Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates

PUFFIN CANADA
 

HAMISH X AND THE CHEESE PIRATES
 

Comedian
SEÁN CULLEN
was a member of the highly influential musical comedy troupe Corky and the Juice Pigs until 1998. His stage and screen credits include CBC's
Seán Cullen Show, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,
the Showcase series
Slings and Arrows,
and the Toronto stage production of
The Producers
. He is the winner of two Gemini Awards.

Also by Seán Cullen

Hamish X, Book II:

Hamish X and the Hollow Mountain

PUFFIN CANADA
 

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario, Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Canada Inc.)

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, U.S.A.

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Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

First published in a Puffin Canada hardcover by Penguin Group (Canada), a division of Pearson Canada Inc., 2006

Published in this edition, 2007

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (WEB)

Copyright © Seán Cullen, 2006

Illustrations copyright © Johann Wessels, 2006

All rights reserved. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise), without the prior written permission of both the copyright owner and the above publisher of this book.

Publisher's note: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the author's imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

Manufactured in Canada.

Libray and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication data available upon request.

ISBN-13: 978-0-14-305311-8

ISBN-10: 0-14-305311-6

Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher's prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

Visit the Penguin Group (Canada) website at
www.penguin.ca

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www.penguin.ca/corporatesales
or call 1-800-810-3104, ext. 477 or 474

To the real Hamish X, my hero

Hello and welcome to the book. I hope you enjoy the adventures of Hamish X. As narrator, my job is to tell the story in an exciting manner, to keep the audience interested and entertained. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well, it isn't. If narration were easy, anyone could do it. As it stands, every narrator must undergo a vigorous training and certification program. For example, I have attended the Advanced Narrator's Certification College in Helsinki, Finland, where I received the highest score in the history of the facility. Lucky you!

A few bits of business before we get to the story:

Throughout the book you will encounter tiny numbers in the text. These are called “footnotes.”
¹
If you see a tiny
number, go to the bottom of the page and you'll find some useful bit of information.

I have tried to tell the tale exactly as it happened. I have tried to bring you the story in a way that makes you feel you are right there, in the action, in situ.
²
I've altered details only when they might be too gruesome or perhaps too greasy for anyone to enjoy. I've embellished only when necessary to make it interesting. Therefore, read on, oh reader! Turn the pages and learn the truth! Welcome to the first book in the saga of Hamish X: In Which Hamish X and His Companions Pit Themselves Against the Cheese Pirates of the Arctic Sea.

PROLOGUE

Fires blazed throughout the compound. Shouts and screams echoed in the corridors outside the little bald man's office. The little bald man bit back a cry of terror as he heard heavy, booted footsteps march towards the door. The elaborate brass doorknob rattled violently, but the door was locked. A shout was answered by several harsh voices. Something heavy slammed into the oak door, shaking its frame.

The little bald man was Francesco de Maldario, cheese master of the Parmesan factory at Parma. The door rattled again with a splintering sound that caused him to hug his knees closer to his chest and whimper in terror. He hid under his desk, knowing the door could not last much longer.

Usually Francesco loved being in his office. He sat behind his desk (not under it) every day, master of one of the oldest and most prestigious cheese-making houses in the world. The Maldario Parmesan Factory made the finest Parmesan cheese in the world and had done so since the eleventh century, supplying the sharp and slightly smelly cheese to popes, kings, and celebrities all over the
globe. There wasn't a restaurant worth its salt
³
that didn't serve Maldario Parmesan on its pasta.

Francesco had never been brave. He was a good businessman, a good administrator. He was fearless at the negotiating table, but he doubted that the people who were breaking down the door were interested in negotiating.

After all, who attacks a cheese factory?
thought Francesco. Nobody ever had, until tonight. Francesco had run at the first sound of trouble. He'd locked himself into his office and tried to call the police in Ravenna. But he discovered, to his dismay, that the lines had been cut. So he had ducked under his desk and prayed the invaders might overlook him.

No such luck. The door shook again. With a wrenching sound, it fell into the room and boomed on the floor. Francesco stifled the urge to cry out. He bit the inside of his cheek and tried to disappear.

An eerie silence gripped the room. No one spoke. Francesco had begun to wonder if they'd gone away when he heard footsteps on the polished wooden floor of his office. Clump. Clump. Clump. They came inexorably nearer. Finally, they stopped right in front of the desk. Francesco opened his eyes and saw a pair of high black boots in need of a good polish only a foot from his face. They smelled powerfully of rancid milk.

As quickly as a striking cobra, a huge hand darted under the desk, grabbing Francesco by the top of his head. He
was hauled out of his hiding place and held up in the air like a car in a scrap yard that's stuck to an electromagnet. His feet dangled above the floor as he kicked and writhed, trying to escape the vicelike grip that held him, but to no avail. Raucous laughter greeted his efforts.

Francesco quivered with terror. He tried to prepare himself for death but found it hard to imagine the world without him in it. He started to blubber uncontrollably. Big hot tears coursed down his face, through his moustache, and off his chin.

“Please! I beg you. Don' kill me!” he sobbed. “I giva you anything you wan'.”

Uproarious laughter was his only answer. They guffawed as if it was the funniest thing they'd ever heard.

“Don' keeeel meee!” they mocked, and laughed some more.

“Silence!”

The command rang out and the hilarity stopped immediately. The voice was powerful, gravelly, and harsh. Francesco was so scared he stopped blubbering and hung limp.

Slowly, the hand that was clamped on his head turned him about until he was staring into the most terrifying eyes he'd ever seen. Bloodshot and huge, they loomed in his sight like blazing blue suns. He felt hypnotized by the glare, bathed in its evil radiance, burned by its cold fire.

“Who are you?” Francesco stammered.

“Who are we?” said the strange voice, dripping with threat. “We are the Cheese Pirates, of course.”

A roar went up from the pirates, and Francesco thought that an excellent opportunity to pass out from sheer terror.

Part 1

WINDCITY

Chapter 1

On the afternoon that Hamish X arrived at the Windcity Orphanage and Cheese Factory, Viggo Schmatz sat in his office, a glass cube suspended above the factory floor, trying not to think about two things.

The first thing he was trying not to think about was cheese piracy. In his bony hands, Viggo held a newspaper. The headline on the front page announced the latest attack by the marauding Cheese Pirates on an Italian cheese factory. He crumpled the paper into a ball and flung it into a corner. He hadn't built up his magnificent cheese factory only to have it stolen from him by pirates. He would have to beef up security.