Gravitate (29 page)

Ben called his dad while Sofia and I c
hanged out of our dance shoes.
Sofia
couldn’t wait for him to be out of earshot so that she could start talking about him.

“Oh my God, Claudia, he’s amazi
ng, you were so right about us.
He knows so much about everything, he makes me feel so dopey! And how cute is he, ringing h
is dad so that you won’t worry?
I’m so smitten.” She grinned in an adorable way.

“It’s to
ugh being right all the time.”
I tried to smile back at her, but it felt forced, lacking the radiance of her smile.

Ben sa
untered back in to talk to us.
“All set, Dad say
s don’t worry, he’ll be gentle.
I think that’s his idea of a joke.”

“Thanks, Ben. I do appreciate it. Have fun tomorrow night.
Where are you going?”

“Gentry’s Brasserie.” They answered in unison, with m
atching smiles on their faces.
They dissolved into giggles,
Sofia
clinging onto Ben’s arm as she caught her breath.

“I hope you have a wonderful time,” I
said, jealous of their future.
I walked home, alone.

I’d told myself it wasn’t the answer, but as soon as I got home
I opened up a bottle of wine.
It hadn’t eased my pain when my parents died; it just delayed
me from dealing with the pain.
I was just
putting the heartache on hold.
Still, if it numbed the ache for a couple of hours, I was going to try it.

I lit the fire, sitting on the floor by it, for warmth, until my hipbones hurt and then, reluctantly, I moved
onto the sofa.
I covered myself with the throw over, desperately trying not to remember how it felt whe
n Marty covered me up with it.
I poured another large glass of wine and settled back in the sofa, enjoying the warmth of the
wine going straight to my head.
I stared at the fire, watchin
g its hypnotic, dancing flames.
I couldn’t remember the last time I watched the television, it didn’t hold
any appeal for me these days.

The wine wasn’t ha
ving its usual, numbing effect.
In fact, it was making my emotions stronger, making me miss Marty with a pa
in so intense it felt physical.
I closed my eyes, imagining his strong arms around me, the light, delicate kiss
es he sprinkled on my forehead.
I remembered his scent, the way it felt to press myself up against his chest, how safe it
made me feel when he was near.
I could almost feel his thumbs gently caressing my cheeks, wiping away the te
ars that now spilled down them.
I fixed my eyes on the flames, watching them, but not seeing them any more, instead I saw his face projected through the flames; not on
fire, but contained within it.
The face which haunted me, was
still so perfect, so beautiful.
His blue eyes looked deeper than I’d recal
led, his skin more luminescent.
I ached, with every fibre of my being, to speak to him, to imagine his tender lips talking to me.

“Claudia.” The image I’d pictured in the
fire spoke.
I didn’t know if it was real or my imagination,
but I was thrilled, either way.
I was scared to spe
ak, scared to break the magic.
I just stared at his fac
e, my attention absorbed by it.
“I knew you’d
come back after the other day.
Just keep staring at me and
you won’t lose the connection. Stay focused on me.”

I did as he asked.
I wanted to speak to him, but I was
so afraid to ruin this moment.
He spoke again.

“I miss you, so much.
Won’t you talk to me?” His eyes shone in the firelight.

“I miss you, too.” My voice was just a whisper, a tiny sound in comparison to the way his voic
e came through, loud and clear.
“What’s going on? How are we talking?”

“You’re in a trance.”

“I thought only angels could speak to each other in a trance,” I croaked.

“So did I.
I
don’t know how you’ve done it.
It’s much safer th
an your stunt the other night.”
His eyes were serious.

“You saw that.”
I wanted to hide my eyes from his, but knew I’d break the conversation if I did that.

“I did.
Please don’t ever
try that again.
So much could have gone wrong.”

“But it nearly worked – I met Alfie – next time, I could find you.”

“Next time, you could get separated from your body with no way to get back into it – it is dangerous, do you understand?” I nodded and he continued: “This time you managed to hurt yourself and the Dominion were furious with me about it.”

“You?
W
hy were they furious with you?
I made the choice to try to see you.”

“They blame me for not forcing
you to have your memory wiped.
They feel my judgment, on matters inv
olving you, is severely flawed.
You would never have been placed in this position
, if it wasn’t for my mistakes.
They were already concerned that I was neglecting my duties here, spen
ding all my time watching you.”
He looked so distraught that I immediately felt guilty for making him suffer.

“I’m sorry.
I don’t
want you to see me fall apart.
I got your feather, I will try to m
ove on, like the maiden queen.”
I stared at his face, having no idea of how one could move on from such exquisite beauty.

“Claud
ia, what are you talking about?
I never left you a feather.” His beautiful face wore a mask of confusion.

“Yesterday, I found a wh
ite feather in your Blake book.
It marked out the page of ‘The Angel’- I assumed you’d left it for me, as a message to move on from you.”

“
I wish I were that thoughtful. It wasn’t from me.
It wa
s probably one of the Dominion.
They are very concerned by how much you are suffering, it isn’t in their nature to see hu
mans in so much emotional pain.
They
feel guilty.
Of course, they blame me, rightly so, for getting you, and them, involved in all this.”

“Then why don’t they send you back down to me?” I spat the words out bitterly, angry at being conned by them, dismayed that they were taking out their gu
ilt on Marty.

“You k
now that isn’t going to happen. In the end, they’re right.
You have to live your life without me in it.”

“But I can’t.
I love you.”

The doorbell rang, breaking into my tho
ughts and shattering my trance.
The fire was just a fire an
d Marty was gone.
It was dark outside, so I could tell it was late, and I hadn
’t been expecting any visitors.
I put the safety chain on the door a
nd opened it enough to see out.
The figure standing outside my house was the last person I expected to see.

“Claudia,” Olivia said.

Chapter 21

I went pale and started feeling dizzy.

“Please, don’t faint again, we were
so worried about you last time. Could you let me in, please?”
Her voice was still as kindly
as it had been in the clouds.
When I didn’t m
ove, she continued talking.
“I know I’m here unexpectedly, but I mean you no harm.”

My brain juddered into motion, unlatching the safety chain and openin
g the door.
She walked in and gave me a warm hug, which was the last thing I had expected.

“Claudia, we hav
e so hated watching you suffer.
We never wanted you to
be in such emotional turmoil.”
Her
eyes shone as she spoke to me.
Des
pite everything, I trusted her.
I led her into the kitchen and she
sat down at the kitchen table.
I busied myself by making a pot of tea.

“Send him back to me and I won’t be in turmoil any longer,” I challenged her.

“It can’t be done. You’re human, he’s an angel.
It isn’t right.”

“It doesn’t feel wrong,” I countered.

“To you or him.
To
the rest of us, it’s hideous.
An abomination.” Olivia’s words were said without malice, b
ut they still cut like a knife. I had no response. I just shook my head. “He suffers as much as you. More so. He watches you.
He f
eels pain for causing you pain. He’s neglecting his duties.
George is still campaignin
g for him to be cast to hell.”

I gasped. “Will that happen?”

“I won’t allow it.
But you and Marty are not making it eas
y for me to stand up to George.
The way you’re both wallowing in this self-inflicted heartache, the harm done seems so enormous that the others might start to agree that George has a case.”

“Why does George hate Marty so much?” I wondered why he also hated me.

Olivia sighed and I could see her trying to find th
e right words to explain to me.
“George feels terribly
let down by Marty.
He was the one who suggested that Marty would be an i
deal addition to the Dominion. He championed him.
Being one of us is such a great honour in our society and he feels that Marty has thrown it all away for nothing.”

I flinched at b
eing referred to as nothing.
“Do you think I’m nothing?” I whispered to her.

“No, Clau
dia, that’s just George’s view.
I actually think you’re one of the m
ost intriguing humans I’ve met.
Don’t tell the others, but I was secretly impressed that you managed to visit the clouds on your own, alth
ough that was incredibly risky.
You didn’t know you could get permanently separated from your body, did you?”

I shook my head.

“Don’t try it again, Claudia.”

“I won’t.” I paused, unsure whether to tell her the words
that were on my mind. I decided I could trust her.
“I spoke to Marty in a trance today.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here. I’m amazed.
I have no idea of how you managed to communicate with him but it has to stop.”

“Why?
We aren’t hurting anyone.”

“You’re
hurting each other.
We need you to carry on your life and you can’t do that while you’re still talking to him and looking out for signs that he’s visited you.”

“You left the feather in the book for me.”

“I did.
I hoped it would bring you some comfort and en
courage you to find a new love.
I didn’t antic
ipate the reaction it provoked.
I would never have tried it, if I knew it would hurt you.”

“Why are you here, Olivia?” I knew she hadn’t just come to tell me how sorry she was.

“I’m worried about Marty.
If he carries on like this, h
e’s going to be in big trouble.
If George gets enough support, he might even be abl
e to get Marty cast into hell.” She looked strained.
I momentarily wondered what it was about me that made angels, normally the most serene creatures in the universe, end up being so stressed.

“What can I do?” I kne
w what she was going to ask me.
I knew
from something Marty had said.
The reason the Dominion were furious at him.

“Let me
take the memories of him away.
You won’t be suffering any longer and Marty won’t fee
l compelled to watch your pain.
If you truly love him, surely you’ll do anything to stop the possibilit
y of him being cast into hell.”
She knew I’d agree, that I’d do anything for him.

I nodded, tears flowing freely from my ey
es.
“Anything for Marty.”

“You know I wouldn’
t ask, unless it was necessary.
Look into my eyes, Claudia.”

I stared into Olivia’s eyes, seein
g her sadness at the situation.
I saw the beam of light transfer from her to me, felt the warming glow on my skin
that the light provided.
I thought of Marty’s face in my head, wanting to hold on
to it for as long as possible. Would it fade? Would it just disappear?
I waited.

“Claudia?” Olivia’s forehead was creased with concern for me.

“Yes.”

“Do you remember why I’m here?” She ventured the question gently.

I nodded.
“You came to see me about Marty.”

She gasped.
“No, I’m here to
deliver your makeup catalogue.
Who’s Marty?”

“Marty is an angel. My guardian angel. You’re an angel, too. You don’t sell makeup.
Olivia, it didn’t work.”

“This isn’t possible.
I wiped your memories…” She looked lost for words.

“It didn’t work when Marty tried it either – he tried to make me forget some names, but I remembered them later.”

“We knew that…we thought Marty was to blam
e.
I should have be
en able to wipe your memories.”
Olivia sounded like her world was tumbling down around her.

“So, I’m the problem.
Is
there something wrong with me?”
Olivia’s
agitation was making me panic.
“Will Marty be cast into hell?”
I started hyperventilating, worried that Marty would be in trouble, when the fault lay with me.

She stood up, and walked
around the table to embrace me.
“Shhh. We will figure it out,” she said, rub
bing my back in a soothing way.
I closed my eyes, leaning my head against her shoulder,
feeling instantly more relaxed.
When I opened my eyes, I saw whispers of silver s
moke floating around the floor.
It was the same thing I’d seen when Marty had wiped the memories of
everyone else in the theatre.

“Olivia, is the silver smoke a by-product of trying to wipe a memory?”

“You can see that?” Olivia sounded shocked.

“Yes, and I saw it on Sunday, after Marty wiped everyone e
lse’s memory.
What is it there for?”

She bit her lip.
“It’s from an angel alt
ering the atmosphere in a room.
Silver represents relaxation.”

I concentrated, cl
osing my eyes to help me focus.
I felt very unsettled by the events of the evening and I wante
d to get rid of that feeling.
I imagined my shimmering, golden glow beaming out of my palms and filling the room with a new emotion.

I heard Olivia’s sharp intake
of air, my eyes still closed.

“Claudia, wh
y do I suddenly feel confident?
You did that.”

I nodded. “It happens when I imagine a golden
light moving around the room.
I didn’t realise what it did, until you ju
st said about the silver mist.
I think Marty felt it once, but he didn’t think I was responsible.”

“Gold represents confidence.
This is
incredible. Unbelievable. Can you do it again?
Try a different emotion.”

I closed my eyes, thinking of every kiss I’d shared with Marty, remembering how it felt to touch his skin, remembering the passion I felt for him, the delicious sexual tension tha
t existed between us.
I pictured it as a bright fuchsia pink, the mist shimmering around the room.

“What was that?”
Olivia sounded scared, shocked to her core.

“Desire.”

She’d gone pale. I got her a glass of water.
She looked stunned.

“Are you OK, Olivia?”

“It’s a very intense emotion. I’ve never felt it before.
This is how you felt for Marty?” She was gripping the table for support.

“Yes.
It’s how he felt for me, too.”

“No wonder
he couldn’t walk away from you.
Do all humans feel like this?”

“Yes, at some point in their lives, I’m sure everyone feels desire.”

“How do they ever get any work done?”

I laughed, the first time I’d truly
laughed since Marty had left.

“Well, C
laudia, I’ll admit, I’m amazed.
I have no idea how you can block my ability to wipe your memory, how you can alter the atmosphere of a room, or how
you can communicate with Marty.
There must
be something special about you.
I can understand why Marty was drawn to you, why he was willing to risk everything for you.”

“Can you tell
the others?
Would they reverse the decision?”

“It isn’t enough. You’re still a human.
A talented and
unique human, but still human.
I will tell them what I have seen tonight, but I don’t think it will make any difference.”

“Will you tell Marty?”

She took a dee
p breath and let it out slowly.
“Yes, I will tell him what I have discovered here but we still have a problem, a
s far as you two are concerned.
I came here to wipe your memory, so that you could carry on with your life as though he had never been here.”

“So?
What’s the problem?”

“
You still need to do just that.
You
have to move on and be happy.
If you can’t do
it for yourself, do it for him. He is in agony watching you. He isn’t coming back.
I wish
I could change things for you.”
She looke
d so sad.
I felt that she now completely understood how we felt and her heart was breaking as surely as mine had.