Grounded (13 page)

She unrolled it and held it out to him when she got close, a black permanent marker in her other hand.
 
“Sorry to bug you, but would you mind signing this?” she asked.
 

James took the magazine without hesitation, signing the cover.
 
I froze when I saw it.
 
It was a picture him and Jules.
 
I knew by their clothes that it was from the night I’d run from his apartment.
 
He saw my expression as he handed the magazine back to the girl.
 

“Thanks so much,” she muttered, quickly moving away.
 
She knew not to press her luck, I thought.

“You look upset,” James said quietly, studying me.
 

I gave him my little shrug, not wanting to talk about, but also not knowing if I could keep my mouth shut about it.
 

“That night,” I said finally, when he just kept watching me.
 
“I know you said it wasn’t a date, but it hurt that you still went with her to that gala, after all that had happened.

His eyes widened.
 
“No,” he said softly.
 
“I didn’t.
 
I wouldn’t.
 
I went to that gala for thirty minutes, because I felt obligated to, for my mother’s sake.
 
But I was miserable,
and I went alone
.
 
Those pictures were typical Jules, crashing my obligatory press photos.
 
The only time I even spoke to her was to tell her to leave me the hell alone.
 
I swear it, Bianca.
 
Once I saw how you felt, I wouldn’t have done that.”

I felt weak with relief.
 
I hadn’t even known I was that bothered by it.
 

While I was humiliating myself, though, I had to clear it all up.
 
“That collar she wore that night… Did you give it to her?”
 

He shook his head.
 
“I’ve never given her a piece of jewelry.”

“She noticed my collar, and she implied that her own choker was something similar…”

He flushed.
 
His hand made a cutting motion through the air.
 
“She’s preoccupied with my personal life, and she’s a
liar
.
 
I’m sorry you were bothered by this, but she was manipulating you.
 
I didn’t give her that.”

I just nodded to show him that I’d heard him.
 
They were already waving him back for the shoot.

“Are you okay?
 
Do you have any other questions?”

I shook my head, meeting his gaze to show him I was fine.
 
Reluctantly, he went back to finish up.
 

When
 
all was said and done, the entire photo shoot took nearly four hours.
 
I was surprised to notice what time it was when I checked my phone.
 

James was in the back changing as I saw that I’d missed several texts from Stephan.
 

Stephan:
 
B, will you call me when you can?
 

Stephan:
 
I’m heading back to the apartment.
 
Please let me know when you’re free.
 
I don’t want to be alone right now.

A little shiver of dread ran down my spine, and I felt instantly guilty for forgetting about my phone yet again.
 
I tried to call him five times in a row, my heart pounding into overdrive when he didn’t answer.
 

His text about not wanting to be alone had really gotten to me.
 
He shouldn’t have to be alone, not ever, not while I still breathed, because that was just how it worked with us, but he was obviously alone and hurting, and I needed to get to him.
 

I tried texting him, though I knew it was pointless if he wasn’t even answering his phone.
 

Bianca:
 
Just saw your messages.
 
Coming back to the apartment as fast as I can get there.
 
Please tell me u r okay.

James was striding towards me when I looked up from my phone.
 
He must have seen something on my face because his changed from smiling to alarmed between one step and the next.
 

“What is it?” he asked me quietly when he drew close.

“It’s Stephan.
 
I need to get back to the apartment.
 
He’s upset about something and he needs me.”

He nodded, shooting a quick glance to a spot behind me.
 
He took my elbow and began to lead me out of the studio without further ado.
 

“Wait, Mr. Cavendish,” the director was saying.
 
“We just need to conduct the interview portion.
 
It won’t take more than thirty minutes.”
 

He didn’t even slow down.
 
“Email the questions to me.
 
We have some urgent business to attend to,” he said brusquely.
 

She didn’t protest.
 
I doubted many would when he used such a Mr. Cavendish tone.
 

He wasted no time getting us into the car and traveling swiftly back to the apartment.
 

“Thank you,” I told him, my voice pitched very low, always conscious of the other people in the car.
 
“I can’t bear the thought of him being alone and upset.”

He nodded and stroked a hand over my hair.
 
“I know.
 
We’ll be home in just a few minutes.
 
Do you have any idea what happened?”
 

I gave my little shrug.
 
“He and Javier were going out with some other flight attendants tonight.
 
It was a crew that was friends with Javier, but not with Stephan.
 
Something must have happened with them.
 
He mentioned earlier that they were being openly hostile.
 
I should have gone to him then.
 
I feel terrible.”
 

“Did he ask you to come then?”

“No, but
—
“

“Did he ask you to come now?” he asked.

“Yes, but that was almost an hour ago
—
“

“Quit beating yourself up.
 
You know Stephan wouldn’t.
 
We’re going to him now, and everything will be fine.”
 

CHAPTER TWELVE

Mr. Understanding

I rushed into the apartment the second the elevator opened, moving towards the room the guys had been staying in.
 
James was a silent presence
—
keeping pace at my back.
 

I only knew I was heading in the right direction by the raised voice echoing down the long hallway.
 
I broke into a run.
 

Javier was yelling, his voice harsh and angry.
 
It was so uncharacteristic for him that I stopped in the open doorway to their room.

“We
will
talk about it now,” Javier was saying in an awful voice.
 
He was standing directly in front of Stephan, close enough to shout into his face.
 
His tone and his demeanor instantly sparked my rare temper, but
he
wasn’t what made me lose it.
 

Stephan stood with his arms crossed in front of him, looking at the floor, his posture defeated.
 
He had withdrawn from the confrontation, gone into that dark place in his mind where his family abused him and deserted him without looking back.
 
I knew it at a glance.
 
Something horrible had happened between the two men, something so bad that Stephan had checked out, and everything that Javier was doing was just making him go further into that dark place.
 
That
was what made me lose it.

I was moving to Stephan before my brain fully processed what was even going on, as though my body knew what to do before my brain did.
 
I moved between the two men, and into Stephan, burying my face in his chest, my arms wrapping tight around his ribs.
 

He gasped as though he’d been holding his breath, hugging me back.
 
Those were his only reactions.
 
His face and posture didn’t change other than that.
 
I knew it was a bad sign.
 

I turned my face just enough to glare at Javier.
 
“You need to give him some space.
 
Now.”
 

Javier pointed at me, growing visibly more furious.
 
“
This
is the problem with you two.
 
How the
fuck
is anyone supposed to get close to either of you, to have any kind of a relationship with you, when you only care about each other, only
trust
each other?!”
 

Javier had a rare but memorable temper.
 
He was a clear-headed, sweet guy ninety-nine percent of the time.
 
He was sweet, gentle, and amiable, if a touch cool for my taste.
 
But that other one percent was an emotional typhoon.
 
I knew from their past breakup that when he got like this he said awful things, threw out ultimatums, and burned bridges.
 
I got it.
 
I understood that dysfunction all too well, but it had wounded Stephan once again, and I had a real serious problem with that.

I pointed right back at him.
 
“I said, give him space.”
 

His upper lip quivered.
 
He gripped both hands into his hair as though he wanted to pull it all out.
 
I couldn’t tell if it was anger or pain that moved him, but I frankly didn’t care at that moment.
 
Priority one was Stephan, always.
 

“He doesn’t need space!
 
He needs to talk to me, instead of running to you every time he’s upset!”

I started to move towards Javier, to do what, I wasn’t quite sure.
 
Push him from the room?
 
Get in his face?
 
I honestly couldn’t say, but it didn’t matter.
 
Stephan stopped me, clutching me close.

“Leave her out of it, Javier,” Stephan said, his voice toneless and quiet.
 
I hated that tone, because I knew it hid a deep pain.

“No,
you
leave her out of it
—
“ Javier shouted back.

“Go, Javier.
 
I have nothing to say to you right now, and I’ve heard what you have to say.
 
Now leave us alone,” Stephan said, still in that alarmingly dead tone.

Javier visibly deflated.
 
He turned and walked away.
 

Distractedly, I noted that James followed him out, closing the door softly behind them.
 

Stephan pulled me to a low couch, hugging me to him.
 
I clutched him just as tightly as he did me.
 
If he needed comfort, I needed just as badly to give it to him.
 
He was hurting, and I hurt with him.
 
We had never been able to maintain any level of detachment from each other’s suffering, and we didn’t now.

I stroked my hands through his soft wavy hair over and over, not speaking, just comforting and waiting.
 
If he needed to tell me, he would tell me.
 
I wouldn’t pry.
 

We hugged like that for a long time, my face buried in his neck, his in my hair, before he spoke in a whisper into my ear.
 
“I told him that I loved him yesterday,” he said finally.
 

I tried not to tense, tried to stay comforting, relaxing, waiting for him to go on, but I didn’t imagine he’d have good news after that.
 
The I love you obviously hadn’t been met with a positive response.

“He told me that he needed more time to know his feelings, that I was moving too fast.
 
He said he wasn’t sure he could trust me yet, with our history and all.
 
I tried not to be hurt by that, even though it felt like a rejection.”
 

He didn’t speak for a while.
 
I stroked his hair, rubbed his back.
 

“I shook it off pretty good, I thought.
 
I could give him time.
 
We have time, yanno?
 
Maybe I was rushing.
 
But then we went out tonight.
 
To Melvin’s bar.
 
Not my idea, but I didn’t figure there’d be a problem.
 
And there wasn’t.
 
At least not on Melvin’s end.
 
Melvin was completely civil, friendly even.
 
Javier took exception to the friendly.
 
He asked me if I’d gone out with Melvin.
 
I said yeah, briefly.
 
He went into a jealous tantrum.
 
I went to the bathroom.
 
When I came back out, I found Javier pinned to the wall, being kissed by Vance.
 
He wasn’t exactly putting up a fight.
 
I left.
 
Javier followed me here.”
 

“
He
was mad at
me
.
 
He had the nerve to turn it around on me, said I was overreacting.
 
I hate this.
 
I just can’t take this kind of stuff, the jealousy and the disloyalty.
 
I’d rather be alone than deal with all of that.”
 

“I can’t make him love me,” he continued, an awful quaver in his voice.
 
My tear ducts responded accordingly, producing a dreaded tear like a button had been pushed.
 
“I’ve been down that road.
 
Before I met you, that was all I knew.
 
I did everything I could think of to make my family love me, but in the end, they said that I was toxic, and un-savable, and they thought that I was scum.
 
I won’t do that again, won’t be that pathetic kid who can’t make someone love them, not even for Javier.”

“Oh, Stephan,” I whispered, crying like a baby now, because he was crying, and because there was no distance between his pain and my heart.
 
“You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever met.
 
There is nothing ugly inside of you, nothing bad.
 
If he can’t love you, if he doesn’t already, it can only be because he’s not worthy of your love.
 
You don’t need to try to make anyone love you ever again.
 
You’re the most lovable person I know.”

“I’m not, Bee.
 
My own family threw me away.
 
There has to be something wrong with me.
 
They didn’t throw the other kids away.
 
It was only me, and I tried my hardest
—
“ he was crying too hard to finish.
 
I was right there with him.
 
We held each other and cried like babies.
 
The tears seemed to be flowing more freely these days.
 
The stoic, hard-eyed street kids we’d once been would have been ashamed.
   

“I love you so much,” I said quietly into his ear when the tears had passed.
 
“I wouldn’t have survived without you.
 
You saved me in so many ways.
 
You still do, every day.
 
I’m not sure I’d even be capable of loving another person if you hadn’t come along when you did.
 
I was so numb inside, so resigned to just watching my life play out in one horrible episode after another, until one of those episodes finally ended me for good.”

He whimpered, squeezing me so tightly that I had to pause for a moment.

“You saved me from so many horrible things,” I continued.
 
“You kept me from having to make so many of the hard choices that a girl would have to make living out on the street.
 
You were a teenage boy, but you provided for me better, and loved me better, than some parents do for their own children.”

“Oh, Bee,” he whispered.
 

“We met in the gutter,” I continued, “but even there, you shone like a light in the dark for me.
 
You were the
only
good thing in my life, but you were
so
good
that I knew it had all evened out.
 
All of the bad was balanced because I got you out of it.
 
Even jaded and abused and dead inside, I saw that clearly.
 
If Javier can’t see it, trust me,
he’s not worthy of your love.”

He kissed my forehead.
 

We didn’t talk about this stuff often, so once I started it was hard to stop.
 
“I never met your family,” I continued, “but I can tell you that you were the
best
of them, not the worst.
 
They did throw you away,” I said, and he made the faintest whimper of a noise.
 
It killed me to hear that, to know that it still hurt him so badly, still affected him that much.
 
“They did throw you away, but that says
nothing
about you, and
everything
about them.
 
You would never throw someone away, never turn on someone that needed you.”

I had said my piece, and so fell silent.
 
He hugged me to him for a long time, burrowing his face into my hair.
 

“I love you, Buttercup.
 
You’re my rock.
 
Best thing that ever happened to me,” he whispered.

I closed my eyes, feeling unworthy of those words, but relishing them all the same.

I didn’t realize I had drifted off until quiet voices woke me up.
 
Stephan’s chest was my pillow.
 
He spoke in a low voice to someone behind me as he stroked my hair.
 

“You have to understand how proud she is, if you’re going to keep her with you.
 
It’s a resilient kind of pride.
 
She had exactly one pair of pants and three tops in our junior year of high school, but no one ever would have suspected that it was because she was homeless, just because of the way she held herself.
 
And that was just a taste of it, just a tiny piece of the superficial part of it.
 
It goes so much deeper than that.
 
It’s the kind of pride that would keep a person from ever saying how they feel, at the risk of being rejected.
 
Do you understand?”
 

I heard a deep hum of noise behind me and knew that it was James.
 

Oh Stephan,
I thought.
 

He was matchmaking, trying to bring two stubborn souls closer; two people who he was afraid were incapable of doing it themselves.

I felt a weight settle onto the couch beside us, a hand resting on my hip with a soft touch.
 

“I understand,” James said quietly.
 

I couldn’t begin to read his tone.
 

“Are you okay, Stephan?” he asked.

I felt Stephan nod.
 
“I’m better.
 
I vented, got it all out, and it actually helped.”

“Are you up to talking to Javier tonight?
 
I set him up in another room, but he’s asked to speak to you at your earliest convenience.
 
He swears he’s done yelling
—
swears he’ll be civil.”
 

I felt Stephan nod again.
 
“Yeah.
 
I’m ready to talk.
 
Are you going to wake her?”
 

“I’ll carry her to our room.”
 

I felt Stephan kiss my head and then James was shifting me into his arms.
 
I let him take a few steps before I rubbed my cheek against his chest.
 
“I can walk,” I told him, my voice sleepy.
 

“And I can carry you,” he said, just gripping me more tightly.