Half to Death (26 page)

But it wasn’t Miranda who jerked me out of my well of self-pity, it was Deb. She showed up one evening as I was about to lock down the store. I hadn’t seen her since our quasi-intervention, and I figured she was there to exact revenge. She walked in wordlessly, and I locked the door behind her. “You want to come back to the house, have a drink?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she said with a nod.

I poured us both a glass of wine. We sat at the kitchen table. I think we were waiting for the other to speak first. She grew tired of the game. “Self-pity is a motherfucker, isn’t it?” I looked at her, wondering if she was talking about herself or me. Deb straightened and looked at me chin up. “I’m in therapy. My first few sessions were about forgiveness. Forgiving you and Angel, Miranda—myself.” Her dark eyes narrowed. “I’m not there yet, but I’m learning.”

“That’s great.”

“You can learn, too,” she said coolly. “It’s been over a week. You’ve had your time to cope. Now it’s time for action.”

I still didn’t know what she was talking about. “I’m sorry if I hurt you—”

“I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about Jade.”

Anger swept over me like a wildfire. “Did Miranda tell you?”

“No, Jade did.” Deb’s eyes were hard. “With Jade’s permission, Miranda invited me over. Though I haven’t experienced what Jade has, I’m struggling with my own issues. We commiserated, and at least for me, it was very liberating.” She leaned in close enough for me to feel her breath on my face. “Sometimes, you have to realize you’re not the only one with a problem.”

Excuses ran through my brain and pushed at my clamped lips.
I can handle this myself. I don’t need help. Leave me alone and let me cope with this in my own way.
But I couldn’t say that to Deb because she’d already said the same things, and I knew she’d throw it all back in my face as invalid, as I had done to her. I sat mute.

“I’m learning to accept that I’m a survivor, but Jade? She’s in a class all her own. I’m surrounded by friends, a loving partner. Jade’s done it on her own.” Deb slammed her hand on the table when I looked away. “Don’t you fucking dare dismiss that with a shake of your head, Sloan. She’s a remarkable woman who deserves a hell of a lot more than what you’ve given her.” She pointed a shaking finger in my face. “You’re angry, Miranda warned me about that, and I can see it all over you. You have a right to be furious with her parents, but not with her.”

I knew the excuse was poor as it came out of my mouth, but it was all I had. “How could she sit back and let them get away with it? How come she hasn’t filed charges? Her father could very well be doing this to some other kid.” My voice broke. “How come she’s not angry anymore?”

Deb was a tough customer. She wasn’t going to be softened by a show of emotion. “Don’t be an idiot. You know after all these years that it would be very difficult for her to prove what happened. Would you want to be put on the stand and testify if it got that far? To look into impassionate faces and tell about the worst time of your life and hoped that they believed?” She pointed in my face again. “
You
don’t have to answer that because we both know you’re a coward.”

I gritted my teeth, and I knew my face showed murderous rage, but Deb was not backing down. “You wanted time to cope with this in your own way, and it’s been given to you. How dare you demand that Jade react the way you think she should! How dare you judge her!”

Deb could’ve backhanded me, and it wouldn’t have hurt half as much as the truth. All my anger and hostility dissolved into the hurt I’d kept buried beneath hot embers of hate. I released it in a howl as I cried, letting the agony flow like lava. And Deb was there pulling me into her arms and rocking me for what seemed like the entire night.

*******

“You’re scared,” Deb said later when I had calmed. We were sitting on the kitchen floor leaning against the wall.

My voice was hoarse. “I have finally lost my heart, and there’s this to deal with. I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”

Deb reached up and pulled my glass from the table. “Drink,” she said as she got her own. I sipped at the wine and winced as it burned my raw throat. “None of us is strong enough alone.” She shook her head and laughed. “I hate that I need help, but I need you and Angel and fucking Miranda, too.” She poked me in the leg. “You need us, too, and so does Jade.”

“I have no idea how to fix this.”

“You don’t. Time and love will heal all, or so I’m told. Jade needs to see you cry, and you need to let her.” Deb took a long swallow from her glass. “She’s losing faith in you, Sloan. This is a woman that has pulled herself up by her own bootstraps many a time. Your silence equals rejection to her, and she’s preparing to move on.”

Chapter 27

I waited in the parking lot for Jade to leave work. I had no idea what to say. I just wanted to pull her into my arms and beg for forgiveness. My heart pounded in my chest as thunder rolled overhead and the door to the gym opened. I had my hand on the car door handle when I saw Jade and Jacquelyn emerge together. Jacquelyn was smiling and talking. Jade’s face looked like stone. My fingers lost their grip on the handle when Jade passed her truck and got into Jacquelyn’s Infinity.

I watched the car as it rolled past. Jade in the passenger’s seat was looking the opposite way out the window. Closest to me was Jacquelyn, who looked positively giddy. I sank down in my seat and pinched the bridge of my nose. I knew what Jade was doing. I had done it so many times myself. For a while, she’d lose herself in the arms of a woman to escape her existence for a time. The solace found there would be short-lived, and in the morning light, she would feel even more hollow than the night before.

I left a spray of gravel as I pulled onto the highway. The Mustang zoomed under my command. They had a lead on me, and I broke every speed limit to make up for the lost time. I had a vague idea of where Jacquelyn lived, but I didn’t know which house. When I pulled off of Highway 98, I could just make out the Infinity’s taillights before it disappeared into a curve. Jacquelyn wasn’t wasting any time.

A car pulled onto the road ahead of me. I couldn’t pass as two more were coming toward me in the oncoming lane. When it was clear, I punched the gas pedal, and the Mustang answered my request. I put the tach in the red as I shifted gears, cursing that I’d lost sight of the Infinity. I turned off the road onto a street with a thirty-five-mile-an-hour speed limit and dropped to forty-five as I looked for the white car. I found it and skidded into the drive. Jacquelyn and Jade paused at the first landing of stairs when I pulled behind the Infinity.

I had no rehearsed speech. I had no idea what to say, but my heart did, and I gave her full authority. Jade was looking at me in the muted light. I could feel her stare, but it was Jacquelyn who asked the obvious question. “Why are you here?”

“Jade.” I gripped the railing and watched as she tilted her head back to let the steady rain soak her face. “I’m so sorry.”

“Go home,” Jacquelyn said. “This is private property and—”

I glared at Jacquelyn. “I know who waits for you up there.” The light from the porch shone down on me like a spotlight on a stage. “I know who you are, and I know what you do. If you want your precious secret kept, then quietly go up the stairs and close the door.”

Jacquelyn stared at me for a minute. I couldn’t see her features, but I knew her face registered surprise. She took one look at Jade, who was still staring up at the heavens, and walked away.

I walked up two steps out of the light. “Jade, I know at times you felt unworthy of me, unworthy of love, but you never knew how unworthy of you I felt, still feel. I’ve never met anyone more extraordinary, and I know I never will.” She didn’t look at me; instead, she held her face up to the rain and continued to let it wash her face. “I did exactly what I said I would never do, I let you down.”

Jade didn’t move, nor did she speak. I wiped at my face angrily as tears mixed with the falling rain. “I didn’t willingly go into your mind. I thought I was asleep. But I saw—and God help us both—I felt what you went through. I know you intended to tell me in your own time, and you’ll probably resent this, but I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t have grasped the gravity of it all if I hadn’t lived it.” I swallowed back the lump of emotion clogging my throat. I never knew what strength and courage really were until then. I clutched my chest as the realization dawned on me. “I’m not worthy of you, Jade. I want you, need you…love you, but…”

I hung my head in shame. “I failed you. I’m so sorry.” Suddenly, I felt like I was lifting one side of a very heavy box, the weight was too much for me to bear alone. Reluctantly, I felt it slipping from my hands and turned to go. I exhaled loudly as the rain began to pour. “I’ll give you a ride back to the gym if you want.” I turned and walked to my car, my hand felt numb as I reached for the handle. Something gripped my other, and I turned to see Jade.

Without a word, she took my hand and put it to her chest. Her eyes implored me to take that one last secret. I felt forgiveness, hope, and most of all, love.

“Will you take me…home?”

Had she not been touching me, I would’ve misunderstood. She wasn’t asking for a ride to her apartment or even to my house; she was asking for forever. “Yes, I’ll take you, and I’ll never let you go again.”

Epilogue

“Look at this.” Miranda pointed at the TV with the remote. The music outside drowned out what the reporter was saying, but I didn’t need to hear it to know what happened. A picture of Senator Priest was on the screen, and next to it was a still shot of Jacquelyn climbing into her car surrounded by the media. She had cashed in.

The party was in full swing. The guests of honor, Lonna and Paige, were beaming. I watched them through the kitchen window as I sipped a drink. There was more than one kind of love affair, and I guess at times we all take them for granted when something new comes along.

There’s a love affair between parent and child, the sweetness of loving and caring for a little one and watching them grow into adulthood. Not being a parent, I had no reference, but I had known the love of a woman who had not given birth to me. I adored and respected her. She was my safety, my rock.

And there’s the love affair between friends. I’d been blessed with that, too. We bickered and fought, we loved and lost together, but the affection that remained among us was a beauty of its own.

And then, there is the romantic love affair that makes the heart soar and plummet, but that ride is the most exciting of all.

I looked over at Marty as she peeled a shrimp and popped it into Jade’s mouth. Jade looked up at me then as she chewed, and I felt like my heart was too big for my chest. The love I felt swelled within me, and I couldn’t help but smile.

Our ride into the sunset wasn’t an easy one. We talked about a lot of painful, hurtful things, then we put it behind us. I knew all her secrets and she mine, but I didn’t know Jade. Each day was a new discovery, some good, some…not so good. I’m sure she could say the same of me. A bond formed between us, though, and when the dark dreams of night came, we clung together until the sun arose and we began a new day—together.

I didn’t need to pry into her mind to know that another could never take my place.

About the Author

Robin Alexander is the author of the Goldie Award-winning
Gloria’s Secret
and eight other novels for Intaglio Publications—
Gloria’s Inn
,
Gift of Time
,
Murky Waters
,
The Taking of Eden, Love’s Someday, Pitifully Ugly, Undeniable,
and
A Devil in Disguise
. Her short story “Crossing the Line” can be found in the anthology
Romance for Life
.

Robin spends her days working with the staff of Intaglio and her nights with her own writings. She still manages to find time to spend with her partner, Becky, and their three dogs and four cats.

You can reach her at
[email protected]
. You can also visit her Web site at www.robinalexanderbooks.com.

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