Guardian of Eden (25 page)

I didn’t respond. I just stared at her as if seeing her for the first time. She had her shimmering blond hair swept up into a high ponytail making her look 10 years younger. The tank top she’d borrowed from Eden and the fitted jeans added to the glow of youth she radiated. She looked truly happy as she bopped around the kitchen in a carefree manner. I wondered if she was in fact happy. Had she overcome the trauma of her childhood or was it all a dramatic cover? Did she love Corbin the way she loved my father? Had he provided her with everything she needed emotionally?

“
Why are you staring at me like that?” she asked with a smile after a few moments.

Instead of answering her, I closed the distance between us and swept her up into my arms. I squeezed her tightly and said, “I love you, mom.”
      My mother giggled and said, “I love you, too, baby. But what’s gotten in to you? Why am I ‘mom’ all of a sudden? What’s wrong?” She pulled away from me and stared into my eyes. Her smile melted away as her lips began to quiver. “You talked to Detective Lawson, didn't you?” I didn’t say anything, but she saw the answer in my eyes.

“
Oh God.
Oh God. You know don’t you? I told you not to talk to him. You disobeyed me.” She covered her mouth and shook her head. She looked sick. I thought she might vomit right there in front of me.
“
I didn’t ever want you to know,” she said holding back tears.

“But why not, mom?”

“Because I never wanted you to look at me like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like that! Like how you’re looking at me now.
That pity and…and disgust in your eyes.”
She turned away from me and starting pulling at her hair with both hands.

“But now that I know, I feel like I can be a better son to you. I can help you.”

My mother paced the kitchen shaking her head frantically. “
You
can help me? How the hell do you think you can help me? Can you erase the past? Did you read in one of your little books how to make a time machine and you can go back and fix things? You can’t fix everything, Garrett. You can’t fix me!” My mother turned away from me and steadied herself from the sudden onslaught of tears by holding onto the kitchen sink.

“Maybe we can get you counseling or something?”

“You don’t think I’ve tried that?” she yelled at me. “No, no, it’s a lie. It never happened,” she said frantically wiping away tears and shaking her head again. “I was young and…and I made it up. He never touched me.”

“Mom, please,
don’t
do this to yourself.” I couldn’t think of anything else to say. What does one say when they are trying to help their mother overcome years of sexual abuse?

I don’t think she heard me. Her eyes glazed over and she looked as if she didn’t even know where she was anymore.

“Greg is bigger than me and he told me what to say. I lied to make him happy. He never touched me. He never touched me.” Her voice sounded far away and rehearsed like she recited a statement.

“Don’t touch me!” she yelled when I went to hug her again. She grabbed her hair and shook her head as if trying to shake out the memories.

“What’s going on?” Eden asked innocently as she entered the kitchen.

“Get out, Eden! Get the hell out! Go to your room!” my mother snapped. Eden spun on her heels and ran away in tears.

“Don’t talk to her like that!” I yelled. She ignored me and started opening and closing cabinets until she found some pill bottles. They were painkillers prescribed to me for my stab wound. She was going to drug herself into numbness. Now I understood her years of drug and alcohol abuse. She wanted the pain and the memories to go away. If she was high or drunk, she could escape what her father did to her. Or maybe it was simpler than that. Maybe she just wanted to die.

I lunged for her and slapped the bottles out of her hands. She fell on her hands and knees trying to retrieve the scattered pills.

“Mom, don’t do this. Let me help you.”

“No one can help me. I’m going to burn in hell for what I did to him. I should die. I want to die.”

“What are you talking about? What you did to whom?”

“He doesn’t love me anymore, does he? He couldn’t possibly love me.”

I had no idea what she was talking about. Whose love did she question?
My father’s?
Why wouldn’t he love her anymore? He gave up his freedom for her. She had to know my father would love her forever.

I held my completely hysterical mother in my arms and let her cry. There was a missing part to this story. I could feel it. I needed my mother’s version of the account, but she was in no state to tell me the truth right now.
      I let her cry herself into exhaustion then I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. As I tucked her into bed, I thought that would be the last of her strange behavior I’d see for the night. I was wrong.

I went back to Eden’s room. “You all right, Bug?” I asked when I entered. She sat on the bed brushing her hair.

“Yeah.
How’s Mommy?”

“She’s fine. She’s sleeping right now.”

“Did I do something wrong, Garrett? Why was she so mad at me?”

I sat next to her on the bed and put my arm around her. “It’s not you. Mom’s going through a lot right now. Some bad things happened to her in the past and she doesn’t quite know how to deal with it.”

“What kinds of bad things?” she asked looking at me with her big brown green eyes.

I sighed. I had to choose my words carefully. There were just certain things I didn’t want my 11, almost 12, year old sister to know.

“Why don’t you get some sleep? Mom didn’t mean what she said, okay? She loves you. She loves both of us.”

“Why won’t you tell me what happened to her?”
Eden crossed her arms and pouted.

I felt bad hiding the truth from her. I was doing to Eden the same thing my parents had done to me. I just really couldn’t find the right words to use. I had trouble even saying it out loud let alone to a little girl.

“Where’s Corbin?” I asked changing the subject.

“Why are you asking me? Do I always know where he is?” she snapped.

“No, I just thought since you were here you would know.” I didn’t understand why asking about Corbin would make her so angry all of the sudden.

“I think he might have gone back to the studio after dinner. He’s got a deadline on Monday or something.” Eden crawled into the sheets and shut her eyes tightly. “I’m going to sleep,” she said abruptly. Her sudden lack of interest in knowing about my mother both shocked and relieved me. I didn’t want to have to explain anything about sexual abuse, not after the day I’d just had. But her reaction to my question about Corbin disturbed me somewhat. What was it about him that set her on edge? I thought she liked Corbin.

I went to my room in a haze not really understanding what just happened with my mother or with Eden. Emotionally exhausted from such a trying day, I fell onto my bed and tried to sleep, but couldn’t. I tossed and turned and tried to get the images of what Peter Lawson had told me out of my head. Even though he didn’t go into details, my imagination took over and provided me with more than enough to put my brain into overdrive.

Staring up at the ceiling my mind drifted to thoughts of my parents and the heartache they suffered. They went through so much just to be together and I wasn’t ready to make the same sacrifices for
Maddie
. But then again, the situation was different. My mother didn’t lie to her parents about dating a black person. She had invited my father to dinner. She wasn’t ashamed of him and she was willing to make him a part of her life no matter what the reaction of her parents. I couldn’t say the same about
Maddie
. She obviously didn’t love me that much.

I hopped out of bed and did over a hundred push-ups trying to clear my mind and work myself to the point of exhaustion, but still didn’t feel the grip of sleep approaching.

At 10:15, I decided to go for a walk. Walking didn’t help either so I started to run. I ran until my chest burned so badly I couldn’t think of Holly, Thomas, Peter, Greg or even
Maddie
.

An hour later, maybe two, I returned home and found, Eden sitting on the front steps hugging her knees.

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes. “Mom’s drunk.”

Wearing jeans and a blue North Face jacket, I approached the Ritz Carlton where the
McPhee
benefit was being held. Obsessed with finding out information about
Maddie
again, I’d read about the event all week. It was a fundraiser for the
McPhee
camp that offered a night of dinner, dancing, and democracy. Tickets started at $2500 each which meant that jeans and a blue North Face jacket were probably not acceptable.

I don’t know what I was thinking when I went there that night. What did I expect to happen? Did I think they would look at me then usher me into the ball without a second thought? I knew that wouldn’t happen. But I also knew that I needed to see
Maddie
. Just seeing her face would make me feel better. I told myself that if I could just sneak into the hotel and get a glimpse of her, that somehow everything would be all right.
At least for a little while.

As soon as I got to the entrance, someone grabbed me, threw me against the wall and frisked me.

“This is a private function, you’re
gonna
have to leave,” he said while he gripped my shoulder with one hand. With his other hand, he brought a walkie-talkie to his lips and said, “He’s clear. I’m
gonna
escort him off the premises.” Then he started pulling me away from the hotel.

“Wait, I just want to talk to Madison
McPhee
. Tell her I’m here and I know she’ll see me.”

“Whatever, kid. I’ve heard that one before. You think you’re the first person to have a crush on Miss
McPhee
?” He continued to drag me toward the street. I thought about fighting free and running into the hotel anyway, but I didn’t need to get arrested on top of my other problems. I also didn't want to cause problems for
Maddie
. So, I relented and let him lead me away. Then I felt another hand on my elbow.

“I got this one, Jason,” a voice said from behind. “You can go back to your post.”

I turned to look at my new captor and found he seemed very familiar.

“Come this way, Garrett,” he said as he led me to a side door of the building. How did he know my name? Then it hit me. It was Roscoe,
Maddie’s
bodyguard. “Wait here,” he ordered once we’d entered a barren stairwell. It must’ve been a servants’ entrance or something.

Five minutes later,
Maddie
came rushing down the stairs toward me.

“Garrett, what are you doing here? Are you okay?” she panted out of breath.

I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly fighting back tears. I couldn’t explain it. I was just so happy to see her and hold her in my arms again. It was the only thing in a week that felt right. Amazingly, she hugged me back even after the way I treated her the last time we spoke.