Hard to Hold (9 page)

He got home earlier than he expected Sunday.

When he entered the condo, his bag slung over his shoulder, he was more than a little surprised to see Isabella and an older woman enjoying lunch.

The bassinet was in the kitchen, and Cinnamon gurgled from inside, kicking and waving her hands playfully. Dropping the bag on the floor, he saw Isabella look up, startled.

“Logan,” she said, glancing at the woman beside her. “I didn't think you'd be back until later. I'd like you to meet my mother, Rene.”

The resemblance between them was striking. He inclined his head. “Nice to meet you.”

“Likewise.” Her eyes met him squarely, and Logan had an inkling of where Isabella got her strong personality as well as her looks.

“We will be out of your way in a few minutes.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm just going to grab a shower and head to the gym. Take your time.”

“Thanks.” She shrugged at Logan sheepishly. “My mother just wanted to see the baby.”

There was something odd in her tone. Logan couldn't quite put his finger on it, but he had a feeling it was a clue to what was going on with his nanny.

“Any time. After all, you live here, too.” Her eyes met his and he saw a softening there, a sense of gratitude for his acceptance of the situation. Again that buzz at the back of his head. Was it common for a nanny to share the children she took care of with her mother? He honestly didn't know.

“Enjoy your lunch,” he said as he made his way to the shower. He felt the silence behind him, and had a feeling that as soon as he was gone, he would be the topic of discussion. Something about that made him smile, and as he stepped into the hot water, he wondered what it would be like to be a fly on the wall.

“He is handsome,” her mother commented as soon as Logan was out of earshot.

“Really? I hadn't noticed,” Isabella said as she got up to refill the water glasses.

“Well, he certainly notices you. He couldn't take his eyes off you the whole time we were talking. Is something going on between you?”

“No!” Isabella looked at her mother in surprise. “Why would you think that?”

“I don't know. There just seems to be a current there.”

“The only electricity here is supplied by PSE&G.” Her voice sounded flippant even to herself, and she gentled her tone. “He has a lot on his mind.”

Her mother reached over and picked up Cinnamon, cooing at the baby. “How about we take this little one for a walk?”

“That sounds like a great idea,” Isabella said, relieved, as she cleared away the dishes.

Distracting her mother with the baby was a surefire way to shut down further questions. The last thing she wanted to do was discuss her feelings about Logan.

And that kiss
…

She also thought Logan could use a little time to himself. She had watched the news and saw that the media seemed to echo the coach's comments and were, in her opinion, overly critical of Logan. As the new guy, he was under more scrutiny, she got that. But even to her untrained eye, the team's performance seemed lackluster.

She packed up the stroller with her mother's help, and they took Cinnamon down the elevator to the park. Her strategy worked like a charm. Delighted with the baby, her mother seemed to completely forget Logan.

She wished it was as easy for her.

Logan awoke early, aware that it was still dark outside, but something prevented him from sleeping. Rolling over onto his back, it hit him:
today he was going to court
.

He'd been restless all week, even though he'd made an effort to put the upcoming event from his mind. The clock told him he didn't have to be up for another hour, yet he was wide awake.

How was he going to feel facing Desiree? What if she insisted the baby was his? Would he have to take a test to settle things once and for all?

But what if it turned out that he wasn't the father? What would happen to Cinnamon? What if Desiree took her back?

His stomach churned. If Desiree left the baby with him and simply walked off, what would she do in the future when once again saddled with responsibility? Would she chase down the real father and insist that he help? What if he wasn't around or refused to be involved?

Could Cinnamon wind up in foster care, once the court understood what her mother had done?

There was no sense in trying to fall back to sleep. Getting up, Logan then ventured into the kitchen and brewed a quick cup of coffee. He saw Isabella's French press but wasn't tempted to spend the ten minutes required to make coffee her way. Even though his tasted like sludge in comparison, it was there and ready.

He took the cup with him and before he left, he paused at the nursery door. Inside, Cinnamon was awake, playing with the mobile and gurgling in delight at the brightly colored figures dancing about her.

His heart lurched. This might be the last day Cinnamon was with him. He hadn't seen her or Bella much this week, with practice and workouts. And he'd deliberately tried to put some distance there, making himself scarce, knowing that everything could change for them today.

But the strategy hadn't worked. Logan felt all knotted up inside. How could he ever leave this child?

He entered the room, drawn by the baby's gentle sounds. Leaning over the side of the crib, he touched the baby's cheek.

“Hello there, little girl.”

She stopped playing, and the blue eyes gazed at him. She seemed serious now, watching him, and he could swear she understood something important was happening today. To his surprise, her little hand wrapped around his finger, making him feel like the most important guy in the world.

Logan wasn't prepared for the overwhelming emotion that flooded through him, or the sting that came to his eyes. His throat actually ached. This baby, this innocent little girl, was literally dependent on the kindness of strangers. How could Desiree desert her and leave her fate up to chance? How did she know he wouldn't just dump her on the system and walk the fuck away, unscathed?

He took a moment to really look at her; she was so damned beautiful with that copper-colored hair, thick black lashes framing those penetrating blue eyes. Her tiny nose wrinkled in delight when he smiled at her, and her perfect rosebud mouth broke into a big grin.

“So you think that's funny?” He smoothed her tiny fingers with his thumb, marveling at how soft and smooth they were.

And even though he knew he shouldn't, he couldn't help himself. He reached into the crib and picked her up, marveling at how little she was as he cradled her in his arms.

Cinnamon felt soft and warm, like a ripening peach, and smelled like sweet talcum. One tiny arm went around his shoulder, and even though she bobbled a little, she seemed perfectly content.

Logan was done. For the first time in his life, he understood the term “unconditional love.” Swallowing hard, he held the baby, feeling as if she had always belonged there, in his embrace.

How the fuck could he let her go?

Yet how could he let her stay?

This wasn't a commitment of a couple of months: this was a baby with a lifetime ahead of her. Soon she would be walking, talking. She would need stories, baths, trips to the doctor, and all of the other things involved with raising a child. Then would come school, camp, dances and birthday parties, recitals and studies.

And she was a girl. She would need help with the female stuff, puberty and hormones, periods and God knew what else.

He was a man, a soccer player, on the road most of the time. How could a little daughter fit into his life? Could he give her what she needed?

What she deserved?

Cinnamon yawned, and Logan finally put her back into her bed. He couldn't stop the rush of tenderness that swept over him as he pulled up her blanket and offered a binky. She took it, but the blue eyes never left his face, and she stared at him in adoration as he closed his eyes, fighting the tightness that was forming in his throat.

What the hell was he going to do?

Isabella woke to the sound of a door closing. Was Cinnamon okay? Did Logan have to look in on her? Maybe she wanted her bottle early?

Glancing at the clock, she saw it was barely six, so she slipped out of bed, grabbed her robe, and made her way into the hall. As she peered into the baby's room, she saw Logan standing next to the crib, his hands on the rails.

Something about the scene touched her deeply. Normally Logan left most of the child's care in her hands. He'd been receptive about learning how to hold Cinnamon, how to prepare her bottle, even how to change her and bathe her. But recently, he'd been distant, as if knowing he could lose her and not wanting to face the pain of that loss.

Watching him now, she could almost feel the conflict raging inside him. Today would be a turning point and might very well decide all of their futures. Was that what was troubling him, even as he looked down at the baby?

Her heart ached for him. Logan didn't ask for any of this, and she found it hard to watch him struggle. Stepping into the room, she closed the door behind her.

He glanced up, startled by her presence. “I didn't know you were there. Hope I didn't wake you?”

“No,” she lied, coming to stand beside him at the crib. Cinnamon brightened immediately at the sight of her, and Isabella grinned back at the little girl. “So are you ready for today? Whatever it brings?”

“No,” he said honestly and he touched the mobile, sending the brightly colored figures dancing, to Cinnamon's delight. “I'm not ready at all. But I can't do a damned thing about it except move forward and hope for the best.”

He was such a strong man. To be in this situation must be devastating for him. Without forethought, she covered his hand with her own and gave it a squeeze.

“Want me to come with you? I would have to bring the baby, but it might be better than going it alone.”

His eyes met hers and she could have drowned in that blue crystal pool. Yet he seemed honestly surprised and touched. “Seriously?”

“Yes.” She was crossing a line, a dangerous one. Yet she couldn't help it. Although she was determined to maintain a professional distance, she felt bad for him. It was obvious that he didn't want to confide in many people about his situation, but what he was facing today would upset anyone.

And he needed a pal. She could be that for him, offer her support, and let him know someone was in his corner.

“Just thought you might want a friendly face in the courtroom.”

She tried to sound light, but she could tell he wasn't buying it. To her surprise, he slid his hand behind her waist and pulled her closer to him. Cinnamon grinned and chuckled, enthralled with the mobile. Logan gazed into Isabella's eyes, and her heart beat quickly as if trying to escape her body.

“You can't start being nice to me. It's all I can do to stay away from you when you're acting like Super Nanny.”

Her mouth went dry as he smoothed a curl away from her face.

“But I appreciate the offer more than I can say. I don't know what will happen today, and I feel it would be better if the baby was away from the drama. I trust you here with her. Okay?”

Exhaling the breath she'd been holding, she nodded. “Okay.” She turned to leave, reluctant to move away from his warmth. But as she reached the door, she looked over her shoulder. “You know to tell them you've employed me, right? And that I have all the certs to take care of a newborn? That you have the right resources to care for her?”

“Yeah.” He cocked his head toward the kitchen. “I'm bringing copies of all that, your qualifications, and all the stuff the agency sent. And her records, the well-care visit, everything I can think of.”

“Good.” Tightening the belt of her robe, she frowned, deep in thought. “And let them know you've learned how to make her formula, and how to care for her…”

“You say one more word and I'm coming over there and kissing you. Got it?”

Her mouth fell open, and she literally had to force it shut. Nodding, she left the room and returned to her own, feeling an emotional desperation about to explode inside her.

She wanted him. Wanted him in a way she couldn't explain. And not in some soft, sweet romantic interlude. She wanted what she'd felt in his arms, that hot, inexplicable desire he so effortlessly generated in her. She wanted him to take her out of herself, to a place of white-hot passion only he could generate, wanted him to rip off her robe and bury himself between her thighs, pounding her, making her know that he would be back with the baby, that it would all be okay, and that…

He needed her as much as she needed him.

Isabella shook her head. What the hell was wrong with her?

Logan was going to court today to establish paternity.

And all she could think about was fucking the hell out of him.

The family courtroom was packed. Logan took a seat outside the room and waited for his name to be called. He'd thought about getting a lawyer, but when he called for information the clerk assured him that it wasn't necessary. Still, he couldn't help the growing pit in his stomach as he surveyed the hallway, looking for Desiree.

Where in fuck is she?

He wasn't surprised that she was late; it was clear that she wasn't the most responsible person in the world. As the minutes ticked by, he got up several times and looked around for her, searching the faces of the anxious young women around him. He even went outside and checked the grounds and sidewalks, thinking maybe she smoked, or was conferring with a lawyer. He saw other people so engaged, but even after he paced the front and back spaces, there was no Des.

Maybe he'd missed her? But when he went back into the hallway, she wasn't there, either. Frowning, he took a seat and tried to distract himself with his cellphone. There were messages he needed to return and a couple of texts. It occurred to him that maybe she had tried to call, that something had come up, but he saw no communication from Desiree.

What the hell?
Turning off his cell, he leaned back against the wall, hearing the clerk call one name after another. Most of the women seemed nervous and fidgety, and the men in particular looked unhappy when leaving the courtroom. He imagined that a lot of these cases were child-support battles, which explained some of the stress he was feeling around him. Yet as the time dragged into the next hour, he got up and performed the same reconnaissance again with no result.

Where the hell was she? What kind of game was she playing now?

His questions went unanswered as he waited alone.

Forty-five minutes later, the clerk called his name. Entering the courtroom, he saw a female judge glance up from behind her desk, her expression bored.

“Maxwell versus Hart,” the clerk announced. Frowning, the judge peered over her glasses, noted his presence, and then glanced about the room.

“Who are we waiting for?”

“Desiree Maxwell.” The clerk walked outside and called the names again. Returning a few minutes later, he shrugged. “She doesn't appear to be present.”

The judge did an eye roll and then looked at Logan with interest. “I assume Ms. Maxwell is claiming that you are the father of her child?” She glanced over the paperwork before her.

“Yes,” Logan replied, his stomach churning. The tension that had been building inside of him was close to the surface: Cinnamon's fate lay in this woman's hands.

“Well, since she's not here, I'm dismissing the case. She will have to refile if she wants to establish paternity and obtain child support.” Her eyes shifted back to Logan. “You might want to consider a DNA test. That way if you are not the father, you won't have to return and go through this again.”

“Right. Good idea. So what happens now?”

The judge seemed surprised at his question. “You can go. The mother isn't here. I'm just sorry she's wasted your time, and the court's.”

He rose, more confused than ever. It was on the tip of his tongue to admit that, at present, the child was in his custody, but common sense told him to keep his mouth shut. He wasn't at all sure what would happen if the judge realized that Cinnamon was right now sleeping in his spare bedroom.

Logan walked out of the courtroom and stood outside in the bright sunlight, stunned by what had happened, or rather, what hadn't. What now? He had been waiting all this time for this day, thinking he would get resolution, but he was right back where he fucking started. Cinnamon was with him, and Desiree was gone.

For the life of him, he couldn't understand the woman's motivation. Did she, like him, doubt that the child was his? She had to know a DNA test would establish once and for all whether or not he was the father. So was her lawsuit simply a scare tactic?

Who the hell knew? But as he sat down on one of the benches outside, he was surprised to feel a flood of relief. No one was aware he had the baby, so no one would be coming to take her away unless he put his hand up.

He wasn't about to go that fucking route; it was entirely too risky. He wanted Cinnamon to feel loved, to know that she was well fed and cared for, that someone was playing with her, holding her, talking to her, and just looking out for her overall.

Someone like Isabella.

Logan frowned. His situation there was now even more complicated. He thought back to that morning, when she had offered to go to the courtroom with him, and he was touched all over again.

And he didn't want to be. There was no room in his life for a woman like Bella, or a baby. He'd been counting on taking the high road and keeping his hands off her for what he thought would be a relatively short time.

And now things could go on this way indefinitely…

Logan got to his feet. It was an impossible situation, but one he just had to deal with. Cinnamon was the important one here: her needs had to come first. And it was crystal clear to him that she had to have Isabella in her life.

The problem was, so did he.

She was waiting for him when he got home, even though it was late. Logan had taken a detour and had stopped at the gym, thinking a workout would help him clear his head. But it soon became apparent there weren't enough treadmill hours in a day, given the shit he was dealing with.

“It didn't go well?”

The anxiety was written all over her face. She was sitting at the kitchen table, reviewing what looked like a shopping list. But she put her pen down and bit her lip in worry as he threw his keys on the counter.

“No, it didn't fucking go well. She never showed,” he said, the anger clear in his voice. “Desiree. Nothing. No lawyer, no representative, and no her. Do you believe that shit? I don't know what she's thinking, what she's planning. I also don't know why she would go to all the trouble of filing a suit, and then just drop the whole thing.”

He expected her to react coldly to his rage, misdirected at her. And in a way, that would have been a good thing. But she surprised him once again.

“Oh, my God.” Isabella reacted more out of sympathy for Cinnamon than anything else. “Who does this? Just blows off a hearing to determine what happens to her child?” She shook her head in disbelief.

Logan shrugged. “They dismissed the case.” His eyes met hers, and they were filled with meaning. “They don't know I have the baby.”

“Ah.” She sank back into her chair. “So you didn't tell them?”

“No. I don't know what they will do. And I'm not willing to take that kind of a chance where Cinnamon is concerned.”

“I see.” Her brow knitted thoughtfully as she digested this news. “So what now?”

“I think it would be better to handle this privately,” he said, dropping in the chair across from her. “At least then I can have some say in the outcome. I need to hire a detective, someone who can find Desiree without notifying the authorities. Someone who will work for me.”

“That's a great idea.” Isabella lit up at the notion. “They can find people pretty easily these days once they locate a cellphone. And with the courtroom documentation, you probably have some good information on her. Like her Social Security number.”

He nodded. “Yeah. It's a start, at least. When I stopped by her house, her neighbor didn't know anything, but that could have changed. Maybe she's forwarded her mail. Maybe he'll remember a friend or family member. I don't have time to do this on my own, so it makes sense to hire some help.”

“And what about the DNA test?”

The question hung in the air for a long moment.
Could he tell her his reasoning? Could he trust her that much?

He didn't have a choice. She'd never understand if he didn't let her in. “I've been giving that a lot of thought. If it turns out she's mine, I'd have some rights. But what if she isn't?”

“I know. I mean, you would be justified not to assume responsibility for a child that isn't yours, but what would happen to her? What would become of Cinnamon?”

“Right. That's the part that stops me cold.” He gave a deep shudder, battled internally, gave up, and then looked directly into her eyes. “I'm going to tell you something I've never shared with another human being. It's not pretty. You cool with that?”

“Yes. Believe it or not, I know a lot of not pretty.”

“When I was a kid, I lived in the U.K. with a host family,” Logan said slowly, surprised at the shame that washed over him even as he recalled the memory. His throat ached and his stomach tightened, but he forced himself to continue. “Their son, Addison, he was just a kid himself. But I woke up one night, and he was…trying to touch me. Sexually.”

“Oh my God.” The color drained from her face, and Logan saw the horrified tension in her eyes.

“I kicked him out, and the fucker blamed me. When I got home, nobody said a fucking word. But I got the message. I don't know if my parents thought I'd instigated it; that's the story the shithead told his family. Or if they thought it was curiosity or some shit. In any case, I learned firsthand what could happen to a kid in that situation. Alone with strangers. No one to go to, no one to help. I just can't—”

“Risk that for Cinnamon. I've got it.”

Thank Christ, her voice was full of sympathy and emotion. Not judgment. Not scorn. The fear Logan had been carrying fell away like a suit of armor he didn't know he was wearing. Tenderness and relief bloomed inside him, and a crystal-clear thought came to him: This woman was a keeper.

Sucking in a breath, he was surprised to realize his pulse was still pounding. “So that's why I didn't get the test. I think the best thing to do, if you don't mind, is to keep Cinnamon here where she's well cared for. I don't think I could live with myself if she wound up in a bad situation.”

“I don't mind at all. I think that's a very good plan.”

Thank God
, he thought.
She is staying
.

They were no longer talking about a short-term position; this was a situation that could go on for years. While Isabella had made it clear she would travel with him when local, there were still occasions when he would be gone for long periods of time and she would be handling Cinnamon on her own. That was a lot of responsibility for anyone.

So he was further surprised when she got up and came to stand beside him. “I have to tell you something,” she said softly. “I really admire what you are doing for Cinnamon.”

“Thanks.” An unfamiliar emotion consumed him, and he swallowed hard. Why the fuck was she standing so close to him like this? Didn't she know what it did to him? Physically, he could feel a pull toward her so strong it took all his effort to remain seated. Yet, unwillingly, his hand took hers and he squeezed it hard.

She withdrew it a moment later, as if understanding everything he was feeling, and making it perfectly clear there were boundaries between them.

He got it. “So I guess I'm still your employer,” Logan said, his voice filled with regret. “Which means…”

“We can't get romantically involved.” She finished the sentence for him.

“Right.” He stared at her longingly, feeling a hunger so deep it hurt. “It would be a huge mistake.”

“Huge. And then it would be hard to work together, and that would affect Cinnamon.”

“I'm glad we can be so rational about these things,” Logan replied, softly touching her cheek, then his hand drifted lower to caress her neck with the back of his forefinger. “And discuss them openly.”

“I totally agree with your position,” Isabella said, but she swallowed hard as his second finger joined the first. “We are two intelligent adults, and can see past all that high school stuff. This is the right decision for everyone involved.”

She got up and started to walk past him, but he caught her and pulled her into his arms. Isabella looked up at him, startled, and he grinned at her expression.

“What the fuck. I've always wanted to go back to high school.”

His mouth took hers.