Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates (31 page)

“Come, Hamish X,” said Mr. Sweet, holding out a gloved hand.

“Mother is waiting,” Mr. Candy added.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I'd like to thank everyone who had a hand in this book:

Barbara and Helen for their encouragement and excellent criticism. Lorne, my agent, who gives me so many opportunities to succeed.

My mother, father, sisters and brother, nieces and nephews, each and every.

Mrs. Lonergan for teaching me to love stories.

And the Narrator's Guild of Helsinki for the loan of their excellent narrator.

¹
     Hello. It's me, the narrator again, only down here at the bottom of the page. In the footnotes I will be clarifying difficult words or comments, providing pertinent historical facts, or distracting you with humorous nonsense. For example, the term “footnote” comes from the monks of medieval France who, while copying down manuscripts, would write notes on the soles of their feet. Often they were riddles or jokes for their monk buddies. They would extend their foot towards their friends and giggle endlessly while they were supposed to be working. This led to the introduction of sandals by irritated abbots (chief monks).

²
     “In situ” is just a high-browed way of saying “there.” That's the beauty of words: there are so many ways to say exactly the same thing!

³
     Restaurants in Ancient Rome were rewarded for their excellence by receiving a scale model of their owners carved out of rock salt. The sculpture would be proudly displayed in front of the establishment, and patrons were encouraged to lick it as they entered. The phrase remains to this day but, thankfully, the practice went out of favour because of a rash of tongue infections caused by the unsanitary nature of the licking.

⁴
     The caribou is the North American cousin of the reindeer of Lapland. The animal is more difficult to domesticate than the reindeer because of its wild nature and its intense dislike of Christmas.

⁵
     Stilton and Roquefort are stinky blue cheeses from England and France, respectively. Both are left to grow mouldy for a while before they are eaten. Weird.

⁶
     One might ask oneself, Why eat something if it might kill you? Dangerous foods are not uncommon around the world. The Japanese eat a form of puffer fish that, if prepared improperly, can kill the eater. In Kazakhstan, some peasants eat hand grenades boiled in tomato sauce. Even a cow can be dangerous to eat if, for example, the cow is still alive. Ice cream can be dangerous, if fired out of a cannon or if very, very, very, very, very, very cold.

⁷
     This led to Caribou Blue being banned in the state of Wyoming.

⁸
     The day the wind changed was called “Flip Day” and was celebrated twice a year by a change of clogs. Flip Day usually fell on the spring and autumn solstices.

⁹
     Sometimes they found themselves even farther from home. Homer Cudgeons, a Windcity resident, was discovered confused and wandering in downtown Minneapolis. When questioned, he said, “My nose was itchy. I only let go for a second.”

¹⁰
   They were eventually banned from the competition.

¹¹
   Dutch immigrants were among the most numerous of the new townsfolk. The Dutch were naturals when it came to building propellers. After all, they'd had centuries of experience building windmills. The invention of the airplane gave proof to the rumour that had persisted for many years: that Holland could fly. The whole country would lift off for short trips up and down the Baltic, until finally the authorities grounded her after a near collision with Latvia.

¹²
   Freakish indeed because birds do not carry rabies, but Mr. Francis was a very unlucky man. He once tripped over a stone and managed to swallow his own foot. What are the odds?

¹³
   Recall, the only other resident was a very old man named Mr. Nieuwendyke who believed he was a cat. He stayed in his house, meowing loudly and licking himself.

¹⁴
   The native people in the Arctic go by the name Inuit. They are commonly known as Eskimos. They don't like this name because it is a derogatory term in another aboriginal language and it means “eaters of raw fish.” While it's true that they do eat raw fish, they'd rather be called by the name they give themselves, not a name someone else gives them. Which is fair, but Eskimo is fun to say.

¹⁵
   The agency is called “Mean and Ugly Security Options.” Check out their website at meanandugly.com.

¹⁶
   The Ticklestick is just one of the products available from Nonviolent Options Inc. of East Orange, New Jersey. They also offer a device that reproduces the sound of fingernails on a chalkboard and a hand-held projector that displays pictures of people getting paper cuts. All are extremely effective.

¹⁷
   Rennet is essential to cheese making. It is an enzyme found in a sheep's stomach that causes the milk to curdle. How anyone discovered this quality is uncertain. Perhaps a sheep had the flu and threw up in a milk pail. We may never know. And do we really want to?

¹⁸
   Curds, not Kurds. Curds are immature morsels of cheese that must be ripened and aged over time. Kurds are a people who inhabit a region that encompasses southern Turkey and northern Iraq. No one knows if Kurds ripen with age, but it is likely that if they were pressed, liquid would come out of them.

¹⁹
   The Spartans were a bunch of Ancient Greeks who lived in a town called Sparta. They were warriors who lived with very few personal comforts: no playing, no toys, no ice cream or video games. The video games weren't such a hardship because they hadn't been invented yet. Not even Donkey Kong or Pac Man. As a result, the Spartans excelled at fighting. Another example of misdirected energy.
Spartan
is now synonymous with frugal, harsh living conditions. If you read a holiday brochure and it says the hotels are wonderfully Spartan, don't go.

²⁰
   Viggo omitted mentioning the carnivorous Arctic foxes that, though small, have been known to gently eat sleeping people without waking them. Also, hordes of lemmings might run over anyone caught unawares, but the likelihood is minuscule.

²¹
   Viggo is correct that orphans don't grow on trees, but there are orphans who grow
in
trees. In the Turgwazi tribe of Central Africa, orphans live in tree houses because it is deemed unlucky if orphans touch the ground before they are sixteen years old. They grow to adulthood in the trees and then become members of society in full standing. So, technically, some orphans do grow, if not
on
trees, in them.

²²
   A spurdle is a tool for stirring porridge. It is a long stick with a thistle-shaped knob at the end. Invented in 1436 by Ian Spurdle, a Scottish farmer, the spurdle was immediately voted the kitchen utensil with the silliest name of all time, easily beating out the spatula, the egg whisk, and the zester.

²³
   One might wonder why, if they loathed it so much, the children were served porridge for every meal: all part of Viggo's master plan. Before he opened the orphanage he sponsored a study to find the food children hated most in the entire world. Porridge scored highest, followed closely by cauliflower and dirt. Since oatmeal was slightly cheaper than cauliflower and less expensive to transport than dirt, Viggo chose it as the staple of the children's diet. To put it simply, Viggo was mean.

²⁴
   
Cafeteria
is an ancient Greek word meaning “food cemetery.” The Ancient Greeks had a special temple in each of their cities where horrible, bland, or disgusting food was taken to be buried. In later centuries, the Romans mistook these food cemeteries for restaurants, digging up the discarded food and helping themselves. The modern cafeteria has its origin in this Roman misunderstanding.

²⁵
   The author was invited to tour a goat's intestine one weekend at the Goat Enthusiasts Convention, so he knows what he's talking about. One might question how a human might fit into a goat's intestine, but let the reader be assured that the goat in question was freakishly large and the author, extremely flexible.

²⁶
   The Australians have always been odd.

²⁷
   The Xaing Xuo Monks of Ti Twa were famous throughout China for their technique of diving through the legs of their attackers and kicking their enemies in the buttocks. A gang of one-legged ninjas eventually defeated them.

²⁸
   The Flying Crimini Brothers toured the world with their amazing somersault show. The act broke up after Tony, the experimentalist in the group, attempted to do a somersault with his body formed into a triangle rather than a circle. He ended up stabbing two of his brothers so badly they were forced to leave show business.

²⁹
   Hamish's reference to a Mexican judo master is puzzling. Perhaps he is referring to Taco Takana, a half-Mexican, half-Japanese martial artist rumoured to wrestle under the stage name “Spicy Tuna” in the Mexican Wrestling Federation.

³⁰
   The exception always proves the rule, however. The wind actually stopped for twelve minutes and fifty-eight seconds on June 3, 1963. The results were devastating. Everyone in town fell over due to the lack of wind resistance. For twelve minutes, there was no wind at all. People suddenly realized they'd been yelling at the top of their lungs their whole lives up to that point. People also became aware of how curly their hair was now that it wasn't being blown straight out behind them. Several people rushed to the hairdressers but cancelled their appointments when the wind started blowing again.

³¹
   Tapirs are indeed an endangered species. They inhabit wet, swampy areas in South America. Tapirs are not lovable to look at. In fact, they were voted least lovable of all endangered mammals in an independently conducted poll in 2002.

³²
   The Day of Raining Tapirs is documented in several sources, including the
Austin Telegraph
. Tapirs fell as far away as Clearwater and one even fell through the roof of the Holiday Inn in Tucson, Arizona, hundreds of kilometres away. Fortunately, that lucky tapir broke through the ceiling of the swimming pool and the water broke his fall. He was adopted by the hotel as its mascot and was given the appropriate name “Lucky.”

³³
   Or the Arctic foxes, as mentioned earlier.

³⁴
   Fakirs are performers after a fashion. They do things that are seemingly impossible, like lying on beds of nails, swallowing swords, or enjoying spinach. There is usually some sort of trick, some sleight of hand. The word “fake” finds its origin in the work of fakirs.

³⁵
   
Comptesse
is the French word for Countess. The French tend to have a different word for almost everything. The title of Count/Countess originates in the ancient past when their largely uneducated neighbours held people who had learned to count in high esteem. “Counters” were given positions of responsibility in the community, eventually forming a powerful ruling class or aristocracy. The title was shortened over the years from “Counter/Counteress” to “Count/Countess.” Counting became less and less important as a qualifying skill for becoming a Count. Many Counts and Countesses today are unable to count at all.

³⁶
   Fluorescent lights were invented by a crabby elementary school vice-principal in Yugoslavia. The children in his school were rambunctious, joyous, and lively; a combination that inspires envy and jealousy in all elementary school vice-principals. The lights were so effective in dulling the minds and spirits of the children that they were soon installed in gymnasiums, classrooms, and public buildings all around the world. The crabby vice-principal from Yugoslavia became incredibly wealthy on the royalties from the sale of his invention and now lives in a giant fluorescent tube outside Sarajevo.

³⁷
   Don't bother trying to find this book. It has been out of print for over fifty years and with good reason: it is the most boring book of all time. Not to disparage the work of plumbers. Indeed, plumbing is a noble profession practised by noble folk. Regardless,
Great Plumbers and Their Exploits
is a giant, thick tome that has little charm unless you are a plumber, and even then the book is written in such a laborious, dull, mind-numbing style as to challenge even the most dedicated reader to stay awake for more than a chapter. The book is best used to hold open large doors or to open walnuts. Some of the pictures are nice, though. It was published in Providence, Rhode Island, and had a print run of exactly twenty-three. Strangely, the ODA's headquarters are located in Providence, Rhode Island, and some might point out a possible connection between the two. Some might.

³⁸
   Also remember wolves and foxes.

³⁹
   Cheese piracy is as old as cheese itself. Gangs of marauders terrorized the cheese makers of Poland during the Middle Ages. A group of Cheese Pirates calling themselves “The Brothers of the Curd” took control of the Greek island of Feta in 1645, demanding a toll of cheese from all who passed through their domain. Though cheese was never invented in China, Tofu Pirates have been a scourge and a plague since the time of the Han Emperors.

⁴⁰
   Needless to say, lion tamers are no fun to go on holiday with because they constantly get their own way—and they carry a whip and chair everywhere they go.

⁴¹
   Grovelling backwards down the stairs is an exceedingly dangerous proposition. As a result, most palace architects build throne rooms on the ground floor to avoid unnecessary injury to grovellers. The one exception is the palace at Gerfink-Holgestein in Southern Germany where the throne room was on the top floor, but after losing three trusted advisers, the Grand Duke of Gerfink-Holgestein thoughtfully built a waterslide at the end of his audience chamber.