Handle With Care (18 page)

“I know, and that’s one
of the things I love about you.”

Julie laughed. “And why
you pay me the big bucks too.”

“You’re worth every
cent. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“I’ll remember that.”
Julie added, “I can always sleep on the couch if you’re very late.”

“Thank you, but I’ll try
to make it before midnight.”

When Lauren left work,
she drove straight to Shane’s apartment and pounded on his door. When he didn’t
answer, she shouted through the door, “Shane, it’s me, Lauren. Are you all
right?”

No answer. She pounded
harder. Finally, she heard a noise on the other side of the door. Major barked,
and made scratching noises.

“Go away,” a husky voice
answered.

“Shane? Open up. I’m
worried about you.”

“Said go away.” He
slurred the words, which made Lauren even more anxious. Had he been drinking?

“Can you open this door?
Do you need help?” She fought back panic. “Please speak to me.” She tried the
door handle, but it didn’t budge. “I need to see you.”

Someone in another
apartment peeked out. “Is everything okay?” a middle-aged Hispanic man asked.

“I don’t know. Have you
seen the young man that lives here?”

“Not in a few days.” He
eyed her with curiosity. “You a friend?”

“Yes, and I’m worried
about him.”

“There’s an office
downstairs. Always have a manager on duty.”

“Thanks. I’ll get him if
I need to.” She knocked again, more quietly this time. “Shane, if you don’t
open up in the next minute, I’m getting the manager and coming in. I have to
know you’re okay.”

The curious neighbor
stood there watching her. “I’m a doctor,” she told him. “He’s in good hands.”

“You want me to go
downstairs and get help?”

“No. Not yet.” She heard
a bumping noise, some cursing, and then Shane fumbling with the lock.

“He’s coming now,” she
told the neighbor. The door slid open, and she walked into the dark.

She didn’t see him at
first, but then her eyes adjusted to the dim light. He was disheveled,
unshaven, and reeking of stale booze.

When she realized that
he hadn’t suffered a stroke, her worry turned to anger. “What happened?” she
asked, trying to hold back her emotions. She didn’t know if she wanted to
scream at him or cry.

“Had a
little party.” He waved an empty Scotch bottle at her. “I’d offer you a
drink, but as you can see, I’m all out.”

“You think this is
funny?” She trembled with rage. “You dare laugh at this?” Her gaze swept around
the room, and she could see the carnage he’d done. He’d been sober for a year.
What had driven him to this?

“Shane.” Her voice
cracked. “How could you do this?”

He threw the bottle
against the far wall. Major whimpered and ran off to a corner. Lauren backed
away in fear as shattered glass littered the floor. This was not the Shane she
knew. This wild-eyed creature was frightening her to death. She swallowed hard,
tasting the acid bile that rose in her throat.

“Why’d you come?” he
asked. “Go home. Go back to Josh.” He smashed his fist into the wall, breaking
through the plaster and wounding his one good hand.

“What are you doing?” In
a second she was by his side, inspecting his hand. Already it was swelling, the
skin turning red. “Look what you’ve done. What’s happened? Please talk to me,
Shane.”

He stumbled into her,
and she smelled the booze on his breath. She recoiled. “Why are you crying?” he
asked.

“I’m not. You’re just
scaring me, that’s all.” She folded her arms around her chest, holding the
hurt, the anger deep inside. If she let it out, she’d say things that could
never be unsaid.

And no matter how
devastated she felt, he must somehow feel worse.

“Come sit down and tell
me what’s happened,” she said in a gentle voice. “I want to understand.”

“Nothing
to tell.” He hung his head, staring at the ground. “I’m a useless shit.
Now you know.”

“Oh,
Shane. You are not. Don’t even think that about yourself. I love you,
but I can’t believe you did this.” She bit her lip, and a tear dribbled out of
her eye. She could never allow an alcoholic in her life. Not after losing her
husband to a drunk driver—a man who had just been released from rehab and
stopped in a bar to celebrate.

“Your hand,” she said
softly. “You could have broken it.” She felt her heart splitting in two when
she asked, “Why? Why would you do that?” She put her hands in the air. “And this?”

“I needed to smash
something.”

His voice sent a chill
running through her. “What’s happened? Help me understand.”

He crossed his arms,
hiding the stump on his left arm under his armpit. His precious i-limb was nowhere in sight. “You know my buddy, Brent? Well,
his helo went down and he’s probably dead right now.
No one knows, because our forces can’t get to the crash site. The Taliban have
dug in and are fighting them off.”

“Oh,
Shane.” She bit her lip and sucked back a sob. “I’m so sorry. I know
what a good friend he is to you.” She reached out a hand to him, but he pushed
it away.

“Yeah, well, I threw a
little pity party. So now you know. I’m a stinkin’
drunk. Not worth shit.”

“Don’t say that. It’s
not true.” She grimaced, for she knew the truth. An alcoholic would always be
an alcoholic, and could only stay sober one day at a time. “I’ll help you
through this, Shane.”

“You can’t help me.
Nobody can.” He stormed away from her and smashed his fist against the wall,
again and again.

Major began to howl.

“Get out of here,
Lauren,” he said between blows. “Get out. You don’t want a guy like me in your
life.” He turned bloodshot eyes to her. “Not with a kid.”

Lauren stood still as a
stone, while her world crashed around her, destroying her dreams of Shane.

“Shane. You need help
right now. Let me take you to the hospital and get your hand looked at.”

“I’m not going to the
hospital. I’m fine. Don’t need you. Don’t need anybody.”

“You are far from fine.”
She bit her lip. “You probably need your hand set, and to detox.”

“Don’t bother me. Okay?
Just leave.”

“I’m not going to leave
you. I’m a doctor, remember? And you clearly need help.”

“What I don’t need is
your pity, and I can take care of myself. Been doing that
most of my life.”

“Doing a fine job too,”
she snapped, getting angry. So much for pity. She
wanted to shake him hard. Let him see exactly what he’d done, and how difficult
it was going to be to fix it.

“Yeah,
right on, sister.” He gave her a contemptuous look. “Now you can see the
kind of man I am. You need to take your boy far, far away from me.”

“I’m not afraid of you.
And Josh adores you.” Even as she said the words, she knew his relationship
with her son was over. It had to be. There was no other choice. Josh’s security
and stability came first.

Shane’s face changed, as
if something had finally gotten through to him. “I’m not worth your tears,” he
said, and stepped close. “Don’t cry, Lauren.”

She met his gaze. “I’m
crying because I can’t bear to see you like this.”

“I’m sorry about that.
But you see, I’m not the man you wanted me to be.”

“Maybe.”
She didn’t flinch. “But I can’t leave you like this. I’m calling Rick. You need
help.”

“Don’t.” He shook his
head. “Don’t do that. I need my job. Besides I’m okay. Physician, heal thyself,” he muttered and laughed.

“You need treatment on
your hand, and rehab.”

“I certainly don’t need
rehab and I can fix myself.”

“That doesn’t seem to be
working at the moment.” She glanced around the room, not hiding her dismay.
“You can’t stay here alone.”

“I can and I will. Told you I’m fine.”

“Sure. Until a crisis comes along. Well, I’ve got news for you,
buddy. Our lives are chock full of crises, and if you’re going to be a medic,
or a doctor, or anything worthwhile, you’re going to need a support group to
keep you on track.”

“I don’t need shit.”

“Give me Rick’s number
or I’ll call the EMT dispatcher for it.”

“He can’t help me.
Nobody can.”

“You’re wrong. That’s
what partners are for. They’ve got each other’s back.” She watched him closely,
afraid to take her eyes off him. He was in a self-destructive mood and she
didn’t know what he might do.

“Who’s got yours,
Lauren? Did you ever ask yourself that?”

A
fter she’d called Rick and assured
herself that he could take care of Shane, Lauren headed home. She thought about
Shane’s taunting question on the long drive back.

It was true that no one
had her back, but she had Josh’s and that was all that mattered. Once again,
they were on their own.

What could she possibly
tell Josh that wouldn’t break his heart? And what would she do now without
Shane? She didn’t love him any less because of what had happened, but she
couldn’t let him near her child. No matter how much it hurt, she had to curtail
their friendship, and put an end to her love affair with Shane.

The violence he’d displayed
had shocked her, and maybe he’d done it for that purpose—to push her away. He
wanted her to see the worst in him, and that glimpse had not been pretty. But
it didn’t stop her from loving him. She couldn’t turn her feelings on and off
like that.

But this wasn’t about
her. Or Shane. Josh would be inconsolable, and he
would require even closer supervision. She hoped the new medication that his
doctor prescribed would help him cope better with his pain.

When she walked in,
Julie was immersed in a late-night movie. She unfolded herself off the couch,
pulled her pink T-shirt down over her generous hips, and clicked the TV off.
She was a pretty, forty-something woman from Costa Rica, and had no family
here, but supported a grown daughter and her mother back home.

Seeing Lauren’s face,
she asked in alarm, “You okay, Dr. Reynolds?”

Lauren nodded. “Yes.
It’s just been a really bad day. That’s all.”

“Well, is there anything
I can do? Would you like me to stay over?”

“No, no. You’ve been
here long enough, and I appreciate your staying late for me.” She walked Julie
to the door. “I have to tell Josh something in the morning, and he’s going to
be upset. I’ll need you to take extra special care of him right now. He might
act out for a while.”

“There is nothing that
boy can do that I can’t handle. You just go to work like always, and leave him
to me.”

“You’re a gem, Julie.
I’ll let his teacher know that he’s had an upset, and we’ll all just have to do
what we can to help him handle his grief.”

“Can I ask what’s happened?”

“It’s his friend, Shane.
He won’t be able to see him anymore.”

“Oh,
dear. That will break the poor boy’s heart.”

“Yes. I’m sure it will,
but nothing can be done about it.”

“I’m terribly sorry.
He’s a good man, but I know you have your reasons.” She gave Lauren a quick
hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

After Julie left, Lauren
poured herself a glass of wine and sat down on the sofa. She knew her mind was
too troubled to allow her to sleep.

The following morning
she decided to hold off telling Josh until he returned from school. Still, as
if it would help, she made him blueberry pancakes for breakfast, adding slices
of banana on top in the shape of a happy face.

“Mom, is it my birthday
or something?” Josh attacked his pancakes, dipping each piece in a pool of
maple syrup.

“No,
honey. It doesn’t have to be a special day for you to enjoy your
favorite breakfast. I’ve also decided to take the day off and pick you up after
school.”

“Wow.” His eyes grew big
as saucers. “Is it your birthday?”

She laughed to hide her
true feelings. She was uneasy, sick at heart, and exhausted from worry. She’d
had a sleepless night, and had cried for much of it. “No,
dear. I’ve been working a lot lately, and I’ve decided we should have a
night to ourselves.”

“Can Shane come?”

Her heart squeezed
painfully. “No, not tonight, honey. It’s just you and me.”

“I want Shane.” He
stabbed his pancake over and over. “I want Shane.”

“I know you do, but he
can’t make it. Besides, we’ve always had fun together. Remember all the cool
things we used to do by ourselves? How about bowling? We could go after school
and eat hot dogs for dinner.”

He stopped attacking the
pancake, and looked up. “Can I bring a friend?”

“Sure. If you want to. But I thought it might be more fun if it was
just you and me.”

“If I ask Brad, maybe
he’ll like me again.”

“What about that new
boy? Thomas? Isn’t that his name?”

“Yeah,
but like I said. He’s a dork.”

“Come on, give him a
break. He doesn’t know many people here yet, and I’m sure he’d like to make new
friends.”

Josh gulped down his
milk. “I’ll ask.”

“That would be nice,
dear. And if not today, perhaps he could come over this weekend.”

She put the dishes away
while he ran off to brush his teeth, and then she drove him to school. She
watched him walk inside, a lonely figure, with no buddies around to greet him.
Her heart ached for him, for her, for all the good things that should have
been.

When Josh was out of sight she called the
hospital to say a personal issue had come up and she wouldn’t be in, then drove over to check on Shane.

He opened the door at
her first knock and stepped back. Although his eyes were red-rimmed and blurry,
he’d shaved and cleaned himself up. His hand was bandaged, she noticed, and the
furniture was back in place. The books and paraphernalia that had littered the
floor had been picked up. Only a broken lamp stood as a reminder of the violent
storm that had erupted during the harrowing night.

“Well, you’re looking
better,” she said in way of greeting. Major danced around her feet, begging to
be petted. She dropped her hand and let him lick it.

“Look, I’m sorry,
Lauren. I screwed up. It won’t happen again.” His shoulders were hunched over,
and he had a sheepish look on his face. But his eyes wouldn’t meet hers.

She swallowed hard, and
she couldn’t look at him either. “Yes, you did.”

“Rick came by after you
left, and he promised not to tell anyone at work as long as I join AA and go to
all the meetings.”

“That was kind of him.”
She kept her voice neutral, not giving him any hint of her feelings. He had to
know that he’d disappointed her, and that he’d broken her heart. He would have
to live with that guilt too.

“Is that all you’ve got
to say?”

“No.” She folded her
arms, holding on tight, keeping herself together. “I have a lot more.” Major
slinked away, no longer fighting for her attention.

“Then let it out. Don’t
hold back.” He cocked his chin defiantly. “I deserve it and more.”

She knew he still didn’t
get the severity of what he’d done, and how it would affect their relationship
and devastate her son.

She spoke gently, like
she would to a sick patient. That’s what he was. Sick. He was not a bad person.
He was ill and needed help. “It hurts me to say this, but I have too.” She
straightened her shoulders and took a deep breath. “You can no longer see Josh,
and our agreement is off. I’m sorry.”

He staggered back as if
she’d punched him. “What do you mean?”

“I have strong feelings
for you, Shane.” She shook her head. “No, strong is too mild a term. I do love
you, and Josh is mad about you.” She looked into his face, hoping he’d see she
had no choice. “But you have a drinking problem and other issues, and I can’t
bring that into my household.”

The blood seemed to
drain from his face, and he sank into a chair. “You don’t mean that. It was a
mistake.” He pleaded, “It won’t happen again. I’m going to start AA. I’m going
to do it right this time. I promise.”

“It’s too late for
promises, Shane. I trusted you.” Her voice broke. “I believed in you, and I
can’t risk this happening again.”

“No.” He shook his head
and held out his bandaged hand in a plea for understanding. “You know what
happened. My best buddy in the entire world had his chopper shot down.”

“I know.” She bit her
lip. “I understand.” She wanted to touch him, to hold him, but she couldn’t
allow that weakness. This was the time to be strong. “I’m so sorry.”

“No, you don’t
understand. You can’t possibly or you wouldn’t be saying these things.” His
voice rose in panic. “Let me explain.”

“Nothing you say will
change my mind.”

“It has to. Please? Here me out.” He paced the room, clearly agitated. “I called
his brother Jake this morning, and our forces still have been unable to break
through and rescue the men. It’s a terrible situation over there. You have no
idea.”

“I’m deeply sorry,
Shane. I really am.”

He gave her a pleading
look. “He’s lying on the side of some fucking mountain with a bloodbath going
on around him. He’s either dead or wounded, and I can’t get to him. Nobody
can.”

“I understand
completely. I do.” She ground her fingernails into the palms of her hands. “I
understand your need to have a drink, possibly to drown your sorrows, but you
don’t have that luxury anymore. You’re a recovering alcoholic. That means
alcohol is poison to you.”

“I will never touch
another drop as long as I live. I swear it.”

“I can’t take that
chance.” She sucked back tears, refusing to let them fall. “I would never know
if something else might set you off. I have to protect my son.”

“I’d never hurt Josh.
You know that.” She could clearly see the agony on his face, but it didn’t
matter how he felt. How she felt. Nothing could change what she had to do, and
even if it killed her she couldn’t back down.

He continued in
desperation, “I love that kid. And one night of getting shit-faced doesn’t
amount to a hill of beans.” He took a step toward her and Major barked. “I’m
disgusted by myself, too, but you have to believe me, Lauren. It won’t happen
again.”

“I wish I could believe
you, but I can’t take any chances with my son’s welfare. He’s all I’ve got, and
it’s my duty as a parent to keep him safe.” She put a hand up, to ward him off.
“I wish you all the very best, Shane, and I will always care about you. This
isn’t easy for me either.” Tears blurred her vision as she turned to walk away.

He stepped in front of
her. “Please, Lauren. Don’t go. Don’t leave me like this.”

She looked at him for a
long moment, not saying a word. He’d broken her heart,
and her son’s too. There was nothing left to say.

She opened the door and
escaped.