Harlequin American Romance November 2014 Box Set: The SEAL's Holiday Babies\The Texan's Christmas\Cowboy for Hire\The Cowboy's Christmas Gift (67 page)

“I wasn't exactly sick yesterday.”

He looked into her eyes, nodded encouragingly. “Okay.”

“I called Kailey and we...” Oh, God, why was this so hard?
Because it's important,
a voice inside her reminded her.
It's huge. You're going to be parents together.

“You?”

She let out her breath. “Kailey took me to a clinic and I had a pregnancy test.”

He schooled his features, but not before she got a glimpse of pure, unadulterated terror. She tried to remind herself that she'd had much the same reaction, but it stung just the same. This should be a happy time. A time of shared rejoicing, not a time of shock and then dealing with a...a mistake.

“And it was positive?” he asked faintly.

“I'm afraid so.”

He uttered a succinct curse under his breath and sank back against the couch cushions. “But we were careful.”

“I know.”

“God.” He put his hand to his forehead. “Just...oh. Wow.”

“I'm sorry, Duke. I hadn't even thought of it until yesterday when I realized I was late. I'm just as shocked as you are.”

He closed his eyes.

Hers watered. Again. She blinked and forced the emotion away. Last night she'd cried enough. Today she had to be strong.

“You need time to let it soak in,” she suggested, and went to push herself off the sofa. His hand darted out, though, and gripped her by the wrist, staying her exit.

“Don't go. We need to talk about this. About...oh, man, Carrie. I'm going to be a dad.”

“I know,” she whispered.

His eyes opened and he looked right at her. “You're going to be a mom.”

“Yes.” The very idea sent panic streaking through her, but something else, too. Something wonderful and big and protective and fantastic—and that feeling was equally as scary as finding out the news in the first place.

“Don't go. Stay. Just...let me be for a few minutes, let this soak in. Give me a little time.”

She waited. It was torturous, but she waited in the soft light of the Christmas tree with the fire crackling in the background. She was pretty sure this wasn't the evening he'd planned for them.

He finally spoke, so softly she had to lean forward to hear. “I've been waiting for a sign. Something to tell me what I should do. Looks like I got my wish.”

“No!” She stood up quickly, before he had time to grab her arm again. “You promised. This has nothing to do with Crooked Valley.”

“It has everything to do with Crooked Valley! I'm one-third owner and you're the foreman. How can I possibly leave knowing you're here with our baby? What kind of man do you take me for?”

“Whether you stay on the ranch has nothing to do with me! It has to be right for you. Can't you see that?” She put her hands to her face for a brief moment, trying to regain control. Oh, she should have listened to her head and waited. “Please, please don't make this decision based on a baby. What a burden to put on his or her shoulders. On my shoulders.”

“On yours?”

If they were going to be honest, they might as well go all the way. “I know you like me, Duke. I know you like spending time with me. That we've got this chemistry going on. But do you love me?”

His face flattened in surprise and he didn't answer right away. Disappointment sat heavily on her, but she was somehow glad she'd asked. Now at least she knew and could proceed knowing she was right.

“I don't want you to stay at Crooked Valley out of obligation. You're our baby's father and you always will be, no matter if you're at the ranch or not.”

She believed her words 100 percent. And yet a part of her still felt like weeping, knowing that she was pregnant and the father of her child didn't love her. Not the same way she cared for him.

“I have responsibilities....”

Her heart ached a little more each time he opened his mouth, confirming that Duke was used to a life of fulfilling his duty but only that. Duty.

“Which you can fulfill whether you're at the ranch or not. You promised, Duke. I'm going to hold you to it. I don't want you making decisions out of some weird sense of duty.”

He stood up, came to her. “I can't just separate one from the other. It's not that easy, Carrie. I need time. Time to think everything through. Time to decide what's best for everyone.”

And though it killed her to say it, she knew she had to utter the next words. “Duke, you're not in the army anymore. The chain of command doesn't apply here. You don't get to decide for me. If you try to, I'll...I'll quit.”

Which was just about the dumbest thing she could have said at this moment. Where would she go? What would she do? She had no family to go to. No one...

Phoenix. Her grandparents were still there. As much as it would kill her to leave the ranch, she could probably beg them for a place to stay until she found a job and got on her feet.

Her heart broke a little just thinking of it. She loved this place. It was as much her home as it was Duke's. Maybe more so.

“Don't get yourself worked up,” he said, his voice taut with strain. “We'll figure it out. There's time, right? You can't be more than a few weeks along...”

Not more than a few weeks. Time enough for everything to be knocked on its head.

“Not far along at all.” The words echoed hollowly through the room.

Duke let out a big breath and suddenly smiled. “A baby,” he repeated, as if the news was brand-new again.

Some of the tension started to release in Carrie's chest. Duke's smile distracted her enough that she was unprepared for his next edict.

“From now on you're not taking any chances, you hear? We've gotta keep that baby safe. No more riding to check the lines, and you're going to take it easy in the barn.”

It only took a second for what he was saying to sink in, but as soon as it did, Carrie stood back and put her hands on her hips.

“Like hell,” she said through gritted teeth.

Chapter Fourteen

Duke stared at Carrie. She was so angry. So...defensive. He frowned at her as she faced off against him. She'd always been a reasonable person. Surely she could see the logic in what he'd just said.

“Come on,” he said, his voice the tiniest bit incredulous. “You know what I'm saying makes sense. You can't just carry on as before. Your job is physically demanding—”

“For a woman? Is that what you were going to say?”

Irritation flared. Could he say nothing right tonight? “I'm just asking you to be careful! Not to take unnecessary chances!” He stepped forward but then halted abruptly. He hadn't asked her the most important question of all. He'd plowed right over top of it but now it fell like a sledgehammer in his brain, refusing to move.

“That is,” he said, quieter, his heart seizing a bit, “if you're planning on seeing the pregnancy through.”

And then he held his breath.

He'd never given serious thought to the abortion issue before, but he did now. And what he realized was that it was her body, but it was their baby, and whatever decision she made affected him, too. Whatever the outcome, he wanted to be a part of it.

“I'm seeing it through,” she answered, her voice barely above a whisper.

Relief sluiced through him, more relief than he'd expected to feel. “Okay,” he said, while his knees felt wobbly. “Okay.”

“Duke,” she said, and he could tell she was working hard on keeping her voice calm. “You can't start telling me what I can or can't do. You can't monitor every activity or what I eat or where I go. It doesn't work that way.”

He knew she was right. And yet he was still the tiniest bit angry. Angry that she was so stubborn that she'd stand her ground even if he made valid points. “I'm just asking that you be sensible,” he argued. “Take care. Not put yourself in a position where you could get hurt or overdo it.”

“I think I know my limits,” she retorted.

His head was starting to hurt. He'd wanted a quiet supper, decorating the tree, some time alone with her. He hadn't bargained for this; hadn't prepared for it. He was still coming to terms with all the other changes in his life and now he was going to be a father. He was trying desperately to wrap his head around it.

“I think I should go for now, before we really get in an argument,” she suggested sadly. “Thanks for dinner, Duke, but I'm going to head home. Get some sleep. Do some thinking. You need time to do that, too.”

He did. Because right now the answer seemed so obvious to him and she was having none of it.

“I don't want to argue with you,” he answered, following her to the kitchen, leaving the mess of boxes and unused ornaments behind. “If you're keeping the baby, you must realize that some activities are riskier than others.”

She spun around and faced him, her eyes flashing. “Do you suppose I don't know that? Do you think I'm that stupid, or do you think I don't care?”

Her questions stopped him in his tracks. “I know you're not stupid. And I can see that you care.”

“Then maybe you can trust me?”

He stared at her. He understood what she was saying, just as he understood his warnings were also justified.

He also now understood the impulse to make things right. If it was anyone but Carrie, he'd probably be offering marriage so that their child could have a two-parent home. Carrie would tell him what he could do with his offer—he was equally sure of that fact. She wouldn't settle for that sort of arrangement—and he knew she was right about that, too. Children deserved parents who loved each other. Who were committed to each other, not just joined by a baby. So what was he supposed to do? It seemed as though there was no right answer he could give.

“Are you feeling okay?” he murmured, wanting to know. His child was inside her right now and it made him feel both larger than life and petrified.

She nodded. “I'm doing all right. But now you understand why I didn't have any wine.”

So many changes. How could he just walk away in January? How could he stay and not keep the ranch?

“Let's just take a few days to let things settle,” he suggested, his heart sinking. “How does that sound?”

“Sensible,” she replied, her face relaxing a little. “No rash decisions. We have to be smart about this.”

Duke looked down at her. She spoke with such authority that she gave the appearance of being in perfect control. On closer examination, though, he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. Despite her outward bravado, he got the feeling she was scared to death.

He reached out and pulled her close, enveloping her in a hug. She was surprised and stiffened in his arms at first, but then, with a heavy sigh, she relaxed and let him hold her, spreading her hands across his back.

“I'm sorry,” he murmured against her hair. “It's a lot to take in. You're not in this alone, though, okay? Will you remember that? We'll figure it out.”

She nodded against his shoulder.

“Do you want to stay? You're welcome to. We can just watch TV or something.”

Carrie pushed out of his arms. “Thanks, but I think I just want to go home. I'm tired. It's been a crazy few days.”

He nodded. Walked her to the door, saw her out. After her truck left the driveway, though, he stood on the cold veranda, his hands in his jeans pockets, shoulders hunched against the chill.

Fun. It was only supposed to be fun. Dancing, hanging out, laughing, great sex. No commitments, no expectations. No consequences.

Except there were consequences. Big ones. Ones that tied him to Carrie—and to this ranch—for years to come.

That should be freaking him out more than it was. The biggest surprise was that what was really bothering him was how, in the blink of an eye, their relationship had changed. There was a distance now that felt impossible to bridge—brought on by something that should bring two people closer together.

He sighed, his breath forming a frosty cloud. Maybe he and Carrie really had been fooling themselves into thinking they had something special. Because here they were, at the first sign of trouble, further apart than ever.

* * *

A
S
THE
HOLIDAYS
drew closer, it seemed to Carrie that she and Duke got further apart.

She had taken a crew out just this morning and they'd shifted the herd into another pasture, where fresh stacks of hay were waiting. Now she was tired and chilled right to the bone, warming herself in front of the potbellied stove located in the barn office. Jack's wife had sent in a tin of Christmas cookies, and while Carrie didn't have much of a taste for coffee these days, she'd heated herself a mug of apple cider in the small microwave. They were talking about holiday plans when another pair of boots sounded outside the room.

Carrie turned around to see Duke standing in the doorway. “Hey, guys,” he greeted.

“Hey, boss,” Randy replied, handing over the tin. “Want a cookie?”

“Don't mind if I do,” he answered, stepping inside and reaching for a sweet. “Cold one out there today.”

“Yessir,” Jack replied, and Carrie was struck by the deference with which they spoke to Duke. It was with respect—as a leader and a boss. Maybe he still had a lot to learn, but he'd earned their trust and confidence.

He was a good man. A good man who hadn't really made much of an effort where she was concerned lately. She'd asked for time. They'd both needed it to come to grips with what they were dealing with. Still, she hadn't quite expected it to be so easy for him. That stung a little bit.

“Carrie, you got a few minutes?”

His voice interrupted her thoughts and she looked up. “Yeah. No problem.” She took her mug with her—the cider was keeping her fingers warm—and stepped out into the corridor with him.

“What can I do for you?”

He led her away from the office, a good distance down the barn and a good deal colder, too. When they were far enough away that they wouldn't be heard, Duke halted and faced her.

“I just wanted to know how you're feeling. If everything's okay.”

She swallowed against a little ball of emotion. His concern was genuine, written all over his face. She wished she knew how to stop loving him. It was clear now that he cared for her but didn't love her. It would be easier to get over him and get on with what needed to be done if he'd be disagreeable. Turn into a jerk...instead of being so conscientious and caring.

“I'm right as rain, Duke. I feel a little tired sometimes, and the Christmas commercials on TV make me weepy, but I'm not experiencing any morning sickness or anything. My job keeps me active, and I'm trying to eat well and get lots of sleep.”

“Good.”

His expression changed, turning apprehensive. “Look,” he said, lowering his voice a touch, “I don't know how to diplomatically put this, so I'm just going to ask. Do you need money for anything? The doctor? Vitamins? Anything at all?”

“No,” she answered, looking down at her toes. “I'm fine.” So matter-of-fact. So far he'd covered doctor and banker, when that wasn't what she wanted from him at all.

“I've been thinking a lot since you told me about the baby.” He spoke quietly, and she lifted her head again to look into his face. “You're single and alone and I know you live day-to-day financially. I'm sure you considered your options. I know your road ahead doesn't look easy, Carrie. I admire your bravery.”

She chuckled, but it was a humorless sound of disbelief. “Bravery? The decision was taken out of my hands, don't you think?”

He shrugged. “You could have made a different decision. One that might have made things easier down the road.”

And she'd considered it—briefly. In the end she knew she'd have regrets. She thought of Quinn and all the pain he'd been through, but how he constantly insisted that he had no regrets about being a single parent even though things were really hard without Marie. She might not have family but she had friends, and she was strong. She'd muddle through.

She'd do better than muddle, damn it. She'd make sure they had a good life. A life filled with love and laughter, even if they had to live simply.

He reached out and took her hand. “Carrie, I've been thinking a lot over the past few days. Thinking about what I want and our situation and I keep coming up with the same thing. It doesn't make sense for me to go somewhere else. Where am I going to go? I've enjoyed my time at Crooked Valley. I've enjoyed my time with you. And of course, my son or daughter will be here.”

On some level she'd known this was coming. Duke might have shown up here at loose ends, but that was an anomaly for him. From the beginning, she'd known he was the kind of man used to having a plan and a purpose.

“So you're just going to settle?”

“It's not settling. I came home to find out what I wanted. What if what I want is right in front of me? Wouldn't it be stupid to let it go?”

“Duke, you're used to having a mission. You're used to being needed, to having a problem to solve or an objective to take. I can't be another one of your missions. That's not what I want.”

“That's not what I'm doing.”

“Oh? Then answer me this. If I'd never gotten pregnant, would you have decided to stay here?”

“But you are pregnant. It changes everything.”

Her heart physically hurt as she looked up at him. “No, it doesn't. You're letting it cloud everything else. You need to separate things to see them clearly. How you feel about ranching. How you feel about me. Those are separate from how you feel about becoming a father.”

“I already told you I've enjoyed the ranch...”

“And what about me, Duke?”

He smiled then, all easy charm. “You know how I feel about you.”

Oh, she was so mixed-up. Her body warmed beneath his gaze and intimate smile. And yet part of her ran cold, knowing he was avoiding the real question she was asking, knowing he was avoiding it because they both knew the answer. She wanted to believe him. It would be easier than holding out for what she wanted—what she needed. In the end, though, she knew the easy way wouldn't make her happy.

So she stepped back, pulling her hands from his. “You're right. I do know how you feel. I know you care about me. I know we enjoyed being together. I know we had fun. But you don't love me, Duke. And I can't lie to myself and pretend that you do so that it makes everything all right.”

The smile slid from his face. “Carrie...”

“I know,” she said quietly, knowing his gaze was fully on her face and there was no doubt he was getting her words. “It hasn't been that long. It's too early for love. I know, Duke. But for my own peace of mind and stress level, I think it would be best if we just kept our relationship as boss-employee. For now.”

“You don't want to see me anymore.”

She didn't know how to say it without revealing too much. Like how every time he touched her it reminded her that the depth of her feelings weren't returned. How could she possibly endure making love to him again knowing he didn't feel the same way she did?

“There's not much point in dragging things out. We made a deal.”

“A deal?” His brow puckered.

Why did this have to be so hard? It was taking all her strength to appear in control when inside she felt as if she was shattering. It was supposed to be fun. No strings. Chemistry. She should have known better. She
had
known better, but she'd chosen to lie to herself instead.

“We agreed that, if at any point it wasn't working, we'd could call it off, no hard feelings.” She met his gaze. “It's not working for me, Duke.”

Only not in the way he thought. It wasn't that she didn't care. It was that she was in way over her head. Heart, body and soul.