Happenstance (20 page)

“V, you ok?” my brother asks standing at the doorway frowning.
“You look pale.”

I swallow. “Yeah,” I answer hoarsely. He looks concerned and
walks over to me.

I hold up the envelope so he can read the front. “She wrote me
something.”

His eyes glaze over, as if lost in a memory.

“Andres?” I gently touch his arm.

He clears his throat. “Yeah, I remember her writing. She was
going to send you something but I thought it was like a care package and that
was just a quick note.”

All I can see are white spots and I have to sit down. I have
mixed emotions about everything, I know how emotional I will be if she has
written me one of her heartfelt notes. I rip open the envelope and pull out a
picture of me and Jared that she took on Thanksgiving. On the back she taped a
small piece of paper. It says:
Circumstances
shouldn’t always set your happiness, sometimes you have to look within your
heart.
Love Conquers All.

It’s not one of her long notes and a mix of relief and sadness
wash over me. This is her last message to me.
Forever.
I clutch the paper to my heart. “It’s too much, Andres,” I say and put the picture
back in the envelope.

“I know sis,” he says and kisses my forehead. “Come on, your turn
in the shower. We have to go.”

And with a deep breath I get up and gather my belongings, I take
a look around the room one more time before closing the door behind me.

~

We’ve told everyone they can arrive at six, but get there
at five ourselves. We want to take the first glance of her in the casket. Or at
least that is the plan but as I walk into the room I break down and instead
hold on to Andres so I won’t fall to my knees. I can’t get close to her. I want
to touch her hands or her hair but I don’t. I’m afraid. Not of death or her
body but that I will replace the memory of her warm skin with coldness. I don’t
want to see pale cheeks instead of her rosy ones. I don’t want her soft curls
to feel limp or firm. It might sound stupid and childish but I am relieved that
Andres doesn’t go up to touch her either.

People start arriving shortly after 6:15, I recognized most
people and others recognized me from childhood but I have no idea who they are.
It doesn’t matter, I am on auto pilot. I nod, hug, and smile at the right moments.
By seven o’clock the family room is packed, she was special and loved and that
shows tonight. Maggie surprises me by showing up. I hug
her the
longest, taking in deep breaths and praying I don’t cry. I don’t want to have a
meltdown in front of all of these people.

“You didn’t have to come you know,” I whisper in her ear.

She rubs my back, “I know.” I smile and hug her again.

She looks around and then in a low voice asks, “Have you spoken
to him?”

I shake my head and tears come up.
Don’t cry, don’t cry,
don’t
cry.

“Oh honey, I didn’t mean to upset you.” Maggie pursed her lips.

I force a smile and clear my throat.

 
“Don’t be silly, you
didn’t. It’s just… you know.” I shrug. “I need to accept certain things.”

She looks at me sympathetically and then another friend of my
grandmother’s comes by to say their condolences. All throughout the night I
hear stories of my grandmother. Some I have lived through and others I’m just
learning. They are endearing and heartwarming. A priest from her church arrives
at eight o’clock on the dot for a prayer and blessing and says he will be there
the next morning before heading to the burial.

I decide to walk him out so I can get some fresh air and gasp.
Standing in front of me is someone I wasn’t expecting to see.

“Hi,” Eric says.

I don’t say anything, I’m actually speechless. What is he doing
here? I mean
really
doing here? To
add even more confusion he leans in to give me a hug. I keep my arms at my side
and try to form proper words.

“Hi,” I say. Wow, how eloquent of me.

“I’m sorry for your loss Vic,” his eyes are warm and sincere.

I pull his arm gently so he can follow me away from some of the
people that are smoking just outside the doors. I release him and wrap my arms
around myself.

“I’m surprised to see you.”

“Of course, I’m here. I know how close you two were.” He shifts
his foot slightly and looks down at his feet. I roll my eyes. Exhaustion has
left me with little patience.

“You know I really
am
sorry for how everything went down,” he looks up at me.

“I forgive you,” I say and he raises his eyebrows. I am actually
surprised myself but as soon as I say the words, I know they are true. I feel
at peace and oddly enough, free. Forgiving him lifted a weight I was carrying
inside my heart. Abu was right.

“You do?” he asks skeptically.

I sigh. “Eric . . . what you did . . .” I look straight into his
eyes so he can feel the weight of my stare.

“What you did was cruel and hurtful. I wish you would have told
me you weren’t happy. I wish you would have given us a chance. I wish you would
have been a little bit more compassionate about the pregnancy. But I can wish and
wish till the stars run out and that won’t change the past.”

He stares at me with his eyes wide open. I know he must be
surprised to hear me talk like this, he was probably expecting me to be moping
about or wrapping my arms around him but I don’t. My Abu would be so proud. I can
fly with my own wings.

Finally he clears his throat. “I wish it would’ve been different
too. But you are right, I can’t change the past.” He licks his lips and I
remember when looking at his lips used to excite me. Today I feel nothing. It’s
an incredible feeling to have moved on.

I lean in to give him a hug. He gives me a standard goodbye,
tells me to keep in touch. I politely replay that I will, but I know I won’t.
There’s too much history between us, but I genuinely wish him well.

I go back inside and spend more time with Maggie who is happy
that he came and we finally got our closure. She tells me about the progress
she’s made with Jeremy and how they have spoken about being official. I am
happy for her. At least one of us is heading in the right direction. Maggie and
Abu’s closest friends stay almost till the end, which is eleven o’clock and
then finally they say their goodbyes’. I remind Maggie she doesn’t have to go
tomorrow to the burial, but she rolls her eyes and I’m too tired to argue.

“That’s the last of it, sis. Let’s go home so we can get a goodnight’s
rest,” Andres says, walking across the lobby towards me.

I shake my head.

“No, I’m going to spend the night.” He lifts up his eyebrows but
then lets out a breath. I guess he’s too tired to argue as well.

“Ok, then, I
guess
I am too,” he tells
me. I wave my hands nonchalantly.

“Don’t be a dork. I can stay here by myself. The director stays
here and he said I could sleep over.” I rub my eyes, I am so emotionally and
physically drained that I am sure anyone could have knocked me over with a
feather. He frowns down at me but I poke him in the chest.

“Go,” I say.

He kisses my forehead and gives me a hug. “I’ll be here at seven
sharp, ok? Why don’t you tell the director to lock up after I’m
gone.
Just in case.”

I nod against his chest. I know it’s not going to be easy to stay
here but it’s the only choice I have when every minute that passes is one less
that I’ll have to say goodbye.

“Yes, sir.
I’m going to get something
from the vending machine and then I’ll tell him.” He hugs me again and turns to
leave.

The vending machine has a crappy selection. My mind is telling me
I’m not hungry but the grumbling in my stomach is telling a whole other story.
I realize I haven’t eaten anything except a bagel when I woke up this
afternoon. I
sigh,
the Peanut M&M’s are staring at
me. Heck, why not? Let’s add salt to that wound of mine. I punch in the code
and watch the chocolate goodness drop down. As I bend to pick it up I hear him.

“Good choice.”

I stand up slowly and clutch the chocolate to my chest.
No
. I’m losing it. I haven’t slept well
and I’m exhausted. It must be the lack of food and emotions that have me
delusional but when I turn around there he is. All six foot of this handsome
man, looking sharp in a black suit and with his glasses on instead of contacts.
For the first time in six hours I burst out in tears.

Chapter Twenty-Five

April 2012

Victoria

“Oh baby,” he says and walks over to me. He wraps his
arms around my shoulders and I bury my face in his chest. He holds me, rubs my
back and whispers “I love you” over and over again. He holds me as my tears
fall and then wipes them with his fingers. He leans down to kiss the fresh
tears and when they finally stop falling, he kisses me in other places.
On the forehead, my eyelids, my nose and lips.
Soft, intoxicating
kisses.

“I’m sorry,” I say sniffling.

“
Shhhh
,” he whispers as he pulls the
elastic band from my hair and runs his fingers through the knots. “I’m here now.”

I look up and stand on my tippy toes to give him another kiss.
Lord knows I’ve missed this. I can’t believe he’s here. This is a dream that I
don’t want to wake up from. He pulls away and tells me he brought me some food.
When I crinkle my nose he tells me sternly that I have to eat it. I roll my
eyes but we walk hand in hand to the sitting area. After I finish eating, I ask
him how he found out what happened but one look at his face and I know.

“Maggie.”

 
He nods. “You could have
called me, baby.”

“I know. I was just
scared,
I didn’t
know what you were going to say. I couldn’t handle it if I found out we were
really over in addition to my grandmother.” My voice is hoarse and raw. He
pulls me up onto his lap and holds my fingers between his hands so he can look
into my eyes.

“I thought you wouldn’t want to see me. When Maggie called, I
knew I had to come. I had to try. I’m kind of a sure thing, Victoria. I’m not
going anywhere ever again.”

He kisses my nose first and then my lips. I snuggle in his chest
and eat the bag of M&M’s as he finally gets to fully explain what happened
with Lisa. He tells me about the calls she had been making recently, all
starting off about her dog, but how she would try and change the subject to
something about them. He told me about all the times she stopped by the clinic
just because she was ‘in the neighborhood’ and was wondering if he wanted
lunch.

I scoff.
“Yeah, in the neighborhood my ass.”

He rubs circles on my back and continues.

He was working outside when he came in to get a glass of water. That’s
when he noticed the front door was wide open and people fighting outside. Never
in a million years did he think it’d be me and Lisa. Later, he learned she came
in using one of the spare keys he hides under the doormat.

“I can’t believe I missed that of all things,” he chuckles
referring to the moment I slapped her.

“It was pretty awesome,” I say. I lie down with my head in his
lap while he passes his hands through my hair causing me to close my eyes and
relax.

She was supposed to call first to come pick up a box of her stuff
but instead she cried and told him she missed him, that she wanted him back and
was sorry for everything that happened between them but he adamantly told her
he was happy with someone and was no longer the man for her.

“Baby?” he asks.

“
Mmm
?”
I yawn.

 
“What she did was
completely uncalled for. I ripped
her a
new one and
I’m pretty damn sure she’s finally over me and done with.”

I crinkle my forehead and mull over what he’s saying. That skank
better be over it or I’ll do more than slap her next time. Fucking whore
causing me all this grief and -.

“What’s in that mind of yours?” he asks, stopping the massage he
was doing on my scalp.

I shake my head.
“Nothing.”

“You believe me, don’t you?” I can hear his concern so I open my
eyes and look into his beautiful hazel ones.

“Yes, Jared, I do.”

He runs his finger to my lips. “You know . . . my dad was a drunk
and a cheat.”

I debate whether or not I should tell him his mother already told
me the story. He opens his mouth again to speak and I stay silent.

“My dad lost his job and when he couldn’t find work easily he
would drink for hours. When I would dare bother him about giving me food or
asking him a question about anything, he’d get his belt and whip me on my ass.”

His eyes glaze over and I try to sit up but he shakes his head
and pushes me back gently.

“Is that where you got the scar on your cheek?” I raise my hand
to his face and rub my finger against it.

He nods. “His aim for my ass wasn’t always very good.
Especially when I was crouched over.
My mom doesn’t know
that part. She only knows what she told you.” He glances over at me then and I
can see the sadness in his eyes. “I spent two years with a shithole father only
for him to walk out and leave us for another one. I spent
years
trying to figure it out.”

“I’m sorry. I should have waited till you were ready to tell me.”

His fingers graze my cheekbone. “It’s ok. You had a right to
know, I just didn’t want to rehash it. My point is Victoria, that I’m not a
cheat. When we have problems we’ll talk it through and then decide where we
go.”

I swallow hard. I don’t want us to have problems but that
wouldn’t be reality. He said he’ll talk it through and that’s the most I could
ask for. It’s honest.