

       I was more than frustrated! “It makes sense now,” I said, pacing. “You’ve been trying to tell me goodbye for weeks.” I turned away from him, so he wouldn’t see the despair on my face.

       “I’ve been trying to find a way around it all,” Ian said.

       “What do your premonitions tell you?” I asked.

       “Sophie, it always ends badly,” Ian whispered.

       I spun around and angrily replied, “I can’t
believe
that. I can’t believe that we are given these gifts without a means to change anything!”

       “Sophie, it is what it is,” Ian firmly stated.

       “I don’t believe it—I won’t,” I said, shaking my head in denial. “The gods wouldn’t be that cruel. It’s not fair,” I wailed in despair.

       “Shh, come here,” Ian said, holding out a hand for me. “Look, I’ve had a couple more decades than you to accept this. This is why I went to the guardians. I don’t want this either,” he said, resting his chin on my head.

       “I know,” I said, sitting down beside him on the blanket. “I know that I have to make some sort of choice, but between what?” I asked in defeat.

       “I honestly don’t know…that part I haven’t figured out,” Ian said, stroking my hair as we failed to address what we both knew—we were running out of time.

CHOICES

I needed to be by myself to try and make sense out of all this new information. “Ian, I need a few moments by myself, do you mind?” I asked. Ian did understand, but he didn’t like me being alone right now. I felt his uneasiness. “I’ll be okay. I’m just going to walk to the clearing by the cliffs.”

       “No detours?” Ian quizzed.

       “No detours, I promise.”

       I made my way through the trees, following the path we’d taken a few days before. Everything was so different now. I saw the world around me for what it was. I saw my part in it, but I still didn’t fully understand
why
I’d been chosen to be the bearer of this responsibility.
Perhaps that was my choice to make?
Accept it or not? It sounded simple enough, but I wasn’t sure what that would entail. How would my life be different? Could I really decide all of this in one afternoon?

       I touched the leaves on the trees along my way to the clearing. They gave me such a spark—I yearned for this feeling. My senses were more acute now. I couldn’t wait to sit in Grams’s garden and focus on all that grew there too.
I wonder if what I’m experiencing is how Grams sees it too.
I was eager to find out and discuss this with her. On the other hand, I was angry that Ian hadn’t shared this with me.
How were we to face this together if he kept secrets from me?
He clearly knew that this was going to happen, but for some reason he didn’t feel like he could tell me. Or was it that he didn’t trust me?

       I kicked a stone in my way. I thought we were getting past all that, but apparently not. We
desired
each other; I could see that clearly. We both felt a pull, a connection between us. Was it merely just the energy around us or something more? I hoped for more, but I didn’t see that happening now after what I’d just experienced. Ian was slowly pulling away from me and taking his thoughts too. He rarely entered my mind to speak with me. I could still sense when he was near, but I couldn’t read his thoughts very clearly anymore. We’d both put up barriers. Mine were to protect my heart, but I wasn’t so sure about Ian.

       Up ahead, I could see the clearing and hear the roar of the ocean below. I walked to the rocks overlooking the beach—it was a sight to behold. I gathered my knees up and rested my chin on them. I couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. I didn’t like not being in control of my life.
Ian couldn’t leave!
What would make him leave? He said that it was my choice; he’d had a premonition…I must do something that led him to believe this. It had to be here somewhere in my mind.

       I concentrated on the trees swaying above the bluff. I needed to understand my emotions and why this was occurring. I was aware of the pain, sadness, joy, and love vying for a place in my soul. Yet, I felt my anger overshadowing them all. It was a rage of burning desire.
My anger craved power.
Did I really crave power? I didn’t think so. True, I felt exhilarated with everything I had discovered, but would I choose to become something other than I was? I trembled with a sudden realization that Ian had tried to protect me all these years from having to make a choice between something good and something bad. Didn’t he freely admit that he’d only prolonged the inevitable? For that I was grateful, but how could I choose between two things that I
knew
were equally good in their own realms?

       I wouldn’t have known such sweetness from Ian if I had not explored the possibilities. I weighed my options. I could see that he viewed himself as nothing more than a demon; he didn’t see light where I saw it in his soul. Yes, I truly believed that he had a soul buried deep beneath the layers of darkness. On the other hand, he was filled with a dark force, one he’d been struggling with for a long, long time. I didn’t want him to suffer—that would kill me. 

       I suddenly realized it wasn’t
my life
that was being prolonged, but Ian’s. He’d been fighting to hold on to what little of humanity he could through me. Suppressing the demon while he was with me was actually weakening him and doing more damage. Just like me, he needed to embrace it fully to overcome it. Wasn’t that just what we’d experimented with during meditation?

       I fell back on the grass and stared up into the quiet, blue sky.
I was supposed to guide him.
It made sense; my choice was whether or not I could do it.
Could I? Could I create the monster I despised to save the man I knew still existed?
Heaven help me, I had to try. I knew then what I needed to do—my choice was made. There would be consequences. I just hoped that I could be strong enough to accept them when the time came.

***

       “Do you feel better now?” Ian asked as I entered the kitchen.

       “Much better.” I came up and hugged him from behind. “What are you making me for dinner?” I nuzzled his back. “I’m famished.”

       Ian flipped an egg over. “Eggs and bacon.”