Guardian (43 page)

I quickly wiped away my tears and took the three steps to the walk-in closet. There were two suitcases inside on the floor and I silently pulled them out and began taking clothes out of the closet and nearby dresser. It wasn’t until I was hunting for heavy sweaters and winter coats that the top of the dresser finally caught my eyes, and made me freeze in my tracks.

There was a picture of me there. It wasn’t a school picture or anything like that. I wasn’t even sure when it had been taken; probably on one of their phones at the park one day when I had been too blissfully happy to notice something as trivial as Colton or Grace asking to take a picture. But there it was, the proof right before my eyes.

It was all four of us, Colton, Grace, me, and
him
. Rafael. It was the best picture I’d ever seen. Colton sat on my lap and Gracie on Rafael’s, and we were all looking up above, into the camera lens. Rafael must have taken the picture; he was the only one with arms that long. Colton and Grace were both smiling that too-wide little kid smile, all toothy and so big it created dimples and squinty eyes. I could see my hand clutching Grace’s in the background.

I was just grinning up at the camera, while Rafael, well, he
radiated
, as he always did. His small smile, revealing just a bit of his gleaming white teeth, held a world of secrets, as did his sparkling green eyes, so full of life, so full of happiness. Because of us. He only smiled like that when he was talking to me. A little bit of stubble and a stray, too-long hair on his forehead only added to Rafael’s rugged, mysterious charm. He looked absolutely magnificent.

I looked at myself last. Happy. That was the best word I could think of to describe my smiling face. It was as though I was seeing myself through new eyes, or a stranger’s. I looked beautiful in this picture, so alive,
radiant
, just like Rafael. I admired the way the sun brought out the tint of red in my dark hair, the way my brown eyes had touches of amber and gold at the centers. How my eyelashes rivaled Rafael’s and fanned prettily, highlighted against my freckled cheekbones. My smile was mischievous, charming. As if I had secrets of my own to keep, though not dark ones. Good ones, wonderful ones.

I realized with a start that I finally looked older. Matured, almost adult, and so completely
happy
. And it wasn’t Colton or Grace who had done that to me, who had pulled the world-weary look from my face. It was Rafael. It had always been Rafael.

I picked up the picture and gently sank down on the edge of the bed closest to me, looking around the room. What was I
doing
? What had possessed me to come here, thinking I could kidnap Grace and Colton and that everything would be resolved? Why hadn’t I listened to Rafael? Why was I so hardheaded? How could I have not seen what was right before my eyes? All my life, I had prayed and begged, confided to God that I didn’t want to be the strong one all the time. That I wanted someone else to lean on. That I didn’t want to be afraid all day, every single day.

Rafael had eased that fear. He had flown, literally, into my life and taught me to be unafraid. That people could be trusted, that it was all right to lean on somebody else. He had crumbled all my walls, entered my heart, and asked for nothing in return. And I had thrown it all back into his face. I looked around the room, taking in all the angel figurines, the picture of the last supper on the wall, all things I hadn’t noticed before, or maybe chosen not to notice. I realized with a quiet smile that the walls, lime green and metallic blue, were painted in Colton and Grace’s favorite colors for their respective sides of the room.

What right did I have to take them from a place where they were obviously loved and well cared for? I had prayed and prayed for salvation, for an end to our horrible situation. Was I really going to take Colton and Grace from here and into another bad life? Did I
want
to run scared all my life? Alone, I had the protection of the Fallen. With Colton and Grace, it was the streets. Running every day, never having much hope for the future.

All this time, ever since Colton and Grace had been taken, while I had been angry and furious, lashing out at God and everyone around me, I had failed to see what was now so incredibly, amazingly, crystal clear. God had answered all my prayers. Every single last one of them. Colton and Grace were safe and sound, whole and well. And I had gotten what I always wanted, what I needed so badly.

A guardian.

I carefully set the frame back on the dresser and methodically unpacked the two suitcases, putting everything back with almost surgical precision. At some point, I wasn’t sure when, I began to cry. Quiet, intense sobs that made my whole body shake with the effort of keeping them silent. I knew what was coming. As I knelt down next to their beds, I couldn’t keep a great choking sob from escaping. They slept on. I kissed first Colton’s, and then Gracie’s forehead.

“I love you both
so
much,” I whispered in a wet voice. “You’ll probably never even know how much. You’ll never understand how much I wanted to stay with you forever.”

Even though it seemed my knees had been glued to the floor, I forced myself to stand up, though a little unsteadily. I crossed the room to the dresser once more, pausing before the picture again. With trembling fingers, I pulled my well-worn rosary from my pocket and carefully draped it over the picture frame. It was blessed, and knowing where I was going, that would do more harm than good.

I took one last backward glance at the two sleeping forms. At two of the only three people I absolutely couldn’t live without. That I loved more than anything else in the whole world.

Keep them safe
, I begged.
Keep us all safe.
And then I left.

It was strange, looking back, how much easier it was to leave than to get there in the first place. Two bus transfers and half an hour, and I was back downtown. The sun was rising, filling the air with pinks and purples and oranges. It felt even colder than it had during the night, and I huddled in my coat and watched my breath form clouds before me as I huffed along. The whole time I tried to plan out what I would say to Rafael. I wanted to apologize, to explain my revelation, but every time I played the scene out in my head, it dissolved into me jumping into Rafael’s arms and giving way to my sobs. I knew he would understand without my saying a word. He always did.

I was so distracted by my thoughts that I didn’t immediately notice anything out of the ordinary as I walked through the underground garage of the warehouse. But just as I put my foot on the first step, I got a chill down my spine and slowly turned around. After a moment, it hit me. No cars.

Every single car was gone. The Hummer, the Mercedes, the Saab, all of them. I frowned. Surely they were not all gone.
Someone
was here. Unease caused me to turn tail and sprint all the way up the stairs. I was red-faced and breathless when I reached the top, fighting the buttons on my coat to try and cool down.

I was aware of the silence first. Dead silence. No gentle wing flutter, no murmuring voices, no seven-year-old laughter from Naomi. Complete and utter silence. Unnerved, I turned quickly, wanting to escape the eerie place, and ran right into someone.

For just a single heartbeat, I thought it was Rafael. They were tall and ethereal in presence. But then hands gripped my arms, and I knew immediately it wasn’t. This touch was foreign, alien. I opened my mouth to scream, getting only a squeak out before a hand covered my mouth.

“Shh,” Damian said. “Lyla, it’s me, no need to be scared.”

I leapt away from Damian as soon as he released me, gasping for air to try and still the pounding of my heart. “Damian! What are you doing here? Oh, thank goodness, there was no one here and I was getting so worried. Where is Rafael? Where are the others? Why-” I stopped when I saw the look on his face, noticed how he shifted awkwardly.

“I thought Rafael went to find you. To tell you.”

“Tell me what?” I asked, even as a sick feeling entered my stomach. “I haven’t seen him since I left, to find Colton and Grace.”

“They left, Lyla.”

He said something after that, but I wasn’t listening because of the roaring sound in my ears. It was as though everything around me had faded behind a filter, and all I could hear were internal noises: the
thump-thump-thump
of my heart, beating double time. The strangled feeling and vacuum-like noise as I tried to remember how to inhale air. I blinked slowly, though nothing would come into focus. Left?
Left
? I had just seen them yesterday morning. Why would they
leave?

“-thought for sure Rafael would have told you,” Damian was saying. “He said he was going to.”

I tried to listen to him again and looked up into his dark eyes. “I haven’t seen him. He didn’t come and find me. He had to have known where I was. I went and found Colton and Grace, and then, and then I had to come back. To Rafael.”

“Ah,” Damian said, looking awkward. He shifted from foot to foot. “Well, I’m sorry. I was just sent back for this.” He picked up a stuffed bear from the floor.

It was Naomi’s bear, the one dressed as an angel. Looking at it now, for the first time in a long while, I wanted to laugh. Of
course
the angel costume made sense now. But I couldn’t. Because Naomi never went anywhere without that bear. They had left. They were gone.

“W-when are they coming back?” I pushed out. My voice sounded odd and unsure, a little deeper than normal and very afraid. I was sure I knew the answer, had guessed what the truth was, but I wanted to be wrong. Oh, how I wanted to be wrong.

“Lyla,” Damian said softly, and he was at my side with lightning speed. Taking one of my hands, he led me over to one of the big armchairs and helped me to sink into it. I did it blindly, unaware, because his actions told me beyond a shadow of doubt what the answer would be.

“They aren’t coming back,” he said, bluntly. “They’re moving on. The purpose for staying here is fulfilled. They found me. There was no reason to linger. You probably won’t see Rafael ever again.”

“B-but he said he would never leave me!” I shouted it, hysterically. “H-he l-loves me!”

I’d thought being a little prepared, that knowing subconsciously what he was going to say would lessen the impact, but I was wrong. The roaring in my ears returned, only louder. My vision blurred and I bent over, clutching my chest. I’d never known that it actually
hurt
when someone’s heart was broken.

But it did. It was a physical pain that made my fingers and toes go numb, that stole my breath right from my body. I choked a little bit, spitting out bile, only aware of the red-hot feeling in my chest where my heart was supposed to be.

“H-h-h-he
promised
,” was all I could wheeze out before I broke into tears. Great sobs wracked my body, making me shudder and rock back and forth.

Damian held me as I cried, at some point he put his arms around me. He held me close to him, my head pressed against his chest, as I sobbed. I couldn’t believe it, couldn’t process that it had actually happened, that this time it was real, and not only was Rafael gone, so were Colton and Grace. I was really, truly
alone
.

I reached up to push my hair out of my eyes, and something soft hit my nose. I looked at my wrist, and staring up at me was my SEEK HOLINESS bracelet. With a loud sniffle I stood up straighter, still transfixed by the bracelet. Last time Rafael had left, he hadn’t told me. But he had left me his own bracelet, as though as a sign that he was really gone. He must have left me something this time, he
must
have. I pushed away from Damian and scanned the room. Where would he have put it? Would he have left something at the park again, or perhaps at my house? There had to be
something
…

“Lyla, what are you doing?” Damian asked.

“Looking for something. Rafael would have left me something, like he did last time.”

Damian watched as I searched the loft, shaking his head. “He’s not coming back this time. He didn’t leave you anything, Lyla.”

“He would have,” I insisted, refusing to accept what he was telling me. “He wouldn’t leave without saying anything to me and then not leave me something. I know him too well, he
wouldn’t
.”

“And I have known him for all eternity,” Damian snapped, and I stared at him in shock. With visible effort, he seemed to reign in his impatience. “I
saw
him leave, Lyla,” he told me. “Rafael has left, and he is never coming back. You would do better to go and get Colton and Grace and forget you ever met Rafael. He doesn’t love you the way you think he does.”

I took a step back, away from the poison of his words, shaking my head vehemently. “No! He wouldn’t! Why are you saying that? Stop it!”

Damian stepped forward, seizing both my arms in a grip that hurt, forcing me to look up at him. “They’re
gone
, Lyla. Get over it, and move on.”

I couldn’t believe that Damian, of all people, was saying this to me. Damian, who had so carefully watched over me while Rafael was gone, had given me hope that eventually Rafael would admit to loving me, who had babysat Colton and Grace whenever I had needed…

My blood turned to ice and my hands trembled as something suddenly became glaringly obvious to me. Slowly, I retreated even farther away from Damian, the horrible idea, the
truth
finally coming to me.