Handle Me with Care (17 page)

Her mum pulled her daughter close as they turned their eyes back to the water. ‘Just words, Maddie; they’re just words. And remember, I knew Caitlin once upon a time. She’s not the sort of woman who would wish harm to come to anybody else’s child so that they could know how hard it is for her. No mother would wish that.’

‘Those words have haunted me ever since,’ Maddie blubbed. ‘I’ve never been able to date men like Ally has, never been able to enjoy the company of a man without the shadow of those words hanging over me and every decision I’ve made. I couldn’t even tell anyone what she said to me that day, because I know there was some truth in it.’

‘Now that’s nonsense.’

‘You said it yourself. You said that you’re a mother and you can understand the pain that she is in.’

‘Oh, Maddie, that doesn’t mean I don’t understand the pain you went through too.’ Her voice caught when she said, ‘Riley wasn’t my child, he wasn’t my boyfriend, but just because he wasn’t either of those things doesn’t mean that your father and I didn’t grieve when he died. Everyone hurts when someone they love and respect is taken away from them, and Caitlin had no right to question that. She had no right to leave you with those words. I suspect that, rather than her words, it’s your own feelings that have made you shy away from other men.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I know you so well, Maddie. You’re a good person, a beautiful person. You loved Riley with all your heart and you can’t bear to think of erasing the memory of him.’

Maddie’s shoulders shuddered as sobs left her body. ‘I sometimes take out his photo and look at it, talk to him even.’

‘There’s nothing wrong with that.’

‘You don’t think it’s a tiny bit crazy?’

‘No, I don’t. Can I ask you, Maddie, have you pulled away from us – me and your dad – because you didn’t want to remember Riley and what might have been?’

Maddie nodded through more tears. ‘Part of me loves thinking about what it was like, but I know as soon as that stops, I’m faced with the reality that it’s over. I should have moved on by now, and I didn’t want to talk about it with you because I feel like such a failure, such a no-hoper that I’m still stuck in the past.’

Her mum pulled her in tighter. ‘I wish you could’ve told me what Caitlin said and I could’ve talked some sense into you.’

‘I didn’t feel that I could question the love between a mother and a child.’

Maddie sat huddled in her mother’s arms wishing she could’ve let her secret go before now.

‘I bet Caitlin’s words have haunted her almost as much as they have haunted you,’ said her mum. ‘I heard a lot of regret in her voice when she called, and now I know exactly why. It’s taken a long time, but perhaps now she sees how wrong she was.’

Maddie pulled a tissue from her pocket. ‘The trouble is, Mum, how do I move on from that and ever forgive her for what she said?’

Her mum sighed, a deep sigh laced with thought. ‘I think that our happiness lies in the future, Maddie, not in the past. But sometimes we need to deal with that past if we are to ever move forwards. It takes a strong person to reach the stage of forgiveness, and you have to want to forgive, you have to want to move forwards.’

‘I wonder what she wants to give me.’

‘I’ve no idea, but for what it’s worth, the woman sounds as though she’s been in her own private hell.’

They sat, soothed by the rocking of the sea plane, the sounds of innocent voices playing in the sand, the sun caressing their skin, and by a sharing of the past that brought them together in the present, as close as ever.

Without saying a word they walked silently back home. Her mum linked an arm through Maddie’s, just as she had when she was a kid, much to the chagrin of her dad, who joked that he was always an outsider in a house full of women.

Back at the house they opened up the balcony doors and took a jug of homemade lemonade outside and set it on the table between the two chairs.

‘Where’s Dad?’ Maddie lifted both arms of the chair so the footrest and back opened out, stretching with her on the lazy afternoon as though it too had released a burden that had been weighing it down for too long.

‘He left a note to say he’s playing golf.’ Her mum reclined in her chair too. ‘I think he sensed we need some girl time. And I’m glad we had it.’ She reached over and ruffled her daughter’s hair as though she were still six years old.

Maddie looked out at the canopies of the Cabbage Tree Palms that lined the shore as she gulped down the long glass of lemonade and crunched the ice cubes at the end. She closed her eyes and lay back to enjoy the breeze on her face.

‘Has there been anyone else since Riley? I know you said you chased other men away, but it’s been a long time.’

Maddie opened her eyes and fixed her gaze on the thin lines of white foam from the waves in the distance. ‘There wasn’t anyone special, until recently.’

Her mum turned in her chair to face her daughter.

‘You look like a teenager ready to gossip.’ Maddie giggled. ‘His name’s Evan.’ And then she sank deeper and deeper into the story about the man who had managed to capture her heart.

‘The first date sounded promising. And the trip to Williamstown, that sounds very romantic.’

‘I haven’t told you the whole story yet.’

‘Go on, we’ve got all day, after all.’

Maddie was glad they had started to repair their relationship. It reminded her of how they used to sit and gossip when she first met Riley. She couldn’t look at her mum but heard the gasp of disbelief when she said, ‘He has cancer.’

‘That poor boy. Well, he must think a lot of you to have told you that.’

‘Do you think so?’

‘I know so. That’s not the sort of thing you just share with anyone. That sort of admission, especially if it wasn’t conclusive at that stage, isn’t something you share unless you trust a person.’

‘But he couldn’t have trusted me after one date.’

‘Strange things happen when you fall in love.’

Maddie’s cheeks reddened.

‘Do you love him?’

‘Mum!’

‘Well?’

Maddie nodded. ‘I think I do.’

Her mum handed her a woollen blanket as the late afternoon air brought a chill with it. She sipped her drink thoughtfully.

‘It sounds as though this Evan has a lot going on.’

‘I panicked when I last saw him, Mum.’

‘Panicked?’

‘I didn’t think I’d ever want a future with anyone when Riley died. And now, it feels as though it’s happening all over again. I’m scared of letting myself love Evan in case I lose him. I don’t think I’m strong enough to go through it again. I went to see him at his apartment, and I ran away.’

Her mum held her arm open and beckoned her daughter over to her chair. They perched on the end hugging one another. ‘Never be afraid to give your heart to someone else, Maddie,’ she said, lightly rocking her daughter. ‘It was broken once, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be fixed. After all this time you deserve to be happy.’

Maddie knew she deserved to be happy – didn’t everybody? But whether that happiness featured Evan, she wasn’t so sure, and for now Caitlin and whatever it was she had to give her dominated her thoughts and she had no idea what to do.

‘Grief is maddening, Maddie. It’s like you’re drowning, and I think that’s what happened with Caitlin. At the time I was so angry with her for deserting you, but now I realise she had to face the battle in her own way, just like you have.’

‘You think I should call her, don’t you?’

‘You do what you think is best. But you never know, it could help you too. See what she has to say. You’re a beautiful young woman, Maddie. You don’t turn people away when they’re reaching out, not really.’

They sat wrapped in each other’s arms right up until Maddie’s dad came home.

*

Saying goodbye to her parents was done with a heavy heart. Maddie still wasn’t sure what to do about Caitlin, but talking it over, and talking about Evan as well, had been exactly what she needed this weekend. She felt as though, regardless of whether she contacted Caitlin, regardless of what happened with Evan, she had got back on the bike again and was keeping the pace uphill to the very top.

Chapter Twenty-One

Ben’s voice on the answer machine told Evan he would have to get up sharpish if they were to make the chemotherapy appointment that morning. It was ten o’clock already and, again, Evan had been in bed for more hours than he had been out of it. Since the operation more than a month ago, he felt useless, like a spare part. And since Maddie had been over that night with the cake and had left so abruptly, he had never felt so low. Perhaps her departure had been for the best though, because if she hadn’t pitied him then, she sure would once the chemo started.

The weather did little to help his spirits: cold and wet, and one look out of the window couldn’t entice him on to the balcony most days. So he literally got out of bed, had whatever meal he was already late for, and then went back to his pit. He didn’t always sleep either. Sometimes he would toss and turn as dreams plagued him; other times he would lie and look at the closed venetian blinds or the ceiling, as though his brain had run out of power to do much else.

Today’s chemotherapy session was to kill any cancer cells that could have spread prior to the orchidectomy, and his doctor had assured him that he shouldn’t experience any significant hair loss. Hopefully he wouldn’t be vomiting all over the place either, although there could be some nausea for a while.

Everything
down there
was in good working order too – he’d tried it out himself, tentatively – and the fact that his manhood was still intact had been a huge relief. At first the prosthesis had felt as though he had nabbed one of King Kong’s balls to stick between his legs, but now that the swelling had subsided and the bruising had all but disappeared it didn’t feel so absurdly out of place.

Physically, Evan was as strong as he ever was. But emotionally he felt like a seven-stone weakling as he and Ben set off for the hospital that day. 

*

Following her shift Maddie waited at the tram stop with the biting wind whipping around her as she looked up at a sky dusted with stars and a crescent moon as their protector. She wrapped her coat tightly around herself and pulled a beanie down over her loose hair so that she was as snug as a tea pot beneath an old-fashioned tea cosy.

The last couple of weeks had dragged by slowly. Since she had taken the cake to Evan, and since her weekend in Sydney, the familiar dank and low feeling of winter had taken over. She still hadn’t called Caitlin, and as time went on it became easier not to get in touch with Evan either. On evenings like this, when it was dark and miserable and the tram crept slowly along St Kilda Road towards home, she often found herself wondering if Evan was thinking about her, whether he had been tempted to chase her the night she left his apartment. Or had he given up on her altogether? Then she would scold herself for being so self-obsessed. The guy had cancer, bigger things to think about than her.

She made a quick pit stop at home, and then the wintry temperature propelled her around the Tan Track in record time. After a shower and change, she was back out again into the cold and bundled up in her thick, cream coat, heading back into the city to Chinatown where she met Ally at their favourite restaurant.

They ordered the Peking duck, requesting to assemble their own pancakes. Maddie spread a generous helping of plum sauce across the surface of the pancake, added a small amount of duck and a decent sprinkling of the cucumber, but no spring onions.

‘I can’t believe you never told me what Caitlin said to you that day.’ Ally spread a more modest helping of plum sauce around a fresh pancake. She tore some duck apart on the centre plate and arranged it on top, added a few slivers of spring onion and cucumber.

As soon as Maddie returned from Sydney, she had confided in her best friend. Saying the words out loud had diluted them in a way, and she couldn’t believe it had taken her so long to see them for what they really were – just words.

‘I know that now, Ally. I should’ve told the people I love most in the world and saved myself a whole lot of pain.’

‘I’m still worried about you, Maddie.’ Ally tore away some more duck and positioned it on the pancake. ‘Is Evan off the scene for good?’

Maddie finished her mouthful and licked away the plum sauce that had oozed down one finger, giving her a chance to cast her mind back to that time alone with him in his apartment.

‘I haven’t heard from him,’ she answered honestly, rolling another pancake into a perfect cigar shape, all its contents safely tucked inside. 

Ally topped up both glasses of wine and changed tack. ‘Have you decided what to do about Caitlin?’

She shook her head. Caitlin’s number was programmed into her phone, but that was as far as she’d got.

A bowl of steaming egg fried rice appeared in the centre of the table, along with a sticky offering of sweet and sour pork that Maddie began to spoon into rice bowls.

Ally armed herself with a set of chopsticks. ‘You know how every year I try to take you away from the 9/11 hype?’

‘It’s only July, Ally.’

‘I know.’ Her friend shrugged. ‘Call this an early getaway, then.’

Maddie thought back to Ally’s attempts over the years. ‘Let me see: last year it was the Blue Mountains, the year before was Olinda, the year before that was Noosa.’

‘Okay, okay. It’s just that Joel has been offered a holiday apartment up on Hamilton Island in the Whitsundays for the first weekend in August. It’s a three-bedroom place, and Josh said he’s up for a weekend away, Todd too. It’ll be about a few friends getting away from the cold and warming up for a while, at no cost apart from the flight. I think it could really do you good.’

‘I’m not sure.’ Maddie hadn’t seen Josh since the night she went home with him, and she still felt guilty for the way she’d led him on.

‘Don’t worry about Josh. He knows you’re invited and he’s totally cool with that.’

‘I’m not sure I could get time off work,’ she teased.

‘I’ll ring your boss myself – tell him it’s essential for mental health!’ She pointed her chopsticks at Maddie.

‘There’s no need you daft cow. I’m in.’

‘You are?’ Ally’s chopsticks went flying in her excitement and a waiter nearby scuttled over with a fresh set.

‘Just try and stop me.’