Guardian (35 page)

“I just needed some time,” Rafael said, and now he sounded pleading.

“A whole week?” I asked incredulously.

“It was barely five days.” Now he was disgruntled.

“Long enough,” I muttered, and finally plopped into a seat across from him.

He still looked pained, and now I couldn’t look away from his eyes as they captured me. “Please forgive me for taking so long. I’m sorry, Lyla. I’ve come to talk.”

It was my turn to sigh and push my hair away from my face. “Of course I forgive you. And I’m sorry also.”

I could tell from the stunned silence on his part that Rafael was more than a little surprised by my apology. I drew a deep breath, forcing myself to look him in the eye as I talked. “I’m sorry for agreeing to go to the gala without even talking to you first. It was wrong of me to just blatantly forge on ahead against your wishes and not even address your concerns. Especially when they’re only about my safety. That’s not how a relationship, between friends or anything else, should work. And if you really think it’s best, I won’t go to the party. I’ll return my dress, send my regrets, and stay home.”

There was a long silence where Rafael and I stared at each other, and I couldn’t tell at all what he was thinking. Then his face broke into a smile and he shook his head wryly, reaching over to take my hand into his blazingly warm one. Tingles spread throughout my whole body, every hair coming straight to attention.

“I should have known,” he said gently, and I basked in the affectionate look he gave me, “that you would find some way to carry some of the blame, even though I am at fault. It’s so typically Lyla, trying to see the good in everybody.”

Now I wanted to roll my eyes. He thought I was trying to lessen the guilt he should feel by stoically shouldering some of it myself, making me even more ‘good’. And
that
was just so typically Rafael, trying to make sure he was always cast as the bad one, the one who was unreasonable and always to blame and couldn’t quite be ‘good’ on his own.

“Part of being able to see the good in everybody is also being able to acknowledge the bad,” I said impatiently. “And so it would be hypocritical for me to just sit here and let you apologize without saying a word.” I squeezed his hand, wanting him to understand. “Please, Rafael. You know it’s true. I shouldn’t have insisted on going without speaking to you first and I apologize. And I’m willing to hear your reasons, and to stay home.”

“I accept your apology,” Rafael said at last, and I inwardly rejoiced. “But there’s no reason for you to stay home. As Damian said, St. James already knows about you. And,” he paused, and I could tell by the way he unconsciously squeezed my hand a little harder that the words cost him a great deal, “and Rachel is right. You
are
already too involved in all this to simply cut you out now. I couldn’t resist telling you the truth about me, couldn’t just walk away, so now, for better or worse, dinner with Eli St. James or not, you’re involved with the Fallen. As she said, you are one of us.”

My heart swelled up at what this could possibly mean, and I opened my mouth, ready to ask him to clarify, if he really meant what I thought he could possibly mean, but Rafael clearly read my look. He knew what I’d been about to ask, and shook his head before I could speak. He took both of my hands in his on top of the table, staring into my eyes without blinking. From the slow, deliberate way he spoke I knew he was putting careful thought into every word and felt they were all very important.

“Lyla, I know what you want. I know
why
you want it, and I know… I know how you
feel
about me. And I
do
care a great deal for you, you must know that, or else I would have been able to walk away long ago, for your sake. Or maybe that just means I don’t care enough, I’m not really sure anymore. But have you given any thought at all to what it would mean to become a Fallen? Even if Colton and Grace were somehow to be taken care of, provided for, have you considered all that you would be giving up? Natalie, Austin, regular life at school. It’s true you could finish high school, with so little time left, and maybe even go to college. There are times when we stay in one place for years, needing things to occupy ourselves, because we’ve been in this world for so long, but we always have to leave, eventually. To cover our tracks, to help people, to chase demons.”

I remained silent, because while I’d known, intellectually at the back of my mind, that all of this was necessary, I couldn’t say that I had actually played it all out in my head, leaving Natalie without a word, or perhaps a cryptic goodbye.

Squeezing my hands a little tighter, perhaps realizing that he was gaining ground, Rafael continued on, “And those are just the small reasons. Have you considered mass? You’ll never be able to set foot on holy ground again. No more mass, no more adoration, no more retreats and mission trips. No more
communion
, Lyla. No more witnessing a priest turning the wine and bread into the body and blood of Jesus Christ. You won’t have
any
of that here with us, Lyla. You will enter a life where God is testing you more intensely than ever before, and where Lucifer is more of a temptation than you can even begin to comprehend. In this world, as you know it, he gives nudges and shoves through his demons; in our world, he
visits
us, tempts us, knows how hard it is for us to live with God turning His back on us. I want you to think about this from all angles, Lyla, not just a wonderful dream where we go around performing great deeds and get to be together forever.”

I couldn’t deny that Rafael’s words were compelling, some for his case and some against, and though I hated to admit it, I couldn’t still argue that I wanted to become a Fallen at that exact moment. Because he had raised real issues, things that I
did
want to think about, at least to sleep on. Still, I wanted to be sure that I had all the information that was available. “But, unless I miss my guess,” I said slowly, “when God
does
come, and if he were to judge us, or more specifically me, and take me to heaven, I would be an angel, wouldn’t I? Not just a soul in heaven, but an actual angel.”

Though it clearly pained him to shed any positive light on his situation, Rafael slowly nodded. “An angel of the same class as me,” he whispered. “An archangel. Closer to God than a normal soul.”

I nodded once, because my throat felt tight, and my eyes burned, for some reason unknown to me. It wasn’t as if Rafael had said no, again. In fact, he seemed a step closer to what I had wanted. But he was right, there was more for me to consider than just joining them because I wanted to help people and because I loved Rafael. Finally, though, I found my voice, though it came out huskily.

“I’ll… I’ll think about it, if you’ll do something for me in return.”

“Of course,” Rafael said, instantly and without hesitation, as always.

“Wait here a second.” I dashed back to my room and grabbed my Bible, taking it back into the kitchen. I smoothed the Post-It note I had stuck to the cover as I sat down. “I want to read you a few things,” I told Rafael seriously. “I’d always kind of thought you would know the Bible by heart, seeing as it was like, the number one best seller when you were around, but something Damian said made me realize, well, maybe you aren’t as familiar with it as I thought.”

Rafael chuckled at my mild joke, but I didn’t miss the way he looked longingly at the book I held in my hands. “I would love for you to read to me,” he said quietly.

I nodded, found my place from the Post-It, and cleared my throat self-consciously. “
For you love all things that are and loathe nothing that you have made; for what you hated, you would not have fashioned. And how could a thing remain, unless you willed it; or be preserved, had it not been called forth by you? But you spare all things, because they are yours, O Lord and lover of souls
. That’s the Book of Wisdom,” I told Rafael, “chapter eleven. And this is Ephesians:
I, then, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to live in a manner worthy of the call you have received, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another through love, striving to preserve the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace
.”

“They are very admirable verses,” Rafael murmured. “I see what you’re trying to tell me.”

I held up one finger. “I don’t think I’ve ever told you my favorite Bible verse,” I said, feeling shy, all of the sudden. I flipped to the chapter, but my eyes didn’t see it, because I had memorized it long ago. “
No, in all these things we conquer overwhelmingly through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, not angels, nor principalities, nor present things, nor future things, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord
.” I closed my Bible and looked up at Rafael, and the expression in his eyes, the way he’d clearly drank in the words I had read, made me feel glad I had done it. I hadn’t been entirely sure how he would react, he could be so volatile at times.

“Nothing separates us from God’s love,” I told him quietly, gently. “Not even being a fallen angel. You said yourself that God always forgives, and He wouldn’t have given you another chance if He didn’t love you too. God never turns His back on
anyone,
Rafael. If He truly wanted you to feel so hopeless, He wouldn’t have given you another chance. So while I’m thinking about what you told me, I want you to think about what
I’m
telling you. Instead of chasing demons around and helping people for
yourself,
to get back into heaven, maybe you should do it for God, for His sake alone. So that everything you do is pleasing to Him. Your actions are perfect, Rafael, but in the process of feeling so abandoned, I think you forgot why you were doing them in the first place.”

Midway through my speech, Rafael had looked away, but now he met my gaze once more, and his eyes were suspiciously bright as he gave a small laugh. “It seems you know me better than I know myself,” he whispered.

“Which is why you should listen to me,” I answered, just as quietly. I closed my Bible and pushed it across the table to him. “I want you to have this, too. I think that right now, you need it more than I do.”

Rafael had slightly recoiled when I pushed the book closer, and I correctly guessed why he made no move to touch it. “It’s all right,” I assured him. “I never got around to getting it blessed, and I, um, well I kind of had Damian test it for you the other day. He told me how it was hard for all of you to get Bibles, and well, I guess I’d never really put two and two together, and anyway, I want you to have it. It’s a little worn out, but it has all my favorites in it too.”

Slowly, Rafael’s hands curved around the scarred cover of the Bible, tracing the Hello Kitty sticker with a small smile. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” My voice cracked and I nervously cleared my throat again, and then gently nudged one of his fingers with mine, so he would look at me once more. “God sent you to me,” I said, in a voice barely above a whisper. “I firmly believe that. He sent you to me, Colton, and Grace, because we
needed
you. And if that is the only reason He created the Fallen, that you felt compelled to leave Lucifer, then its reason enough for me to believe that He still has His hand guiding you in everything that you do.”

It was Rafael’s turn to noisily clear his throat and he stared at the ceiling for a long moment, his eyes blinking rapidly. The house was so peacefully quiet, the moment so solemn and blissfully poignant with emotion, that I couldn’t bring myself to speak and ruin it. We sat there together for a long time, or at least it felt that way. It could have been minutes, or it could have been a whole hour. But finally Rafael’s fingers imperceptibly tightened around the Bible, and he slowly, reluctantly, stood up from the table.

“I have to go,” he said softly. “I need to go talk to the other Fallen. They are all probably just as worried about me as you were.”

I nodded, even though I would have been content to sit with him in the kitchen for weeks on end. “Of course. I’ll see you later, then.” He nodded, and I couldn’t help but grin a little. “Don’t be a stranger, anymore,” I told him.

Rafael smiled and stepped closer, putting one steel-strong arm around my shoulder and pulling me close against him. My body burned and tingled everywhere that his touched mine, and I knew I would feel the imprint of him long after he had left. Then, so softly it was a whisper, he kissed my forehead.

“I’ll see you very soon,” he promised. And then, with a small rush of wind that fluttered the ends of my hair, he was gone.

I did as Rafael had asked and thought about the things he had explained to me. How could I not? The points he raised were good ones. That Sunday as I went to mass and received communion, I tried to imagine what it would be like if this were my last time to do it. The idea was so strange, so foreign.

I was Catholic down to the depths of my soul. It wasn’t out of ignorance, either. We had a Religion of Other Worlds/Cultures class at school, taught by a non-Catholic teacher to avoid complaints of slanting a bad light on the other religions. In my younger years, and even once in a great while now, I went to Protestant or Pentecostal or Methodist churches with friends. But after every single one of these times, nothing had been able to beat the feeling of being
home
that I got when walking into a Catholic church, not just St. Rose of Lima. Any Catholic church at all. If I became a Fallen, I wouldn’t have that. Nowhere to run in times of distress, when I had nowhere else to go. Where would I be able to go for comfort?