Harder (18 page)

I let all the air I’ve been holding in my chest out. “Ally, that’s awful, I’m so sorry.”

She glances up, then down at her work again. “Don’t be. I don’t want any pity. I got out. We both did our best, it didn’t work, so I left him. He had a right to be mad. I had a right to leave though.”

“Yes, you did.”

She shrugs. “It’s not always that simple though. Sometimes I still miss him. But that’s crazy.”

It kind of is, but I’d be a jerk to say so. I don’t understand what it’s like to be hit by someone you love, but I’m sure it’s confusing. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” I say.

She waves it off again, then finishes her picture, closes the book, and looks up smiling. “Feels good to tell someone though. Get it off my chest. You okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re pale. You don’t look so good.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re shaking,” she says. “Relax.”

I stand and pace. “I’m fine. No, I’m just mad. I’m mad because your whole life has been shitty.”

“You swore!”

I give her an exasperated sigh, and keep pacing. “And yeah, I just hate it. I hate him, and I hate the guy downstairs from your apartment, and I hate your parents, wherever they are. And I hate that you won’t let me make things better for you.”

“You do make things better.” She stands, puts her hands in her pockets, and leans against the nearby wall.

“But you don’t want me to do too much. Worry too much.”

“No. It’s not your place.”

“Whose place is it then?” I say, throwing up my hands. “Whose?”

“No one’s,” she shouts. Then she drops to her knees and shoves everything into her backpack. It keeps falling back out. She stops, wiping tears away. I come closer, but she puts up a hand.

“Ally,” I say.

“Don’t,” she says, hand still up, warding me back. “Don’t put pressure on me. Don’t try to own me. I’ve been there.” She finishes packing up and puts everything in her backpack. “Don’t think you know me. Don’t think you can judge me.”

“I’m not, I just, I’m sorry.” I put my hands in my pockets and wait.

“So, Emily. You should get me home and go to bed. You’ve got a big date tomorrow.”

My lip curls. I can’t believe she’s still stuck on that, but if it makes her feel better to focus on that, fine, we will. “I guess so.”

Something flashes across her face before she turns away. I don’t know what. Maybe disappointment, maybe I’m just imagining it because I’m hoping that was it. That she cares for me like I do for her. Even as a friend.

“Can you take me home?”

“Of course. Have you eaten?”

“I’ve got stuff at home,” she says, shuffling her feet.

“Okay.” I’m not going to hurt her pride by challenging her on that. But she’s thin. As her friend, I’m going to keep trying to shove food at her when I can.

The ride home is quiet. She’s next to me but it doesn’t feel like she’s really there.

“Ally?” I say.

“Yeah?” She’s watching out the window as streetlights pass by.

“Thanks for telling me all of that. For trusting me.”

“Sure.”

“I won’t overreact again. I’m sorry.”

“Okay.”

“I just, it makes me angry to think about you getting hurt. Being treated like less than you deserve.”

“If I deserve anything different than this, then why has my life always been this way?”

Now it’s my turn to stare absently at streetlights, trying to comprehend the unfairness of the universe. “I don’t know. But maybe you’ll be happier someday. Maybe things will even out.”

“Don’t bet on it,” she says. “Besides, I’m happy now. I have a good place, a good job, and hell, a good friend.” She smiles at me.

I smile back, feeling like it hurts my face to do so. But it’s impossible not to return that smile.

We pull up in front of her place. She doesn’t get out right away.

“Emily really is a terrible swimmer though. Don’t take her in water unless you want to be a babysitter.”

“Okay.”

“And don’t make any quick moves?” She shakes a finger at me. “Girl is innocent. A delicate flower, and—”

“I don’t think she’s as innocent as you—”

“Ah ah,” she says, wiggling the finger. “Ally knows best. Behave.”

I laugh. “So you care about her now, right?”

She frowns. “I guess so.”

“I guess I’ll give it a shot.”

She nods and opens her door.

“You want me to walk you up?”

“No.”

“You sure?”

“I’ll be fine. I do this every night, remember?”

“Not every night.”

“That’s true, sometimes I have to lug my half naked best friend up a flight of long-ass stairs.”

“Hm. It is a long staircase.”

She laughs and shuts the door, then leans over to talk through the open window. “See you at work?”

“Yeah. See you tomorrow.”

She waves and walks off, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

I don’t know what to do with her. I want to make her life better, and I don’t know how, or if I should. I guess I’ll just focus on my date, and take her at her word that that’s what she wants.

I stare at her long legs, pale and smooth in the moonlight, toned and perfect.

Yeah, I’ll focus on Emily. Maybe I need a distraction too.

Chapter 12

We’re moving solidly into the middle of the season now. I cross the tiles at a brisk pace to where Ryan is talking to Emily near the door that goes between the deck and the reception area.

“‘Sup?” I say, and they both stop talking, and look my way.

“Hi Ally,” Emily says shyly. She looks a little less perfect after a full day of work, but still amazing. Clean hair pulled back in a tidy knot. Shirt tucked in. Little stud earrings.

I have studs too. I have five in one ear and three in the other.

“Ryan, can I talk to you?”

He looks to Emily, she nods, and he comes with me.

“You need something?”

“Yeah, I need you to stop talking to your girlfriend long enough to do your job.”

“She’s not my girlfriend.” He narrows his eyes and stands a little taller, folding his arm as he does. His arm muscles bunch and flex against his chest. I’ve always loved his arm muscles. I can’t put on muscle for anything. I just get more and more toned.

“Then why are you always talking to her when you should be working?”

His eye twitches, and he brushes his hair back from his face. “I don’t. I’ve barely talked to her since our date last week.”

“Oh.” Now I feel a bit stupid. I shove my hands in my shorts and look over the deck. “Still, you should be paying attention.”

“Like you should be paying attention, rather than worrying about who I’m talking to?”

Douche. “Yeah. But we’re closing in an hour. There’s practically no one here. I can hear double whistles if I need to. There’s time to talk.”

He adjusts his arms and raises an eyebrow at me, and I swallow. “Fine. Talk to her after shift though. It doesn’t look good. Hitting on an employee in front of the guards.”

His jaw tightens. I just keep irritating him more. But at least his attention is on me now.

“Did you need something Ally?”

“Naw, just wanted to check up. Walk the deck with me.” I grab him through the arm and pull him with me.

He sighs and allows me to lead him.

“So, you two got a second date yet?”

“We might have, had you not interrupted.”

“Dude, you could lose your virginator status.”

He puts a hand up to his face and laughs. “Right. Except for one thing.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to. What’s so hard for you to get about this sex before marriage thing?”

“I don’t know. Guys want it all the time, don’t they?”

“No, they don’t,” he says as we pass around the back of the slide and check on the guards there. Everything fine. “I don’t, anyway.”

“Why not? You frigid?”

He winces. “No. I just, I don’t want it in general. It means more to me. I don’t know. You can have it how you want, and I should be able to have it how I want.”

I shrug. “You’re missing out.”

“Am I? Was your abusive ex-husband good then?”

I flinch, and he looks sorry for saying it the second it’s out of his mouth. Like he’d grab it and shove it back in if he could. “That’s none of your business.”

“Then my virginity isn’t any of yours.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Want to do an audit with me in the last hour?”

“No. I’m going to watch the lap pool I think. Couple of rowdy groups there.”

“We should hang out,” I blurt out. “I haven’t seen you in a while.”

“I texted. You didn’t respond. At work you’ve been distant.”

“I know. I’m dealing with some stuff. School is busy.” And you’re confusing, and scary, and I need to see you on my own time, when I’ve worked myself out. I’m just not ready for someone so good. I need to deal with my shiz first.

I need to be a badass again for a while, so that I know I can still survive just fine on my own if you suddenly leave me. If I’m alone again.

“Okay. What do you want to do?”

“Go for a drive? Maybe the beach?”

“Sure.”

“Your car or mine?” He just raises an eyebrow, so I fold my arms. “Don’t even act like it’s an easy choice. Your stupid Mercedes doesn’t have half the class of Big Blue.”

He laughs. “I was just thinking we should protect Big Blue from the elements and save his engine.”

“Fine.” That’s a good reason.

“See you after work then?”

“Fine.” I stomp off, and I think I can hear him chuckling behind me.

Why do I feel irritated when I get what I want? We’re hanging out. I should probably invite Emily. When it’s just me and him, things get awkward. Plus, being around her, I get to be the badass in comparison, not the flower. I pull out my phone and send a text, then slip it back in my pocket.

It lights up while I’m auditing one of the guards. Emily says she can come. Great. I can even give them some alone time if they want.

A couple hours later, we reach the beach. Emily blabbered most of the way, and Ryan responded politely, and I rested my head on the front passenger window and watched the road fly by, thinking how different Cali looks compared to Ohio, and wondering how the beach will be. If Ryan’s picked a good one.

It’s finally sinking in how far I’ve come this year, how much things have changed. I have real friends again, like Amy and Ryan and Emily. I have a guy that I trust, even if he’s a confusing virginator.

I’m starting to want more than I wanted when I left.

All I wanted was escape. Trees fly by as we go higher into and over the lush green hills that make up the coast. It’s beautiful here, but for once I can look at something outside me and not want to run away and make a home alone in it.

So many times growing up, I just wanted to run. Then when I did, I realized I wasn’t equipped to. I fell, and Zach was there, but then I fell again. I decided not to climb. Now I find myself higher, maybe higher than ever before. I’m thinking about what I really want from life, whether it’s being alone, or being with someone difficult like Ryan.

I’m starting to see the perks there.

Emily asks what beach, Ryan names one, and she agrees it’s good. I don’t know anything about the beaches here. They talk more about their school, and what they like to do, and I feel like a third wheel. I guess that’s what I was going for anyway, but maybe I should have invited Amy. Nah, she would have brought a dude or dudes, and I’m not up for that right now.

“You okay, Ally?” Emily asks.

I smile back at her. “Yeah, just tired. Long work day.”

“Yeah, I don’t know how you lifeguards do it, on your feet all day.”

“I don’t know how you do it, trying to please long lines and crowds all day.”

She blushes, pulls a stray piece of hair back into her smooth bun. “Thanks. It’s not that hard.”

Damn, I like this chick. I guess when they’re going out she’ll still let me hang out with Ryan without being threatened by me. I’ve been worrying about that lately. For all I tease Ryan about not wanting to date, once he does, I doubt they’re going to love that he has me for a best friend, and that we study together, work together, and hug and kiss once in a while. I sink my head against the window again, because Emily’s talking to Ryan again.

We arrive at the parking area for the beach. It’s a high overlook with stairs down to the main area. I get out and stretch. The air is cool and salty, the sun evening bright, low in the sky and just burning your retinas immediately if you look at it.

Ryan gets stuff from the back and my ears prick up. I hurry back there to grab my stuff, and an umbrella, and then reach for Emily’s stuff so I can get to it before Ryan.

“Wow, both such gentlemen.” Emily giggles. I freeze, still bent over with her stuff in my hands. She just called me a dude. Something I thought I wanted, to be the same as a guy, but for some reason it’s really…not nice.

“Sorry,” she says, putting her hands up to her face. “Ally, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean it. I just meant, you’re always so protective of people.”

I sling a bag over my shoulder and heft the rest up so Ryan can shut the trunk. But he doesn’t. He’s holding his stuff and looking me over with concerned eyes. Concerned, beautiful green eyes.

“You gonna shut that so we can get out of here?” I ask, turning away from them.

Ryan stops on the way down to put money in the park box. I can hear Emily asking him something, probably about me, since she sounds worried. She needn’t be. I’m fine.

I dress like this, and I do try to do everything I think guys would do. I guess I’m trying to be the perfect dude for myself, so that I don’t need one. Not that women can’t do the same things, just that I’m into men, and I guess it’s natural that I would pair up with one, or if not, try to make up for it myself.

It just seems like men get everything. I lay out my towel and sit on it, elbows on my knees, cheeks in my palms.

“We’re going to walk down the beach, Ally. Want to come?”

“Nah,” I say, leaning back on my towel and pulling sunglasses out of my bag. I pull them out and put my hands behind my head. “I’ll stay and tan.”

“It’s late,” Ryan says.