Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates (9 page)

Parveen and Mimi looked at each other for a moment then made their decision.

“We're in,” Parveen said softly.

“What have we got to lose?” Mimi added.

“Exactly.” Hamish X clapped his hands and stood up. “Now, let's get some of that delectable porridge. It's time for me to learn the ropes and become the model worker.”

He turned and led the way through the common room to the cafeteria. Mimi and Parveen followed him.

VIGGO ASSIGNED HAMISH X
to cutting detail. Mimi showed him what to do and he mastered the job quickly. He was surprisingly strong for his size. He could shovel and cut and heave as much cheese as anyone and he did it cheerfully, even finding time to help others if they fell behind.

Viggo watched Hamish X from his glass box of an office, high above the factory floor. He was surprised at how the new boy fit in so seamlessly, but he couldn't help but be suspicious. Every time the boy caught Viggo looking at him, he would wave and smile in an infuriatingly impudent way. Hamish X was a troublemaker and he would have to be watched. Viggo would have to leave that in the hands of the guards, however. Other important events consumed his attention.

Chapter 9

As the days passed, Hamish X seemed so at home in the factory that Mimi began to wonder if he'd forgotten all about escaping. He never mentioned anything about breaking out. Only by studying him closely could she see anything but the perfect little cheese worker. But there was something going on behind the facade. She sensed that he was watching and learning, taking everything in.

Hamish X worked all day slicing and heaving. He didn't complain. He whistled cheerfully, and kept up a running chatter with whoever was close by. Frankly, his workmates didn't know what to make of him. They were used to keeping their heads down and working in silence. But Hamish X asked the children questions about themselves, about their time in the orphanage, about their work in the factory. Innocent enough questions, but Mimi watched how carefully Hamish listened to the answers, as if he were storing up the information for use at a later date.

Hamish X even took time to learn about the other aspects of production. He played with the young children as they paddled in the milk tank. He tried his hand at pressing, too, trudging around and around singing strange songs in strange languages to keep up the rhythm. When asked, he said he didn't know what the words meant, couldn't remember where he'd heard the songs before. His good humour was infectious. Hamish X was strange, but the children grew to like him.

Thus the time passed. Hamish X settled into life at the Windcity Orphanage and Cheese Factory. On the surface
it was still the same crushing grind of boredom and hard work, but somehow there was a difference. Mrs. Francis noticed it as she ladled out the porridge and poured out the whey. Every once in a while, she saw a smile on a child's face. Not a big smile, certainly. Not an outright, coast-to-coast, face-splitting, blue-ribbon grin. Just a little smile from time to time, but it warmed Mrs. Francis's heart nonetheless.

What did Viggo think of the change in atmosphere? He didn't notice. Normally he would have pounced on any little glimmer of good feeling and crushed it underfoot, but he was preoccupied. Over the weeks since Hamish X's arrival he had been under a lot of stress. Reports about the marauding Cheese Pirates were coming in daily.
³⁹

Therefore, he paid less attention to Hamish X than he should have. He let the guards take care of disciplining the boy.

The undercurrent of good feeling that Hamish X inspired was disturbing to the guards. Furthermore, they noticed a discrepancy in the cheese count. Several ounces were missing. Someone had been pilfering small amounts of cheese. Only a few dozen ounces were unaccounted for, but Viggo was extremely possessive of Caribou Blue. Even a small amount of wayward cheese could add up to a large financial loss over time.

Pianoface, Tubaface, and Hammerface (following an elaborate game of paper, rock, scissors) decided that Hammerface should take the bad news to the boss. The unfortunate guard reluctantly climbed the stairs like a man climbing the gallows. He arrived at the glass door of Viggo's inner sanctum and hesitated, looking back to his friends at the bottom of the stairs for encouragement. But they had already scattered in anticipation of the coming storm. So Hammerface gulped, screwed up his courage, and rapped tentatively on the door.

“What is it?” the voice barked.

“Master Viggo, sir,” Hammerface stammered. “May I speak with you for a moment?”

The door flew open to reveal Viggo, his hair a greasy corona around his head, his eyes sunken and hollow. “What could you possibly want to talk about?”

“Uh …” Hammerface was so terrified that his entire body was clenched—which was fortunate because if it hadn't been, he might have wet himself. The strange thing was that Hammerface could have snapped Viggo in half had he chosen to, and then snapped someone else in half without feeling the slightest bit tired. But Viggo was a master of cowing people with his intense displeasure. Lion tamers are puny compared to the fierce animals they control. Will is all that stands between them and the snap of the lion's jaws.
⁴⁰

Hammerface recovered his voice. “It's just that the children … since this new kid arrived … We're worried that they might start enjoying themselves … and that won't be no good.”

“Is that it?
That's
why you've disturbed me?” Viggo's eyebrows rose like a thundercloud.

“That … and some cheese is missing,” Hammerface blurted out.

He waited under Viggo's terrible glare to be verbally flayed. When Viggo finally broke the silence, however, he didn't shout. In fact, he seemed almost reasonable.

“Perhaps I have been neglecting the mental state of the children in my charge,” he said. He sat down in his swivel chair. “I've had a lot on my mind lately. I have many responsibilities. Inspiring fear and loathing in one hundred and one children is a challenge. It requires dedication, imagination, and creativity.”

“You're a constant source of inspiration for us all,” said Hammerface.

“I appreciate that. It's a lonely job, being hated, but someone has to do it. I haven't managed to accumulate great wealth and prestige in the world of dairy science by being a nice guy.”

“You certainly haven't, Master Viggo.”

Viggo glared at him.

“But you aren't without your nice qualities, Master Viggo,” Hammerface backtracked and was rewarded with a softening of the glare.

“Indeed,” Viggo said suddenly, “I will address the problem of morale at the evening meal. And the issue of the missing cheese. Now, go back to your duties.”

Hammerface gratefully backed out of the room, bowing and wringing his hat in his scarred hands. Unfortunately, backing out of Viggo's office is ill-advised, situated as it is at the top of a steep staircase. He stepped backwards, missed his footing, and bounced end over end down the
seventy-two steps to the factory floor.
⁴¹
Pianoface and Tubaface hurried to help their fallen comrade.

Viggo closed the door and gazed out the window over the leaning rooftops of Windcity. Somewhere out there, a gang of Cheese Pirates waited to pounce. He shivered in his cozily heated office then turned his gaze to the factory floor below, seeking out Hamish X. The boy was carving the flabby curds, a bright smile on his face. While Viggo watched, the lad turned and looked up at him and winked.

“Everything was going fine until you came along, Hamish X.” Viggo smiled a nasty smile. “I think it's time I put you in your place.”

Chapter 10

The children stood waiting in the cafeteria, shuffling their feet nervously. In hushed voices they discussed the reason for the assembly. No one could remember a meeting where both work details were present at the same time. “What's goin' on?” Mimi asked as they joined the crowd. The shift had just ended when the guards had come through the dormitory demanding that everyone from both shifts assemble.

“I'm completely baffled, I assure you,” Parveen shrugged.

“Who knows?” Hamish X said. “Maybe we're going to get a day off?”

“In your dreams,” Mimi scoffed. They took their place in the back row.

And there they stood for almost half an hour before Viggo appeared. He stalked in from the factory floor through the big double doors, elbowed his way through the waiting children, and climbed onto a chair, held steady by Pianoface and Tubaface. (Hammerface was in bed recovering from several fractures.) Viggo turned and faced his orphan workforce.

“I'm sure you're all wondering why I've called this meeting,” he began, running a hand absently through his hair and making it stand up on end even more strangely than usual. “It certainly isn't to praise your work habits, which are slovenly and inefficient. Rather, it is a matter of security. Not that I think any of you could ever escape …” He glared meaningfully at Hamish X. “Escape
is impossible. Escape is IMPOSSIBLE. Let me reiterate that phrase: ESCAPE IS IMPOSSIBLE!”

Hamish X raised his hand.

“What is it?” Viggo barked.

“I was just wondering … Is escape possible?”

“NO!” Viggo shrieked at Hamish X. Hamish X smiled back. Viggo regained his composure with effort.

“Over the past few months, the world cheese community has been the subject of an ongoing campaign of terror perpetrated by a dastardly group of lawless brigands. According to eyewitness accounts, these ‘Cheese Pirates,' as they style themselves, have attacked cheese-making facilities all over the world. They strike in the dead of night! They steal and burn and loot. They take all the valuable cheese and disappear before the authorities can arrive to deal with them.

“The World Dairy Organization has instructed me to be on high alert for the appearance of these marauders. I have assured the Organization that I will be vigilant. If these criminals arrive at our doorstep they will be dealt with in the harshest manner.”

Viggo paused for effect, looking at the little faces all around him.

“How does this affect you? Obviously, anything that threatens this facility threatens your continued health and welfare. Although I make all the profits from the cheese factory, you receive food and shelter, and so the continued well-being of the factory is essential to your continued well-being. On a very real level, I don't care about you as children or human beings but I do care about the cheese your labour produces. Therefore, I have taken measures to ensure the safety of the facility. This would be an excellent time for grateful applause …”

The children dutifully slapped their hands together. For sheer lethargy, the sound rivalled an exhausted golf crowd on the Sahara in August at noon. Viggo stood, head bowed, receiving his false praise. He raised a hand for silence.

“I have undertaken to double the contingent of guards. New recruits will arrive within three days. A second electric fence is to be constructed around the one that already exists and a radar warning system installed. These changes will occur over the next few weeks.

“Also, to ensure your safety, all exercise in the yard shall be suspended indefinitely.”

A little girl put up her hand. “There is no yard,” she said.

“Then you won't miss it, will you? Work details will be increased in duration by one hour per day. It's easier to protect you while you are asleep or at work. Sadly, the money for these measures has to come from somewhere. I'm afraid I am forced to cut your food ration in half to raise the money for the increased security.”

A groan went up from the children. The guards laughed cruelly. Mrs. Francis, who stood watching in her kitchen window, gasped in disbelief. Eventually, the children fell silent.

“Believe me, it breaks my heart,” Viggo sighed with feigned anguish. “I know you will do your best under these new circumstances because … you have no choice.

“Finally, it has come to my attention that someone has been pilfering cheese from the vault.” He paused and glared right at Hamish X. The boy didn't flinch. Viggo gestured to Pianoface. “I'm sure no one would own up to such a dastardly deed, so I have decided that random punishment would be the most cruel and the most satisfying.” Pianoface
handed Viggo a book. Hamish X's eyes went wide. It was
Great Plumbers.

“I am confiscating this book until the perpetrator of the deed is willing to own up.”

“That's my property!” Hamish X shouted. Mimi held his arm to prevent him from lunging through the crowd at Viggo.

“Tut! Tut!” Viggo tucked the large book under his arm. “I'm merely holding it for safekeeping until someone owns up to the crime. It will be safe in my office for the time being. Maybe if some people respected my authority and stopped cheering people up around here these measures wouldn't be necessary. That is all. You may applaud now.”