Hard Sell (3 page)

Chapter Six

Jesse wasn’t surprised when he got a text from Wes late Saturday morning. He felt that they would ultimately be more than a one-night thing.

Wes came over Sunday evening and made dinner for the two of them. It was their first real date without any pretense of house-buying or the porn star secret hanging over their heads. It was the start of their intense affair. They saw each other nearly every day. The sex was better each time they had it, which was every time they were together, although Wes refused to fuck Jesse or allow Jesse to fuck him. That wasn’t totally unusual, and the blow jobs and hand jobs were superb, although Jesse was hoping for more. Usually, Wes came over to Jesse’s apartment after work. Occasionally, they’d meet up for dinner, but they always ended the evening at Jesse’s apartment. Initially, Jesse was really happy. Wes told him so much about his life—about his mother, about his life in porn and why he left it, about real estate, about teaching his office assistant Lucy the ropes. One night, Wes had told him all about Bobby, clearly the love of his porn life. Jesse had felt a bit sorry for Wes. Bobby seemed to be the one that got away. Jesse could tell that Wes still cared about his former co-star a great deal.

As much as he appreciated Wes’ candor, it was the sameness that started to nag at Jesse. Wes never invited him over to his apartment. Wes said his mother knew he was gay, but was she the sort of parent who still wanted to deny that knowledge? Could she not handle him having a boyfriend? They went to Gary and Jeff’s a couple of times for dinner, which was fun. On one occasion, they had a quickie in the gazebo. Wes always said that Jesse’s place was so convenient, so close to his office. They even went to the same two places for dinner much of the time—the gastropub and the Italian place that Jesse liked.—and even then they didn’t go out to eat that often. Wes said that those were the only two places in Urlack worth going to for dinner. Jesse agreed, but still wondered why they couldn’t be a bit more adventurous just for the hell of it. Jesse was starting to wonder if he had become yet another of Wes’ secrets, and then he started to realize the truth. He had become one of Wes’ secrets. He had been in denial about the reason, but Wes was only partially out. His mother knew he was gay, as did Gary and Jeff and their friends, but Jesse doubted that knowledge about Wes’ sexuality went beyond that tight circle. He asked Wes about it one night when they were in bed after having sex.

“Isn’t it hard? You know, with only some people knowing who you really are?”

Wes opened his eyes. “Not really. Well, sometimes, I guess. I mean, not everyone has to know everything about me. It’s none of their business.”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Besides, if they knew I was gay, how long do you think it would take some people to figure out that I did porn? Who’d buy houses from me here if they knew?”

Jesse hadn’t known what to say to him at that point. He knew how conservative Urlack could be. Urlack residents might be accepting of homosexuality sometimes, but gay porn would be too high a mountain for them to climb.

*

Much as Jesse remembered from growing up in Urlack, the local chamber of commerce played a big role in the life of the community. It served as a launching pad for political careers and an endorsement from the chamber’s president in local political races could give a candidate a huge boost. Jesse was initially puzzled why a former porn star like Wes would want to be involved in an organization so interested in maintaining the status quo, but he got the sense that Wes had political ambitions and used the chamber for the networking possibilities. He also suspected that as a gay former porn star, Wes wanted to be part of the status quo. Whatever the reason, Wes devoted a lot of time to the chamber when he wasn’t helping people buy and sell real estate. In addition to chairing the chamber’s State Fair Committee, he also chaired the chamber’s Labor Day Picnic Committee. The picnic had been Wes’ idea, and it had become a huge deal in Urlack, much looked forward to by local families as it was a combined end-of-summer/back-to-school affair.

But Wes hadn’t mentioned anything about attending the picnic with Jesse. Wes had said more than once that, while the picnic had its fun moments, he really couldn’t relax. He told Jesse that he would still be “on” because the picnic was his gig.
I’d love to see you there
, he had told Jesse a few days before the picnic,
but I can’t guarantee that I’ll be that much fun to hang out with.

That didn’t sit right with Jesse, but all he said was that he probably wouldn’t be able to make it to the picnic anyway. His promotional video business was picking up and he had a couple of projects he was behind on anyway. He worked on those projects Saturday morning, mainly to take his mind off of Wes. Jesse was falling in love with Wes, but he was having doubts that were nagging at him. Then he got texts and phone calls from Lindy and Brian later in the morning, trying to entice him into coming to the picnic. His resistance didn’t last very long, so around noon he rode his bike over to the picnic to meet his brother and sister-in-law there.

He was impressed with the number of people at the picnic. The energy reminded him of the energy he’d noticed at street fairs in Chicago. It made him smile.
Maybe this picnic won’t be so bad
, he thought. He found Brian, Lindy and a few of their friends at a spot near the beer tent. They had opted to do their own grilling, so there was a wonderful aroma of meat sizzling. He was able to immerse himself in the fun of the picnic for about half an hour before thoughts of Wes intruded. He excused himself from the group and walked around for a bit. He caught a glimpse of Wes under a canopy. An attractive young woman stood next to him. There were a lot of people under the canopy. Maybe it was a chamber of commerce thing, Jesse thought. People were shaking Wes’ hand and he kept the young woman with him very close. He either held her hand or had his arm around her waist. Jesse tried to be nonchalant about his approach to the canopy. He was sure that Wes hadn’t seen him yet. He sidled under the canopy, accepting a clear plastic cup containing white wine from a young woman. It seemed to be some sort of VIP area. He sipped the wine and set the cup down on the nearest table.

As he neared Wes and the young woman who now had her hand on Wes’ shoulder, he saw that the two of them were talking with an older couple. Jesse decided sneaking around was silly, so he simply walked over to say hello.

“Hey, Wes! Great picnic!” he said.

To Jesse’s surprise, Wes didn’t miss a beat. He smoothly greeted Jesse and then introduced him to the older couple and to Lucy, the pretty young woman who, it turned out, was Wes’ assistant. Wes mentioned that he was helping Jesse’s brother and sister-in-law with buying a house and that Jesse had grown up in Urlack, had gone to Chicago and had recently moved back.

“A prodigal son, eh?” said the male of the older couple.

“We were just asking Wes when he was going to wake up and propose to Lucy here,” the woman said. “We know there are any number of young men who’d be interested in her. You must know that, too.”

“How long have you two been dating?” the man asked.

It took all the control of his facial muscles that Jesse could muster not to let his jaw drop.
Dating? Wes and Lucy?

“Oh, we’re taking our time, nothing wrong with that, is there?” Lucy said, offering the couple and Jesse a sweet smile.

“See ya around, Wes,” Jesse said. He walked from the canopy as fast as he could, making his way to the bike rack. He was unlocking his bike when he heard Wes behind him.

“Look, Jesse, what happened back there, it’s just some silliness I have to put up with sometimes,” Wes said.

Jesse straightened up. “You have to put up with? Why?”

“How about I come over tonight and we can talk about it? How does 8 o’clock sound?”

“It sounds like shit, Wes.”

“Come on. Let’s not do this here.”

“Why not? You know what? I like you, Wes, a lot. I care about you, which sucks for me because I can’t do this.”

Wes glanced around and stepped closer to Jesse. He placed his hand on Jesse’s arm. Jesse pulled away.

“I’ve been with closeted guys, but you’re not completely closeted like they were, which is almost harder. You’ve got one foot out of the closet, but the rest of you is firmly still in the closet way back behind the winter coats with your ass poking out into Narnia,” Jesse said.

“I tried to explain before. I could lose everything I’ve built here if I came out to all and sundry. It’s fine the way it is.” Wes kept glancing around.

Jesse looked over Wes’ shoulder and saw Lucy. She wasn’t within earshot, but she could probably see that the conversation he and Wes were having was awkward to say the least.

Wes had seen her, too. He waved to her. “I’ll be right there!” To Jesse he said, “We can talk about this later.”

“What’s the point? It’s not fine the way it is. Your life is good enough for you, but it’s not good enough for me.” Jesse got on his bike.

“What, Jesse? Because we don’t go to different restaurants or because I didn’t bring you as my date to this picnic?”

“You’ve got stuff you need to work out, Wes. I won’t be anyone’s dirty secret, and, to top it all off, you’re still mooning over some dude you fucked twenty years ago. That’s the truth. You wonder where he is now, and you can’t admit it. Well, why don’t you go find him, if you’re not afraid of what you’ll find out?”

Jesse biked around Wes. “This is a nice picnic, though. You got a good day for it.” He rode off. He thought he heard Wes call after him, but that could have just been the wind.

Chapter Seven

That night, Jesse called his old friend Jack. They had met on the gay swim team in Chicago. They had tried dating, but it became clear pretty quickly that they were better friends than lovers. Jack was about Wes’ age. Maybe he could help Jesse better understand what was going on with Wes. Jesse knew that Wes could have a better life involving more than just selling real estate, showing up to community events with a “girlfriend” and periodically getting glory hole blow jobs at the Emporium. He also knew he liked him, and it wasn’t just because he was
the
Wes Western! It was because he was Wes Mitchell, too. Closet and other issues aside, Jesse was attracted to him.

Jack and Jesse played catch-up. Jack’s old dog Gretchen had just been diagnosed with diabetes, and dealing with that was taking up a lot of Jack’s time. He also was launching a new consulting business and had a new boy toy in his mid-twenties who was running him ragged. Jesse told him about his business and his brother and sister-in-law’s hunt for the perfect house. And then he told him about Wes and how he was sweet on him.

“In a way, he’s really open. He’s good with people, but on the other hand, he’s so closed off. His life is in little boxes,” said Jesse. “He’s only out to a handful of people—his mom, his gay friends. I blew up at him. He’s using his office assistant as his beard.”

Jesse told Jack what he had said to Wes at the picnic, about Wes and Bobby Hawkes and his frustrations about being Wes’ dirty secret.

“I deserve better than that.”

“You’re right, but you have to understand,” Jack said. “Gay men of a certain age carry survivor’s guilt and trauma. They had sex, and people died. And he moved back to Urlack. You know Urlack better than me. His life is beautiful and cozy. It’s like you said. It’s good enough, and he doesn’t want you changing it.”

“How do I make this right?”

“That could be tough but not impossible,” Jack said. “Maybe he needs time. Maybe he does need to find Bobby. Maybe he needs to learn how much times have changed. He doesn’t have to be in the closet.”

“In a way, I can see his point about the porn stuff. I’m sure loads of guys and some women in Urlack watch porn, but Wes is a respectable guy now. Being gay is one thing, but doing porn? That might be too long a bridge for some people to cross. He could lose his business,” Jesse said.

“That’s a fair point, but someone has to really be hunting for him to find his old porn stuff. And people in smaller cities aren’t necessarily more homophobic. Wes is a hometown boy. He’s done well. From what you’ve told me, people really like and respect him. These days, that goes a long way. But you can’t push him. You’ve said what you needed to say, Jess.”

“So I should back off?”

“Probably a good idea. He knows what he needs to do. He’s probably always known,” Jack said.

They said their goodbyes, promising to see each other soon. Jesse got back to work, but it took him a while to get Wes off of his mind. He drank a beer and started working on the script for a car dealership’s new YouTube video, but his thoughts kept turning to Wes and what he would look like making a video today.

Chapter Eight

Wes woke up Sunday morning not feeling well rested and a bit shaken from his confrontation with Jesse at the picnic the day before. Right after Jesse rode off, he had felt irritated, wondering why Jesse had ruined a good thing, but as the day wore on, Wes felt less irritated and more disappointed in himself. He may not have liked the way Jesse had delivered the message, but he couldn’t deny that Jesse was right. His life was good enough. Jesse was right that it could be better, but habits of a lifetime were hard to break. What had really stung, though, was what Jesse had said about Bobby Hawkes, like he had dared him to find Bobby. Wes took the dare, got online and began his search for Bobby, who had simply disappeared many years ago.

One day Wes went into work on the set, and Bobby just wasn’t there anymore. What had been planned as a twosome turned into a jack-off scene with Wes by himself. He never saw Bobby again. Wes woke up one morning, looked in the mirror and knew it was his turn to disappear or die. He wouldn’t be the first dead porn star, but he wasn’t ready to die. When he got the call about his mother’s stroke, he knew what he had to do. His bags were packed by the end of the day. Wes had never forgotten Bobby’s lips and how they felt when they first touched the nape of his neck and moved down his chest. Bobby would always stick his tongue into Wes’ belly button. Wes remembered how that tickled.

Wes started his search by going back to the Where Are They Now site he had found a month ago. He saw the pictures of himself and of Bobby again. This time he took his search further. He strained to remember stray details and hints that Bobby had dropped about his life before porn, but after nearly two hours he had reached innumerable dead ends and his eyes were tired. He had found, to his shock, Facebook fan groups and other websites devoted to porn stars like him and Bobby. It just seemed weird to him that anyone still cared enough to devote time and energy to something he’d left behind long ago. Eyes bleary and tired, he had crawled back into bed then and promptly fallen asleep.

He overslept so he was a little late for a coffee date with his old friend Chan, the man who had gotten him into the real estate business in the first place. Chan was his mentor but also his friend. He never minced words.

“You look like shit,” he said.

Wes yawned. “That bad, huh? Bad night.”

Chan gave what Wes regarded as an appraising look. “Actually, you don’t look that bad even though you look like shit. Unlike us mere mortals, you start at the Gods of Olympus threshold when it comes to looks.”

“That makes me feel a little better,” Wes said.

Chan’s wife had died a year ago. They had been married for forty years. Chan seemed okay. He was slowly building a life without her, but there was loneliness in his eyes.

Wes had his usual cappuccino with extra froth. Chan had his coffee black. They talked about the state of the real estate market, the houses they had sold three or four times, the customers who had gotten away.

“You know, Wes, you usually don’t regret what you’ve done,” Chan said, getting a faraway look in his eyes. “You regret what you didn’t do and the relationships that got away.”

“Oh yeah, real estate is like that,” Wes said, sipping his cappuccino.

“I’m not talking about real estate,” said Chan.

“Oh,” said Wes still not quite sure what he was getting at.

“I’m talking about love. I’m talking about the people who slip through our fingers like sand. When you find someone who can see your heart, don’t let them go.” Chan sniffed at his coffee.

“Your wife was a good woman,” said Wes. “I’m sorry she died. I’m sorry you had to let her go.”

“I’m not talking about her,” said Chan. “Don’t get me wrong. Eva was a great woman, and I loved her. I still do. I miss her every single day, but there was someone else who touched me, someone who I’ve never forgotten.”

“She must have been quite a woman,” Wes said, raising his cup to his lips.

“I didn’t say the person was female,” said Chan.

“Why are you telling me this now?” Wes placed his cup down.

“You look like you need to hear it, and I would regret it if I didn’t say something. I don’t have time for any more regrets.”

Wes wasn’t sure what to think. Chan didn’t know he was gay or, at least, Wes didn’t think he did. He and Chan were longtime friends, but they spoke mostly of real estate.

As if on cue, Chan said, “There’s more to life than real estate and work. Really. Trust me. If you’re hurting for someone, and you look like you are, go for it. No matter who he is. Go for it like you would a big sale. I learned that too late.”

Wes stared at Chan. A silence settled on the table. They finished their coffees, and Chan headed out to stroll around town. Wes headed back home where he plunged into his search for Bobby Hawkes again. He had dismissed a possible search strategy earlier because he really didn’t think it would amount to much. Now he thought, “Why the hell not?” He remembered that Bobby, unknown to anyone else in the porn industry back then, had been a keen bird watcher. Wes began plugging in versions of Bobby’s first name with his porn name as well as the names of any birds he could think of. In one of the web browser tabs he had open, he found a mention of Bobby Hawkes deep in the comments of a gay porn site. The commenter, calling himself
BigTool10
, said he could have sworn he saw Bobby Hawkes in Chicago. “Lkd older. Loked like a hot older dude wearing a collar.” The comment was dated a couple of years ago. Wes was puzzled by the “wearing a collar” bit.

In the other tabs, he searched for Bobby Sparrow, Robert Oriole, Rob Robin, and Bobby Dove, among others. When he clicked around the third page of search results for Robert Dove, Wes found himself looking at a picture in a church newsletter. In the picture were a handsome man wearing a clerical collar, an attractive woman (presumably his wife) and three children (presumably their children). Wes knew who the man was. It had to be Bobby Hawkes. The caption stated that the man’s name was Rev. Robert Dove, the pastor of the First Presbyterian Church of Kanleen. He was older, his face a little fuller, but it was the Bobby he had once known. Dove’s wife’s name, according to the caption, was Sylvia. Wes almost forgot to breathe. Jesse was right. He needed to see Bobby. He needed finally to tell him how he felt about him. It was too late to get to Kanleen, a town just a couple of hours away, for today’s services, but he would go next Sunday. Fortunately, Wes had a packed schedule this coming week, and that included the barbecue out at Gary and Jeff’s on Labor Day itself. He decided he really couldn’t contact Jesse again until he had seen Bobby.

*

Wes made a decision to miss the morning worship at the First Presbyterian Church of Kanleen, which seemed like it would be a bit staid. The church held a Sunday afternoon jazz worship service led by Rev. Dove who, according to the church newsletter, often sat in with the small jazz group playing the tenor saxophone. That might be more interesting, and there’d probably be fewer people there, too. Wes vaguely recalled Bobby telling him once that he had been in band in high school. As he drove past Big Ed’s, rows of corn and soybeans, and wind turbines, Wes thought a lot about Bobby, but he also wondered how Jesse was doing. He hoped Jesse didn’t think he’d forgotten about him. Throughout the week, he had been tempted to contact him, but he thought that they need a little time apart. Besides, they’d been having fun sleeping together. They’d never talked about dating exclusively, but he liked Jesse a lot. He cared what Jesse thought of him. Even if they didn’t end up getting serious, he wanted Jesse to know that he was done hiding from his past and himself.

When he got to the church, he sat in his car a couple of minutes, dreading the moment he’d actually go in. Would Bobby recognize him? Maybe he was completely wrong and Rev. Dove was just some random dude who happened to look very much like a guy he had loved. The church was a red brick building surmounted by a white steeple. A handful of people were heading inside. It was a small town so everyone knew each other. They greeted each other with hugs and handshakes. He’d stick out like a sore thumb. He waited until everyone had gone in. He slipped in at the back.

Wes sat in a back pew, letting the words and music of the service waft through and over him. He was startled a bit when he first caught sight of Bobby. Yes, it was Bobby. His mannerisms—the way he ran his fingers through his hair as if combing it, the way he cocked his head when he listened—were the same. Wes was no expert on music and knew little about jazz, but he thought Bobby’s tenor saxophone playing was good. At one point, a small child, a boy, came running in and hugged Bobby’s leg. The child looked like Bobby. It had to be his son. Then he ran out.

At the end, when Bobby delivered the benediction, Wes realized he had been gripping the back of the pew in front him for several minutes. He relaxed his grip as the service ended. He stood and began moving toward the front of the sanctuary. The friendly congregants introduced themselves to Wes, asking where he was from and if he was new in the area. Finally, Wes got to shake Bobby’s hand.

“You’re new to the congregation,” Bobby said, looking into Wes’ eyes. “Welcome! We’re glad you’re here.” He spoke slowly and deliberately.

People were still milling around, but, for Wes, he and Bobby could have been completely alone. It certainly felt like there was no one else around.

“Do you have a moment, Rev. Dove? I need to speak to you in private,” Wes said.

Bobby nodded. The usual congregants said their goodbyes while Bobby led Wes to his office and shut the door. Bobby motioned Wes to sit in one of the easy chairs surrounding a small conversation table. There was a Bible on the table and a copy of the church newsletter. He offered Wes tea, coffee or water. Wes opted for water while Bobby made himself some tea.

“So you found me,” Bobby said.

“Yeah. I’d run into a lot of dead ends. I remembered that you loved bird watching. That’s how I found you.” Wes sipped some water. He felt like gulping it all down to wet his dry throat.

“Very clever and well remembered. Still love it, bird watching, I mean. Sylvia, my wife, and I are going to the Scilly Islands next year to do some birding.” Bobby grinned and looked a bit wistful.

Wes had never heard of the Scilly Islands. “Where are they?”

“Off the coast of Cornwall in England. How about you? What do you these days?”

“I’m a real estate agent over in Urlack. That’s where I’ve lived since I left the business.”

“What do you know? Sylvia’s in real estate, too. She’s been doing it for a few years now. She does all right. How about you?”

“I do quite well, actually.” Wes smiled.

“That doesn’t surprise me. What’s that saying about selling ice to Eskimos or something? That’s you.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Wes said.

“I meant it as a compliment.” Bobby blew on his tea and took a sip. “What made you leave the business, Wes?”

He told Bobby how he used his mother’s stroke as an excuse to get out of West Hollywood and come home. He talked about his real estate business, and his assistant, a smart young woman who had a bright future in real estate if she wanted it.

“Why did you leave, Bobby? Why did you leave without saying goodbye?”

Bobby seemed to relax a bit. He sipped some more tea before he replied. Bobby Hawkes had indeed become Robert Dove, another pseudonym. He’d had so many names that he barely remembered his real one. Bobby had left West Hollywood abruptly. He didn’t know why, but one day he had woken up knowing it was time to go so he did. He wandered around a bit and decided to pursue the ministry. He had always known that he was bisexual, even though when he was with gay guys, he usually said he was gay. He met Sylvia about a decade ago and married her. They had three children. He was out as bisexual but didn’t talk about his porn past. His church welcomed gay people. There weren’t many around, but he knew the church was a good place for the handful of gay teens and their parents who lived in the area.

“I’m sorry I left without letting you know I was leaving. I think if I had seen you before I left, it would have been harder for me to leave. I probably would have stayed,” Bobby said.

Wes was stunned. He had meant something to this man. Bobby had taken a chance, Wes realized, by saying what he had said. He decided it was time for him to take a chance, too.

“I loved you, you know.”

Bobby nodded and smiled a little. “I know. I loved you, too,” he said quietly.

Wes was gratified to finally hear Bobby say it, but it hurt, too. Their moment, if there ever had been a moment for them to be able to truly love each other, was long gone.

“I haven’t loved anyone since. I’ve dated. I’ve had sex, but I don’t know. I just couldn’t seem to do it. I guess I settled into a bit of a routine working all day and taking care of my mother. There’s a sex shop on the outskirts of town that I go to sometimes. You know in July they had a sign with an old photo of me and the title, ‘vintage porn star of the month.’ Ouch.”

Bobby grinned. “We are vintage at this point in time. You didn’t come here to rekindle an old flame, did you? That wouldn’t be possible.”

“No, no, no,” Wes said, waving him off.

“So what’s this all about? Why are you here?” Bobby looked confused.

Wes didn’t answer. He realized he had told Bobby what he had always wanted to tell him, and now he wasn’t sure how to continue. He told Bobby about the Facebook groups and websites he’d found that were devoted to keeping the memory of them and other porn stars of yesterday alive. Bobby was just as astonished as Wes had been.