Happy Endings (35 page)

‘Agh!’ screamed Kate.

‘Agh!’ screamed Emma and they grabbed each other and did a girlie jig that involved them holding each other and going around in circles and bouncing up and down. Some of the other punters were looking across at them, while Ed and I just stood and watched.

‘Hello, mate,’ said Ed calmly.

‘All right,’ I replied, while the girls’ squealing volume eventually died down and instead they just resorted to saying, ‘Oh my God’ over and over again. And then they started crying.

‘I’ll get the drinks,’ I said.

‘I’ll give you a hand,’ said Ed, while the weeping girls staggered off together towards our table.

I hadn’t seen Ed since our last big chat and I was desperate to ask him how things were going with Kate. It can’t have been easy seeing her again and I assumed they were still together and everything was all right. Ed looked different too. He looked younger somehow and instead of his usual outfit of polo shirt and smart jeans, he was wearing a white T-shirt with a Fiji Bitter logo and casual jeans. He also had a few days stubble and his hair was longer. Something was definitely going on.

‘Nice T-shirt,’ I said.

‘Oh, yeah, Kate got it for me.’

‘And how’s things with you two?’

Ed looked at me and smiled.

‘Never better,’ he said before his face dropped into a frown. ‘Listen, Kate told me all about the baby. I’m so sorry, mate; I can’t imagine how difficult it must be.’

‘Oh, right, thanks. It’s been tough, but we’re getting through it together,’ I said, smiling, but inside the knots of pain began to pull at my heart. Ed and I stood together for a moment, neither of us really sure what to say next. Ed gave me a pat on the shoulder and a solid smile. ‘So, what’s next for you and Kate?’

‘We have a bit of an announcement, actually, but I’ll wait until we’re all together for that,’ said Ed conspiratorially. ‘Let’s get the drinks in first.’

‘Sounds like a plan.’

It was a mixture of the surreal and wonderful to all be together again. It had felt like such a long time, but with Kate back in the group it worked. We’d been missing a side to our square, but now she was back, it was just like old times again.

Back at the table Kate was going through the highlights of her trip with Emma, who sat laughing, smiling and nodding and looking completely enthralled. I knew inside she was still distraught about the baby, but she didn’t show it.

Emma had always amazed me. From the moment we met at that karaoke night in Camden, I’d always been in such awe of her inner strength and determination.

I was drunk because it was karaoke and I could only sing in front of people with at least five pints in me. Emma was in the crowd with a couple of actor friends and I was supposed to be singing ‘Angels’ by Robbie Williams. However, as soon as the music started playing I realised it wasn’t ‘Angels’ at all, but ‘I Got You Babe’ by Sonny and Cher – a couple’s duet. I stood up there like a lemon for the first few bars without a clue what to do next, while my friends were in hysterics in the crowd. It was embarrassing to say the least and just as I was about to walk off stage and return to my group, tail between my legs, someone appeared next to me, grabbed the other microphone and started singing. It was Emma.

I was in love with her by the second verse. She always claimed she did it because she was an actress and wanted to hog the limelight, but I always thought she did it because she saw something in me. Either way we never looked back after that night and haven’t since.

‘We have some news,’ said Kate when we were all caught up and there was a small break in conversation. Ed and Kate looked at one another and then smiled. ‘We’re moving to Japan to teach English for the next year.’

As soon as Kate said it my eyes drifted across to Emma. She had that look she gets just before she’s about to burst into tears. She was desperately trying to hold it in, but she couldn’t.

‘What’s the matter?’ said Kate straight away, putting an arm around her shoulder.

‘It’s OK,’ said Emma through snotty tears. ‘I’m OK.’ She wasn’t though. I knew her and she wasn’t OK. Emma had always been so strong; through every acting disappointment and argument with her mother, but when it came to losing her baby, she’d fallen apart. ‘I’m just sad you’re leaving again.’

‘I’m sorry, Em,’ said Kate. ‘You can always come and visit.’

‘We’d love to,’ I said, reaching across and putting my hand on Emma’s leg and giving it a gentle squeeze.

‘Are you going to be here for our wedding?’ said Emma, sniffing up tears.

‘I wouldn’t miss it for the world and anyway, I’m a bridesmaid remember,’ said Kate. ‘I’m sort of a big deal.’

We spent the next few hours drinking, talking and enjoying each other’s company again. Kate told us all about life as a backpacker and Ed gave us the rundown on his new life on the dole. It was strange to think of Ed as anything but a City boy because that’s all I’d ever known. He definitely seemed happier though and more relaxed. Instead of checking his phone every few minutes for texts or popping outside to take a quick phone call, he was involved in the conversation, making jokes and behaving very un-Ed-like. But it was better. He was a better version of himself and it was all because of Kate.

I think that when it comes down to it, that’s what real love is. It makes us a better version of ourselves. Emma definitely made me better than I was on my own. Every part of me that didn’t work, every bit that brought me down, she fixed and made better. We all have our faults, but isn’t that the meaning of life? To find the one person who has all the answers to your questions and all the solutions to your problems. I think that’s why losing the baby was so hard on Emma, because she finally realised what she needed to complete her. She needed a baby and for a moment she thought she had it. We both did.

As the afternoon wore on, I became more and more frantic with worry. I was sure Morris wasn’t going to call or, if he did, it was going to be bad news. It had to be. Emma, Ed and Kate tried to keep my spirits raised and kept me lubricated and fed. It was almost six o’clock when my phone finally rang. It was sitting in the middle of the table surrounded by empty crisp packets and half-finished drinks. We all stopped talking and just stared at it. I’d been waiting all day, but once it came, I didn’t know what to do. I was frozen.

‘Pick it up!’ everyone shouted in unison.

‘Hello,’ I mumbled.

My tongue felt very large in my mouth and I stood up, expecting the worst.

‘Jack, it’s Morris.’

‘Right.’

Kate, Emma and Ed were all standing up too, looking at me with excited but nervous faces, crossing their fingers in a show of unity.

‘It’s good news, Jack. We’ve had a fantastic response from several of the publishers we sent the book to already. The auction started this morning and we’ve received a two-book deal with an advance of eighty thousand pounds, which I wholeheartedly encourage you to accept. Give me your decision on Monday. You’re going to be a published author, Jack, and trust me you’re going to be huge. Lots of work still to be done, but we can go over that next week. For the time being though, I’d have a few drinks if I were you.’

Morris stopped talking and it was as if the whole world stopped with him. I didn’t know what to say. My whole life seemed to be squeezed into a moment. I felt like I’d won the lottery and in many ways I had. My dreams had finally come true.

‘You OK, Jack?’ said Morris when I hadn’t said anything for thirty seconds.

‘Yes, sorry, a bit lost. I don’t know what to say.’

‘Then don’t say anything. I’ll see you on Monday. Enjoy your weekend.’

‘I will, bye,’ I said and then he was gone.

‘Well?’ everyone shouted at me.

I looked around at my friends and an overwhelming feeling of happiness, elation and relief washed over me.

‘They offered me a two-book deal, a huge advance, plus royalties,’ I said, looking at Emma, tears suddenly awash in my eyes. ‘I’m going to be a writer.’

Emma was crying, Kate was crying, Ed was patting me on the back and tears were streaming down my face. I had made it and suddenly I thought of my father. It was like I could feel him in me and I knew he was proud. I had everything I’d ever wanted.

Just at that moment, as if to make it even more profound, the Oasis classic ‘Rock ’n’ Roll Star’ started pouring out of the speakers. I was there with my soon-to-be wife and our two best friends, huddled together in happiness singing along in the middle of the pub.

It wasn’t that I was or would ever be a rock ’n’ roll star, but for that glorious moment, I certainly felt like one.

Emma

The first time I fell in love I was eight years old. I saw the video to a Jason Donovan song and I instantly fell in love with him. In the video Jason was walking over a mountain, his gorgeous blond hair blowing in the wind and he was playing guitar and singing and suddenly I knew what I wanted more than anything in the world. I wanted to live on that mountain with Jason Donovan and at eight I really thought it might come true. Of course, when it didn’t pan out, I was bitterly disappointed, but by then I’d also grown up a bit and realised it probably wasn’t a realistic target anyway. Jason was a lot older than me and he probably didn’t really spend his time up mountains singing love songs.

Paul was my second love and that didn’t end well either. It wasn’t until I met Jack that I found love again. Jack. My wonderful Jack, who seemed the perfect combination of Jason Donovan and Paul: an Australian artist with devastating good looks and blond hair.

Then there was my fourth love, my latest love, and the one that would end before it had really begun. Our baby. It might sound a bit silly because it wasn’t yet a fully formed life, but I already loved our little baby so much. I’d known so many different sorts of love during my life, from the celebrity crush, the adolescent first boyfriend to Jack, my soulmate, but none of them felt the same as being a mother. It was a different love altogether that grew as the baby grew inside of me: a pure, aching desire that was more biological than anything else. Then it was gone.

It was a Thursday two weeks before our wedding and I was at home with my feet curled up on the sofa, a glass of red wine hanging limply from my fingers and Kate opposite me. Jack and Ed were at the pub and so we finally had the chance for a proper girlie catch up. Since she’d got back from her trip, we hadn’t had the time, but finally it was just us.

‘How’re you doing now?’ said Kate, taking a sip of wine.

‘OK, I suppose. I don’t cry every minute of every day anymore, but it still makes me sad.’

‘Of course, Em, you lost a baby. Anyone would be sad in your boat.’

‘And I suppose that’s it, isn’t it? With Jason Donovan I grew up, with Paul we broke up, and I still have Jack, but with the baby it was taken from me. No warning, no time to say goodbye and it hurt. Really hurt.’

‘You’re allowed to grieve. Just because it wasn’t born, it doesn’t mean you didn’t lose a baby, a whole life. It doesn’t mean you didn’t love it. And what about Jack? How’s he dealing with it?’

‘He’s been so busy with the book. I know he’s hurting too, but he can lose himself in work.’

‘Not getting back to work yourself?’

‘Not at the moment. To tell you the truth, I’ve sort of lost my passion for it. All I really want at the moment is to get pregnant again.’

‘Have you and Jack been, you know, trying?’

I’d told Jack about my decision to try for another baby. I think he was a bit shocked at first because he’d assumed I would try and get back on the horse and start auditioning again. However, once the dust had settled, he agreed and said he couldn’t wait to be a father. I think losing his dad had left a hole in his life and what better way to fix it than to become a father himself.

‘It’s early days,’ I said with a grin and Kate yelled excitedly. ‘Anyway, enough about me. I want all the juicy details from your trip. All the goss about Jez and leave nothing out.’

Kate gave me a coy smile.

‘He was wonderful, Em, truly gorgeous, and he had this way about him that made me so happy. You know we met in Bangkok; he saved me at the airport when I was all alone and it grew from there. We spent ten days on Koh Phangan, and we only had one bed in our cottage by the beach.’

‘Which you didn’t have sex in, right?’

‘It’s sort of funny but because we were so close and we got on so well, it made sex seem less important. I suppose because in my head I had already cheated on Ed, I didn’t need to actually do the act. Plus, I didn’t want to lead Jez on. I didn’t want him to like me any more than he already did.’

‘And then what happened in Peru? You never said.’

‘I was getting ready to go to Machu Picchu and he just turned up out of the blue. It was magic, Em, better than Thailand, actually. God, it sounds silly now sitting here with you, but it was so in the moment, you know. He told me he loved me.’

‘Shit, what did you say?’

‘I didn’t know what to say, but I sort of knew then that we couldn’t be together. I felt awful and I really liked him, but it wouldn’t have worked out. He was twenty-two, just starting out, and I already had a few miles on the clock. It was fine when we were travelling, but back home I knew it wouldn’t have been the same. Then there was Ed.’