Great Sex, Naturally (6 page)

Let’s look at some do-it-yourself methods you can use to clear your mind and get in touch with the life-altering potential of your thoughts to support a relationship or your sexuality:

—
Making time for change.
This means setting aside quiet times to calmly reflect on your life and examine your thought patterns. It’s about using “mental floss” at least once daily to clear your mind of all the accumulated debris and distractions of commercials, television, magazines, computers, e-mail, social media, and cell phones. By getting away from all of the mental chatter, and disconnecting from the potential negativity of anything that might trigger you emotionally, you can concentrate on whatever positive changes you want to generate for your health or your sex life.

—
Affirmations.
You can use positive self-talk—words repeated aloud or in your mind—to free yourself from negative thoughts and focus on your goals. Consistency is helpful; you need sufficient repetition over a period of time for the positive effects of affirmations to permeate your consciousness and bring about changes in your brain. Examples of affirmations include:
I make choices that benefit me, I excel at reaching my goals, I take care of and nurture myself, I choose radiant health, I focus on the positive
, and
I achieve my dreams
. Examples pertaining more directly to your sexuality include:
I fulfill my sexual nature, I’m destined to attain my ultimate sexual satisfaction, My body effortlessly manifests sexual pleasure, I love the expression of my sexual energy, A wonderful, loving relationship happens naturally for me
, and
I can create whatever degree of love and sexual fulfillment I choose
.

If you ever catch yourself having a self-deprecating thought, make a point to assert affirmations that correct it. You can also use affirmations at any other time—for example, while you’re stuck in traffic, or waiting for an appointment. They may be particularly effective when you awaken in the morning, and your mind is like a blank canvas. One of my patients—who’s not only a strong swimmer but also an exceptionally healthy, loving, and kind person—recently turned 90. Her secret? It turns out that for many years, during her morning swims, she has said to herself, in rhythm with each stroke,
I’m strong, healthy, loving, kind
.

—
Meditation.
Many meditation techniques that focus on breathing can be calming and clarifying, and help you get in touch with your mind and spirit—and their ability to shape your health and sexuality. For starters, try this simple technique: For a few minutes each day, sit comfortably, close your eyes, and consciously inhale by first expanding your stomach to fill your lower lungs and then expanding your chest to fill your upper lungs. Slowly exhale in the same order, first using your stomach to expel air from your lower lungs, then allowing your chest to expel air from your upper lungs. You can enhance this technique by visualizing that you’re inhaling life-giving, clear white light, and exhaling gray smoke containing any negative thoughts lingering in your body.

—
Keeping a journal.
Expressing your thoughts in writing is another powerful way of heightening your awareness and focusing your mind and spirit on any changes you want to create for your health and sexuality. The act of physically spelling out your intentions on paper, with its unique reliance on your mind-hand connection, can effectively reroute neural circuits in your brain, redirect your consciousness, and supersede old thoughts. If you keep a journal, it’s a good idea to make entries on a regular basis. As with affirmations, you may find that writing first thing in the morning is especially rewarding.

Sex and Your Self-Esteem

Your self-esteem is of paramount importance in creating a strong intimate relationship and a healthy sex life. Your ability to love yourself is a prerequisite to loving another, and self-esteem affects every aspect of your life. Let’s look at how you can gauge your self-esteem status, particularly with issues relating to sexuality, and whether you need to improve it.

You may have low self-esteem if you frequently feel sexually inhibited, insecure about your appearance, or ashamed of sexual activity you engage in. Other common indicators include difficulty achieving orgasm (either alone or with a partner), having sex with partners you don’t love, or believing that there’s something “wrong” with you sexually.

The way you choose your sexual partner can also reveal something about your level of self-esteem. If you have high self-esteem, you’re likely to feel attracted to a potential partner who has it as well, and you’re also more apt to use the power of your mind to assist you in making a healthy choice. If your self-esteem is low, you may feel drawn to a partner with similar low self-regard, which can be compounded by believing that you don’t deserve a better choice. You may also be more prone to “impulse buy” when choosing a partner, with potentially disastrous results; the person you find attractive on the spur of the moment isn’t always a wise choice.

Another way to assess the level of your self-esteem is by looking at your behavior patterns once you’re in a relationship. The ways in which you interact with your partner can tell you a lot about how you think and feel about yourself. The following is a summary of what your relationship can reveal about your self-esteem quotient. No one factor definitively means you have either high or low self-esteem. These indicators are simply to give you an overall sense of where you stand in your own estimation.

Signs of High Self-Esteem in a Relationship

If you have healthy self-esteem, you communicate honestly with your partner, you openly express your feelings when you need to, and your relationship supports your inner emotional self. You feel a clear sense of your own identity, you have the courage to be yourself, and you’re comfortable saying no if you don’t want to go along with something your partner wants to do, sexually or otherwise. You bring all aspects of your personality to the relationship and live fully and authentically in the present, as opposed to putting up a facade of who you are.

Another sign of your high self-esteem is that your partner displays all of these same qualities. You love, support, nurture, and respect him just as much as he does you. Your relationship is reciprocal, and you evolve together. It gives both of you a solid base and a constant source of strength from which you can thrive as whole people, pursue your dreams, and maximize your potential as a couple and as individuals. And as two self-esteeming people, you’re more likely to experience a healthy sex life.

Signs of Low Self-Esteem in a Relationship

If you have low self-esteem, you may exhibit one of two characteristic behavior patterns in a relationship:

1. In one scenario, you present yourself as a victimized “wounded woman,” and give off signals that you need help. You tend to attract men who feel compelled to save you from your predicament—whether that be poor health, personal problems, eating disorders or other addictive behaviors, or professional failings. Although your partner may make valiant efforts to help, you’re likely to give him mixed signals and sabotage the relationship with destructive impulses or behaviors, because you’re unable to change as long as your self-esteem remains low.

2. The second, more common scenario is almost the opposite. You tend to “lose yourself” in a relationship, sacrificing your needs, emotional security, or even physical safety in an effort to please your partner, conform to his ideas of who you should be, or “rescue” him from difficulties in his life. You may hide parts of yourself that don’t support your partner’s needs, let go of your dreams, suppress your creativity, or “self-collapse” (disappear emotionally) when conflict arises. You’re liable to experience lots of drama in the relationship, with poor communication leading to emotionally volatile outbursts of arguing, stress, and unhappiness, which can be all-consuming and further prevent you from pursuing your goals. You tend to stay in the relationship, even if your partner is verbally or physically abusive, because you’re afraid to be alone or believe he couldn’t live without you.

In this second scenario, the effects of low self-esteem can be of particular consequence for the quality of your sexual relationship. You may be so focused on your partner’s pleasure that it interferes with or negates your own ability to experience pleasure, or be so afraid of disappointing him or being rejected by him that you avoid sex altogether. At times, you may go through the motions of having sex, even though you don’t want to, because you believe it will make the relationship work. One way or another, your sexual needs aren’t met. Many women in this category exhibit the “chameleon syndrome”: they conform to whatever sexual tone is set by their partner. As one 60-year-old told me, “I’ve had many relationships, but always acquiesced to the sexual needs of the man I was with. I still don’t know what my own sexual needs would be if it were up to me.” She’d lived through the sexual revolution, yet never allowed herself to experience her own natural sexuality.

In either of the preceding scenarios, your relationship tends to be nonreciprocal; you’re not true partners, and the relationship doesn’t ultimately help either of you achieve your potential, as your low self-esteem prevents you from being loved for who you are or otherwise gets in the way. And because
you
don’t have high self-esteem, your partner may not esteem you either, which can further exacerbate the problem and prevent you from experiencing a healthy sex life.

What to Do If You Need to Build Your Self-Esteem

If you have low self-esteem, the good news is that there are effective ways you can address the condition, rebuild your self-confidence, get past unhealthy sexual patterns, and tap into your highest potential. An in-depth exploration of solutions for low self-esteem is beyond the scope of this book, but the following suggestions can help you to start moving in the right direction:

—
Seek out a therapist.
This may be the single most important step you can take to improve your self-esteem. A good therapist is a catalyst you can use to get where you want to go much more quickly. Therapy can help you identify patterns in your behavior, sexuality, and communication that may undermine your efforts to become a more whole, self-esteeming person. By examining your early relationships with your parents or primary caregivers, you may discover where feelings of low self-worth began. Becoming conscious of your patterns, strengths, and weaknesses allows you to shift your perspective and ultimately change your behavior and your choices.

—
Affirm your worth.
To access your natural ability to be a healthy, vibrant, sexual woman, you first have to realize that you have that potential. True health and beauty come from the inside out; as the saying goes, you’re as beautiful as you feel. When you get in touch with your self-esteeming, gorgeous self, you take better care of yourself and you emanate energy that attracts other self-esteeming people. As explained earlier in this chapter, you can change your brain, and your actions, through the potent influence of your thoughts. You can use affirmations to connect with the intuitive, nonlinear power of your right brain, change your beliefs about yourself, and elevate your self-esteem. Examples of affirmations for boosting self-esteem include:
I honor and value myself, I have unlimited worth and potential, I’m beautiful and attractive
, and
I’m worthy of the highest love
.

Conclusion: Keeping the Power of Your Mind in Mind

In this chapter we’ve considered a diversity of approaches for using your mind and spirit to nourish your natural potential for sexual fulfillment. We’ve touched on your brain health and how it can affect your sexual energy and the emotions you experience when you’re in love. We’ve also looked at ways you can use your mind to support a relationship, supplant limiting habits of thought, empower your sexuality, and more.

As you move forward with the rest of this book, remember that with your mind—the miraculous entity that gives you the power of choice—you can achieve practically anything. Continually engaging the strength of your mind to keep making healthy choices will inestimably boost your ability to reap the benefits of the many sex-enhancing tips and secrets you’ll discover in subsequent chapters. Remaining mindful that mindfulness itself can multiply the potential of every page will transform your life and lead you to vastly greater sexual health.

CHAPTER 2

NURTURING
INTIMACY

The Great Sex Lifestyle