Happy Endings (31 page)

‘When Emma told me she was pregnant, I was shocked. I hadn’t thought about having a baby yet; it was always something for the future. Something for one day. But as soon as she told me, I was ready. I wanted you more than I’ve wanted anything else my whole life. I didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl, but I loved you unconditionally and knew I would for the rest of my life. You were taken before I had the chance to meet you, but you’ll always be in my heart. Always be my baby.’

Jack spoke quietly and compassionately and I loved him more and more with every word. I wasn’t sure how much he felt the loss until I heard his voice, wavering on the brink of tears. Jack and I stood together staring down at the plant for maybe thirty minutes. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, my whole body had felt such a huge rush of love, I knew then that I wanted a baby more than anything else in the world.

As I stood there with Jack, I realised something. I still wanted to be a mother and I wanted Jack to be a dad. I wanted us to try again. I wanted a baby.

To: Kate Jones

From: Emma Fogle

Subject: Re: Bula!

K,

I don’t really know how to begin this. I lost the baby, Kate. I’m just completely numb with pain and shock and I don’t know what to do with myself. Sorry it’s taken me so long to write to you, but I didn’t know what to say. I still don’t, actually. When it happened, I knew I was losing my baby. I could feel it deep inside me. It sounds crazy, but I felt them die and I haven’t been able to shake that feeling since.

Jack’s been wonderful and before I forget to mention it, he’s got an agent. They contacted him and offered to represent him. It couldn’t have come at a better time. I have my fingers crossed for him because he deserves it. And I’m useless at the moment. I can barely get out of bed in the morning.

I’m sorry I’m telling you the news like this. I was going to call but I would have just cried for an hour and I didn’t want to do that to you. By the time you get back, I hope it won’t be quite as raw and painful as it is now. I’ve never felt anything like it. I was so excited to be a mummy, but now I just feel lost. I can’t even think about acting. All I want is to be pregnant again. I loved waking up every day knowing that a baby was growing inside me. It gave my life a whole new perspective and I miss it so much.

I’m going to ask Jack if we can try again. I know this baby wasn’t planned, but it changed me. It made me realise what I need to be happy. I want that feeling again. I don’t expect anyone to understand, but being pregnant I felt for the first time a complete sense of calm. It’s like there was always a hole in my life and being pregnant filled it up.

I hope you’re having fun in South America and I can’t wait to see you soon.

Love Em X

Kate

‘I wanted to be amazing,’ I said to Jez, my voice almost breathless. The hike was becoming harder and harder the higher we got and the air became thinner with every footstep. It didn’t seem to bother Jez, but it really got to me and gave me a constant headache. Luckily, the pleasure and pure awe I felt just being there made it bearable. ‘That sounds so silly now. “I wanted to be amazing.” Doesn’t everyone?’

‘You’d be surprised,’ said Jez with a smile.

‘I don’t know, it just sounds so juvenile. I’m going to be thirty in two days and I had this ridiculous idea I needed to feel amazing again, but that isn’t real life, is it? Real life’s getting up for work, paying bills, shopping, laundry. That’s real life. This is just . . .’

‘Just what?’ said Jez, looking at me for a moment. ‘This isn’t real? We aren’t real?’

‘Of course we are, but one day we’re going to have to go home and face reality.’

‘And we can’t keep this up, is that what you’re saying? You and I can only work when we’re thousands of miles from home without the day-to-day of real life. Doing laundry or popping to Tesco for a pint of milk is going to ruin what we have?’

It seemed to be the sword of Damocles that constantly hung over us. Everything had felt so right in Thailand and again in Peru, but my time travelling was almost up – and then what? How would it feel back home in England? How would I feel when I saw Ed again? Jez and I were on holiday and it was fun and romantic, but we were in a bubble and neither of us really knew what was going to happen when the bubble burst.

‘That’s not what I’m saying.’ I tried to be reassuring, reaching down and holding his hand. ‘I’m saying that eventually this is going to end and real life’s going to resume, but right now, I just want to enjoy this. Live only in the moment.’

‘That’s fine by me,’ said Jez with a lovely smile, squeezing my hand.

‘And it was a lot more than just wanting to feel amazing again.’

‘What else was it?’ said Jez as we trudged slowly up the hillside.

‘It was about getting back something I’d lost. Something I used to have. I don’t know. I’ve made a lot of bad decisions over the last few years and it had nothing to do with Ed. It was me and they didn’t necessarily feel like bad decisions at the time, but looking back they were. I think coming away was a way to start over. Push the reset button.’

‘And?’

‘And life doesn’t work like that, does it? As much as I want to be twenty-one again, I’m not. I can’t feel the same way I used to. We can’t go backwards, only forwards, and that old me is long gone, but I think I’ve found something else. A new me.’

‘And isn’t that what travelling’s really about? Discovering bits of ourselves we didn’t know existed.’

‘Between the drinking, lying on beaches and incredible experiences like this, yes, that’s exactly what it’s about.’

‘And what did you discover?’

Jez looked at me with a salacious grin, but I wasn’t going to give him that piece of me yet. What I’d learnt and become on that trip needed more time to formulate and grow.

‘That’s a conversation for another day,’ I said, looking up the long path ahead, steep, rocky and full of overgrown plants that blocked our way.

It was day two of our hike and another long but wonderful one. The mountainous scenery was breathtakingly beautiful and being with Jez made the whole experience unforgettable. After meeting up again it was like we’d never been apart. After Machu Picchu, I only had a few more days left in Peru before I flew to Los Angeles for the last few weeks of my trip. Seven nights in LA, a week going to see the Grand Canyon, Las Vegas and San Francisco, and then it was back to England; back to Ed and time to face the music. Six months had gone so quickly and it was almost time to make a decision about Jez. Neither of us had said much about it, both of us too afraid to contemplate the inevitable. Our paths, which had crossed so serendipitously, would soon be veering off in different directions yet again and I couldn’t help but wonder if there would be another chapter to our story.

Then there was Ed. Where did I stand with Ed? I honestly didn’t know. Would he even be at the airport when I got back? We owned the house together and so, whatever happened, it wasn’t going to be an easy plaster to rip off. Our lives were intertwined so intricately that pulling them apart would take time and considerable effort. I didn’t even know if I wanted to break it apart, because I still loved him. I couldn’t forget the happier times because there had been so many, and just thinking about those made me question everything I felt for Jez.

At the end of our second day we had time at Cocalmayo medicinal hot springs near Santa Teresa. They were beautiful and surrounded on all sides by lush, green mountains. After hiking for eight hours, taking our shoes and socks off felt beyond wonderful and then slipping into a bikini and into the hot springs was heaven. I sat in there with Jez, looking around at the extraordinary view, a beer in my hand, and I felt like so lucky. It was exactly why I’d gone travelling in the first place.

‘A penny for your thoughts?’ said Jez, poking a finger at my forehead like a pretend gun.

‘I was just thinking how incredible this is and how I couldn’t ever regret travelling because of moments like this.’

‘I was thinking the same thing.’

‘Oh, really.’

‘Well, not exactly the same. I’ve never for one moment regretted coming away or thought about anything but enjoying myself. And Richard, of course. I was just thinking how perfect this was though, being here with you, seeing Machu Picchu. I couldn’t be any happier.’

‘Any happier?’

‘If you were officially my girlfriend that might make me a smidgen happier.’

‘You know it isn’t that simple, right?’

‘I know,’ said Jez, disappointed.

‘I don’t know what’s going to happen with Ed when I get back. I don’t know what’s going to happen with me.’

‘It’s OK, Kate, I understand,’ said Jez and then he kissed me. ‘Just promise me one thing.’ I had a sudden case of déjà vu. ‘Promise me you’ll consider me. Promise you’ll at least give us a shot.’

This part of the trip was supposed to be about me. I needed to figure out my problems. I couldn’t promise Jez anything any more than I could promise Ed. At that moment, I just needed to be me. I thought about my time in Fiji with Mhairi and Tash. I thought about Orla and Bryan. I thought about everything. Ed, my father and the mess I was going home too. I was the last person to be promising anything to anyone.

‘I can’t make any promises,’ I said with a smile. ‘Sorry.’

The warm water of the spa fizzed around our bodies and we sat in there for maybe an hour before we got out, our skin shrivelled up like prunes. We had the evening ahead of us. A night of drinking, talking, playing cards and relaxing before another early night. The six a.m. starts were killing us. Just one more day of hiking and then the following morning we’d be at Machu Picchu and I’d be thirty years old. It was hard to imagine. Thirty, it seemed so old.

It was pitch black as Jez and I stood with the rest of our group outside the gates of Machu Picchu. It was just before six o’clock and we’d made it – we were just waiting to go in and see the sunrise over the ancient ruins. It was freezing cold and Jez had on his full Incan outfit, but I wasn’t laughing: I was wearing as many layers as I could fit on and it wasn’t keeping me quite so warm. The sheer number of stars was incredible but the moon was the real star of the show, shining brighter and bigger than I’d ever seen it before.

Before I left England, this was the one thing I couldn’t wait to experience. It was also my birthday. My big Three-O. I’d already received a text from Emma and one from Mum, but nothing from Ed. We hadn’t spoken at all since our conversation in Australia and he hadn’t replied to my last couple of texts.

‘Happy birthday,’ said Jez as they finally opened the gates; the sun peeked around a mountain and we started the walk in. I smiled and held his hand.

There are no words to describe the beauty of Machu Picchu at sunrise. Jez and I found a small patch of grass and sat and watched as the sun rose over the mountains and bathed Machu Picchu in light. We kept warm under a blanket, holding hands, and it felt like the end of my trip in many ways. I still had a couple more days in Peru and then America, but at that moment I realised I’d achieved everything I had set out to do.

‘Why are you crying?’ said Jez, wiping a tear from my cheek.

‘I don’t know,’ I said, the tears still coming. ‘Because it’s so beautiful.’

‘It is,’ said Jez. ‘The most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.’

To: Emma Fogle

From: Kate Jones

Subject: Re: Bula!

Em,

I’m so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain of losing a baby. I just can’t believe it and I feel numb too. I wish I was there to help you through this. I’ll be back soon. I don’t know what to say. I already bought the baby a present from Peru. I’ll still bring it home for you. It’s just unbelievable that it could happen to you and so far in. I always thought once you got past the first few months you’d be all right. I realise this must be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to go through and nothing I say is going to help, but just know I’m here for you. Always.

It feels a bit insensitive to go on about what I’ve been doing, but then again maybe reading this might help take your mind off it for a minute or two, so here’s my update. I just got back from Machu Picchu and celebrating my thirtieth birthday. Machu Picchu was even more impressive and even more incredible than I could ever describe. The hike itself was difficult, which was part of the experience and made it even more memorable. There is one interesting piece of news. You’ll never guess who’s here . . . Jez!

I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say it’s complicated. I will try and give you a call when I get to Los Angeles. Things are a bit more rustic in Peru. I’m leaving tomorrow and time to say goodbye to Jez again.

I love you so much, Em, and it might be impossible to think about now, but one day you’re going to be a wonderful mother. I just know it.

Love K x

Ed

There was something I’d never told Kate about the day we met.

I met her during the last month of university. We were both studying at Middlesex University in north London. I was studying business and finance and she was studying English literature. We were at different campuses, which would explain why we hadn’t met during the previous three years.